


BTS: Destroyed From the Inside Out

by My_Butt



Category: K-pop, bangtan sonyeondan, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Abuse, Abused Kim Taehyung | V, Additional Warnings Apply, Adult Content, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Bangtan Boys | BTS is a Family, Bottom Kim Taehyung | V, Bottom Park Jimin (BTS), Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Bulimia, Canon-Typical Violence, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Cutting, Depressed Kim Taehyung | V, Don't Like Don't Read, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Dry Sex, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Foreplay, Gay Sex, Gen, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Hand & Finger Kink, Hand Jobs, Hiding Medical Issues, Hurt Kim Taehyung | V, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Inspired by Run BTS! Series, Jealous Jeon Jungkook, Kim Namjoon | RM is So Done, Kim Seokjin | Jin is So Done, M/M, Medical Conditions, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Mentioned Kim Sejin (BTS), Mouth Kink, Multi, Multiple Sex Positions, No Means No, Non-Consensual Touching, Non-Consensual Violence, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Oral Sex, Other, Painful Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Bottom Kim Taehyung | V, Protective Jeon Jungkook, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Body Play, Rough Kissing, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Service Top Jeon Jungkook, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Sexual Tension, Sexual Violence, Skinship, Starvation, Substance Abuse, Sweet Kim Seokjin | Jin, Teasing, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Tissue Warning, Top Jeon Jungkook, Top Jeon Jungkook/Bottom Kim Taehyung | V, Top Kim Taehyung | V, Top Kim Taehyung | V/Bottom Park Jimin, Touch-Starved, Triggers, Violence, You Have Been Warned, major characters survive, no complaining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:53:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 40
Words: 95,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28539156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Butt/pseuds/My_Butt
Summary: Taehyung opened his eyes and gazed up at Jimin’s frightened look. He was so angelic looking with the practice room lights glaring behind him, creating the most beautiful silhouette.“What’s wrong, Taehyung?” Jimin asked again.All Taehyung could get out was “it hurts” before rolling into Jimin’s crouched frame.He clutched onto his friend’s hand, causing unbearable pain from the strength of his massive grip. Jimin crouched over Taehyung in a protective state and rubbed his back as he squeezed him in an awkward hug.“Get a manager!” Namjoon called out as he pointed in Jungkook’s direction, urging him to find someone abruptly.Taehyung suddenly falls chronically ill amid a busy schedule with the upcoming World Tour. To cope with the excruciating pain, he soon finds ways to ease his suffering through drastic means.The rest of the members join his endless fight to help him overcome the odds and battle his toxic thoughts plaguing his anguished mind.However, will he make a full recovery, or will a terrible event send him running for habitual behaviors as a way to survive being traumatized?
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook & Kim Taehyung | V, Jeon Jungkook/Jung Hoseok/Kim Namjoon/Kim Seokjin/Kim Taehyung/Min Yoongi/Park Jimin, Jeon Jungkook/Kim Namjoon | RM, Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Namjoon | RM/Park Jimin, Kim Seokjin | Jin/Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Seokjin | Jin/Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung | V/Everyone, Kim Taehyung | V/Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Taehyung | V/Original Character(s), Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin
Comments: 168
Kudos: 370





	1. Attack on Bangtan

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Destroyed From The Inside Out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19403740) by [My_Butt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Butt/pseuds/My_Butt). 



> This was started two years ago, but I took a break due to the amounting complaints I was receiving.  
> There are currently 29 chapters already posted, but I am doing a complete overhaul of this story because I hate most of the middle part when I began to write ‘safe’ chapters to avoid scrutiny.  
> So if this sounds familiar and you’ve been reading fan fictions for awhile, you may already have read the entire first part.  
> I am going to re-edit every chapter, so they will be different than the original.  
> I am finishing up a Jimin fic that will be done in two weeks, and will be able to finish this completely.
> 
> READ THE WARNINGS!
> 
> If any of that stuff bothers you and you still choose to read on, do not complain. That is discouraging to a writer and they don’t have to change their creative habits for anybody.

Hoseok’s voice echoed through the practice room as the underlying bass music blared from the speakers.  
“Again at the break. Ah 5, 6, 7, 8!”

The seven member group stomped the ground, hitting their spots with effortless ease, gliding through the choreography as Hoseok hummed the tune of the music flowing through the air.

The music paused and Hoseok slid the mouse on the laptop to reset to the part they were practicing. It was a month before their comeback, and everything was running smoothly. The U.S. was setting up interviews left and right, packing in a full schedule for the team once their album dropped.  
However, one member was dealing with another issue, finding it hard to focus all of his energy into the performance; and no one had a clue.

The pain ached in Taehyung’s side.  
He pressed his left hand furtively against his upper abdomen just below his ribs as he gripped the fabric of his shirt. His breath hitched in his throat as he took a gasp for some fresh air.   
The other members were panting from exhaustion, as well, which made Taehyung think the pain was just from being out of shape.   
Despite putting in hours upon hours of work for this comeback, they did just take a break to film the latest season of Bon Voyage. And with a beautiful vacation means eating lots of local cuisine, regardless of calories and diets.

“Again!” Hoseok boomed, tapping the mouse to begin the music.  
The seven members danced to the upbeat song, with quick footing and fast steps for the next minute.  
Another pause began while Hoseok went to reset the music, the members regained their breath and stretched out their limbs.

While the choreography had always been tough, Taehyung’s labored gasps made it especially difficult to continue without the dizzying effects of the room spinning around him. The cool temperature of the air conditioned practice room flooded his lungs, and caused a dryness deep within his throat with every inhale. His lips experienced a numbing, tingling sensation he wasn’t familiar with feeling before.  
As his jaw hung slack and his eyes squeezed shut with dark circles shading, Hobi walked up towards Taehyung, who was now doubled over, and gripped onto his shoulder.  
“Taehyung-ah, are you okay?”  
Taehyung nodded but was unable to audibly reply due to his quaking exhales. He leaned over and pressed his side even deeper to ease the pain slightly.

Hobi rubbed the younger’s back and leaned his face closer towards Taehyung’s ear. Noticing this wasn’t normal exhaustion from practice with the bluish hue decorating the younger’s lips, Hobi’s concern grew wildly.  
“Taehyungie?” He knelt down and placed his hands onto either side of Taehyung’s face. “Taehyungie, what’s wrong?” He saw the pained expression on the younger’s face as his lips parted into a square shape, showing off his white teeth as he winced in pain.

Just then Namjoon overheard Hobi and crossed the practice room’s floor to reach the two.  
“Taehyung?” He stood next to Hobi, leaning his body down to look into Taehyung’s eyes. He gripped onto the younger’s shoulder when he saw him falter and collapse to his knees, nearly landing into Hobi’s lap.   
Taehyung rolled onto his side as he clutched his abdomen. The pain was causing waves of nausea to overwhelm him and make him succumb to the amounting tears.  
Namjoon knelt down and grabbed onto Taehyung’s legs before the boy had the chance to roll onto his back away from his elders.  
“Taehyung, what happened? Tell me what’s wrong.”   
The other members had gathered behind the three with worried, bewildered expressions decorating their weary, tired faces.  
“Taehyung-ssi!” The sound of Jimin’s soft worried voice broke through as he pushed past Jungkook to get to Taehyung’s crumpled body. He practically was leaning on top of him as he grabbed onto Taehyung’s hand and placed his small palm onto his cheek. Jimin felt his friend’s body temperature exceptionally warm, even more so than the heat coming off the other dancers. 

Taehyung opened his eyes and gazed up at Jimin’s frightened look. He was so angelic looking with the practice room lights glaring behind him, creating the most beautiful silhouette.  
“What’s wrong, Taehyung?” Jimin asked again.  
All Taehyung could get out was “it hurts” before rolling into Jimin’s crouched frame.   
He clutched onto his friend’s hand, causing unbearable pain from the strength of his massive grip. Jimin crouched over Taehyung in a protective state and rubbed his back as he squeezed him in an awkward hug.

“Get a manager!” Namjoon called out as he pointed in Jungkook’s direction, urging him to find someone abruptly.

Namjoon returned his focus back to Taehyung and placed his hand onto his shoulder, causing Jimin to recoil reflexively from the closeness of Namjoon’s arm.  
“Taehyung, what’s hurting? You have to tell me or I can’t help you.” Even though Namjoon’s heart was racing with worry, he managed to keep his composure as a leader, and also the backbone to the group.  
“My side-!” Taehyung projected, exhaling sharply, and reeling in pain. His breathing was still forced gasps, and he felt the presence of a weight compressing his chest. His lungs felt deflated and not functioning properly. He just wanted some air.

Namjoon lifted Taehyung’s shirt, revealing his dark, tanned skin. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but he could see the skin was distended where Taehyung had pressed his nails into his flesh, leaving behind red, crescent moons.  
“Is it here?” Namjoon asked as he gingerly pressed the puffy area.  
Taehyung didn’t flinch in pain from the pressure, but more felt an ease of tension with Namjoon’s large hand pressing down.  
Taehyung nodded as he leaned his head back onto Hobi’s lap as he rolled onto his back to allow Namjoon a better look at his stomach.

Hoseok brushed his hands across Taehyung’s cheeks to wipe the skin free of staining tears and sweat.  
The practice room door flew open from Jungkook’s urgency to get back to his fallen comrade.

A newer manager, brought on during the American tours over the summer to help with translations as he was fluent in English, was right behind the maknae. He crossed the floor to the huddled group and saw Namjoon pull Taehyung’s shirt back down, turning back to face the manager. 

“What happened here?” The manager asked with little worry in his voice. After hours of practice on a daily basis, he was already used to the injuries received by the members.  
“He just collapsed and said his stomach was hurting during practice,” Namjoon stated.  
Taehyung was no longer writhing around and had stilled in a cold sweat as Hoseok brushed his sweaty bangs off his forehead.  
“What did you eat Taehyung?” The manager asked.  
“He ate the same thing we had at dinner,” Jungkook spoke for his hyung. He remembered sitting next to Taehyung during dinner and sharing some fried chicken with him.  
“What time is it?” The manager asked looking around for a clock.  
“Uh, it’s about 1:30am now,” Namjoon said, glancing up at the wall clock.  
“Get him to bed and he should be fine by morning. You’ve practiced enough today.”  
The manager got up from his kneeled position and began to walk out of the practice room.  
“Sir, don’t you think he should go to the hospital?” Namjoon interjected before the manager had a chance to leave.  
“For a stomachache? No, he’ll be fine by morning.” He turned his back on the group and left the practice room, allowing the door to slowly shut behind him.

The group looked mystified that the manager didn’t help more, and felt it was careless after seeing the sight unfold before their very eyes. However, the manager didn’t see what the six others had experienced and was only going by words spoken to him.

Namjoon turned back and crouched next to Taehyung. “Can you stand up?” Namjoon asked, wondering if he’d want to stay in a ball for a little longer.  
Taehyung nodded and braced himself on Hoseok whom carefully pressed the boy’s body forward to aid him with his effort of getting up. Namjoon stood up and grabbed under Taehyung’s armpits to hoist him up to his feet. Taehyung’s knees became weak and he hunched forward as the pain struck like lightning, shooting a jolt of agonizing pain throughout his entire body.  
Namjoon lurched forward, thinking Taehyung was falling, and used his body to prop the younger up.  
“You okay?” Namjoon asked. He knew this wasn’t a simple stomachache, but he couldn’t go against what a manager says. His heart ached seeing Taehyung in this state, but he could only remain hopeful that this would pass by morning.

“Here. I’ll carry you,” Namjoon said as he crouched below Taehyung so he could climb onto his back. Hoseok helped ease Taehyung onto Namjoon’s broad back, and made sure he was steady as Namjoon raised back up to standing.  
The leader could feel the heat coming off the boy, and wondered if he may have a fever, or if he was just overheated from practice.

Hoseok walked beside the two with his hand on Taehyung’s lower back, making sure he didn’t shift and fall backwards, or slide off.

The other members stayed behind to clean up the practice room and gather their belongings while Namjoon, Hoseok, and Taehyung left for the dorm.

Some time later, Hoseok opened the door to Taehyung’s bedroom and allowed the two to enter before him. Namjoon crouched backwards over the bed and slid Taehyung off his back with Hoseok’s help. He was motionless except for the rise and fall of his chest as he was still breathing heavily.

Hoseok began slipping off Taehyung’s shoes and socks while Namjoon sat on the edge of the bed. He awkwardly rubbed the bangs off Taehyung’s forehead which were slick with beads of sweat. The younger had his eyes closed, a mix between sleep due to exhaustion, and bearing the pain of his abdomen in a meditative state.

Hoseok went to the closet and returned with a T-shirt and jammie bottoms to change Taehyung into for the night. He had assumed there wouldn’t be a shower in his near future after seeing how much pain he was in from just attempting to stand up.  
Taehyung opened his eyes and watched Namjoon with a pained expression, signifying his worry of being worthless and ruining the rest of practice.  
As Hobi laid the bottoms down onto the bed, he held out the shirt towards Taehyung.  
Namjoon could tell Taehyung didn’t want to raise his arms from their clutched state on his abdomen to dress himself, so he offered his help.  
“Here, Taehyung,” Namjoon quietly said as he reached an arm around the boy’s back to help prop him up.  
Taehyung leaned forward onto Namjoon and rested his head on his shoulder. He really just wanted to stay like this until the pain passed as he found Namjoon very comforting like a father figure.  
The elder male grabbed the fabric of Taehyung’s clothes and lifted it from the tangled limbs, allowing Taehyung to lean back against him. The fabric was practically soiled completely through from the amount of sweat clinging to his overheated body.  
Hoseok handed over the shirt to Namjoon’s opened hand and took the sweat slicked hoodie he had removed. He proceeded to put the clean shirt over Taehyung’s body and coaxed him to lay back down onto the bed. He immediately turned to his side and curled around Namjoon’s hips. Namjoon patted the lithe boy on his back and turned to Hobi.  
“I think someone should stay with Taehyung in case he feels worse. Someone should be with him.”  
Hobi nodded in agreement.  
Namjoon craned his neck to look down at Taehyung curled into him. “Taehyungie, I’m gonna go get a shower and then I’ll be back, okay?”  
Taehyung had slipped one of his hands free and was fingering the creased fabric on Namjoon’s pants. He didn’t want him to leave, but he already felt like a burden for making everyone skip the rest of practice due to him.  
Namjoon gave a fatherly rub on Taehyung’s back and carefully picked his exploring fingers from the seam so he didn’t snag his dongsaeng’s nail.

“Can you manage to change his pants yourself?” The leader asked Hoseok, implying he would gladly help if needed before his departure.  
“Nah, I got it,” Hobi said dryly. His usual upbeat attitude had disappeared in front of Namjoon, unwilling to mask his blight with a fake smile.

As Namjoon walked away, he could hear Hoseok cooing to Taehyung like he normally did towards the maknae line. His caring tone returned for the sake of the younger, meaning ‘everything will be okay’.

When Namjoon finished his shower, he returned to Taehyung’s room and noticed both boys stilled with movement under the covers. He cautiously walked across the floor and saw both were softly breathing in the night’s embrace, clutching each other’s hands as they slept. He didn’t want to wake either member since it would serve Taehyung best to rest. He turned back and left the room, pulling the door gently behind him, wondering if Hoseok would have preferred to take a shower and get out of his practice clothes.


	2. I’m Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hobi solemnly turned back to face Namjoon after watching Jimin run wildly down the length of the hallway.  
> “You don’t actually think this is the flu, do you?” He asked with a deep sorrow masking his gentle voice. “You just said that for Jimin’s sake, didn’t you?”   
> Namjoon pursed his lips and directed his eyes at Hoseok. His friend was quite intuitive when it came to reading what others were feeling.

Hobi awoke early the next morning with discomfort in his constricting pants he had worn during practice the previous night.  
It was still dark in the room, so he knew it wasn’t past 6am, yet, when the sun rays would be filling the room. He groaned and blinked wearily as he attempted to roll onto his side when he realized his arm had the sensation of pins and needles prickling his nerves. He glanced down with squinted, tired eyes and saw the top of Taehyung’s head buried into his side near the crook of his neck; wisps of baby hairs tickled Hobi’s chin as he moved his face.

Hoseok remembered the events vividly that happened hours ago and felt relieved knowing the pain didn’t keep his dongsaeng awake throughout the entire night.   
He rolled towards Taehyung and wrapped his free arm around the younger’s torso, breathing in the mixed scent of shampoo and sweat in Taehyung’s colored locks. Hobi gave the boy a snuggle, and felt Taehyung shift and move his head from the pressure of Hobi’s comforting squeeze.  
As Taehyung pressed away from Hobi’s side to look at the older male, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes in a groggy confusion of someone else being next to him in his bed.  
“How are you feeling?” Hoseok croaked with a deepness in his voice, not regularly heard except for early mornings.

Taehyung breathed deep and thought for a moment before replying that he felt fine. He hardly remembered getting back to the dorm once he hopped onto Namjoon’s back, causing him to be rocked towards the listlessness of sleep from his hyung’s sway.

Maybe the manager was correct that it was something he had ate. He felt like a nuisance for showing his weakness last night and causing the members to worry over him to such an unsettling extent. With the comeback so near, they couldn’t afford to miss any practice.

“Is everyone mad that practice was cut short because of me?” Taehyung asked in a worried fashion.  
“No, Taehyungie,” Hobi said as he pressed a heavy hand onto Taehyung’s cheek. He thumbed the length of the younger male’s eyebrow and noticed the heat coming off of his skin.  
“Are you too warm?” Hobi asked, moving to remove the blanket covering them.  
“No, I’m cold,” Taehyung stated.  
Hobi released the blanket and lifted his hand back up to Taehyung’s face. He pressed the back of his hand onto Taehyung’s forehead and then shifted to under his neck.  
“You’re really warm, Taehyungie. Are you sure you feel okay?” Hobi was concerned Taehyung may have a fever with how warm his skin felt, and being that he said he felt chilled at the same time.  
“I’m okay, Hyung,” Taehyung reassured the older male. He didn’t want to be a burden to the rest of the members, especially after missing the last bit of practice.  
“You can go if you want,” Taehyung whispered as he noticed Hobi still wearing his clothes from the previous night.  
Hoseok moved to squeeze Taehyung closer, rocking him back and forth slightly in his more cheerful attitude that the members were used to seeing.  
“But I want to stay with my Taehyungie!” Hobi reassured the younger, assuming Taehyung’s statement hid the sorrow that he wanted to be left alone instead of worrying over him. The other members knew Taehyung would often feel overly emotional and take things to heart more than others would.   
“Aren’t you uncomfortable in your pants?” Taehyung asked as he poked the fabric covering Hobi’s hip.  
“It’s worth being uncomfortable to be comfortable with you,” Hobi joked, still holding onto Taehyung in an enveloping embrace.  
“You can go shower, Hyung. Honestly, I’m feeling better,” Taehyung said as he pressed back against Hobi’s clutches.  
“Alright, Taehyungie,” Hoseok said as he lifted the blanket and rolled onto his back, allowing Taehyung a moment to slide off and free the older’s arm from it’s pinned state.  
“I understand when I’m not wanted....or you’re telling me I stink,” Hobi joked. He pinched Taehyung’s chin and then lifted the blanket back over Taehyung’s lithe body, tucking the fabric up around his neck. He leaned down and gave a quick peck on the top of Taehyung’s head. He was always caring towards the maknae line, but he tended to Taehyung’s needs a little more, much like the other members seemed to, as well.  
Hobi traced his fingers down Taehyung’s arm until he reached his hand. He gripped his fingertips and Taehyung returned the squeeze, much like a simple hand hug.

Hoseok walked towards the door, but stopped momentarily as he gripped the knob.  
“If you need anything, Taehyungie, just ask.” Hoseok was able to switch between cheerful to sincere so effortlessly from years of teaching dance routines, that it seemed like two completely different personas.  
“I will,” Taehyung responded, flashing a quick finger heart towards his Hyung.  
Hoseok smirked at the adorable dongsaeng, reciprocated the heart, and then left the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

Taehyung nuzzled his head back into his pillow, unable to rest his weary mind. He felt so disappointed in himself. He felt like crying, but also a hidden numbing feeling steadily overwhelming him.   
He stared out from his bed and traced the shadows dancing across the room. He felt uneasy laying alone, curious if any of the members were angered with him, or worse, wondering if the managers had yet found out practice was cut short.

Hoseok wandered down the lit hallway, wondering why the other members left the lights on. He glanced at his phone in his pocket and noticed it was almost 4am. Not as late as he thought.  
He approached the living area and saw Namjoon sitting on one end of the couch reading a novel, while Jimin was on the opposite side with his head leaning against the arm and his feet laying in Namjoon’s lap. His eyes were closed, but he didn’t appear to be in a deep slumber.

Namjoon noticed Hoseok in his peripherals and lifted his head up. While putting the bookmark between the pages and lowering the book, he spoke softly, as to not wake Jimin, unsure if he had dozed off.  
“How’s Taehyung doing?”

With the sound of Namjoon’s deep voice filling his ears, Jimin stirred awake from his restful state and jerked forward, eyes fixated on Hoseok. His feet dug into Namjoon’s thigh which made the older male lift the younger’s leg to a more comfortable position as he leaned forward.

Jimin desperately wanted to see his best friend, but while returning to the dorm, Namjoon told him Taehyung was asleep and to let him rest. So he decided to lay on the couch to keep Namjoon company, despite being assured he could go to bed by the leader. However, he felt himself being comforted sitting next to his hyung while his thoughts were plagued with worries regarding his friend.

“He’s doing alright,” Hobi began, “he said he wasn’t in any pain, but he’s very warm, like he has a fever. He also says he’s cold.”  
Namjoon nodded and looked towards Jimin, “I wonder if it’s just the flu.”  
Jimin shifted his gaze and stared into his lap, unsure if he could find the words to contribute to the conversation. He couldn’t form a sentence with all of his worries dancing around in his mind.  
“What if it’s not the flu?” Jimin preciously asked softly, eyes still fixed on his shirt sleeve he had been fiddling with to occupy his hands.  
Namjoon placed his hand onto Jimin’s shin that was laying in his lap and gave it a fatherly squeeze.  
“We’ll keep an eye on him, but I think he’ll be okay.”   
Jimin nodded while avoiding eye contact with the two older males.

Namjoon was hopeful this was nothing to worry about, but at the same time, he couldn’t recall seeing any member, even Taehyung, reacting to the flu in such a way that he had witnessed earlier during practice.  
“You want to go see him?” Namjoon asked Jimin, knowing the answer, but offering kind words to the younger to snap him out of his intrusive thoughts.  
Jimin nodded still hanging his head low, allowing his nimble fingers to pick a thread at the seam of his shirt sleeve.  
“Yeah, but I know he should rest.”  
Jimin raised his head slowly to look at Namjoon, the tears quickly drying before they ever had the chance to fall. Without the leader automatically replying, he found hope that he could go see his friend. He raised an eyebrow and offered a lighthearted smirk at the leader.  
Namjoon patted Jimin’s leg and nodded his head.  
“Okay. I’m sure it’d be fine to see him. He’s probably still awake from Hoseok leaving.”

Namjoon barely finished his sentence before Jimin leapt from the couch and bounded down the hallway towards Taehyung’s room, nearly knocking Hobi down in his path if the elder hadn’t pressed his back against the wall to avoid a collision.

Namjoon leaned forward on the couch to rest his chin on his folded fingers. His mind was a wreck from the stress of being the leader of the group during the comeback season.

Hobi solemnly turned back to face Namjoon after watching Jimin run wildly down the length of the hallway.  
“You don’t actually think this is the flu, do you?” He asked with a deep sorrow masking his gentle voice. “You just said that for Jimin’s sake, didn’t you?”   
Namjoon pursed his lips and directed his eyes at Hoseok. His friend was quite intuitive when it came to reading what others were feeling.

Namjoon released an audible exhale and leaned back onto the couch, covering his eyes with his arms. The sleep deprivation was tormenting his already weary mind.  
Hoseok walked over to the couch and clasped his fingers softly around Namjoon’s wrist.  
“Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

Hobi was right. It was late and staying up would only hinder the schedule they had lined up for the next day.

Jimin slowed to a crawl by the time he got to Taehyung’s doorway. He didn’t want the sound of his steps echoing to awaken Taehyung if he had, in fact, fallen back to sleep.  
He slowly turned the doorknob until he heard the click, and eased it open. The room was blanketed in nightly shadows, making Jimin blind while his eyes slowly adjusted.   
Pressing the door shut behind him, he saw Taehyung’s silhouette curled on the bed.  
He crept forward through the room until he reached the edge of the mattress. He leaned down and eased himself onto the bed. Taehyung shifted with the lightweight pressure next to him and opened his eyes.  
“Hi Taehyungie,” Jimin whispered. By this point, he was laying down and facing his best friend, using his curled arm as a pillow.  
Taehyung gave a weak smile and uncurled his arms from the cocooned blanket, holding them open for Jimin to come closer. Jimin leaned in and reciprocated the hug that Taehyung was reaching out for.  
“How are you doing?” Jimin asked as he held onto Taehyung in the warm embrace.  
Jimin waited for an answer, but when he didn’t hear a response from the deep voiced male, he leaned back to try to look him in the eyes. He thought maybe Taehyung had fallen back asleep, but as he made a move, he felt Taehyung clutch him tighter, not wanting their embrace to be broken. His friend’s face was pressed up against his chest, and he leaned in to rest his cheek onto the top of Taehyung’s head.   
Buried into his friend’s colored hair, Jimin heard the faint sound of a sniff emanate from the one he held in his arms.  
“Taehyungie?” Jimin called softly, waiting for a reply.  
Still no words, but gripped fingers around his back let Jimin know Taehyung was still awake.  
“Oh, Taehyungie,” Jimin purred. He recoiled more and reached for Taehyung’s chin.  
“What’s wrong Taehyung?” Jimin let out a slight chuckle hoping to ease his friend’s tension so he’d open up to him.  
Taehyung’s grip lessened and he reached his hand around to hold onto Jimin’s hand as he lifted his chin.   
“I’m sorry!” He sobbed as he pressed Jimin’s hand away and attempted to turn his face in the opposite direction than his friend’s gaze.  
Jimin quickly sat up in the bed and reached for Taehyung’s hands to pry them away from hiding his shamed face.  
“Taehyungie, there’s no reason to be sorry. It was late anyway and we had been practicing all evening.” 

Taehyung stopped fighting Jimin’s resilience and rolled onto his back. He wiped his face free of tears and took a deep inhale to regain his composure. He wanted to believe this was no big deal, but he couldn’t help worry about future performances:

What if this isn’t just something he ate? 

What if this happens during their comeback? 

What if he can’t perform for Army?

Unwelcomed worries raced through his mind, causing anxiety to plague his every thought. He was overwhelmed with strong emotions and struggled to hold everything in.

Jimin sat with his legs crossed and rubbed Taehyung on the chest with his fingertips, waiting for his friend to relax some.   
Taehyung was always willing to speak to Jimin whenever he felt inadequate or overwhelmed with the events of life; even just sitting beside him while he cried made things better, somehow. 

Taehyung allowed his eyes to roll back before closing as he took a shallow inhale.   
“What if this happens again? Or on stage in front of everyone?”  
“Nah, Taehyungie, you don’t have to worry about the future. Stressing about that is the only thing that’ll make you sick. Let’s just focus on feeling better today. Like Namjoon-Hyung said, ‘it’s probably just the flu’.....”  
“We’re okay, Taehyungie.”  
Taehyung reached out and placed his hand upon Jimin’s, stilling the tickling sensations he had been feeling on his chest as his friend scratched softly over the fabric of his shirt. The size difference always made Jimin feel so small and secure when he held Taehyung’s massive hand.  
His fingers curled around, swallowing Jimin’s whole hand, only leaving the smaller’s thumb free to rub over Taehyung’s flesh.

“It’ll be okay, Taehyungie. 사랑해!”


	3. Boyz With Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The one person that gets the bed all to himself is the one that likes sleeping with other members,” J-Hope announced to the cameras, exposing the irony of the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first wrote this chapter 2 years ago, the readers actually voted on who would win the game.  
> This was an interactive chapter and (no spoilers!) won by quite a bit.

Weeks after Taehyung first became ill, everything seemed to be going well. Their comeback took place and the group set new, and broke, many records, as usual. Winning award after award, they were living their dream. The seven kings of comeback had taken over airwaves, television, computers, and stages all over the world. Their lives became nonstop performances for their passion.

The seven members had been continuing their filming for their VLive series: Run BTS, despite their busy Comeback schedule. The staff organized multiple episodes that could be filmed within the day to get them ahead for future uploads while they toured in Europe and the U.S.

The seven boys gathered in front of a bustling terminal at LaGuardia Airport, after flying for hours from LAX to New York.  
They were filming another episode today, and it began late in the afternoon, just after gathering their luggage and filing off the plane.  
The staff orchestrated the next few days of filming in accordance with their New York television appearance schedule.

They were to head to the rental house where they would have to play a game to determine room accommodations. The gimmick was as follows: out of three bedrooms, one member that was the winner of the featured game, got to choose his room and have it all to himself. The other six would have to divide between the final two rooms.

After being told the rules of the first game, the members boarded a large van to take them to their new residence for the weekend.  
The house was immaculate in size, overlooking the shore of the Atlantic Ocean. Windows spanned the entire length of the Eastern wall, giving the members the refreshing feel of constant sea breeze flowing through the open windows on the balcony above. The house featured two stories with a double balcony, and included an indoor swimming pool, and gaming lounge.

The seven members congregated at the large, oak table in the dining room while the staff set up cameras and computers to begin filming. None of the members were suffering from jet lag, so they were anxious to begin the game. After all, they were used to barely getting any shut eye, even when they weren’t flying through multiple time zones.  
As the crew prepared, they gave a quick rundown of the rules for the game to the boys. Behind the cameras, they were always told before filming so there was little confusion once filming began.

PD-nim listed the rules of the game on a dry erase board for the members:

1\. Hidden around the house are several cards with South Korean facts.

2\. Find a card and fill in the blank correctly.

3\. The fact, in its entirety, will lead you to an object with a hidden BTS logo sticker.

4\. Collect the most stickers to win.

5\. Some stickers are trickier than others.

“Ohh, Rapmonie-Hyung will be good at this,” Jimin stated, leaning back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest.  
Namjoon had a, relatively, high intelligence quotient, so the other six members assumed he’d do the best at the puzzle solving portion of the game.  
“Nah, any one of us should be able to answer facts about Korea,” Namjoon humbly interjected. He understood it wasn’t just filling in the blanks, but also Hide and Seek with inanimate objects. It was a fair game for everyone.

The members began filming the opening sequence of their program with the staff. They were full of giggles and giddiness like usual when filming together, constantly worrying about the entertainment value for the viewers.

The staff instructed the seven to begin the game, and each one leapt from their seats to navigate through the house, exploring for clues.  
Jungkook ran off to the indoor pool that was at the farthest end of the house. He wanted to spread out away from the others in hopes they’d all be bumping into each other at the front of the house.  
“How big are the cards,” he jokingly asked his personal camera man following him around, knowing he wasn’t going to get any hints.  
He stood for a moment near the pool and looked above him and scanned his eyes down the walls. There weren’t many shelves in this room to hide a lot, so he overlooked an abundance of space he thought was open.  
“Ah!” Jungkook sighed in a higher octave as he cocked his head and ran to the next room, his camera man following closely behind. His concept was to run the fastest, but it showed carelessness when the most important part was paying attention to detail.

Seokjin slowly roamed around the large kitchen, looking high and low. He opened drawers, but didn’t find any cards.  
“Aish, this is too much,” he exclaimed to his camera man.  
He reached for the refrigerator handle and pulled the door open, allowing the inner light to illuminate his features.  
He noticed some food items already stocked for their three night stay, and decided to make a snack before actually participating in the game.  
He pulled out an orange and turned towards his camera man. He held his crooked finger in front of his pouty lips while staring sheepishly into the camera, as if eating during the game should be their safely kept secret.  
He began to peel the orange when Taehyung entered and caught his eye. They locked gazes and laughed at each other when Jin realized his snacking had been exposed.  
Taehyung walked up to Jin and fixed his eyes on his treat, waiting like a baby bird to be fed from his mother.  
The older male pulled a segment free and fed it to Taehyung, before even having a chance to feed himself a bite.  
While chewing the juicy citrus, Taehyung opened the fridge, curious to see if Jin had looked for a card in there, yet. He crouched down to look at the bottom shelf, but failed to find anything amongst the groceries.  
“I already checked,” Jin laughed as he continued eating.  
Taehyung looked up towards the top shelf when he noticed a circular purple sticker through the glass shelf, adhered to the bottom of a jar.  
“Ah!” Taehyung exclaimed as he stood up and lifted the jar of kimchi from the shelf. He pulled the sticker from the bottom and held it out in front of him to show Jin what he just found by a fluke. He laughed realizing he found the sticker without locating the clue.  
“Aigoo, Taehyung-ah!” Jin scoffed with food packed to the side of his mouth. His eyes only noticed food when he had looked earlier since his stomach had been growling for hours previously.  
Taehyung laughed as he ran from the kitchen in search of another sticker. Knowing what he was looking for, he didn’t worry about finding clue cards anymore, and instead, lifted objects and decorations throughout the rooms in search of the stickers, completely bypassing the main aspect of the game. He planned searching each room, assuming multiples wouldn’t be in the same room, but further throughout the house.

Jimin entered one of the bathrooms on the second floor and instantly spotted a card behind the mirror.  
He picked up the card and read it aloud to the camera man following him.  
“The (blank) is South Korea’s national flower.”  
Jimin looked up at the camera and pretended to not know the answer for the entertainment of suspense.  
He pointed and exclaimed with the snap of his fingers, “the Mugungwha is the national flower!”  
He moved to stare at the card trying to think of what he should look for now.  
“Do I have to find a flower now?” He asked his camera man, not expecting an answer but more of a rhetorical question for viewer dialogue.  
He scanned the large bathroom looking at the decorations. He noticed a single fake hibiscus flower sitting in a glass vase on the windowsill and ran over to pick it up. He saw the sticker on the bottom and snatched if off. After replacing the flower back haphazardly, he held the sticker in front of the camera and laughed maniacally as he ran from the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Namjoon walked into the master bedroom where a lone kingsize bed sat in the middle with the foot facing an opened sliding glass door that led out to the balcony. The wind softly blew the sheer curtains giving the room an ominous feel during the daylight hours.  
Aesthetics aside, namjoon’s beautiful brain was focused solely on searching for fact cards.  
He scanned the room with his dark eyes and quickly spotted a purple card poking out from under the vanity.  
“Oh!” Namjoon exclaimed as he glided his way over to the card. “You guys are slipping with your hiding spots,” he joked with his personal camera man. He remembered previous episodes where the staff found absurdly difficult challenges for the members to perform.  
He flipped the card over to reveal the fact and read it aloud to the camera:  
“(Blank) is considered bad luck since it’s the same Chinese character for Death.”  
“Oh, this one’s easy; it’s four,” Namjoon stated. The realization of the second part to finding the sticker struck him rather quickly that this was not as simple as he once thought.  
“Now what does ‘4’ go to?” Namjoon pondered while glancing around the room.  
“Is the answer gonna be in the same room?” The leader rhetorically questioned aloud.  
“Hmmm...”  
Namjoon wandered towards the bed and recklessly tossed the comforter down like the God of Destruction. Eschewing the fluffy down pillows, he spotted a second purple card hidden in the shadows.  
“Ah-ha,” Namjoon gleefully cheered as he picked up the second card:  
“Along with Tokyo residents, Seoulites get the least amount of (blank) of any residents of major cities in the world, just fewer than 6 hours a night.”  
“Six hours of sleep?” Namjoon smirked at the camera, already knowing the missing part was for rest, “that would be a blessing to get that amount every night.”  
“Does sleep mean the sticker is in the bed?” Namjoon lifted the sheets, but found nothing out of the ordinary. He lifted a pillow and reached inside the thin pillowcase until his fingers were tickled by something foreign.  
“Oh!” Namjoon reacted enigmatically. He pulled a sticker from the case and gave a proud smile, revealing the dimples deep in his cheeks.  
“So ‘4’?” He looked again at his first card, now understanding something with a ‘4’, or possibly counting to four, would be correct.  
His eyes gleamed over a clock hanging on the wall, subtly looking out of place in this room.  
He reached up and pulled the clock from the hook it was hanging on and spun it around in his hands. He could already see the purple sticker stuck to the back, and immediately pocketed his second finding.  
Namjoon was now leading the game with two stickers to his finding.

Jimin slowly wandered through the hallways with his camera man leading in front of him. He tended to lose his competitiveness with his fellow members in lieu of giving a better performance for the entertainment value.  
While he still played the game to a certain extent, offering comedy to the viewers was at the forefront of his mind.  
As jimin suavely sashayed down the second story hall, he casually opened a linen closet to take a gander.  
Out in the open at his eye level, he noticed a fact card tucked between two terrycloth towels.  
“Ah-ha,” Jimin announced victoriously.  
“The most common family surnames in South Korea are (blank), (blank), and (blank).”  
“Three blanks?” Jimin questioned looking at his camera man. “Are the other facts like this?”  
He looked back at the fact card and searched the nooks and crannies of his mystified brain for three possible answers.  
“Well, ‘Kim’ has to be the first,” Jimin jokingly laughed. “I mean, we have three Kims on our team.”  
He stood in the hall looking at the card when Taehyung’s footsteps could be heard accelerating up the stairs.  
Jimin made eye contact with his friend and they both coyly smiled at the other.  
“Jimin-ssi, did you find a sticker?” Taehyung asked with his deep, gravely voice.  
“No, just the fact card,” he explained as he moved to hold it out for Taehyung’s viewing.  
“Help me, Taehyungie.”  
Taehyung read the card held in Jimin’s delicate hands. He took the opportunity to grasp onto his friend’s wrist to steady his hand better. A mix of exhaustion and adrenaline were causing a jitteriness in Jimin’s quaking body, which was common for him during the first two months after a comeback.  
Jimin stared at Taehyung’s handsome facial features while he carefully contemplated the missing blanks on the card.  
“Do you know it, Taehyungie?” Jimin asked in a lovingly lilt.  
“Kim?” Taehyung questioned.  
“Yah, Taehyung-ssi! That’s the one I got.” Jimin laughed as he placed his hand on the back of Taehyung’s neck, giving it a soft squeeze. He enjoyed touching Taehyung since his body size was larger than his own. His neck was thicker, his fingers were longer, and he had grown drastically over the years after debut, while Jimin had only gotten smaller in size.  
“Where’d you find the card?” Taehyung asked his friend.  
Jimin pointed into the linen closet and lifted some of the towels. “It was wedged in between these.”  
Taehyung shifted to start rifling through the towels to see if he could find a sticker hidden.  
“Maybe we don’t need the card if it’s on one of the towels,” Taehyung guessed.  
“We?” Jimin asked. “Are we a team?”  
Taehyung paused and flashed his square smile at his soulmate.  
“We’re always a team.”  
Jimin’s heart pattered for his adorable friend.  
He turned to face his camera and pointed towards Taehyung, “yah, this guy’s cute!”  
Jimin decided to move on to another room in the house, instead of lingering on the fact card he had procured. Taehyung could hear Jimin muttering down the hall in defeat, giving up quite quickly in the hunt.  
After watching his friend cross the hall and exit down the stairs, Taehyung turned to the staff and lifted the card to his chest.  
“Kim, Lee, Park?” His square smile was radiating as he waited for recognition from the staff.  
He watched the Director with the surname Kim reach into his pocket and pull out a purple sticker. He held it out towards Taehyung, and the younger graciously took it with both hands.  
“Ah, thank you!” Taehyung gleamed with a slight bow.  
He now tied the game with Leader Namjoon.

Halfway through the allotted time, the members were finding fact cards and retrieving stickers for themselves.  
J-Hope accrued the sticker found in the kitchen on a pack of Gim brand seaweed snacks after reading the fact:  
“South Korea harvests more than 90% of the world’s (blank) consumption.”  
Solving the fact with the hidden word ‘seaweed’, J-Hope soon found his first sticker of the game.  
The second fact card he found in the kitchen proved great confusion:  
“South Korea’s national dish is (blank) with over 170 variations.”  
J-Hope solved the fact with the word ‘kimchi’, but when he found the jar in the refrigerator, the sticker was missing, not knowing Taehyung had found that particular token earlier without the clue. He would remain stupefied in the kitchen until the end of the game due to unforeseen circumstances.

Yoongi was proving to be a master at the game when he stumbled upon the laptop hidden on the second balcony. He thought the laptop placed between two double sized wicker chairs was a bit strange, so he moved to search around it.  
He found the grandest of clue cards when he realized there were three incomplete facts on one card. Surely the owner of this card would leapfrog to the front of the pact and edge out the competition.  
All of the clues on the card revolved around the same common theme:  
“92% of South Korean population are (blank) users.”

“The microchips for Apple iPhones are made by the South Korean company (blank).”

“In 2011, South Korea passed a law called the Shutdown, or (blank), Law that bans anyone younger than 16 from online game sites.”

Yoongi was very knowledgeable with computers after spending the majority of his life using them to record songs, and produce music.  
“If I know the blanks, what do I do then?” Yoongi asked one of the staff members that had been positioned on the balcony for filming.  
For fear the clues were too difficult to get to the next step, the staff member hinted at using the laptop for the location of the stickers.  
Yoongi opened the laptop and watched the screen flash to the desktop, decorated with a comical BTS gag photo as the wallpaper.  
Yoongi slowly read the descriptive words under each icon until he found one titled ’Samsung’.  
He clicked the file as he explained to the camera for future viewers that Samsung made the Apple chips for iPhones.  
The folder opened up to a white screen with a single purple BTS sticker in the center of the screen.  
He looked towards the staff member that was reaching out to hand him a hard copy of the sticker for his virtual find.  
“Ah, okay! Okay!” Yoongi understood and proceeded to read each of the remaining files knowing the other two answers were somewhere in plain sight.  
“I’m assuming since the theme is electronics,” Yoongi groaned to himself in his monotone voice, “the answer to the first one is ‘92% are internet users.”  
He calmly clicked on the folder labeled ‘Internet’ and watched the screen transition to the image of the purple BTS sticker once again.  
The same staff member handed over the second sticker to Yoongi, who was flashing his gummy smile.  
Without hesitating, Yoongi returned his eyes to the laptop.  
“And that means the last one would have to be....” he hovered the mouse crosshair over another folder and clicked, revealing the last hidden virtual BTS sticker.  
“The Cinderella Law!” Yoongi triumphantly announced. “Couldn’t someone just click on each folder until they finally found the three?” He joked matter of factly as his common sense proved the realism of the game.  
The second eldest collected the third and final sticker from the balcony location, and scurried back inside in search of more clue cards.

Jungkook wandered about the house, passing members in adjoining rooms, but he resisted searching where others had been.  
He carried a sticker in his possession that he found on the underside of the roof of the changing room near the pool house. He never found the clue card stating the missing piece of the puzzle:  
“All South Korean (roofs) are curved at the ends giving the appearance of a smile.”  
He procured the sticker and hustled away without giving a second thought of finding the sticker before even possessing the clue.

Namjoon found two more clue cards in the master bathroom:  
“Only 3.2% of Koreans are (blank) which ties japan for the lowest.”

And:  
“Instead of air heaters, Koreans have heated floors, called (blank).”

Namjoon scoffed at the first incomplete fact calling it ‘too vague’.  
“I know the second one is ‘ondol’, but does that mean I have to look under the floorboards?”  
Namjoon looked around the room when he heard footsteps growing closer to his location.  
He flicked his head back to see Taehyung enter the doorway.  
“Hyung, did you find anything?” Taehyung asked in a deep voice masked with aegyo intentions.  
Despite feeling competitive, Namjoon was stuck on his clues and thought about making an alliance with the younger.  
“Do you want to work together?” Namjoon asked, “I have two clues from this room. We can each take one.”  
“Okay, okay,” Taehyung quickly agreed, moving next to Namjoon to read the clue card he possessed.  
Namjoon wrapped his arm around Taehyung’s waist and allowed him to read the card he held in front of him.  
“I know the second one is ‘Ondol’, but I can’t figure out the first one, or where to look for ‘Ondol’,” Namjoon conferred.  
“Hyung, there’s a radiator there behind the door,” Taehyung gestured towards the silver object. It was an old school accordion radiator that seemed out of place for the recently renovated, modernized house.  
Namjoon raced over and reached his hand into the shadows behind the heater, pulling back to reveal a purple sticker.  
“Alright, V!” Namjoon cheered the younger for his cunning deduction.  
“Now we have this vague one,” Namjoon said as he held the card back out to let Taehyung take it and decipher the fact. Namjoon always thought Taehyung had a brilliant mind since he looked at problems differently instead of in a rigid, black and white pattern.  
Taehyung read the card, but agreed with Namjoon that the fact was very vague in what it was stating.  
He remembered finding his first sticker without ever locating the clue, and thought maybe luck could strike a second time.  
“Hyung, what if we just look around for the sticker instead of solving this. I think they’re in the same room as the cards are found.”  
Namjoon smirked at Taehyung’s sneaky demeanor and patted him on the back of the neck.  
“Only you would think a step ahead of everyone else,” Namjoon complimented the younger.  
They split up in the room and began looking under, behind, and inside various places.  
Taehyung knelt down and opened the cabinet beneath the sink and noticed a peculiar piece of equipment under the pipes. He lifted a body fat scale and saw the purple sticker attached to the underside of it. Taehyung could have coyly snuck the sticker in his pocket since Namjoon was preoccupied on the other side, but he decided to hold onto the honor with integrity, and called to the older male.  
“Hyung!”  
Namjoon turned and saw Taehyung holding a purple sticker.  
“It was on the scale,” Taehyung said.  
Namjoon grabbed the sticker from Taehyung and looked back at the fact card.  
“Only 3.2% of Koreans are ‘overweight’,” Namjoon deduced.  
“Here, Taehyung-ssi,” Namjoon said as he handed the purple sticker back to the younger male. “Our deal was to split them.”  
Taehyung took the sticker and felt excited that he was already doing well in the game.  
The two divided up and left to search the other rooms in the house.

Yoongi, Taehyung, and Namjoon entered a three way tie for the prize.  
“ONE STICKER REMAINS!” The director’s voice echoed through the house by use of the intercom connected through each room. “SINK OR SWIM!”

Cameramen picked up each individual reaction as the announcement was overheard. Some remained puzzled with the last bit, while others kicked it into overdrive.  
Jungkook did an about face and sprinted for the lower level, tracing his steps back to the pool where he first searched. He bumped into Taehyung whom was also hastily running towards the first floor.  
They giggled as they playfully pulled on each other to be the first member to the room in question.  
They watched Suga scuttle past the foot of the staircase with his tiny, rapid steps, making his way, also, to the pool room.

The three members entered the room and found J-Hope already looking around.  
Jungkook was in a land of confusion since this was the first room he attempted a search on. He must have carelessly overlooked the clue since he barely spent a proper time looking around.

Namjoon, Jin, and Jimin joined the rest of the group, and the room suddenly became crowded with cameramen and staff members.  
“Ah, I found it!” Jin exclaimed with glee as he ran from the spare towels with a fact card.  
“(Blank) is the national sport.”  
“Taekwondo!” Jin yelled out immediately after reading, causing everyone to freeze in their tracks and look at the staff director, waiting for confirmation that he was correct. But the staff members had no reaction, like filming wild animals for the Discovery Channel.  
“Jin-Hyung,” Jimin laughed, watching the elders antics. “You have to find the sticker, not just yell ‘Taekwondo’!”  
The other members burst into audible laughter as they watched the eldest become flustered after solving the clue for everyone, instead of secretly keeping the card to himself. His ears brazened with the heated redness from his annoyance.  
“What’s ‘taekwondo’ supposed to mean?” Namjoon asked to no one in particular.  
“Yah!” J-Hope shouted as he flicked his hand out to point a slender finger at the pool.  
His teeth were showing while we laughed in a wide grin at how sly the staff was.  
“It’s at the bottom of the pool!”  
Hobi noticed the blurry sticker adhered to the bottom of the pool.  
All of the members halted their actions, not wanting to get wet, except for two playful souls:  
Taehyung was already spring boarding into the pool while Jungkook was just a few seconds after as he wasted a moment to remove his jacket.  
The older hyungs watched their dongsaengs and even cheered them on, no longer caring about results of the game.  
“Taehyungie’s a strong swimmer,” Jimin said while watching his friend get close to the sticker.  
Jungkook playfully pulled onto Taehyung’s sides, knowing he wasn’t going to make it in time with the head start his hyung had managed.  
Taehyung kept kicking until he was in arms reach, even managing to ignore the maknaes tickling fingers against his legs. He ripped the sticker from the bottom, and both boys kicked up to break the surface.  
Taehyung held up the sticker and several members applauded him.  
As the boys crawled out of the pool dripping wet, Jimin wrapped a fluffy towel around Taehyung while Jin comically enveloped Jungkook in a towel with a hug.

The members stood in a filed line for the last bit of filming for the remainder of the episode.  
The staff prepared to read the results and each member casually talked about their experiences.  
“Yah! This kid found a sticker on a jar of kimchi without even finding the clue!” Jin joked.  
“I found that card!” J-Hope announced in disbelief. “I stayed in the kitchen almost the whole game looking for that sticker! Yah, Taehyung-ssi!”  
Taehyung laughed when he realized his startling find had kept a member preoccupied, and most likely, causing him to lose the game.  
“Taehyung was good at that,” Namjoon admitted, “he helped me find one that way.”  
“I found one outside like that, too,” Jungkook confessed.

The staff began their result findings:  
“In last place....with zero stickers....  
Jin!”  
The members laughed hysterically at Jin’s misfortune at playing games.  
“Next....is a three way tie....each finding only one sticker....  
J-Hope, Jimin, and Jungkook.”  
“The ‘J’s’ are all out!” Namjoon laughed, feeling excited since he held three stickers in his possession and half the team was out of the running.  
“And the winner is......”

The members stood in suspense. Each knowing how many stickers they personally obtained, but none of them knew how many the others possessed.

“Taehyung!”

Taehyung’s last pool sticker put him in the lead with four total. He cheered for himself and did an aegyo victory dance.  
“The one person that gets the bed all to himself is the one that likes sleeping with other members,” J-Hope announced to the cameras, exposing the irony of the situation.  
“That’s okay, I’ll have enough pillows,” Taehyung sheepishly responded, despite agreeing that he didn’t enjoy sleeping alone these days.  
His mind was constantly restless, and having someone next to him helped comfort his tormented thoughts long enough until he could slip into a tiresome dreamland.

The members dispersed from filming the game segment, and finished the evening eating New York’s popular delicacy of pizza and New York cheesecake for dessert.  
Although the members agreed the Americanized treat was too sweet to the foreign palettes, Jungkook found the overly sweet taste very alluring, and considered it simply to be excessive calories to bulk his muscles during his workout tomorrow morning.

Between witty banter at the dining table, and various connotations of memories so far, the members casually passed the time laughing until early evening approached.

Taehyung hesitantly sipped his soda with the sudden onset of nausea overwhelming his core. His mind disappeared from the conversation while he slowly focused on breathing deep, long breaths to squelch the acidic burn erupting from within.  
Jin’s agreed upon punishment was cleanup duty since he didn’t find any stickers during the entire game earlier, according to the staff.  
This meant the other members had some free time to relax in the house while cameras were busy filming Jin.

Taehyung retired, without a word, to the master bedroom with his suitcase so he could change into sleepwear to feel more comfortable.  
His stomach was reeling in pain and the onset dizziness was creating a sharp headache, pulsating Taehyung’s aching brain.  
Once changed, he laid under the covers and felt a clammy chill overwhelm his entire body. His feet and hands were freezing and he couldn’t stop the vibrational shakiness developing throughout his body. His skin prickled with goose flesh, and his teeth quietly chattered as he curled the blanket around his neck and rocked in a childlike fetal position.

A pressure in his abdomen took his breath away as he felt his lungs being strangled for air with every compressing expansion of his diaphragm with his heavy inhales.  
The pain became excruciatingly unbearable and salty tears welled in the boy’s eyes, quickly streaming down his angled face that he buried deep into his pillow.  
Ghostly moans escaped his puffy lips and he moved to slowly rock back and forth in an effort to ease the pain.  
It was happening again. The excruciating pain was back, but this time, things would only go from bad to worse.


	4. Save Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Help!” Jin screamed out while still clinging onto Taehyung’s unconscious body. “Please, someone help!” His voice cracked with an outburst of tears flowing profusely. He was crying for the life of the kid he held desperately in his arms.  
> “Help! Dear God, help!” He continued screaming, not giving a moment of time to pass without trying to get someone in that room.  
> “Taehyungie, please wake up,” he cried uncontrollably as he placed his hand onto Taehyung’s cheek and gave a jarring pat.  
> “Please just be okay!”

Taehyung laid awake in the king size bed, alone with a sickening burn in the pit of his stomach. The pressure in his abdomen had returned shortly after dinner, but Taehyung quickly decided to retire to his room to lay down away from the others; not wishing to worry them in regards to what he was dealing with in secrecy.

Darkness had yet to fall, and a summer storm had moved in to the New York area to cascade rainfall melodically onto the property.  
Taehyung watched the soft raindrops cling from the rooftop overhang just outside his window. While watching the droplets force the leaves to dance on the tree outside would, normally, have given him a sense of euphoric peace, this time, peace eluded him in this torturous state.  
Acrid acid continued to bubble within his stomach and a wave of nausea overtook his entire body. He rolled to his side and began breathing slow exhales to ease his trembling mind in a meditative fashion.  
With his mouth beginning to water, he darted for the bathroom down the main hallway.  
Barely able to slam the door shut behind himself, he lifted the toilet lid and felt the dry heaves overtake him.  
Burning stomach bile stinging his esophagus as he wretched his dinner out. His eyes watered and exhaustion quickly overtook his last bit of strength. He collapsed to his knees with a thud, and leaned his face onto his arms, nearly hanging his body halfway into the bowl.

With an empty stomach now, he could really feel the pain aching in his side. Feelings of being stabbed with a sharp, burning rod piercing his abdomen made tears speckle out of his tightly squeezed eyelids. His breath caught in his throat as he felt the sudden sensation of being choked from the inside.

A knock occurred against the bathroom door as Taehyung rested his exhausted self on the floor.  
“You okay?” He heard Jin’s muffled voice through the wooden door.  
Before Taehyung could respond through his heaving labored breaths and dull moans, the doorknob clicked and Jin slowly peered his head passed the door frame.  
After witnessing Taehyung in his dire state, Jin quickly rushed in, pressing the door closed behind him, and swiftly galloping over to help Taehyung.  
He dropped down to a squat next to the young male and placed his hands on Taehyung’s back.  
“Taehyungie, are you okay?” Jin asked in a motherly tone.  
He brushed Taehyung’s sweat soaked bangs from his forehead and noticed the glassy eyed slits barely open, showing only the whites of his rolled back eyes just below his long, dark eyelashes.  
“Oh God!” Jin exclaimed as he stood up and grabbed a washcloth from the sink. He ran it under the cold tap water and rushed to wring it out, leaving behind a lot of excess liquid to carelessly drip down his thin arm.  
Jin returned next to Taehyung and pressed the cold cloth against the younger’s skin. The barely conscious boy was burning up with a fever, causing great worry for the eldest.   
Jin wiped Taehyung’s mouth clean from the drool that had accumulated near the corners of his pouty lips, and then pressed the cold cloth against the boy’s neck that was heavily covered in sweat.  
“Come here, Taehyung,” Jin instructed to the dazed younger as he coaxed him to lift his head from his arm. He assumed Taehyung was done throwing up, and thought it’d be more comfortable for the boy to relieve himself from praying to the porcelain gods.

Taehyung softly moaned in protest as Jin eased his hands around his waist to help him up; reeling his body in pain as the slightest pressure on his torso caused electrocuting jolts when his core tightened from the twisting movement.  
Jin closed the lid to the toilet and pressed the handle to flush the contents of dinner away.  
He leaned back to sit against the wall and pulled Taehyung closer between his spread legs, positioning the boy so his back was flush against his chest.

With the younger leaning his head back onto the eldest’s broad shoulder, Jin proceeded to wipe Taehyung’s entire face and neck with the soaked washcloth to help cool him down.  
The acidic breath he could smell with every exhale coming from the boy caused his stomach to churn in agony. The acrid stench of vomit and bile lingered on his dongsaeng’s breath and billowed with his sharp exhales of agony.

Jin noticed Taehyung clutching his abdomen in the same location he remembered weeks ago during the practice that had been interrupted.  
“Oh, Taehyung-Ah,” Jin exclaimed as he hindered his wiping to wrap his arms around his dongsaeng, placing one hand on top of Taehyung’s to feel the pressure being furtively applied to the invisible wound. He comfortably rocked softly side to side while gripping onto Taehyung. He could feel the stinging sensation of tears prickling his sinus, but managed to hold strong for the member he clutched in his arms. He didn’t want to worry Taehyung, especially while he was this ill.

Taehyung laid motionless in Jin’s arms, allowing the elder to gently rock them both in comfort.   
As Jin pressed his left hand against Taehyung’s slender fingers, he felt the grip slack a bit from it’s clenched position it was in just moments ago.  
Jin’s worry peaked when he felt Taehyung begin to shake uncontrollably. He grabbed one of Taehyung’s hands and held it out, realizing the slender fingertips were blue and vibrating rapidly.  
“Taehyungie?!” Jin exclaimed with dominating distress; his voice rising in volume as fear trickled into his every thought.  
“Taehyung, please wake up!” Increasing panic overtook Jin and he felt hopeless and lost.  
He pressed his palm onto Taehyung’s chest to feel his heartbeat; to feel it rise with his breath.  
He held his own breath while he concentrated on feeling Taehyung’s chest rise and fall slightly.  
“Taehyung, please don’t do this to me! Please?!” The tears he once managed to hold at bay came pouring from his darkened eyes and fell relentlessly onto Taehyung’s neck as he pressed his chin against the younger’s jawline to beckon his pleas in the boy’s ear.  
“Oh God, please!” Jin’s voice rose to an audible yell with every request. He shifted Taehyung in his arms so he could lift his chin and angle his face towards his own. Taehyung’s puffy lips were a dark shade of purple, and his jaw was slack.  
Jin felt panic overwhelming his every thought. 

This shouldn’t be happening. 

This was a young, healthy kid. 

He shouldn’t have to have his family checking to see if he was still breathing.

“Help!” Jin screamed out while still clinging onto Taehyung’s unconscious body. “Please, someone help!” His voice cracked with an outburst of tears flowing profusely. He was crying for the life of the kid he held desperately in his arms.  
“Help! Dear God, help!” He continued screaming, not giving a moment of time to pass without trying to get someone in that room.  
“Taehyungie, please wake up,” he cried uncontrollably as he placed his hand onto Taehyung’s cheek and gave a jarring pat.  
“Please just be okay!”  
The movement of Jin fidgeting, constantly checking Taehyung’s chest for a heartbeat, caused the boy’s hands to fall limply onto Jin’s thigh.  
“No, Taehyungie, please don’t do this to me!” Jin absentmindedly gripped onto Taehyung’s hands and held them back against his chest like they were before, hoping that would somehow make the kid conscious again.  
The eldest moved his hand across the younger male to reposition Taehyung’s face, tilting his chin up with his thin fingers so he could press his lips lovingly against the swollen cheeks, giving Taehyung the driest of kisses. Without breaking skinship, Jin continued leaning in as he cried onto Taehyung’s paling flesh, “I’m begging you! Please! Just wake up!”

Jin heard footsteps slapping violently against the hardwood floor, just before the door burst open, revealing his savior to be, none other, than the leader of the group.  
He was, once again, the responsible one to take on a task much more mature than he should have been subjected to during his young age.  
Namjoon ran into the bathroom and crouched down next to Jin and Taehyung, careful not to disturb anything as he didn’t know what had happened, yet.

Jin’s chest heaved as he choked on his breath from the falling tears pouring out.  
The sight Namjoon saw was heart wrenching as he watched his hyung grip the lifeless body so tightly against himself, trying to hold onto his last bit of sanity as it was ripped away callously.  
“He won’t wake up!” Jin cried out in frightful terror. He was still clutching Taehyung tightly to his chest, revealing bluish/purple lips on the younger’s open mouth.  
“Here, lay him down,” Namjoon said, attempting not to freak out in front of Jin, even though he could tell the eldest was past the point of composure.  
The leader helped slide Taehyung onto the floor, allowing Jin to pull his leg out from underneath the boy’s limp body. Though Jin didn’t want to release Taehyung from his embrace, he obeyed Namjoon’s commands.  
“Taehyung?” Namjoon called as he tapped the soft cheek of the boy. He tilted Taehyung’s head back to clear his airway and leaned down to his lips to listen for the sound of air movement.  
“He’s still breathing, Jin-Hyung,” Namjoon reassured the eldest, but couldn’t fathom why he wasn’t waking up. His breath had a crackling sound with every slow inhale like sputum was stuck in his airway.  
“Roll him to his side and hold his head, Jin-Hyung,” Namjoon said, even though he was in the process of rolling Taehyung to his side already before he even finished his sentence.  
Jin lifted Taehyung’s head and placed it on his thigh while he continued to rub his back, and down his arm.  
“If he throws up, he won’t choke on it in this position.”  
“He was throwing up and then he passed out!” Jin informed the leader between fits of tears. “I don’t know what happened!”  
Namjoon watched as Jin began rocking back and forth to comfort himself, now gripping back onto Taehyung’s arm and running his hand through the boy’s dark hair, slicking it back against his scalp with sweat.   
The leader pulled out his cellphone and quickly called for an ambulance knowing Jin couldn’t speak English very well in the foreign country, nor did he think Jin could pull himself together to understand what he was saying through the nonstop tears.

While Namjoon was on the phone with the operator and pacing the length of the bathroom, and with Jin whispering crying pleas to Taehyung that was, still, limp in his lap, Min Yoongi stumbled up to the doorway and saw the fiasco unfolding before him. He had heard the screams emanating from Seokjin and came to see what the commotion was about.  
“What happened,” Yoongi asked, running into the bathroom and crouching down next to Jin. He put his hand on Jin’s back, striving for the only act of consoling he could do for his hyung, now.  
Jin cocked his head and cried out to Yoongi, feeling he couldn’t contain anymore composure.  
“He won’t wake up, Yoongi!” A hitch caught in his throat, and more guttural sobs emerged. Jin bowed his head to rest it softly on Taehyung’s shoulder while clasping tightly to the youngest’s cold hand. Yoongi rubbed Jin on the back, and watched Namjoon pace the floor.

Eventually, more members and staff could be heard racing down the hallway to aide in the help. They heard the commotion from the lower levels and came to see what was the matter. Everything became a blur for the members, like life was being played in slow motion.

——————————-

Taehyung rolled his tired eyes and weakly blinked in the bright fluorescent light enveloping him from above. His body felt heavy and he attempted to raise his hand to rub his puffy eyelids, but was met with resistance.  
“Taehyung-Ah, don’t move your arm.”  
Taehyung turned towards the monotoned voice, but still couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes without feeling the light burning his retinas.

He smacked his chapped lips and felt an acidic desert at the back of his throat, making him want to cough the arid dryness away.  
He cleared his throat trying to bring up some moisture when he felt cold fingers wrap around his hand.  
“How are you feeling?”  
He heard the low voice again, but still was struggling to open his eyes. He felt overly exhausted, and his head was dizzy with painful confusion.  
“Taehyung-ssi?” He heard the voice repeating itself.   
The dazed male allowed the blinding light to break through the darkness as he slowly winked the salty slits apart.  
Once his eyes adjusted after a moment, he saw Yoongi sitting by the edge of the white bed, wrapping his small, pale hand over Taehyung’s tanned fingers. He noticed his Hyung had puffy, red eyes like he may have been crying just before he coming into clarity.  
Taehyung poked his tongue through his parted lips to try to moisten them before speaking.  
With a hoarseness in his throat, he managed to croak out a sentence to his elder, “where am I?” He was surprised by the gravely deepness that he heard come out of his own mouth.  
Yoongi moved to scratch his nails softly against the skin of Taehyung’s arm as he spoke, “you’re in a hospital.”  
Taehyung’s confusion doubled as he didn’t remember anything that had happened after finishing dinner once the pain struck him.  
Yoongi continued to speak, “you passed out in the bathroom and Jin-hyung found you.”

After a moments pause, Yoongi asked, “you don’t remember anything?”  
Taehyung sullenly shook his head. Why didn’t he remember anything?  
“What’s happening? Where is everyone?” Taehyung started questioning in a slow, softer volume to erase the pain he felt when he tried to forcefully speak.  
“They drew your blood, and took you away for a chest X-ray and a CT Scan when you first came in. You have an IV in your hand since you were dehydrated, and they gave you a steroid shot. You were receiving oxygen, but they took that out about an hour ago when you went back for one of the tests.  
“And the others are in the waiting area since you can only have one person back here at a time. Namjoon was here to talk to the doctors, but he went to tell the others after you were done with your tests. ......And now, I’m here since I’m the best at sitting.”  
Taehyung stared at Yoongi during his monologue, and gave a weak smirk at his hyung’s attempt at a joke.  
He turned his hand upwards and held his palm out with his fingers spread. Yoongi reached out and interlaced his fingers with the younger member.  
Taehyung’s voice cracked as a hitch in his throat caught when tears suddenly trickled down his cheeks.  
“I’m sorry, Hyung!” Taehyung bellowed hesitantly. After seeing the redness around Yoongi’s eyes, and knowing the members were all worrying in the waiting area, Taehyung felt ashamed. He gripped tightly onto yoongi’s hand, nearly constricting the blood flow from their fingers.  
“No, Taehyung,” Yoongi stated. “There’s no reason to apologize. Things just happen that we can’t control sometimes, and this is one of them.”  
Taehyung bit his lip trying to stifle his tears, but he couldn’t help feeling like the weakest member and undeserving of what he’s received.  
“Taehyung-ssi, look at me,” Yoongi sternly demanded.  
Taehyung tilted his head to look at Yoongi whom was looking at their balled up fists laying on the bedsheet. The elder placed his second hand on top of Taehyung’s and rubbed the skin with his thumb.  
“Nothing is your fault,” Yoongi spoke softly, but firmly to the younger. “The people out there only care about your health right now. They don’t care about filming, they don’t care about schedules, they don’t think being here is a waste of time....they only care about you. So when they come back here, I don’t want you to apologize to them. They know you didn’t do this on purpose. I don’t want you to feel guilt over this, or blame yourself. It’s just an event that has already happened and there’s nothing we can do to change it; we just have to accept it for what it is and continue moving forward. Do you hear me?”  
Taehyung hesitated, not wanting to admit Yoongi was right. He felt this was his fault, some how, but he couldn’t say that to his hyung’s face.  
“Taehyung-ssi?” Yoongi called, still waiting for acknowledgement from the younger.  
Taehyung could feel the moisture of tears fall and run down his cheeks, creating a coolness as the air nipped to evaporate them from taking up residence.   
He turned away and felt the frustration and embarrassment overwhelm his emotions.  
Yoongi released Taehyung’s hand, causing the younger’s heart to drop. He thought Yoongi was upset with him and making a point to walk out. But he watched Yoongi stand to grab a tissue from the counter and returned to lovingly wipe the hot tears staining Taehyung’s sunken cheeks.

After battling depression his whole life, Yoongi was always very careful to notice if the other members exhibited behaviors of the illness since he didn’t want them to experience the same sadness he once struggled with. He also knew that simply telling Taehyung nothing was his fault, wouldn’t be sufficient enough to keep the internal demons at bay that were plaguing the boy’s mind.

“Here, move over,” Yoongi said as he began scooting his small frame next to Taehyung. “I’ve been wanting to lie down this whole time.”  
Yoongi leaned back against the raised bed and placed his arm around Taehyung’s neck, pulling him lightly into a side hug.  
Taehyung went to roll into Yoongi, but felt the IV pull in his hand, hindering his movement slightly.

“Have you been feeling sick?” Yoongi began interrogating, noticing that Taehyung’s crying had stifled into audible sniffles.  
“I’ve been feeling fine, Hyung,” Taehyung reassured him.  
“Don’t lie to me, Taehyung-ssi. I’m not going to feel better just because you’re hiding information from me.”  
Yoongi was talented at making sure he heard the truth when he asked personal questions. He was relentless when it came to opening up about painful emotions.  
“Have you felt sick?” Yoongi questioned a second time.  
Taehyung didn’t audibly respond, but Yoongi felt the pressure of the boy’s head nod against his shoulder as confirmation.  
“Why didn’t you tell anybody?”  
Taehyung, again, kept silent and just shrugged his shoulders, like a child about to be reprimanded for his actions.  
Yoongi sighed before continuing, “how often?”  
Taehyung’s voice was soft and slightly muffled, but he answered the question.  
“Off and on since that practice.”  
Yoongi knew he was talking about the practice that was cancelled just before their comeback. He guessed with the comeback approaching, Taehyung didn’t want to worry anybody further about his illness, so he hid it from the others as best he could.  
Yoongi tilted his head to rest it against Taehyung’s hair before asking another question.  
“What does it feel like?” He asked, this time in a softer voice filled with curiosity.  
“It feels like I’m being stabbed in my stomach and then I can’t breathe,” Taehyung opened up. He took a moment to wipe his eyes and nose and then repositioned his head back against Yoongi’s shoulder.  
“When it happens during practice, I can’t catch my breath and I get really dizzy.”  
Yoongi listened to Taehyung describe the pain while he softly rubbed his thumb across the boy’s fingers that were nestled on his thigh.  
“Sometimes it stops within a half hour....other times it doesn’t stop hurting until I wake up the next morning.”  
“Once a week? Once a day? How frequently?”  
“It’s been happening more often, but I can handle it-“  
“Taehyung-Ah,” Yoongi interrupted. “If you’re feeling sick, you should tell us. This is serious, now. Don’t let this go, and don’t try to hide it from us.”  
Taehyung felt scolded and didn’t know what to say to Yoongi anymore. He wanted to apologize, but remembered what Yoongi had told him. So he quietly sat, resting his head on his Hyung’s shoulder. He wanted to figure out how to get better on his own, and tried to think of what was triggering his upset stomach. He was fine the entire day they were filming Run BTS, but became ill suddenly immediately after dinner.

Was it the food making him sick? 

He did notice a trend with feeling sick after eating, now that he thought back to every instance.

Was he developing an allergy to something?

——————————-

Yoongi sat in silence with Taehyung, not knowing what to say to the young member.  
Feeling relieved that he was no longer holding onto that secret, Taehyung’s mind felt at ease and he felt his eyelids becoming heavy with sleep.  
With a sudden twitch in his hand against the elder’s thigh, Yoongi could tell Taehyung was starting to fall asleep. He decided to take advantage of occupying the same hospital bed, and catch up on some much needed rest for himself while they waited for the results from the plethora of tests.

The two members stayed intertwined until a doctor entered the room with a pleasant knock.  
“Excuse me, we have Mr. Kim’s results,” the doctor announced, causing Yoongi to stir awake from his restful state.  
“Ah, one minute,” Yoongi said in English to the foreign doctor as he slid off the bed, “need translator.”  
He quickly walked out towards the waiting area to retrieve Namjoon for the English conversation, even though the doctor stated earlier they had translators onsite for them.   
Namjoon quickly got up from his seat amongst the other members and hurried back towards Taehyung’s room.

“Hello, sir,” Namjoon said offering a handshake to the doctor. “I’m his brother and interpreter.”  
The doctor kindly shook Namjoon’s hand and opened up the file he held in his hands.  
“Mr. Kim’s chest X-ray showed signs of foreign growth in his lungs, and with his fever at 102 degrees, he’s battling an infection.”  
Namjoon listened carefully to what the doctor had to say while Taehyung didn’t understand any of the medical jargon being spoken in English. He watched to see if Namjoon’s reaction to the results could be interpreted as bad news, but the elder had a stone cold, poker face expression, giving Taehyung no cues as to what could be going on with his health.  
The doctor continued, “it’s called aspiration pneumonia. That’s why his skin turned blue since he wasn’t getting enough oxygen necessary in his blood supply. Perhaps when he was throwing up last night, he inhaled some of the stomach contents into his airway, causing the bacteria to infect the lungs. In serious cases, it only takes a matter of hours for the bacteria to grow.”  
Namjoon nodded at the doctor. It had been several hours since Taehyung went to his room after dinner, just before Jin found him vomiting in the bathroom. And with so many tests, it was now early the next morning at the hospital.  
“We gave him a steroid shot for his lungs, and that should help strengthen his immune system. We’ll give him a prescription for antibiotics that he’ll need to take for two weeks to get rid of the infection.”  
“What caused him to become sick?” Namjoon asked, wondering about the main cause that started all this.  
“It was probably something he ate. I can give you a referral to a gastroenterologist where they can do more outpatient tests, but the ER isn’t equipped to run those tests.”

Namjoon felt slightly defeated without getting an answer as to what was making Taehyung ill, but he accepted the results and thanked the doctor.  
The doctor left the room, and Namjoon turned to face Taehyung, not wanting to tell him that they didn’t find the cause that was making him initially sick. With big, dark eyes staring up at him, Namjoon could tell Taehyung was scared.  
The leader pulled a chair close next to the bed and reached out to hold Taehyung’s hand.  
“He said it’s an infection in your lungs. You’ll have to take antibiotics for two weeks, but that should clear everything up.”  
Taehyung nodded his head that he understood, but he could tell Namjoon seemed bothered by the results, like he wasn’t telling him all of the details.  
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Taehyung sheepishly asked with concern in his voice.  
Namjoon rubbed his hand over his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He sighed an odious response, “they don’t know why you got sick to begin with.”  
Taehyung just stared innocently at Namjoon waiting for him to elaborate.  
“They’re gonna refer you to another doctor that can test for that, but...” Namjoon trailed off, unsure of how to explain this to the younger.  
“We’re not going to be in New York much longer, and then we’re going to fly to another state. We’ll have to cancel the show in Texas to do the testing and get-“  
“NO!” Taehyung shouted in a panic as he jolted unyielding in the bed, nearly ripping the IV from his hand. “We can’t cancel the concert!”  
Namjoon stood up and placed his hands on Taehyung’s shoulders to guide him back down onto the bed to continue resting safely.  
“I know you don’t want to, but we should get the tests done.”  
“No! Please Hyung! I’m fine! I promise! I’m fine!” Taehyung shouted with tears in his eyes as he wrapped his slender fingers around Namjoon’s arms, gripping tight. Even with injuries, they had never cancelled a concert. The fans meant too much to them.  
“Shh, Taehyungie stop,” Namjoon ordered, noticing a small speck of blood coming out from under the piece of tape securing the IV to Taehyung’s hand.  
“Please, Hyung? I swear, I’m okay!” Taehyung’s voice was breaking and tears of regret started welling in his eyes. He hung his head and sobbed in defeat. He covered his face with his hands causing a steady trickle of blood to seep from the wound.  
“Taehyung-ssi,” Namjoon said, grabbing for the boy’s hand with the IV. He held the thin hand so it was above Taehyung’s heart for the bleeding to slow down while he waited for him to calm down and not let his adrenaline pump the blood out more.  
“Listen to me, Taehyung,” Namjoon consoled in a quieter tone now, “when you get discharged from here, we’ll see if we can visit the specialist for a consultation and ask if he can make a recommendation for someone in Texas since we’ll be there for about two weeks.”  
“No, Hyung, I’ll be fine-“  
“Taehyung, stop,” Namjoon interrupted. “I know you’re scared, and I know you’re worried about the concert and ARMY.....”  
He paused for a moment, planning out his next sentence carefully.  
“If I don’t force you to get help now, and you get sick again... I’ll never forgive myself.”

Namjoon sat back down onto the chair, releasing Taehyung’s hand to fall into his lap. The bleeding had hindered and clotted into a rusted red patch under the tape.  
Namjoon placed his hand onto Taehyung’s thigh and rubbed the boy’s tensed muscle through the bed sheet.  
“I can’t erase that image from my mind, Taehyungie,” Namjoon quietly spoke, looking at his massaging hand, almost in a trance as he pictured the moment he found Taehyung and Jin in the bathroom.  
“I heard Jin screaming.... it was a terrible sound. And when I opened the door...” he trailed off as he suppressed his emotions and regained his indestructible composure.  
“I opened the door, and Jin was holding you.” He shook his head with great sadness and allowed a single tear to roll down his cheek as he painfully squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn’t often the other members witnessed Namjoon cry, and when he did, it was for serious reasons.  
“I thought you were dead, Taehyung,” Namjoon whispered as he looked him in the eyes. He had never seen Namjoon look this way; a mix of complete anguish and a frightening sorrow.  
Namjoon curled his lips as he released more tears with the confession, “you were so blue, and lifeless... That image will forever haunt me. And I never want to see that again.”  
Taehyung had tears of his own descending and he reached out to curl his fingers around Namjoon’s hand. He remembered what Yoongi said, but he didn’t know what else to say.  
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Hyung!” Taehyung uttered just before bursting into tears at the realization of how much pain he brought on to the other members. He had no recollection of the whole evening up until a moment ago.

Namjoon quickly stood and leaned across the bed to wrap Taehyung in his arms. Taehyung reciprocated the hug, tugging onto the IV, and buried his head into Namjoon’s broad chest. He could hear the rapid heartbeat of his Hyung, and felt great remorse for what he put him through.  
Namjoon quietly whispered as he held Taehyung tightly in his arms, “I’m making the decision as leader to get those tests done. You’re life is more important than concerts at this point.”


	5. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Taehyung removed his hoodie to put on the hospital gown, Namjoon reached out and grabbed the younger’s arm to halt his movements.  
> “Come here for a second,” Namjoon commanded as his face contorted in mystery while he pulled Taehyung closer. The boy was standing in between Namjoon’s spread legs as the elder grabbed onto Taehyung’s sides and angled his torso slightly to get a better look at his soft flesh.  
> Namjoon rubbed two fingers across Taehyung’s stomach where he noticed a dark, round, scaly patch, a little below his ribs, on the right side.  
> “What’s this?” Namjoon asked, wondering if Taehyung had noticed earlier before now.

“Taehyung-ssi.”

The voice broke into Taehyung’s dreams, snapping him out of an uneasy slumber.

“Come on, get dressed.”

Taehyung slowly blinked open his eyes and took in the dark shadows blanketed the room. It was still early before dawn, and the bed headed boy wanted to roll over to finish sleeping.  
Taehyung felt his body being shook from side to side, and looked towards the person disturbing his sleep.  
He saw Hoseok hovering over the edge of the bed, waiting to make sure he awoke in time.  
“Come on, Taehyungie. You gotta get dressed for your appointment,” Hoseok whispered as to not disturb the other member in the room.

The group was now in Texas for this leg of the tour and promotions.  
Upon a recommendation from the gastroenterologist in New York, Taehyung had an appointment with a different doctor in Texas. After the consultation in New York, the specialist ordered an endoscopy, bloodwork, and an ultrasound the day after the members were expected to arrive in The Lone Star State.

The members had a chance to sleep for a few hours before the second youngest had to get up and leave for the appointment. He had fasted the previous day to prepare for the tests scheduled, leaving his empty stomach free from sickness.

Hoseok handed a hoodie and comfortable, loose pants to Taehyung to rush him further along than the snails pace the boy was meandering about.  
Namjoon walked past the door and poked his head past the frame.  
“Hoseok, are you coming?” Namjoon asked his friend in a whisper, attempting to allow Jimin the time to sleep longer without rousing him with his voice.  
“Yeah, I’ll go,” Hoseok said as he took Taehyung’s pajamas from the boy, watching him lazily change his clothes in his dazed stupor.  
“Okay, I’ll be downstairs.” 

Namjoon felt it was necessary for him to go, not only for interpreting, but due to the fact that he was the leader of the group. He felt obligated to keep everything in order, even in personal matters, such as the health of the other members.

Taehyung finished getting ready, and the three members, including a U.S. manager, drove to the outpatient hospital.  
While the manager sat in the waiting area with Hoseok, Namjoon went back to the room with Taehyung, and sat in a chair propped against the wall.  
The nurse took Taehyung’s vitals, and ran over the list of symptoms the hospital received from the New York clinic.  
“The doctor will be in shortly to see you, just remove everything, except your underwear, and put on this gown,” the nurse said before quickly leaving the room to tend to the next patient.

As Taehyung removed his hoodie to put on the hospital gown, Namjoon reached out and grabbed the younger’s arm to halt his movements.  
“Come here for a second,” Namjoon commanded as his face contorted in mystery while he pulled Taehyung closer. The boy was standing in between Namjoon’s spread legs as the elder grabbed onto Taehyung’s sides and angled his torso slightly to get a better look at his soft flesh.  
Namjoon rubbed two fingers across Taehyung’s stomach where he noticed a dark, round, scaly patch, a little below his ribs, on the right side.  
“What’s this?” Namjoon asked, wondering if Taehyung had noticed earlier before now.  
“I don’t know,” Taehyung answered, unsure of when the mark even appeared.  
“You have a smaller one here,” Namjoon pointed a little lower at a second scaly patch, running his fingertips across the soft skin and sending shivers up Taehyung’s spine from the slight tickling sensation.  
He twisted Taehyung’s hips and guided him to turn more so he could follow the path of dark circles to his back.  
“You have two more faded ones on your back too,” Namjoon said, insisting on rubbing each spot meticulously, like they would somehow rub away as if they were a smudge of dirt.  
Taehyung shifted to see if Namjoon was still checking out his skin for more spots. “The doctor will be in,” he mentioned so he could dress himself from the cold room.  
Namjoon released the younger boy so he could finish dressing into the hospital gown, but was still concerned on the appearance of the mystery blemishes.  
“Do they itch or anything?” Namjoon asked as he watched taehyung finish changing.  
“No, not really. I didn’t even know they were there.”

The doctor entered the room and asked multiple questions to Namjoon about Taehyung, despite being faxed a report from the New York location with a brief rundown of his symptoms, along with the ordered tests.  
“The nurses will start an IV and get you prepped for the ultrasound first,” the doctor instructed, “we’ll draw some blood, and then you’ll get prepped for the endoscope next. Should only take about an hour for everything. Sound okay?”  
Namjoon confirmed with a nod, and watched the doctor exit the room.  
“You’re going to get an IV, then an ultrasound, and then the scope,” Namjoon interpreted for his young dongsaeng.  
“Are you staying with me?” Taehyung asked with large eyes.  
Namjoon saw that Taehyung was scared and not wanting to go through the testing alone.  
“I’m not sure,” Namjoon hesitated.  
“I don’t know if they’ll need to talk to you for anything, or if I’ll sit in the waiting area with Hobi.”

Taehyung exhaled a sigh, wishing to just go back to the hotel and work on preparations for the concert instead of waiting for tests to be administered. His regrets and overwhelming guilt of his failing health wreaked havoc on his mental health during this portion of the group’s comeback. He was quickly falling into a depression, not knowing what to do to make things up to his fellow members.

Namjoon reached out and entwined his fingers with Taehyung’s. He could feel the younger’s hand slightly trembling within his grip.  
“It’ll be okay, Taehyungie.”  
Taehyung nodded slightly in agreement, but he felt the burning sensation in his nose as tears aches for a release; he was feeling a weight far too heavy to burden the others with, but he couldn’t withstand everything on his own anymore.  
Namjoon didn’t say anything. He saw Taehyung fighting back the tears, but accepted the fact that the kid was scared. If he wanted to cry, he wouldn’t have told him to stop.

The nurse entered the room and proceeded to give Taehyung his IV and draw several vials of blood.  
“Will he need anything interpreted during the tests,” Namjoon asked politely to the nurse.  
“For the ultrasound, the technician will ask him to hold his breath at certain moments, and to roll onto his side, but he’ll be asleep during the endoscopy.”  
Namjoon confirmed with a nod and voiced a thank you to the nurse before she left the room again.   
Taehyung looked wearily towards Namjoon with hope in his heart that he’d be with him for the tests. He was fine being on his own, normally, since he considered everyone a friend, but when it came to his health and procedures, he became very uneasy and riddled with anxious thoughts.  
“I’ll be there for your ultrasound, but you’ll be asleep for the other test,” Namjoon said as he patted the top of Taehyung’s hand. He could still feel the faint vibrations every time he touched the tan skin of the younger, but he knew this was for the best.

Taehyung was wheeled back to the room where the ultrasound technician was stationed. They provided a chair next to the bed for Namjoon to sit in, and the technician took her seat on the opposite side where the computer was stationed.  
She placed a folded towel on the bed, pulling down the blanket a little to uncover Taehyung’s abdomen, and then moved to lift the gown to expose his skin.  
Namjoon felt Taehyung grip his hand when his skin was exposed, but he just sat patiently, rubbing his thumb across the back of his hand. He knew he was frightened to go into the endoscopy alone after this, so he attempted to comfort Taehyung as best he could without interfering with the technician performing the test.  
“This should be warm,” the tech said as she squirted a heated gel onto Taehyung’s abdomen.  
She applied the wand that was picking up the images of his organs, and pressed assertively to display them on the screen in front of her. She clicked keys every so often, then moved the wand around to a new part of his stomach.  
“Deep breath and hold when you’re ready,” the tech said.  
Namjoon repeated the interpretation for Taehyung to follow.  
After a few minutes, the tech had him roll onto his left side so she could look at the right portion of his upper abdomen. He clutched onto Namjoon’s hand with unsettling anticipation that this test was nearly over and he’d soon be alone for his second procedure.  
Namjoon didn’t react much while the hospital staff was around to keep from embarrassing Taehyung, but he really just wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be okay once the tests were over and they received the results.

As the tech wiped the excess gel off Taehyung’s stomach, she told Namjoon they were done with the imaging, and that he’d be wheeled straight back into the gastroenterology department to get his endoscopy done; meaning Namjoon could return to the waiting room for the duration of the procedure.  
“They’re gonna take you back for your final test, now, so I’m going out to sit with Hobi and PD-nim,” Namjoon explained to Taehyung as they waited alone in the ultrasound lab for a nurse to come move the bed to a different room.  
“It’ll be okay, we’re almost done,” he continued when he watched Taehyung release a nervous exhale.  
Namjoon stood up and ruffled his hand through Taehyung’s colored hair before giving it a loving pat.

The same nurse that wheeled Taehyung’s bed earlier, arrived to move him a second time to the new location.  
Namjoon was pointed towards the waiting area, and the nurse began her rapid pace to hurry the patient along.  
As the running nurse locked the bed in place next to a new piece of medical equipment, Taehyung watched a different nurse moving tools around to prep him for his procedure.  
She explained something to him, but Taehyung couldn’t wrap his head around what she was saying.  
She inserted a needle with a discolored liquid into his IV port and explained he would begin feeling relaxed. Taehyung picked up on the words ‘go to sleep’, and he guessed that was the anesthesia from his own interpretation.  
She wrapped a plastic tube over his ears and under his nose to provide fresh oxygen during the procedure.  
While he watched the nurse attach things and lay out tools, the doctor came to Taehyung’s bedside and spoke.  
Taehyung could normally understand English when the terminology dealt with music or ordering food, but he was stupefied with everything that was going on now. Couple that with the anesthetic running through his system and making him drowsy, and Taehyung was lost for any conversational appeal.

The doctor brought a plastic porthole towards Taehyung and motioned for him to open his mouth so he could secure the mouthpiece in place.  
Taehyung could feel his eyes getting heavy as he listened to the doctor’s voice counting down.

—————————

“Is he awake, yet?” A hazy voice blurred through Taehyung’s peaceful dream.

“Mr, Kim?”

.....

“Taehyung-ssi?”

Taehyung awoke startled with the eerie surrounding scenery seeping into his mind. He saw the doctor at the foot of his bed, and Namjoon standing to his left. He was in an open room with curtains dividing hospital beds for patients waking from similar procedures.   
“How are you feeling?” The doctor asked Taehyung.  
“Okay,” Taehyung drowsily responded in English. Even though he woke up quickly, he could still feel the undisputed urge to close his eyes and sleep off the lingering anesthesia.  
The doctor gave a despairing sigh before voicing his diagnoses, “I looked at your stomach and small intestines, but didn’t see any ulcers like I suspected. So I took a biopsy of the lining to test for H. Pylori, and check the villi for celiac disease.   
“Ummm, I did see an indent on your stomach, which was peculiar, so I went back and checked your CT Scan you had performed in New York, but I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary there. So I’m not sure what that is; just how your organs look, I guess.” The doctor said with a lack of professionalism on his part.

The doctor continued speaking without a break, giving no time for Namjoon to interpret the diagnosis to his dongsaeng. He diligently continued to listen carefully to the details the doctor had to explain.

“We did an ultrasound of your biliary tract, and found some benign masses in your gallbladder, so I’m going to order you to follow up with an ultrasound every six months to see if the masses change size.   
“Uhh, if they grow to measure 10 millimeters, we’ll go ahead and proceed with surgery to remove your gallbladder to avoid the possibility of them becoming malignant.”  
Namjoon followed every word the doctor had to say, but was disappointed they didn’t have an exact cause for Taehyung’s sudden illness, but rather, guesses on what it possibly could be.

“Until the results come back for the bloodwork, and the biopsy, I can write a prescription for Zofran for the nausea, and an acid blocker. I’ll also discharge you with a diet plan for ulcer care. It has a list of bland foods that won’t cause any acid build up. The usual....umm, small meals, eat throughout the day...” the doctor continued reading ad nauseam the list of details for the diet Taehyung was meant to follow.  
“Right now, I’m going to write a diagnosis of non peptic ulcer dyspepsia. That means you exhibit symptoms of having an ulcer....without actually having an ulcer. Other than waiting for the other results, that’s about it for today.”  
“Thank you, sir,” Namjoon said as he took the folder filled with copies of diagnoses, prescriptions, diet plan, and images of Taehyung’s endoscopy.  
“I want to see you back in a week when I get the results of the biopsy, and then we’ll decide a plan of action from there, okay?” 

Namjoon wasn’t concerned with the tour schedule since they were set to be in Texas for the next two weeks anyway. They’d be able to schedule his next appointment early before any events, especially since their tour dates and promotions were already scheduled for midday or the evening.  
“Yes, thank you,” Namjoon said as he reached out to shake the doctor’s hand for his services.  
The doctor shook hands with both members and left the room abruptly to see the next patient and continue his rounds.

Taehyung heard the doctor, but couldn’t decipher anything he was saying, and was lulled back to a doze during the conversation, assuming Namjoon would take care of everything like the leader and father figure he had developed into.  
“Taehyung-Ah,” Namjoon called as he shook Taehyung’s arm to wake him up.  
Taehyung woke up a second time to see he was still in the unforgiving hospital.  
“Come on, get dressed,” Namjoon said as he laid Taehyung’s outfit on the bed. “I got your discharge papers here, so we can leave now.”  
Taehyung slowly sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.  
“How are you feeling?” Namjoon asked as he unfolded the shirt to usher him along. He moved to Taehyung’s back to begin untying the strings of his gown.  
“I’m just tired,” Taehyung spoke in a groggy tone. For once, he actually wasn’t feeling nauseous.   
“We can go back to the hotel and sleep for awhile.” Namjoon stated while disrobing Taehyung to help him put his arms and head through the shirt before moving to unfold the pants.  
“Here, kick your legs over,” Namjoon instructed, holding the pair of pants out.  
Taehyung slowly twisted in the bed, pulling the sheet open from it’s cocoon like state, which encompassed his slender legs. He placed his feet at the waist band and Namjoon pulled them up to his thighs.  
“Up,” Namjoon instructed.  
Taehyung stood barefoot on the cold hospital floor and held onto Namjoon’s shoulders while the elder pulled his pants up the rest of the way, tying the drawstring to fit his thin frame.  
“You ready?” Namjoon asked, grabbing the discharge folder and looping his arm around Taehyung’s waist to help him walk out to the awaiting vehicle that Hoseok and the manager had brought around to the patient pickup.  
Taehyung leaned his weight onto Namjoon for stability, not wanting to rely on his own strength to walk out of the hospital safely without faltering. He felt alarmingly tired from the busy comeback schedule, plus, adding the anesthesia on top of everything, he was ready to pass out for a good several hours once back at the hotel.

The two members approached the rental car and Namjoon helped guide Taehyung into the backseat where Hoseok was awaiting his young dongsaeng.  
“Taehyungie, how are you?” Hoseok asked in a more gleeful tone than what he expressed earlier that morning, pulling playfully onto Taehyung’s shirt and ruffling his hair in a gentle way.  
Taehyung groaned groggily for a response as he crawled to the middle and leaned his weight against his caring Hyung.  
Namjoon settled in the front passenger seat, and the manager began the drive back to the hotel.

“What’d they say?” Hoseok asked his friend, curious about the results. He had his arm gripped around Taehyung’s shoulder, slightly propping him up so his head didn’t jerk painfully during the winding turns on the route.  
“They’re waiting on two tests to come back, but so far they’ve just said he has symptoms of an ulcer without actually having an ulcer. He’ll have to follow a strict diet for awhile and take medicine until his next appointment.”  
“That doesn’t sound too bad, I guess,” Hoseok fathomed a silver lining to the misery.  
Namjoon, however, didn’t like the results they received. He didn’t believe something relatively minor could be the answer to why Taehyung developed an illness so suddenly, and lasted for such a ruthless duration. He suspected something more was hidden than just symptoms of an ulcer.

—————————-

The group arrived back at the hotel after getting stuck in traffic for over a half hour, giving the members a chance to nod off for the remainder of the trip.  
The manager awoke everyone when they arrived at the hotel, and soon, dispersed separate ways down opposite ends of the hall to their individual rooms.  
Taehyung was more awake and walking just fine on his own, now. He awoke sometime on the freeway and listened to the sound of Namjoon’s slight snoring, and the manager’s GPS announcing directions towards the hotel. He overheard his Hyung delivering the diagnosis to the other occupants in the vehicle, but he didn’t think the results sounded so bad. Notably with him feeling steady in his illness at the moment, he thought things were beginning to level out.

As he watched the members fret constantly over him the past week, he began to feel like a nuisance to the group. He was frustrated with his weakness and didn’t want to be the cause of stress, especially during the comeback promotions.   
He was actually feeling fine, and wasn’t experiencing any nausea for the first time in a long while. He didn’t know if it was because his stomach was empty from the fasting for the tests, or if he received something that was supposed to help him with the illness during his stay. He never asked Namjoon directly for his results, other than what he overheard in the car. However, the way his Hyung delivered the message made him think there may have been more to it than Namjoon admitted to the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daily uploads happening this week to get this story moving closer to the main event.


	6. Euphoria (EXPLICIT)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimin reached out and cupped Taehyung’s warm skin. He lovingly caressed the skin under Taehyung’s sharp jawline with his thumb, and moved his fingers to the nape of his neck.  
> Taehyung deeply inhaled with a slight moan at the intimate sensation he was feeling as Jimin’s hands danced across his skin, sending currents of euphoria throughout his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is greatly different than the one I posted two years ago. I had toned it down heavily after receiving scrutiny for the subject matter, which I regret doing.  
> So this chapter is now updated to the way I originally wrote it four years ago, before altering it.

Taehyung arrived back at the hotel with the two other members, and navigated his way up to the room he was sharing with Jimin.  
He saw his friend laying on the bed playing a video game with his handheld system, still comfortable in his sleepwear. It seemed he rarely slept anymore, yet always had enough energy to go around. But this time, Jimin was unable to go back to sleep once Taehyung left the bed for his appointment. He was curious for the results to the tests, and his restless mind wouldn’t quiet down long enough for him to fall back asleep without his friend.

When Jimin noticed Taehyung standing in the doorway, he laid down his game and offered a heartfelt smile, beckoning for Taehyung to come lay down in the bed they had been sharing.  
“How did it go?” Jimin asked with curiosity lingering in his voice.  
“They didn’t find anything; I’m okay,” Taehyung falsely explained, as he kicked off his socks and crawled under the covers next to his friend.  
“Nothing?” Jimin asked perplexed, wrapping an arm around his bedmate.  
“Just that it feels like I have an ulcer without actually having one,” Taehyung elaborated.  
“Well, what does that mean?” Jimin asked, still confused on the diagnosis.  
“I just have to take medicine so I don’t get sick. But other than that, I’m fine.”  
Jimin squinted in disbelief feeling his friend was omitting some important details for some reason he was unsure of.  
Jimin felt hurt that his friend may have been withholding information from him, but he didn’t want to call him out on the matter in case Taehyung was just tired and wanted to go back to sleep for a bit without diving into a deep conversation. He had planned to ask him later in the day in hopes he’d open up to him like normal after he got some rest.

Taehyung twisted under the covers so his back was facing Jimin, now. This led Jimin to scoot forward and press the entire length of his body against Taehyung’s, snaking his arm across his friend’s side until his hand rested firmly against his soft tummy.  
He pressed his pillowy lips against Taehyung’s tan neck and breathed his scent in with a deep inhale. His slow, long exhale caused Taehyung to flinch from the tickling sensation and he turned slightly to peer at Jimin with his peripherals.  
“You gave me goosebumps,” Taehyung said with a flash of his square smile as he held up his arm, pulling up his sleeve to show his friend his raised goose flesh.  
Jimin reached out and curled his small hand around Taehyung’s and pressed it back against his friend’s chest. He squeezed him tightly and breathed heavily again against Taehyung’s neck, cutting off his exhale with a chortled laugh as he watched him flinch away again.  
“Jimin-ssi!” Taehyung whined with his boxy grin.  
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” Jimin said while pressing his face back against the pillow, pinning some of Taehyung’s hair under the weight of his sleepless head. He leaned his face against Taehyung’s scalp and ran a finger against the skin on his friend’s tan arm.   
Taehyung opened his hand and Jimin tangled his fingers to intertwine them together.   
With the arm that Taehyung was laying on, wedged underneath his neck, Jimin reached it across to press it profoundly against Taehyung’s chest, nearly looping his hand into his armpit. He gave a slight squeeze and felt Taehyung flinch again.  
“Stop tickling,” Taehyung laughed as he lazily wriggled his torso from Jimin’s grip.  
Jimin laughed and hugged his friend.  
“Taehyungie, are you sure you’re feeling better?”   
“I am,” Taehyung began. “I don’t feel sick today.”  
When Jimin didn’t say anything more, Taehyung craned his neck to try to look at his friend.  
“Why?”  
Jimin raised up onto his elbow and was now looming over Taehyung, whom had rolled to lay on his back. Jimin gave a pat with his free hand against Taehyung’s chest and then moved to slowly glide it down and rest it over his stomach once again.  
“I just want to make sure you’re okay. I care about you, and I want you to get better.”  
Jimin held his hand on the spot where he remembered Taehyung clutching in pain during his acute attack over a month ago.  
Taehyung placed his hand on top of Jimin’s and moved to wiggle his other fingers on the underside of his friend’s chin in a playful manner.  
“I promise, I feel fine,” Taehyung clarified.  
“Here,” Taehyung said as he held his arms open.  
Jimin leaned in and curled into Taehyung’s side with his face sunk into the crook of his neck. Taehyung held onto Jimin’s small frame and pressed his cheek onto the top of his friend’s head, letting the wisps of baby hairs tickle his sensitive skin.

After awhile, the two settled into each other’s comfort when Taehyung suddenly blurted out, “am I a nuisance?”  
“No, Taehyungie,” Jimin quickly dismissed with great dejection. “Why would you ask that?”  
“I get the feeling I’m just a burden to the group during our promotions since becoming ill. The hyungs have to keep pausing everything to go with me to appointments, or help me catch up on rehearsals. I’m starting to feel bad about everything and I don’t know how to make it up to them for all that they’re doing for me.”  
“Taehyungie, they’re going with you because they’re worried about you, not because they have to. We love you so much, and we just want you back to being healthy. You’re not a burden. We all want to go to your appointments with you, but all seven of us together would just get in the way and we would get noticed by the public. And to keep from worrying ARMY, we don’t want to draw any attention to your hospital visits.”  
“I know....you’re right,” Taehyung sighed in agreement with his friend. He didn’t think anyone would tell him truthfully if he was becoming a burden, but he wanted to voice his opinion to his best friend of how he was feeling lately with his illness. The pressure to perform while slowly dying inside was beginning to eat away at his psyche.  
“Taehyungie,” Jimin called out quietly, but he couldn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t know what to say that would bring his friend out of his fretful worries.  
Jimin reached out and cupped Taehyung’s warm skin. He lovingly caressed the skin under Taehyung’s sharp jawline with his thumb, and moved his fingers to the nape of his neck.  
Taehyung deeply inhaled with a slight moan at the intimate sensation he was feeling as Jimin’s hands danced across his skin, sending currents of euphoria throughout his body.  
“사랑해,” Jimin whispered as he pressed his pursed lips against Taehyung’s quivering throat. Taehyung cocked his head back, allowing his friend to decorate the tender flesh of his vocal hideaway with moistened kisses from the pillowy pout.  
Jimin could hear Taehyung’s breathing becoming louder as he continued to kiss the sensitive area, letting his tongue nip the salty bite of his skin.  
Taehyung pressed his body closer to Jimin without thinking and rubbed his hands down the back of his friend’s thin shirt. As he reached the hemline, he slipped his hands under the fabric and felt the sudden warmth of Jimin’s skin against his palms. He forced a hand up the groove of Jimin’s spine, massaging the tight muscles as his fingers caressed the smooth skin.  
Jimin ran his fingers through Taehyung’s hair and watched him reel his head back in euphoric lust.   
Taehyung looked back into Jimin’s eyes with a drunken desire that begged to be fed. His hot, breathy pant was stifled when he pressed his lips hard against Jimin’s forehead and gave a long, deep kiss, inhaling heavily the fresh scent of his friend’s colored locks. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jimin’s shoulders, practically smothering his face into his chest.  
“Taehyungie,” Jimin said, pulling down on Taehyung’s arm to release his tight hold around him.   
Jimin held his hand open in between their bodies, and Taehyung moved to interlace his fingers and clutched the newly balled fists against his heart.   
Jimin cautiously glided his leg over Taehyung’s hip so it encapsulated his friend close to his own body. He could feel the pressure of Taehyung’s resting leg between his thighs now, and it stimulated a fiery passion in his groin. He subconsciously ground his hips on Taehyung’s knee as he readjusted where he placed his top leg to resist the grinding sensation further.  
Taehyung watched his friend with his big eyes that were fully awake, and found it cute the way Jimin easily fell into his erotic trances just from the slightest touch.  
Jimin coyly flashed his smile, showing off his slightly crooked front tooth and immediately became shy from his casual thrust against his friend. He recoiled away in embarrassment, before Taehyung shot his arm out to halt his progression away from him.  
“No! Don’t leave,” Taehyung quickly demanded, pulling Jimin back to the same position he had just pulled away from, then moving to press his knee, again, against Jimin’s groin so he could watch his friend roll his eyes back and let his mouth gape in ecstasy as he subconsciously thrust his hips erotically between the fabric of their clothes.  
“I love it when you do that,” Taehyung confessed, pressing his forehead against Jimin’s and biting his lip with anticipation to kiss his soulmate heavily.  
Jimin shyly covered his mouth with his hand and leaned away giggling, “Yah, I can’t help it. It just happens.”  
“I don’t mind. I like seeing you pleasure yourself,” Taehyung breathily whispered.  
Jimin froze his laughter and looked back into Taehyung’s honest eyes. He watched as he blinked slower and saw the double lid over his friend’s tired eyes forming.   
Taehyung nervously poked his tongue out to lick his lips, and moved his hand to grip Jimin’s side under his shirt. He allowed his hand to explore the soft skin, eventually moving to his lower back.  
Jimin breathed heavily with pleasure from the massaging touch digging deep into his aching muscles as Taehyung gripped passionately at his skin.  
“Taehyungie,” Jimin moaned.  
Taehyung relaxed his hand and moved it to Jimin’s upper back, waiting for his friend to speak his mind. He could feel the heat emanating from his friend’s skin and it felt comforting, like his own personal heater to hold.  
“I’ve missed this so much,” Jimin said as he snuggled his face against Taehyung’s neck to allow more sensual kisses to pass from his lips.  
“What do you mean? We do this all the time when there aren’t any cameras.”  
“No, I mean, I’ve missed you.”  
Taehyung leaned back to look at Jimin’s facial expression, breaking the connection away from receiving the hungry kisses.   
He didn’t understand what he meant since everything had seemed the same and he didn’t know what could have changed for his friend, but remained the same to him.  
“But we’ve all been together this past month so much for our comeback, we’ve actually been closer than usual, in my opinion.”  
Jimin gave a brief sigh, unsure of how to word his sentence. “I don’t know what I mean-“  
“What are you trying to say?” Taehyung asked, getting a little annoyed at the accusation that he had changed somehow.  
Jimin was caught off guard with Taehyung’s coarse tone that he wondered if he should back off and forget the conversation just so he could remain in this position that he missed so profoundly.  
“Why are you taking offense, Taehyungie?”  
“I’m not taking offense, I just don’t like when people say I’m changing when I’m not.”  
“I didn’t say that, Taehyung. Why are you getting upset with me?” Jimin asked with stress in his quaking voice that he would lose the closeness to his friend.  
“Because I’m frustrated with everything that’s happening!” Taehyung voiced, allowing the veins in his neck to stand out with force as he became more audible. “I feel sick all of the time, and I’m so stressed I won’t be able to perform during the concerts because the doctors can’t find anything wrong with me! When all I want to do is lay down because I don’t feel good, I have to push forward with lessons, and promotions, and practice! I’m so tired of worrying that I can’t focus on the comeback and I notice more mistakes! Nobody knows what I’m going through, and how I’m constantly feeling sick! I am angry with my health, and I know that doesn’t make sense, but I want to be mad at something!”  
Taehyung had tears welling in his eyes as he let his rant flow out of his mouth. He was finally releasing his pent up frustrations and just said everything that he had been bottling up from the rest of the group.  
“I hate this, Jiminie!” His voice broke with the final sentence as he allowed a sob to break his concentration. Even though it hurt, he felt relief finally admitting to the pain he’s been keeping secret.  
“Please don’t be mad, TaeTae,” Jimin quickly said while he rubbed his hands over Taehyung’s eyes to wipe away the few tears that had fallen. He felt his heart ache as Taehyung divulged his worries to him and expressed the pain he had been carrying by himself.  
Taehyung could feel more tears coming and knew they weren’t going to stop. He pulled Jimin close again and wrapped his arm over him while burying his lips against his hair. At this angle, he knew Jimin couldn’t see his tears fall, and he thought it wouldn’t cause his friend so much grief if he couldn’t see it happening.  
“Taehyungie, why didn’t you tell me you were so sick?” Jimin said in a muffled voice against Taehyung’s sweatshirt sleeve overlaying his lips.  
“What could you do? It would just cause you more worry,” Taehyung said with a diminishing tone.  
“Taehyungie, I’ll always be here to help you carry the burden. If something hurts you, I want to know so I can share the pain. I love you more than I could ever tell you. And even if you don’t express it in words, I can see that something is wrong. So please don’t keep anything like this from me. Okay?”  
Taehyung gave a tearful nod while biting his bottom lip as he heard Jimin’s remark to shoulder the burden in regards to his illness.   
“You’re my soulmate, and I will always feel your pain. I can see it in your movements, and on your face. I can tell when you fake a smile for the cameras, because it’s different than the one you show me when we’re laying together. TaeTae, you’ll never hurt me more than the pain I already feel knowing you’re going through something and I can’t fix it for you. If I could take your illness just to see you happy again, I would do it in a heartbe-“  
“Stop!” Taehyung quickly hushed. “I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody. I wouldn’t know how to take care of you if you woke up feeling this way.”  
Taehyung glided his open palms back against Jimin’s warm skin and arched his neck so he could leave a peck from his dry lips.   
Jimin angled his chin upwards to receive the love from his friend.   
“사랑해.” Jimin said in dialect, placing his open hand against Taehyung’s heart.  
“사랑해.” Taehyung replied back.

Jimin leaned in and pursed his lips, waiting for Taehyung to reciprocate the same gesture.  
He cupped his small hands around Taehyung’s neck and pulled him eagerly in towards his awaiting pout.  
Taehyung poked his tongue out to moisten his blushing lips, but hesitated on withdrawing it back in as Jimin brought his mouth to touch. He pressed his tongue deeper into Jimin’s mouth, feeling his friend’s own tongue begin to massage before playfully sucking at the flicking organ.  
Before Taehyung had a chance to pull back with fireworks firing off in his mind from the erotic kiss, Jimin sensually nibbled Taehyung’s bottom lip that was becoming swollen with pleasure.  
Taehyung moaned as he felt his erection ache for a release from his friend’s sexual arousal.   
Jimin could feel Taehyung’s rod pressing against his leg and it sent shivers up his spine with excited anticipation.  
“Taehyungie,” Jimin moaned breathily as he traced his fingers around the elastic band at the bridge of Taehyung’s hips. He writhed his entire body against his friend, practically begging for his body at this point.  
“I want you so bad, Taehyungie,” Jimin moaned again with desire lingering on every word he exhaled.  
Taehyung placed his lips back against Jimin’s while he lifted his hips to allow his friend to easily pull down his track pants. His erection stiffly bobbed after catching on the waistband as Jimin eagerly pulled the clothing down to free his loins from their restraints.  
Jimin effortlessly shifted his hips up and swiftly pulled his sleep shorts down without a hesitation for foreplay. He had been holding back for weeks while Taehyung was sick and was now feeling he couldn’t hold out for another second from his friend’s magical touch.  
“Please, Taehyungie! I need you now,” Jimin pleaded as he raised his knees and twisted to his back, allowing his fingers to grab at Taehyung’s hips to pull him on top of him.  
Taehyung obeyed the beckoning fingers and crawled on top of his friend, pressing his hands against Jimin’s thighs to help spread his legs more.  
Jimin reached his hand down to stroke Taehyung’s erection that was now dripping fiercely with precum. The slickness covered his fingers as he pumped his fist eagerly, teasing himself in the process as he placed the tip near his entrance to provide lubrication.  
“Oh God, Taehyungie!” Jimin moaned as he cocked his head back in ecstasy as he began pumping his fist even faster. “I want you inside me right now!”  
Taehyung leaned down and locked lips with Jimin and darted his tongue between their teeth to taste the sweet bite of his friend. He left his soulmate to arch his back and moan heavily as he trailed his oscillations down, leaving faint marks on the collarbone while his friend passionately begged for more.  
“Taehyungie, please?! I can’t take it!”  
Jimin was pressing the tip in and grinding his hips vigorously with an undying passion to have his friend insert the entire length of his manhood, but Taehyung kept his hips still and at a distance so he could watch Jimin writhe beneath him and beg for a sweet release.  
“Jiminie?” Taehyung whispered between light kisses.  
Jimin couldn’t respond as he continued to jerk his hand up and down in long strokes on Taehyung’s erection.   
“Tell me that you love me.”  
Taehyung stilled his face in front of Jimin’s, waiting to hear the words he desired most that would send him up the wall.  
“Oh God, Taehyungie! I love you so much!”   
After hearing the words flow melodically in his ears, Taehyung pressed his lips against Jimin’s gasping mouth and thrust his hips forward, allowing his stiff erection to enter halfway into Jimin.  
Jimin gripped his hands against Taehyung’s sides as he broke free from the kiss to arch his back and wrap his legs around Taehyung’s hips, locking him into place.  
Taehyung could feel Jimin tightening strenuously against his throbbing erection, and pulled back some to tease the hole even more.  
“No! Please no! Don’t back out! Jimin begged as he crossed his ankles to keep Taehyung from pulling himself out any further.  
Taehyung enjoyed hearing Jimin beg for sexual acts, and found pleasure in watching him ache for an immediate release.  
“Taehyungie, please?! I can’t take it anymore! I want us to go together,” he pleaded while stroking his fingers lightly against his own erection.  
“I love you, Jiminie,” Taehyung said with a smirk as he thrust his hips and allowed the entire length of his member to plunge deep within Jimin, hitting the spot that sent Jimin reeling.  
Taehyung felt the slickness lubricating them even more, and Jimin flexed his muscles to tighten against his erection once again, sending Taehyung in a dizzying dream of passion.  
The sensation deep inside of Jimin was proving to be too much to hold out.  
“Jiminie! I’m gonna cum!” Taehyung gasped through exhales as he felt a rush of heat flowing towards his throbbing erection.  
Jimin pumped his fist harder on his own erection while he felt Taehyung slamming his cock into him, hitting his sweet spot perfectly to cause an electrifying orgasm throughout his body.  
“Jiminie....” Taehyung ached as he slowed his thrusts and slammed his hips one last time deep into Jimin to fill him with everything he had. He gripped onto Jimin’s thighs as he felt his eyes nearly roll back when his friend tightened as hard as he could while he pumped his fist a few more times before covering his stomach with his own seed.  
Both boys gasped heavily as the smell of sex and sweat lingered in the air.  
Taehyung’s erection softened slightly and he attempted to pull out quickly to avoid the sensitivity of the tip being squeezed by his friend’s flexing muscles. A tease Jimin was well aware of doing at the end of their love making.

Jimin wiped his stomach free of the aftermath and tossed the tissue into the waste basket before laying back down on the bed again.  
Taehyung continued to breathe heavily, but waited for Jimin to finish up before collapsing his entire body on top of his friend.  
Jimin continued to wrap his legs around Taehyung’s hips while softly brushing his fingers through his friend’s colored hair.   
Taehyung’s face snuggled lovingly against Jimin’s chest, allowing him to hear the rhythm of his friend’s beautiful heartbeat sing to him.  
“I really do love you, Taehyungie,” Jimin began as he scratched his fingernails over the skin of his neck and down his back. “You’re the most important thing in my life.”


	7. 전하지 못한 진심 (The Truth Untold)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Taehyung, I need to know!” Namjoon interrupted in a shout. It was rare for him to lose his composure, but he was feeling a significant amount of stress as the leader with everything piling up on top of each other.  
> Taehyung reeled back at the sudden outburst and hung his head down, allowing his bangs to softly fall in front of his eyes. The sharp tone he heard startled him to the point he thought Namjoon was becoming furious with his childish antics.  
> “He wanted to know if there was anything I wanted to say that I thought I couldn’t say in front of you,” Taehyung said quietly, averting his gaze into his lap.  
> “And was there?”

It had been a complete week before Namjoon and Taehyung were preparing for the follow up hospital visit while still in Texas.   
They had performed two days ago at the sold out concert, and Taehyung had seemed to be doing better.

However, his fellow members failed to notice he was skipping meals. After realizing he felt fine after fasting for the procedures at the hospital, he drew the conclusion that food was the reason for his illness. He noticed even a simple jelly snack from Jin would send waves of nausea rolling through his abdomen, forcing him to run to the bathroom to relieve himself of the vile toxins.  
He couldn’t remember his last meal since arriving in Texas, and managed to excuse himself from all meals with the members saying it was due to his strict diet the doctor had instructed for the duration. He felt his energy levels beginning to suffer, but considered those symptoms to be less troublesome than the constant debilitating ache in his stomach everyday.

As Taehyung and Namjoon waited in the hospital room for the doctor to arrive, Namjoon looked carefully at the way Taehyung’s clothes were hanging from his gaunt frame now. He understood all of the members would lose a lot of weight during their hectic schedules when a comeback happened, so he let it slip his mind at how Taehyung had been thinning out more than he normally did during promotions. But now that he had the chance to fully get a look at the kid standing before him, he began to realize things were not panning out for the better, despite getting tested and taking medicine everyday like he had hoped.

“How are you feeling, Taehyungie?” Namjoon asked, hopeful Taehyung would open up to him.  
Taehyung ceased his roaming eyes around the hospital room to look at his Hyung when he heard his deep voice break through the silence in the air.  
“I’m fine.”  
Namjoon nodded knowing full well Taehyung would utter those very words with little thought. After all, he had been hiding his symptoms for over a month now from everyone to keep them from being overly concerned.  
“Do you still have the spots on your stomach?” Namjoon questioned while pointing casually towards the younger’s torso.  
Taehyung shook his head. “No, they’re gone.”  
“Let me check your back,” Namjoon requested, curious if Taehyung had even checked.  
“No it’s okay, I checked,” Taehyung said while holding up his hands in a defensive gesture.  
“Come on, let me see if they’re still on your back, Taehyung,” the older male said as he reached for the hem of Taehyung’s shirt to pull it up.  
The leader was abruptly disrupted when the doctor entered the room with a grim expression on his face while looking through a manilla folder.  
“Your tests all came back negative. Which would normally sound like good news, but seeing your weight loss in just a week, still has me concerned that we didn’t run the proper tests to find the cause of your illness. You went from 134 pounds last week, and had a weight of 121 pounds today.”  
Namjoon translated for Taehyung when the doctor paused, and Taehyung shyly looked up towards the doctor when Namjoon mentioned his weight loss like a scolded child. He was used to kilograms, but understood the conversion formula to know he had dropped a significant amount of weight in that time frame.  
The doctor turned to Namjoon and asked, “can he speak English at all?”  
Namjoon nodded, “he can understand what you say fairly well, but he still doesn’t speak as fluently.” Namjoon wanted to lie and say the kid was a fool and needed his hyung next to him for every interpretation as the fear of being asked to leave was approaching.  
“Then could I ask you to step out for a moment so I could talk to him privately?”  
Namjoon was suspicious for the reason he couldn’t be in the room, and whether Taehyung was hiding something he couldn’t admit to in front of him, but he did as the doctor requested without hesitation.  
“Yes, sir,” Namjoon said as he arose from the chair and headed towards the door the doctor was politely holding open for him.

The doctor turned back to Taehyung who looked back with a scared expression veiling his features.  
“Mr. Kim, I asked your friend to step out so I could talk to you privately. I need you to be honest with me.”  
Taehyung nodded, understanding most of what the doctor was saying.  
“Have you been eating?”  
Taehyung didn’t think it mattered if it was keeping him from becoming ill during their promotions, but he answered truthfully.  
“Not....a lot.”  
“About how much do you eat a day?”  
Taehyung gave a slight shrug since he hadn’t been eating at all lately, but didn’t want to admit to such extremes to the professional.  
“When did you stop eating? How long has it been?”  
“....test? Since test.”  
“You haven’t eaten for over a week?”  
Taehyung dismissed the minimal snacks he attempted to eat since he ended up throwing them up anyways from his terrible nausea.  
He shook his head as his nonverbal response.  
“Why aren’t you eating?”  
“Don’t want to get...hmmm, sick,” Taehyung slowly said in broken English, to the best of his ability.  
“You realize not eating will make you sicker, right?”  
Taehyung stared blankly which made the doctor think he didn’t understand his English. Taehyung figured he was going to feel ill regardless of whether or not he ate. But avoiding food seemed to be working best for him during their busy tour schedule, so he went with the lesser of two evils for the sake of the group.  
“If you continue to starve yourself, you’re going to become very ill later on. And any tests that I run to find out a possible diagnosis for your illness could come back as false negatives since you’re not eating. So everything will be inconclusive until you start eating again.”  
Taehyung was getting confused with the amount the doctor was saying, and shifted awkwardly on the hospital bed, causing the paper sheet to crunch beneath him. He was uncomfortable and wanted Namjoon back in the room with him so he could disconnect from the reality of the situation.  
“Why aren’t you following the diet plan I gave you?” The doctor asked.  
“I still.... feel... sick.” Taehyung could feel his brain going numb as the doctor spoke to him. He wasn’t able to decipher much of the sentences and became lost in thought when he couldn’t focus anymore. Even simple English words were confusing him in this setting.  
“I’ll have no choice but to order another scope to check your insides, only this one will be a colonoscopy to look at your intestinal tract since everything else came back negative. Do you understand what I’m saying?”  
Taehyung slightly understood the threat and nodded; but he was confident in avoiding anymore procedures, considering the group had to fly out of Texas in a day and he wouldn’t be around for anymore ordered tests.

—————————-

The two members arrived back at the hotel room, and without turning to look back at Taehyung, Namjoon demanded, “Come here, Taehyung.” His tone seemed harsh in a nonsensical way. Taehyung couldn’t help but feel he was in trouble with the way Namjoon wouldn’t even look in his direction as he traipsed down the hallway with Taehyung in tow.  
Namjoon opened the bathroom door in his room and waited for Taehyung to enter.   
“Sit,” Namjoon commanded while pointing to the lidded toilet seat.   
Taehyung passed in front of his hyung with an unsettling tension in his body for what was about to occur.

Namjoon closed the door and twisted the lock to ensure their privacy together wasn’t interrupted by another member, or staff. Taehyung could feel his heart begin to race at a quickening pace.  
Without looking at him, Namjoon spoke, “what did you talk to the doctor about that I had to leave the room?”   
The leader leaned over the sink in annoyance, stretching out his stiff back muscles in the process.  
Taehyung was dumbfounded hearing Namjoon speak so coldly to him, like the elder’s pride had been hurt after being sent away.  
“I, umm... I-uh,” Taehyung stuttered on his words, unsure what to say. He felt like he was in trouble and he wasn’t sure why Namjoon seemed so upset. 

Had he done something wrong?

“Taehyung-Ah, as the leader of the group, I have to take on many responsibilities. And one of them is making sure the group functions as a whole. This means, one person can’t be hiding something from the others. It displaces the trust and the group will slowly break apart. I understand why you wanted to keep your illness from us, but it’s actually damaging to us once we find out you’ve been keeping secrets. So when I ask you now, ‘what did you talk to the doctor about’, I need to know for the sake of the entire group to continue working at it’s best.”  
“Hyung, I didn’t really understand what he was asking. I understood some of it, but I got confused when he began saying words I’ve never studied.” Taehyung wasn’t completely lying at this point. He understood more than what he let on, but he was fearful Namjoon would begin watching him during meals to make sure he was eating. And then what if he became sick before a concert, or during an interview? He needed this secret to be kept for the benefit of the group. At least until the tour was complete.  
“What part did you understand?”  
“He just asked me a few questi-“  
“Taehyung, I need to know!” Namjoon interrupted in a shout. It was rare for him to lose his composure, but he was feeling a significant amount of stress as the leader with everything piling up on top of each other.  
Taehyung reeled back at the sudden outburst and hung his head down, allowing his bangs to softly fall in front of his eyes. The sharp tone he heard startled him to the point he thought Namjoon was becoming furious with his childish antics.  
“He wanted to know if there was anything I wanted to say that I thought I couldn’t say in front of you,” Taehyung said quietly, averting his gaze into his lap.  
“And was there?”  
Taehyung thought telling Namjoon now would have defeated the purpose of having him leave the room back at the hospital in the first place, but he wasn’t about to mention the irony of the situation in that moment.  
Taehyung shook his head.  
“What other questions did he ask?”  
“What?” Taehyung figured he had given the answer Namjoon was looking for, and he couldn’t think of anything else without admitting to his starvation techniques to feel better.  
“You said the doctor asked you a few questions. What else did he ask?”  
“He asked if the medicine was helping and I said I had felt better.”  
Namjoon gave a relaxing sigh. He felt guilty for speaking to Taehyung with such a harsh voice when it was really just an innocent conversation he had privately about his health that the doctor chose to have. It’s not like Taehyung had asked him to leave.  
“Is that it?” Namjoon asked a little kinder to ease the tension suffocating the air.  
Taehyung nodded, desperately wanting the interrogation to end.  
“Are you mad, Hyung?” Taehyung cautiously asked.  
Namjoon let out another deep exhale. He spun around to lean his hips against the porcelain sink and had his arms crossed in a closed off notion across his chest, but he was more standing for comfort while he tried to think of how to handle the situation and not to intimidate his dongsaeng.  
“No, Taehyung; I’m not mad. I’m just...” he paused trying to think of what emotion he was feeling. “I’m worried.  
“I’m worried about you, I’m worried about the other members, I’m worried about the comeback, I’m worried about finishing the next album,” Namjoon trailed off listing his woes, knowing others felt the same pressures with the majority of what he had been stressed about.  
Namjoon turned and kneeled in front of Taehyung. He grabbed onto Taehyung’s balled fists and held them sweetly in his gentle hands. Lovingly, he peered into Taehyung’s dark eyes and flashed a reassuring dimple.  
“With everything I’m worried about, I apologize if it comes off that I’m mad, or upset with you. I don’t intend for it to seem that way, and I only care about your health and safety. I didn’t bring you in here to yell at you, I just wanted to hear what you had to say first in case there was something you felt you couldn’t tell me or the others. But I want you to know that I will listen to whatever you have to say without question. My priority is to be there for all of the members; everything else on my plate can wait, just as long as all six of you guys are taken care of.”  
Taehyung was crushed by Namjoon’s soft hearted confession. He so badly wanted to tell him he was afraid to eat, and that he was also frustrated with being sick all of the time, but he was terrified he would be forced to eat with them to ensure his health. Here his Hyung was, confessing to him all of his worries, and he had the audacity to hide information from him. He felt terrible inside. The guilt was building, but it didn’t compare to the fear of eating food and couldn’t push him far enough to open up and ask for help right now.

After a pause to see if Taehyung had anything to say, Namjoon continued, “What did the doctor say about your weight?”  
Taehyung’s stomach flopped with the open ended question.   
“He just said it was a lot in a week.”  
Taehyung hurried to add more information in his defense to not raise any further suspicion, “but we just had the concert, and I’ve been on the strict diet, so I lost from that. I’ll gain it back since I can eat regularly again.”   
He was lying. He didn’t plan to eat again. At least, not during the promotions and World Tour.  
“Did he mention a follow up appointment?”   
Taehyung shook his head. He knew there wouldn’t have been any time left in Texas for a third visit, but after having the doctor in New York set everything up in a different state for them, it was worth asking.  
“He said everything was fine, so there was no need.”   
Another lie from the young male.  
Namjoon confirmed with a nod and looked away, trying to process what they needed to do next. He didn’t like that he wasn’t in the hospital room with Taehyung to hear anymore the doctor had to say, but there was nothing he could do about it at this point in time.

After a moment, he looked back at Taehyung, rubbing his thumbs against the pronounced bones in his hands.  
“The 121 pounds he mentioned was your weight with your clothes on, wasn’t it?”  
Taehyung didn’t respond. He froze while staring into Namjoon’s prying eyes.  
“That means your weight is less than that.”  
Namjoon sighed and turned away again. He was unsure what to do in response to Taehyung’s low weight since he admitted he was on a very strict diet for the past week.  
“Taehyungie, just make sure you are honest if you get sick again, okay? We’ll be here to help you through this.”


	8. Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung slammed his elbow against the wall in a fit of anger, leading Jin to quickly gather his arms into his hands and hold them steady so he couldn’t hurt himself.  
> “Stop, Taehyungie!” Jin cried out.  
> “Let go of me,” Taehyung shouted back, trying to pry Jin’s hands from his arms.  
> “Taehyung-ah, Stop!” Yoongi finally raised his voice to a guttural growl, as he shouted his command. He moved forward and grabbed onto the hand that was prying at Jin’s, and yanked it to his lap.  
> “This isn’t you, Taehyung! You wouldn’t act this way! What is going on with you? What is wrong?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To set the scenery for this chapter, I wrote it during the time Taehyung and Jin had an argument before a concert.
> 
> “As per reports in media, during BTS's 2017 Wings tour, Jin and V had a pre-show argument that left both members nearly too emotional to perform. The fight was included in episode 4 of Burn the Stage, BTS's candid, behind the scenes documentary.”

The seven member group was now in Japan for the last leg of their World Tour, performing at the sold out Tokyo Dome for the next several days.   
Things had calmed down in regards to Taehyung’s health, but he never fully made an attempt to gain back the weight he had lost while in Texas.   
In fact, he seemed even thinner.

————————-

With an argument occurring before the concert, and a reconciliation afterwards, Taehyung was still feeling an anguished heartache from seeing Jin upset. His work ethic and perfectionism led him to call out the eldest and try to help him with improving the concert performance. But Jin felt his pride sullied and retaliated back by shouting at Taehyung.

Come nightfall, Taehyung laid in his bed with an arm covering his eyes to escape the moonlight from illuminating his skin. Sleep escaped him with all of the anxieties dancing amok in his mind. The rest of the house was quiet with the dead of night, except for a soft, low breath heard from Namjoon sleeping down the hall, but it wasn’t enough to distract the tormented mind Taehyung had been afflicted with.

Hot tears snuck past his arm that was pressed over his face and ran down his cheeks. He never meant to upset his hyung, and he felt remorse for what may have been disrespectful to his elder.  
Taehyung heard the creak of the floorboard and looked towards his bedroom door in surprise by the sudden interruption to his plagued thoughts racing rampantly through his mind.  
Once his eyes adjusted to the blackness of the shadowed room, he could see Jin standing in his doorway.  
“Hey, Taehyungie,” Jin whispered.  
“Hyung!” Taehyung exclaimed as he sat up in his bed and wiped the drying tears from his face.  
“Can I lay with you?” Jin asked. He knew Taehyung had a habit of sleeping in the members’ beds when he wanted some skinship and to feel comforted by the others, so he didn’t think the dongsaeng would object to his intrusion.  
Holding in his emotions, Taehyung bit his bottom lip and nodded his head in acknowledgement. He wanted to lay with Jin, but he didn’t feel deserving of the other’s love and comfort since he hurt him earlier.

Jin carefully closed the bedroom door behind him and waltzed across the room until he reached Taehyung‘s bed.   
Before sitting down, he leaned over and placed his hands gently on the younger‘s cheeks and tilted his head upwards until their eyes met.  
Jin used his thumb to rub away a falling tear from Taehyung’s face.  
“I don’t want you crying anymore over this,” Jin stated with love in his voice. “Do you understand, Taehyungie?”  
Taehyung tried to look away in shame, but Jin pulled his gaze back with his firm grip. Taehyung’s long, slender fingers wrapped around the elder’s wrists. He wanted Jin to release his face. He already knew he was going to fixate on this moment for days on end until he felt he had finally learned from his mistake for calling out a fellow member with such disregard.  
Jin exhaled knowing full well the younger would dwell on this without a doubt in his mind. It was the way Taehyung had always handled stressful situations, until he finally became overly emotional and lost it in his room, or secretly in the bathroom.

“Go ahead and wash your face and then come back to bed,” Jin whispered. He softly patted Taehyung’s neck to urge him on.  
Taehyung pushed the comforter aside and dangled his thin legs over the edge of the bed. Jin stepped aside to let him head to the bathroom and wash himself up.  
After a moment, Taehyung reentered his own bedroom to find Jin laying in his bed. Still full of sadness, his heart momentarily felt warmed with love knowing he wasn’t alone.  
Jin lifted the comforter and patted the bed for Taehyung.  
The thin male padded across the chilly room, eager to get back into his bed. 

As he crawled under the cover, Jin placed the blanket over the younger male and wrapped his arm around Taehyung’s torso. He pulled him in to himself, wrapping both arms around Taehyung and burying his face into his brunette colored hair. A mix of shampoo and sweat filled his lungs while he rubbed soothing circles against the thick hoody onto his dongsaeng’s back.  
“I’m sorry, Hyung,” Taehyung was the first to speak after returning to the room. He mindlessly pressed his palms onto Jin’s chest, and neatly traced the fabric seam around his buttons while he focused on his apology.  
“Taehyungie, you’ve been getting upset with me more and more over the past few weeks.”   
Jin didn’t beat around the bush when he had something to say to the others, and being the eldest in the dorm, he felt showing his own openness and honesty was the best way to have the other members emulate the same towards him.  
“It feels like we’re drifting apart, and I’m curious if it’s just me, or if it’s towards the other members as well.”  
Hearing Jin confront him about his attitude, Taehyung felt the embarrassment and guilt twist his heartstrings in sorrow. Whenever he had problems in the past, he would confide in either Jin, his nurturing Hyung, or Jimin, his best friend.

Jin could sense Taehyung was becoming more upset as he felt the muscles in his dongsaeng’s back tighten up. He took the moment to rub his left palm under the fabric of the thick hoody and the length of Taehyung’s back in an effort to try to relax the boy. He was taken aback when he felt the noticeable ridges of ribs and sharp vertebrae as he ran his hand up and down Taehyung’s protruding spine. The touch of skin had formed so many questions in Jin’s mind that he wanted to immediately ask the boy:

‘Are you upset with me?’

‘Are you frustrated with your health?’

“Are you feeling okay?’

‘How are you mentally?’

‘Are you eating well?’

With all of these questions flooding the cavities of his mind, he took a moment to take a deep, cleansing breath to gain some mental clarity.  
As he exhaled a slow sigh, he placed a hand softly against Taehyung’s cheek and rubbed the raw skin near his cheekbone, chapped from the staining of tears. He watched Taehyung’s puffy eyelids lift to unveil big, black eyes peering up at him.  
“Are you happy, Taehyungie?”  
“Huh?” Taehyung was confused by the vague question and didn’t know how to answer until Jin elaborated on what he was looking for.  
“I don’t know what to say to you anymore. I never know if you’ll open up and be honest since you seemed to have withdrawn so much away from the group. I never know if you’re hiding things, thinking we’ll feel better not knowing, or you don’t trust us.”  
Taehyung could hear the tension rising in Jin’s voice as he let his sorrows and concerns be vocalized. But he never broke eye contact as he listened to his Hyung explain himself.   
Jin’s confession was heartfelt, and Taehyung began to see the pain welling up in his hyung’s eyes as he continued.  
“You’re getting very thin, Taehyungie. Your back-“ Jin choked on his next few words, not wanting to admit to Taehyung’s skeletal look.  
He wrapped his arm around Taehyung, burying the boy’s face against his shoulder, and resting his head on top of the younger’s. He touched his hand against Taehyung’s bony back and gripped at his skin.  
“Don’t, Hyung,” Taehyung said with his voice cracking from the start of burning tears surfacing. He was ashamed of how his body looked, and didn’t want to let his Hyung continue to touch the bones if he knew it was causing him so much pain to feel everything. He attempted to push away, but Jin gripped onto him even more.   
“No! Stop running away from me!” Jin scolded the younger, but with a hint of pleading in his voice.  
“Why are you doing this?” Jin asked while he poked and prodded at Taehyung’s bones, feeling the protrusions jutting from under the younger’s flesh.  
“I’m not doing anything,” Taehyung defended, raising his voice an octave higher than normal with the ferocity beginning to manifest.   
He didn’t want to have this conversation with Jin.   
He didn’t want the members to ask about his weight loss.   
“Taehyung, you’re getting so thin, I can feel your bones,” Jin argued back, allowing the sadness to linger in his sentence.  
“It’s just from the tour! Everyone loses weight,” Taehyung said pressing against Jin’s chest to break free from the older males tight hold. He didn’t want the roaming fingers to touch him anymore. He was self conscious and embarrassed.  
“No, it’s not, Taehyung!” Jin was beginning to get angry with Taehyung’s defensive lies. He just wanted him to be safe and healthy, and he didn’t know how to help if he continued to hide things from him.  
“You never eat with us anymore, and you’ve been growing more moody with everyone!”   
Taehyung was now sitting up trying to get Jin to release him from his clutches. He nearly toppled out of the bed as he attempted to pull Jin’s hand from his wrist, but he caught his footing and back stepped away from the bed.   
Jin never released his grip onto Taehyung’s arm. He was still grasping onto the boy like a vice grip, practically being dragged out of the bed to prevent Taehyung from escaping the room. He tripped slightly as the blanket tangled around his legs and he forcefully clawed nails, by accident, into Taehyung’s arms to prevent himself from falling to the floor.  
This led Taehyung to scream out his next sentence from the pain and emotions.  
“Stop, Hyung! Everything is fine! I’m just busy-“  
“Stop lying to me!”

Both boys were now standing in the middle of the room, now; Taehyung continued slapping Jin’s hands away from his limbs, both remaining persistent with their developing fight. Jin grabbed onto Taehyung’s shoulders and jerked him out of anger as he hollered.  
“Stop lying to me, Taehyung!” Jin was feeling his pride sullied allowing the younger member to slap his hands away carelessly.  
Taehyung’s voice escalated to a raspy cry as he twisted to get away from Jin.  
“I’m not lying! Let me go!”  
Taehyung was fighting with all his might trying to get Jin to release him. He no longer cared if he hurt him with his thrashing since his only priority was to get away from his elder at that moment.  
“How could you act this way towards me? Don’t you care?! Where is your respect?!” Jin shouted, no longer cautious of the words flowing past his lips.  
Taehyung froze after hearing Jin’s complaint, feeling defeated with the truthful words of his hyung’s sharp tongue.   
With tears surging, Taehyung broke down and could only sob as he shamelessly ineffectively pushed Jin’s hands away. 

Of course he cared.   
That’s the whole reason he was doing this.   
He wanted to protect the members from stress.   
He wanted to free them from his burden.

Jin grabbed ahold of the hem of Taehyung’s hoody and pulled it up in one fell swoop as he lunged forward, knocking Taehyung off balance in the process. This allowed Jin to pull the fabric up with ease, over Taehyung’s head and down his loose arms.  
Taehyung thoughtlessly reached for the falling article of clothing giving Jin the open opportunity to reach his hands around Taehyung’s torso and spin him so his back was pinned against his chest now.  
As Taehyung pounded his fists against Jin’s arm that was pinning him back against the elder, Jin used his other hand to grasp Taehyung’s neck and jerk his head still next to his own face.  
“Look at yourself, Taehyung,” Jin yelled as he held his dongsaeng’s neck still, forcing him to gaze at the reflection in the mirror.

Despite dark shadows masking most of the room, the moon’s illuminating light cascaded upon the silhouettes of the young men.   
The sight of Taehyung’s naked body took its toll on Jin’s heavy heart. He lost his composure and cried from seeing the emaciated flesh covered bones before him. Until this moment, Taehyung had been cautious to constantly wear baggy clothing to hide his frame and thinning features.

“Oh goodness! You’re so thin,” Jin gasped as he cried in realization of the reality of the situation. He released Taehyung’s neck and moved to hug the younger with all of his love, rocking back and forth like the motherly role he had taken on amongst the group. The pain Taehyung must have been enduring to get to this point made Jin’s heart hurt with empathy.  
“Hyung, stop!” Taehyung cried out, letting the weight of his body drop down as his knees gave out.   
He was angry, he was sad, he was embarrassed. He crumpled into a heap on the floor with his head pressed into his hands as he was overcome with emotions. He couldn’t bear hearing Jin cry because of what he was deliberately doing to himself. He never wanted to hurt the other members through his intentional actions.

Jin crouched down and laid his face against his arms that he rested on top of Taehyung’s arched back. He felt regretful for yanking Taehyung’s clothing off the way he did, especially after seeing the boy in his current condition, but he never guessed his dongsaeng was to this point of sickness.

As both males cried tears of shame and regret, Jin uncurled his arms and roamed them around Taehyung’s neck for a warming back hug, enveloping the kid entirely in the process.  
“Taehyungie, please-,” Jin coerced. He rubbed a falling tear away by grazing his face against Taehyung’s hair. “Please let me love you.”

————————

The two were startled when the bedroom door swung open, revealing a smaller silhouette in the doorway.   
“What’s with all the shouting?”  
Yoongi stepped into the room, but was soon taken aback by the sight in front of him; his Hyung, red in the face with streams of tears, and the ghastly, skeletal figure of Taehyung, balled up underneath him, sobbing as well.  
Yoongi’s initial thought was that Taehyung had become sick again, but quickly dismissed the idea until he had time to ask further imponderable questions.   
“What’s going on here, Hyung?” Yoongi asked politely to the eldest.  
“Yoongi, look at him,” Jin said as he sat up and motioned towards Taehyung, whom was slowly uncurling to get away from Jin.  
Yoongi could count the ribs he saw on Taehyung’s back, even in the darkness of the shadow ladened room.  
“He’s sick, Yoongi,” Jin cried out, mindlessly gripping onto the fabric of Taehyung’s pants to keep him from crawling away, and wiping his tears from his sore eyes.  
“Taehyungie,” Yoongi called as he entered the room towards the two.  
Taehyung uncurled the rest of the way and swatted Yoongi’s hand back as the elder reached for his arm to help him up; like an injured puppy biting at the helping hand from the amount of stress happening during that moment.  
“Please, get out!” A flustered Taehyung cried out with great desperation in his voice.  
“No,” Yoongi sternly voiced, irritated from the rudeness of having the younger slap his hand away. “You clearly need someone right now, and you think being a brat will make us leave you alone.”  
“Stop!” Taehyung shouted impolitely, subconsciously gripping and tugging at his hair in frustration.   
“Taehyungie, please?” Jin continued to cry. His heart was in pain watching his Taehyung change in demeanor. This was unlike his usual character. He would never speak without honorifics, he would never fight back, or be rude towards the Hyung line.

Taehyung twisted and scurried back to sit against the wall further away from his hyungs, drawing his knees in close to himself, still riddled with tears and gasping for air through his hyperventilated breaths.  
“Please, I beg of you! Just leave me alone!” Taehyung covered his face with his hands as he released a heavy sob, frustrated with everything happening. He couldn’t stand himself for the way he acted towards his hyungs. It was unforgivable.  
“I’m not leaving you, Taehyungie,” Jin announced as he crawled closer, gently placing his hand on Taehyung’s shin, but careful not to be kicked away like the shunned creature that had been bitten by the ferocious beast once before.

Yoongi allowed the bedroom door to quietly close so the other members wouldn’t be stirred from their slumber with the sounds of the echoing voices broadcasting down the silent hallways.  
“Taehyung-Ah, talk to us,” Yoongi said, moving to sit gingerly on the floor, facing the angry male.  
“I don’t know what to say, I just want you to leave me alone,” Taehyung whined as he slapped his fists against his knees. The veins in his neck were protruding as he forced his voice out in a scream to get his frustrations across.  
Yoongi waved his hand while shaking his head, “that’s not going to happen. We both care for you and aren’t going to leave until this is resolved tonight.”  
Taehyung slammed his elbow against the wall in a fit of anger, leading Jin to quickly gather his arms into his hands and hold them steady so he couldn’t hurt himself.  
“Stop, Taehyungie!” Jin cried out.  
“Let go of me,” Taehyung shouted back, trying to pry Jin’s hands from his arms.  
“Taehyung-ah, Stop!” Yoongi finally raised his voice to a guttural growl, as he shouted his command. He moved forward and grabbed onto the hand that was prying at Jin’s, and yanked it to his lap.  
“This isn’t you, Taehyung! You wouldn’t act this way! What is going on with you? What is wrong?” The concern in Yoongi’s eyes gave him a fearful expression that Taehyung had rarely seen before, leading him to hate his actions and for being so careless as to getting caught.  
“Nothing!” Taehyung shouted with tearful waterfalls decorating his reddened face.  
“There is something going on, now what is it? Tell me!”  
“No!”  
“Taehyung!”  
“Stop!”  
“Taehyung! Just say it!”  
“Let go of me!”  
“Taehyung! You’re only making things worse-”  
“It’s for you!” Taehyung screamed the interruption out, desperately trying to make his hyung cease his interrogation.  
The three members stilled there movements with Taehyung’s sudden admittance to the demanding questions.  
“What do you mean?” Yoongi asked in a more calm manner, feeling aghast by the outburst of a remark.  
“Never mind,” Taehyung forcefully hollered as he relinquished in his pleas.  
“No, what did you mean? You can’t take it back now. What do you mean ‘it’s for me’?”  
Taehyung couldn’t go back now. He had let it out to get Yoongi’s persistent shouting to cease. He leaned his head back against the wall and took a sharp inhale trying to figure out how to explain what he meant.  
“Taehyungie?” Yoongi softly said as he jostled Taehyung’s arm to snap him out of his trance. He cupped his hands around Taehyung’s balled fist and softly rubbed the tight skin stretching over his bony knuckles.  
Taehyung exhaled his hot breath, ready to finally give up out of sheer exhaustion. He lowered his gaze back to Yoongi and shook his head.  
“I don’t know,” he quietly whispered.  
“Talk to us, Taehyung. Whatever you want to say to us. We’re both right here for you now.”  
Taehyung curled into himself even more and shook his head furiously as he choked on a hyperventilated hiccup of tears.   
“I can’t!”   
Hearing Yoongi’s compassion, even after acting so disrespectful towards the two elders, made Taehyung crumble into tormented thoughts of hatred towards himself.  
Both Jin and Yoongi continued to hold one of Taehyung’s balled fists so he wouldn’t attempt to punch anything anymore in his heated state.  
“Taehyungie,” Jin finally spoke, stifling his tears long enough to get what he wanted to say out in the open. “I love you so much. I don’t care that you pushed me away, or the things you said. I know this isn’t who you really are. I forgive you for everything. But please, tell me what is wrong. We already can see that something is very wrong with you,” he motioned towards Taehyung’s skeletal frame.  
“Taehyungie, please,” Jin begged.  
Taehyung stared at his eldest Hyung, hurt from hearing how much pain he was causing and yet receiving forgiveness when he was undeserving.  
“I don’t know what’s wrong, Hyung!” Taehyung confessed staring intently at his Hyung for help. His big, bloodshot eyes practically begging for someone to save him from himself.  
“Are you eating?” Jin asked.  
Taehyung averted his eyes to stare shamefully at his legs. He shook his head, no longer wanting to hold onto the secrets.  
“Why not, Taehyungie?”   
Taehyung continued looking away from both hyungs as he responded.  
“I felt better when I stopped eating. And I thought, if nothing goes in, nothing will come back up and I can continue promotions. Nobody would have to go with me to visit doctors and everyone could focus on the comeback and Tour instead.”  
“Oh, Taehyungie,” Jin cooed to the younger as he moved closer to sit against the wall next to Taehyung, wrapping his arm around the boy’s shoulder to comfort him.  
“I didn’t want people to think of me as weak, and I got mad that I wasn’t getting better, no matter how hard I tried.”  
“And you began to displace your anger towards Jin-Hyung lately since he kept trying to get closer to you?” Yoongi deduced after hearing their altercation before the concert. “And this was your way of trying to push him away.”  
Taehyung gave a doe-eyed look as Yoongi evaluated the situation.  
“How long has it been since you’ve eaten?” Yoongi asked.  
Taehyung chewed on his bottom lip, not wanting to tell them the truth, especially while feeling naked with his skin exposed to them.  
“Days?” Yoongi asked.  
Taehyung looked scared to admit the truth.  
“A week?”  
Taehyung hung his head in pain as the tears welled up once again. He was ashamed to hear his Hyung naming timeframes with such heartache in his voice, knowing the amount of time was actually much longer.  
“Oh, Taehyungie!” Jin said as he reached his arm around and pulled him close for a warm embrace. His hands laid on the individual ribs and sharp shoulder blades, and he was torn with emotion. He desperately wanted to help his dongsaeng, but he didn’t know what to do in this situation.  
“Taehyungie,” Yoongi said while readjusting and scooting directly in front of Taehyung with his legs crossed and scratching his temple in ponderance.  
“You know it's been inevitable that we would write you a part in Cypher to perform with us, right? However, the situation that arises with these circumstances at the moment, has given me the opportunity to provide you with an ultimatum: I can leave the new lyrics the way they are with you being able to perform with us....but you have to eat every meal with me up until recording.  
“However, if you do not take care of your health, I will have an alternate version of Cypher that excludes you from the song completely."  
Taehyung felt the surge of anger and desperation strike once again from his anxieties at the mere thought of being guilted into eating.   
“But what if I get sick again, hyung?” Taehyung asked, fearful of his illness flaring up at a future time. "Hyung, can I think about this?"  
"No Taehyung; because there's only one correct answer. You _need_ to eat. I want you to perform with me. But at the rate you're going, you won't be able to perform with any of us, for any of our songs, because you'll be in the hospital getting serious help. Don’t you understand that this can kill you?”  
Taehyung leaned his head down and wept in frustration. He always loved playing around, singing Cypher with the rap line; but he was so anxious about eating again and fearing he’d get sick once more.  
Jin squeezed Taehyung into a side hug and allowed the younger to rest his head on his broad shoulder.  
“Come on, Taehyungie. You know it’s the right thing to do,” Jin said softly next to Taehyung’s ear.  
“You can’t stop eating,” Yoongi spoke up. “You will die if you don’t eat. I mean, you’re already very thin. It’ll impact your dancing, your energy, your looks... I don’t even understand how you’ve been able to go this long and continue with the busy schedule without eating.  
“And what about ARMY? They’ll notice soon enough. Don’t you think they’ll be upset if they found out you were intentionally starving yourself? What if they start emulating your methods to lose weight?”  
Taehyung still had his head buried into Jin’s neck as the eldest held on to his bare shoulder. He was exhausted from everything. His eyes were as dry as sandpaper from crying, it was late in the evening, and the lack of nourishment was taking its toll on him.  
He had angled in more towards Jin so his knees were laying in the elder’s lap. He was close to passing out, now, but was trying to pay attention to everything his hyung’s had to say.   
He knew Yoongi was right, but he was plagued with the war in his mind to proceed with starving so he could continue performing without getting ill for the remainder of their comeback schedule.

“What do you say, Taehyungie?” Jin said, patting lightly on the boy’s thigh that he had wrapped his arm around. He could tell Taehyung was very tired at this point; he was feeling his heavy eyelids drooping, as well.  
“Come on, Taehyung. Just agree to it.” Yoongi coaxed.

Despite his anxious thoughts screaming inside of his head to refuse Yoongi’s offer, Taehyung softly spoke an agreeance to the ultimatum, allowing the two elders to feel like progress was being made.  
Jin lifted his hand from where it was squeezing Taehyung’s thin thigh the whole time Yoongi offered the ultimatum, and placed it lovingly on the base of Taehyung’s neck and hugged him even closer. He pressed his dry lips against Taehyung’s sweaty forehead and forced a peck to the soiled skin.  
“Thank you so much, Taehyungie!” Jin whispered to the younger.   
Jin proceeded to place both of his hands on either side of Taehyung’s face and looked him in the eyes while holding him gently, “I love you so much and there’s nothing I won’t do to help you right now.”  
Taehyung acknowledged the love with a slight nod against Jin’s hands, but remained silent with shame and guilt.  
Yoongi tapped his hand against Taehyung’s and offered reassurance, “we’re both here for you, and will be always. Anytime you have something you need to say, you come find me and I’ll listen. Okay?”  
Taehyung allowed the words to catch in his throat with a gasp from trying to stifle the tears long enough to answer, “Okay.”  
“Alright,” Yoongi gave a squeeze to Taehyung’s hand like a secretive hug. “It’s very late now, so we should all get back to bed before tomorrow.”  
“Taehyungie, are you going to be okay?” Jin asked in a sympathetic voice, rubbing his fingertips against Taehyung’s sticky skin.  
Taehyung’s big eyes locked with Jin’s and he spoke cautiously, “are you still sleeping here?”  
“Do you want me to sleep in here?” Jin asked. He knew Taehyung would rather have someone in his bed with him, but he wanted to hear him say it aloud, especially after the escalated altercation they just endured.  
Taehyung shied away, unsure if Jin asked because he no longer wanted to lay with him after their scuffle and heated exchange of words.  
“Taehyungie,” Jin began, placing his hand against the younger’s ear and stroking his hair back, “it’s okay; you can say it. I still feel the exact same way as when I walked in here. Do you still want me to sleep with you?”  
Taehyung nodded.  
“Okay. Let’s go to bed then.” Jin shifted forward from the wall and Taehyung pulled his legs back from the eldest’s lap, wrapping his arms around himself, subconsciously still trying to hide his figure from the two other members.

Yoongi handed Taehyung the hoody that had been laying in a heap on the floor near the bed.  
After Taehyung pulled his clothing back over his torso and adjusted the hem, he noticed Yoongi standing in front of him with his hand outstretched. Taehyung reluctantly took the offer and made his way to his feet, feeling a pat on his back from the older male before walking back towards the bed where Jin had wandered over towards.

“굿밤,” Yoongi said as he opened the bedroom door and began to exit.   
The other two males offered their pleasantries before Yoongi left the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

Jin laid down first after picking the blanket up off the floor and waited for Taehyung to crawl into the bed before pulling the cover over their bodies.   
“Taehyungie, I’m going to hug you, okay,” Jin proclaimed before reaching his arm out to pull Taehyung into him. He understood that Taehyung felt ashamed of his current looks, and didn’t want him touching his thin body, so he offered the warning to prepare the younger that he was going to hold onto him.  
“I’m sorry, Hyung,” Taehyung said before Jin had a chance to wrap him up, causing him to hinder his actions.  
“I already said I forgive you for that,” Jin spoke, thinking Taehyung was referencing the way he hollered at him in a disrespectful manner, and aggressively striking his hands away.  
Taehyung looked away, wondering if he should leave it at that belief, or continue the apology with the real reason for his condolences.

Jin noticed Taehyung’s solemn expression and decided to question the young male.  
“What were you apologizing for, Taehyungie?”  
“You started crying when you saw my body. So...” Taehyung paused for a moment, trying to think of the appropriate wording for his next sentence.   
“I’m sorry for the way I look.”  
“Taehyungie, no!” Jin lurched forward to hug his dongsaeng, and to show that he wasn’t disgusted by the younger’s body one bit.  
“I cried because I could physically see the pain you were in; and also because I carelessly hadn’t noticed your suffering was to this magnitude before tonight.”  
Taehyung relaxed after hearing Jin confess why he became upset at the sight of his unclothed body, and that it wasn’t due to the sight alone.  
“I don’t want to lose weight, hyung.” Taehyung softly admitted with his rough voice.  
“I know, Taehyungie.” Jin brushed Taehyung’s hair back as he raked his fingers through the soft strands. He could tell Taehyung was nearly asleep as he watched his eyelids blink slower each time, and his face sunk against his balled fists more. He wondered if that was the reason Taehyung began to open up to him in conversation now. His inhibitions had lowered the closer he approached sleep.  
“Taehyungie?”  
“Hmm?” Taehyung softly moaned.  
“What made you stop eating?” Jin hoped Taehyung wasn’t yet asleep and would continue talking.  
“I thought food was making me sick.”  
“What made you suspect that?”  
“I felt better when I stopped eating for the tests.”  
“Is that when you stopped eating?”  
“Mmhmm.”  
“Taehyungie?”  
“...hmm?”  
“What do you weigh now?”  
“....” Taehyung’s eyes had closed and his breathing had deepened.  
Jin refrained from asking anymore inquiries so Taehyung wouldn’t have his sleep disturbed further.   
He continued to run his long fingers through Taehyung’s hair, until sleep finally overtook his own body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 굿밤 is an informal expression of ‘goodnight’. 굿 (goot) 밤 (bam)   
> It’s a version of Konglish (Korean English) as it uses the English sound for ‘good’, and 밤 (bam) is Hangul for night.


	9. Anpanman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi’s gummy smile was the only one shining as he lifted the title paper to reveal the punishment hidden underneath on their game board.
> 
> ‘Kissing Kin’
> 
> “Hobi-Hyung and Taehyungie have to kiss again?” Jimin guessed from the vague answer reveal; the image still fresh in his mind since the topic was brought up earlier in the day.  
> The director made his announcement:  
> “Either Taehyung-ssi and J-Hope-ssi can take one for the team and kiss each other, or all of the members will have to kiss Suga-ssi on the cheek.”
> 
> Let the anarchy ensue.

BigHit Entertainment received a special invitation for the group to come tour the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame located near the shores of Lake Erie in Cleveland, Ohio. As their schedule was free at the current moment, they accepted the offer and flew to North America for the week. 

They had wrapped up their World Tour, and finished promotions for their comeback, leaving the group time to work on side projects and smaller works to get a jump ahead on next month’s activities that were dutifully scheduled accordingly.

The company made accommodations to rent a lakeside house in Geneva-on-the-Lake, and proceeded to schedule filming for their Vlive series while staying abroad.

As BTS sat on the bus traveling from their rental property towards Cleveland, the director began to explain the week’s filming schedule for the Run BTS series.  
The theme for the multiple episode Run was going to be Anpanman.  
“Anpanman?” Hoseok repeated.  
“Like Ironman?” Jungkook jubilantly shouted out, showing his youthful passion for the superhero.  
“Or Superman! Whoo-wah!” Hoseok said, imitating using his chest to deflect a bullet.  
“It is, in fact, Superman,” the director confirmed.  
“Whoa!” Hoseok laughed at the surprise of randomly guessing correctly.  
“We get to meet Superman?” Jimin asked with innocent charm in a rhetoric manner.

The director continued:  
“the creation of Superman was in Cleveland, Ohio. There’s an exhibit on the first floor of the historical Cleveland Public Library featuring the superhero that we can view during our stay.”

The group cheered in awe; from excitement for comic book creations, to the love of museum collections, they were all glad to get a chance to experience where the most iconic superhero was created.  
“After we view the collection, the library is allowing us to film, after hours, inside of the establishment so we do not disturb the public, and we can have access to all the floors in the entire building.  
“We will relocate to the pop art wing, where we will pay homage to the Rookie King episodes, and play a version of Silent Library.”

The group offered a mix of cheers and groans after remembering certain punishments doled out to individuals.  
“Hey, maybe Taehyungie and Hobi-Hyung can have a second kiss together,” Jimin jousted, referencing their liplock from the distant past.  
“Aw, Taehyungie, I hope you’re a better kisser than the last time,” Hoseok joked.  
“I always seem to be on the receiving end of kissing punishments,” Taehyung sullenly announced as he recalled his punishment with Jimin during a BTS Gayo episode, as well as, the Rookie King ordeal with Hoseok.

The director made his final announcement as the group continued their road travel down the long interstate:   
“when we arrive in Cleveland, we’ll tour the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame first with limited filming. Afterwards, we will move to the library and begin our itinerary there.”  
“What about eating? Are we having dinner between locations?” Jin asked, already feeling his stomach growling from the lack of snacks on the road trip.  
“Yes. We will provide food between locations from a local restaurant.”  
Six out of the seven members cheered at the idea of dinner as they were all feeling peckish after having such an early breakfast at the airport, and missing lunch due to travels. But Taehyung remained mute at the first mention of food. He still had anxieties around food and eating, especially after slowly introducing meals once again to his daily diet.

Taehyung had been following his end of the bargain and ate dinner every night with Yoongi; sometimes the occasional meal with Jin, instead, when Yoongi was busy working and pushed dinner late into the evening. Taehyung noticed certain nights he would go to bed nauseated beyond belief, and awaken with pains in his stomach. But he hesitated mentioning it to anyone.

What could they do?

Yoongi and Jin would ask some days how he was feeling, but Taehyung insisted everything was alright. He was starting to become desperate to return to skipping meals just so he could feel better again, but the two eldest wouldn’t allow him the chance to avoid their meals together.   
Taehyung strongly desired to have a part in Cypher, and to know it was close to coming to fruition made him try to keep up with his end of the bargain. However, in his desperation to continue moving forward with work, he began taking drastic measures to relieve the pain he experienced from time to time when it became unmanageable.

———————

After touring the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the group found a location near the lake where they could have the dinner provided to them by the BigHit staff.   
There wasn’t much filming in the museum, except for a few clips that would be uploaded to their YouTube channel, and photos for multiple social media outlets.

They received Korean Fried chicken from the local Korean restaurant in Asian Town, as well as bakery items and boba tea from Koko Bakery to squelch their appetites.  
The members casually chatted while eating their meal as they watched boats and jet skis skate across the lake, taking time to enjoy the beautiful weather.

Jin suspiciously watched Taehyung toss pieces of a pork bun at seagulls down below into the water as he sat a ways back from the rest of the group. He noticed him pick up the bakery item, but he had yet to see him take a bite on his own.  
“Here, Taehyungie, try this,” Jin said, holding out his chopsticks with a piece of chicken squeezed between them.  
Taehyung raised up his hand to block the offer from his mouth and kindly refused.   
Jin didn’t want to bring attention to the fact Taehyung hadn’t eaten anything since the cameras were constantly rolling for behind the scenes action.   
He slowly lost his appetite as his heart sunk from watching his dongsaeng refuse food and try to make it look like he was eating without the other noticing. But Jin was wise as to what was going on amidst the group.

“Do we have time to use the bathroom before filming in the library?” Jin asked the director with important reasoning.  
The director agreed and allowed the members to have their makeup touched up and relieve themselves while the cameras stopped rolling and were transported to the next shooting location.

“Taehyungie, come here,” Jin said as he grabbed Taehyung’s arm, and pulled him along behind him, giving him no option of refusal again.  
They crossed the grass and went back inside the museum to use the restroom, noticing Jungkook had followed behind to use it as well. Jin didn’t want to tell him his intentions were to confront Taehyung about throwing food away, but he no longer cared to keep this a secret from the other members. It should have been addressed as a group sooner than later, anyway.

As the three entered the bathroom, Jin spun around and spoke steadily, stopping the two boys in their tracks, “why weren’t you eating anything, Taehyung?”  
Taehyung flicked his gaze over to the youngest, who was now standing close to them with his mouth open, still surprised from Jin’s sudden accusation.  
“Hyung, you didn’t eat?” Jungkook asked with a sympathetic curiosity. He could have sworn he saw him eating; but that was just the illusion Taehyung wanted people to see.  
“I didn’t want to feel sick since we have filming later,” Taehyung admitted.  
“Taehyungie, how do you know you’ll feel sick if you eat now? Have you been feeling sick when you eat with us?” Jin asked, referring to himself and Yoongi.  
Taehyung didn’t want to admit to it, but he also didn’t want to start an argument at a time like this transitioning between shoots.  
“More often than not,” he muttered.  
Jin stared into Taehyung’s big, dark eyes and could tell he was being honest, finally. He felt discouraged now after thinking they were making progress, only to find out Taehyung was still experiencing symptoms of his previous illness and suffering alone in silence.  
“Has it been bad?” Jin asked after experiencing, firsthand, how bad it could get with Taehyung throwing up and passing out from his illness.  
“Not that bad.”  
“What’s it feel like?” Jungkook asked with a concerning tone, transitioning to acting more like a Hyung towards the older than the maknae.  
“I get really nauseous right after eating, and sometimes get pains in my stomach.”  
“Why didn’t you say anything when Yoongi or I asked if you were doing okay?”  
Taehyung shrugged, unsure of why he refused to acknowledge his illness to his hyungs. “It can’t be fixed.”  
“You can’t skip eating today, you know that right?” Jin sternly remarked.  
“I know. I just have to eat in the evenings so I’m at home when I start to feel sick.”  
Jin sighed with great demise, feeling defeated since Taehyung was right; there wasn’t anything the members could do to help or hinder the situation. He understood from Taehyung’s reasoning why he was avoiding eating for the moment, and would rather skip the food until later.  
“You’ll eat tonight after filming?”   
“I’ll eat tonight,” Taehyung swore.  
Jin stared at Taehyung for a moment, realizing there was nothing more to promise. He took a step forward and gave Taehyung a soulful hug.   
“Come here, Kookie,” Jin commanded as he reached his arm out for Jungkook to come into the embrace.  
Jungkook accepted and wrapped his arms around the two. He had noticed Taehyung’s drastic weight loss, but he wasn’t informed by any of the others that Taehyung had been starving himself for weeks to avoid feeling sick.   
As the maknae, he was constantly left in the dark when it came to hardships the others were experiencing. He would notice when one of his hyung’s were struggling, but they never directly came to him for advice. Only on small occasions would Taehyung come to him to explain his worries while he just sat and listened to him. But Taehyung seemed to be more distant during the tour than usual, and not as playful like he used to be.

After a moment, Jungkook softly spoke with his face pressed lovingly against Jin’s shoulder, “I’m not sure why you guys came in here, but I really do have to pee.”  
Jin grunted an unexpected laugh at the kindhearted soul that was Jungkook. He broke free from the embrace to allow him the decency of relieving himself.

——————

As the seven members got the chance to tour the empty library freely, they branched out into several groups to explore the different levels.   
Namjoon and Yoongi went to the third floor where the collection of chess sets were stored. They were fascinated by the giant chess set with the grid board painted on the ground, leading them to take the opportunity to play a match against one another.

Jimin and Taehyung stayed on the first floor in the main building to listen to the curator speak about the Superman exhibit featured for the weekend. The lovely, older woman spoke emphatically about the character, allowing the inner ear translators to decipher everything she said so that the ‘95 line would be able to interpret and understand the language.

Jungkook and Hoseok made their way down to the tunnel passageway that connected the historical building to the newly developed Louis Stokes Wing. They found a giant chalkboard with unfinished sentences about the future some people had already filled in over time. Jungkook took a piece of chalk and proceeded to draw images of his answers on the board, allowing Hoseok to guess what he was answering through the illustrations.

Jin wandered the wings alone, trying to immerse himself in the beauty of the library architecture, even looking out the window at the beautiful Eastman Reading Garden; however, his mind was distracted at every opportunity.   
He continued to blankly stare at the exhibits, his eyes blind to the abstract objects in front of him while his mind was busy recalling the conversation he had with Taehyung in the bathroom.

Jin traipsed up the final flight of stairs and found Namjoon and Yoongi alone playing with the giant chess set.  
He walked over with his arms crossed and stood on the sidelines to watch the game play out.  
Namjoon glanced over at the new spectator of their game, but quickly lost his focus when he noticed Jin’s gloomy expression.  
“Jin-Hyung, what’s wrong?”  
Yoongi paused his strategic thoughts and looked over towards Jin to see the reason Namjoon questioned the eldest.  
Jin shook his head with despair and a heavy heart, then, unloaded his burden on the leader, “Taehyung didn’t eat anything at dinner.”  
Namjoon stepped away from the chess game and walked closer to Jin so their conversation wouldn’t be heard through echoing voices.   
Yoongi had informed the leader of the ordeal between himself, Jin and Taehyung nights ago, leading to the ultimatum being set for the younger.  
However, despite being aware of Taehyung’s actions, Namjoon gave him the benefit of the doubt to try to correct his ways before intervening.

“Did you confront him?”  
Jin nodded, “I told him I saw he took food, but then tossed it to the birds without ever taking a bite. He explained he didn’t want to eat and become sick since we still have to film for a few hours.”  
“Has he been feeling sick?” Namjoon questioned.  
“He told me he’s been feeling sick after nearly all of his meals.”  
“Why didn’t he say anything when I asked?” Yoongi interrupted, feeling dejected by the younger ignoring his best efforts.  
Jin sighed a saddening thought and answered, “he didn’t see the point since we can’t fix it for him. I guess he doesn’t want us to worry about it so he wasn’t honest.”  
“He’ll have to eat after filming, either when we go back to the house, or before, but he knows his end of the bargain.” Yoongi sternly said.  
“We’ll make sure he eats,” Namjoon confirmed in an attempt to relieve Jin of his despaired emotions and worries. He softly patted the eldest on the shoulder in an effort to reassure his Hyung that he’d be there to take some of his troubles away.  
Jin nodded but couldn’t get the anxious thoughts to leave his mind. Being the eldest, he took it upon himself to make sure the younger members were watched and cared for, whether it was healthy meals, or mental health, he strived to tend to everyone the same; even if it caused himself greater distress.

——————-

The group entered the literature wing where the comic books and mangas were stored alphabetically by author on recently dusted shelves.  
A table had been moved to the center of the room, and cameras were at the ready for filming.  
As the members took their seats around the table, they reminisced about the last time they played similar games on Rookie King when they were still young in their debut.

The director shuffled the deck of cards, fashioned with skulls and cross bones and purple hearts decorating accordingly, before delivering the rules for the deciding round.  
“This round will determine the dealer that is safe from all punishments,” the director explained as he handed the deck to Jimin whom proceeded to scatter the lot face down on the table.  
The members jutted out their lanky arms, grasping cards in hopes they’d flip the lucky heart to escape the game punishments for the event.  
As they looked steadily around with hands at the ready, Hoseok gave the count, “하, 둘, 셋!”  
Cards were slapped onto the table, revealing six skulls and one purple heart that was happily cheered for in front of it’s owner: Yoongi.

The ambitious Yoongi got up from his seat and moved to the head of the table as the dealer of punishment cards for the next round.

As the game began, members received their punishments at every hand:

Jimin had to drink a cup of lemon juice and whistle within five seconds: SUCCESS.

Hoseok had to kneel down on a massage mat while being handed multiple two kilogram bags: FAIL.

Hoseok, again, had to drink a mystery drink, revealing it was the notorious sand eel beverage the staff loved to prepare: FAIL.

Jimin, again, had to have members apply makeup to his face, in which he then had to take a selfie and post it to social media: SUCCESS.

Namjoon received the punishment of having wax strips applied to his legs and then ripped off by each member, minus Yoongi whom just spectated the fiasco: SUCCESS.

Jin and Jungkook received the dual punishment of having to wear pantyhose on their heads and stretching to reach candles to be blown out in a hurry. The loser, Jin, whom couldn’t stop laughing long enough to gather a breath of air needed to blow out the candles, had to be spanked by the competitive winner, Jungkook: SUCCESS.

Up next was the punishment ‘Smoothie King’.  
Yoongi received the tall glass of a blended fast food burger meal, and took a whiff of the concoction. He immediately plugged his nose with his fingers and held the glass away from him, coughing out the assault of scent from his lungs.  
The others laughed, but were leery of getting the punishment.  
Yoongi dealt the cards to each awaiting victim, and gave the count, “하, 둘, 셋!”  
A slap of cards as they hit the table, revealing the lone skull laying in front of Taehyung. He covered his face and grimaced at the idea of drinking the blended atrocity moving across the table towards him.  
He couldn’t refuse the drink like he wanted to; the same way he was able to with dinner. With cameras filming, Taehyung knew he had to attempt to drink the beverage.  
He picked up the glass and heard the snickering emanating from Hoseok’s direction.  
He plugged his nose and let the cocktail of disgust run down his gullet. He could feel his gag reflex activate almost immediately, causing him to spit out what was in his mouth, and leaving a splatter of thick orange drink on the table in front of him.  
The members laughed as they watched Taehyung cover his snickering square mouth and wipe his lips clean of the remnants of food spilling down his chin. With Jin sitting across from him, some of the spittle had landed on his arm, leading him to hurl his chair backwards to escape the spray.  
While the members controlled their hooting and hollering, Taehyung was given paper towels to clean his face, and wipe the mess on the table.  
He continued to smile for the cameras as the perfect actor he had become; but inside, his mind was screaming with anxieties. He feared he would instantly become sick with the tiny amount of filth that got down his throat. He could feel the onset wave of nausea filling his stomach, slowly curdling and climbing it’s way up his esophagus, only to rest in the back of his throat where it made his mouth salivate with disgust.

The group was near the end of their game, and wrapping up filming after a few more rounds of gameplay, with the finale being ‘Revisiting the Past’.  
“Oh, this one doesn’t sound good,” Jin smirked, as he took the last card on the table.  
Yoongi gave the count and the six members flipped their cards face up.  
Everyone was dumbfounded as the entire table was scattered with skulls glaring up from the white backgrounds.  
“No one’s safe?” Jimin questioned looking around at the cards.  
“Yah! I knew this was going to be a disaster round!” Jin laughed with his windshield wiper guffaw.  
Yoongi’s gummy smile was the only one shining as he lifted the title paper to reveal the punishment hidden underneath on their game board.

‘Kissing Kin’

“Hobi-Hyung and Taehyungie have to kiss again?” Jimin guessed from the vague answer reveal; the image still fresh in his mind since the topic was brought up earlier in the day.  
The director made his announcement:  
“Either Taehyung-ssi and J-Hope-ssi can take one for the team and kiss each other, or all of the members will have to kiss Suga-ssi on the cheek.”

Let the anarchy ensue.

“Wait! I’m not safe?” Yoongi coughed dimly, slowly letting his smirk escape his face at the sudden realization of the rottenness of the staff.  
“V and Hope can kiss,” Jin laughed.  
“Hey, I don’t want to kiss Taehyungie again,” Hoseok interjected.  
“I don’t want to kiss Hobi-Hyung.... he drank sand eel,” Taehyung quietly muttered, feeling defeated this round.  
“You both have to kiss no matter what we choose,” Namjoon pointed out. “You either kiss each other, or you’re kissing Suga-Hyung.”  
“It’s different; one is on the lips and one is on the cheek,” Hoseok defended.  
“Let’s vote,” Namjoon commanded, leading the debate as a democracy.  
“I don’t want to vote; Taehyung and I will be outnumbered.”  
“Can I vote?” Yoongi joked. “I’m voting for you two to kiss.”   
“Yah! I can’t keep kissing Taehyungie. I’m never gonna be able to look at him again.”  
“We’re voting,” Namjoon announced to end the debate. “All for V and J-Hope to kiss?”  
Everyone’s hand darted into the air, minus the two in question.  
“Yah! Really? Nobody even sided with us?” Hoseok exclaimed.  
“I really don’t want to kiss Suga-Hyung,” Jimin joked.

The director spoke from behind the cameras:  
“Okay. The decision is to have a repeat kiss between J-Hope-ssi and Taehyung-ssi.”

“Yah! Really?” Hoseok exclaimed again.   
Everyone knew which way the voting would sway, including the two doomed to lock lips.  
“At least there isn’t lipstick this time,” Yoongi said, not helping to ease the two twirling minds.  
Taehyung and Hoseok got up from their seats and moved to the front of the table, closer to the cameras.  
“Hold hands!” Jungkook giggled.  
“Say something nice to each other,” Namjoon jeered.  
Hoseok grabbed onto Taehyung’s hands and looked at the younger in his eyes.  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok began then abruptly diverted his eyes towards the group as he began to crack under the anticipation.  
Hoseok had tears in his eyes finding the circumstance too funny not to laugh. His voice was now higher as he attempted to suppress his laughter long enough to speak.  
“Oh! Taehyungie. I’m sorry I drank sandeel.”  
The other members laughed at Hoseok’s humor.  
Taehyung smirked with his square smile and spoke quickly, “and I’m sorry I had the fast food smoothie.”  
The group overreacted with laughter.  
While everyone was losing composure at the ridiculous situation, Hoseok abruptly released Taehyung’s hands and grabbed his shoulders, pivoting him on the ball of his foot and allowing the weight of the kid to rest in his arms. Hoseok cleverly placed his hand over Taehyung’s mouth and kissed the skin on the back of his hand, hiding the slyness from the view as his back was facing each camera.  
He pushed Taehyung back up to his feet, but Taehyung took an immediate knee as he laughed with his mouth gaping open at Hoseok’s cunningness.  
“That scared me!” Taehyung laughed through tears as he wiped his eyes.

None of the members felt like exposing Hoseok’s trickery, feeling this was better for broadcasting.  
“Wah! Taehyungie,” Hoseok began as he patted the younger on the shoulder, “I don’t think I’ll be able to look at a burger and fries again without thinking of you.”  
“I don’t think I can look at you again,” Taehyung quipped, gathering his composure to finish filming the ending.

“Ready,” Yoongi began, “Bangtan on three. 하, 둘, 셋!”  
“달려라 방탄!”

—————————

It was now late in the evening, and the group was set to hop on the bus and drive back to Geneva towards their accommodations.  
“Are we going to eat anything?” Jin asked, knowing the road trip would be over an hour away and his appetite was now ravenous once again.  
“We will provide snacks on the bus, but we will be eating during a campfire back at Geneva since we have more filming to get done before calling it a night,” the director explained. “I will explain your next mission on the bus when we depart Cleveland.”

Taehyung was becoming more annoyed as the hours lingered on. He was desperate to get back to the house so he could get rid of the slop he sucked down unintentionally before it had a chance to cause him any pain. He knew the road trip would be over an hour away, and by that time, it would be too late to get rid of the contents in his stomach.  
Taehyung excused himself from the group to use the bathroom as the other members filed onto the bus.

After several minutes, Taehyung returned to the bus and took his seat next to Jin, having pulled his hood up and brushing his bangs over his eyes before climbing aboard.  
Jin eyeballed the younger and noticed the skin around his eyes was reddened with traces of bloodshot lines decorating the whites of his large eyes. He became concerned Taehyung may have been crying for some reason while away, but hesitated asking since he wasn’t sure if some cameras were still recording.  
He reached his hand out and placed it on Taehyung’s thigh, waiting for the younger to look over in his direction.  
As Taehyung’s attention shifted to the eldest, Jin mouthed, “you okay?” He didn’t want to speak aloud and bring attention to Taehyung’s blotchy face since cameras were in the midst of turning on.  
Taehyung nodded slightly and angled his body towards the window, away from Jin, leaving the elder’s hand to be brushed away with the rotation of his torso.

With cameras rolling, the director made the announcement of what their next mission would be for the VLive series:  
“With the theme of Anpanman, you will be writing letters and reading them to each other about what makes that individual superior in your eyes. You can write the letters now, during the ride as we will leave the lights on for you. Then you will read them during the campfire tonight.  
“The person you will write to will be the next person older than you, with Jin-ssi writing to the youngest. Same years will have Taehyung-ssi to Jimin-ssi, and J-Hope-ssi to RM-ssi.”

“Yah, I have the leader,” Hoseok exclaimed with jubilance. “He’s perfect in every way; my letter will become a novel.”  
“You want to switch?” Jin joked. “I have the Golden Maknae.”

The director passed out notepads and pens to the group so they could begin working on their letters.  
As the members snacked on gummies, boiled eggs, and soda, they passionately thought about their letters they were to write for each other.   
Some steadily wrote with ease, like it came naturally to idolize one another; others were distracted and moved to melodic pen tapping until an idea sparked in their mind.

The bus was, mainly quiet, minus a few whispers here and there, but most were focusing on their letters.  
Jin tried to write his letter for the maknae, but was distracted by another young blood sitting next to him. He watched Taehyung doodle on the side of his note paper, wondering if he was having trouble thinking of the perfect words; which seemed unusual since Taehyung normally wrote very well, especially when it came to his best friend, Jimin.

As Jin snacked on the gummies he was sharing with Jungkook, whom was sitting catty corner across from him, he took one from the pack and held it out towards Taehyung. The distracted youth looked at the brightly colored jelly held between Jin’s slender fingers, but shook his head in denial of the offered treat.  
Jin looked at Taehyung and gave a silent pleading expression asking Taehyung to eat something.  
He raised the gummy and offered it a second time, but Taehyung still didn’t accept the present.  
Jin rescinded the offer and sighed aloud.  
Yoongi looked up from his paper and turned around to side eye Jin whom was seated behind him. “Can’t think of what to write?” Yoongi half joked with the eldest.  
Jin faked a smirk and looked around the bus to see what everyone else was doing. He noticed Hoseok staring blankly out the window while biting his pen, and both Jimin and Jungkook drawing pictures on their note paper instead of writing.

“Director-nim, are we reading our letters right away when we get back?” Jimin preciously asked.  
“You will have a little bit of time while we set everything up,” the director explained.  
Production setup for a campfire, bringing in food, camera and microphone placement, and sound tests could take up to an hour or more, so the members had plenty of time to work on their letters later.  
“There’s a possibility we’ll have to postpone the campfire since there’s a lake effect rainstorm heading towards the area, but we’ll keep to the planned schedule for now.”

Jimin lowered his pen and turned to Yoongi whom was seated next to him, “that’s good, I’m starting to get motion sickness from writing.”  
“I’m going to sleep for the ride if we have time back at the house to write,” Yoongi denounced.

As other members followed suit, hunkering down in their seats and propping their heads against neck pillows, Jin watched Taehyung continue to tap his pen quietly against his note pad, looking like he was lost in thought and unable to focus on the task at hand.   
He was concerned for the kid, and his empathy was getting the best of his emotions now.   
He couldn’t imagine how frustrating life would be if everything he attempted to eat made him sick to his stomach, and to add on a busy touring schedule, promotions, interviews, and meet and greets? He understood why Taehyung went to such drastic measures to cure his desperations. He probably would have done the same thing, especially with the timing, considering they were in the midst of the comeback when he suddenly became ill.

Jin laid his notepad and pen onto the floor next to his seat, deciding to write once he got off the bus. His restless mind was only focused on Taehyung.  
He lifted his arm and angled his body so he could easily reach Taehyung’s back where he proceeded to rub a heavy hand against the fabric of his shirt.  
Taehyung, whom was leaning forward in his seat, tilted his head to look at his Hyung while he mindlessly bit at his thumbnail.  
“Are you done writing?” Taehyung sheepishly asked.  
Jin shook his head, “no, I’m gonna write it back at the house where I can focus. What about you?”  
Taehyung shrugged, “I can’t think of how to write this.”

Jin wanted to talk to Taehyung more, but several cameras were still filming for the chance to pick up bonus content that would be uploaded later, so he was careful of what he said to not embarrass the younger.  
He leaned over and picked up his pen and paper and scribbled down a sentence. Then he wrapped his arm around Taehyung’s shoulder and pulled him in to lean on him. He angled the notepad so Taehyung could read what he had just written:  
‘Are you feeling okay?’  
Taehyung laid his notepad on his thigh and wrote his response:  
‘I don’t want to film anymore.’  
Jin was minorly shocked when he saw more writing than just a brush off ‘yes’ answer that he assumed would be written. His sympathetic heart ached for the young male.  
The scribbling of the pen etched upon the paper:  
‘Not feeling well?’  
‘I’m getting really tired.’  
Jin wasn’t sure if the statement meant their usual form of becoming tired from being active in their busy schedule, tired from the long day and he doesn’t want to talk anymore, or tired from his lack of nourishment taking a toll on his frail body.  
Jin wrote again:  
‘Did you cry in the bathroom? Your eyes were red.’  
Taehyung looked sullen at the sentence Jin had wrote. He deeply inhaled, unsure of how to respond.   
He hovered his pen over the paper with trembling fingers.  
Jin observed the shakiness of Taehyung’s hand and firmly rubbed up and down the length of Taehyung’s arm to help sooth the kid.  
Taehyung pressed the pen down and let the ink flow:  
‘I threw up.’  
Jin felt nauseous himself after reading the sentence. He was torn between wanting to leap out of his seat to hug Taehyung and tell him everything would be okay, but he was a prisoner to the running cameras at the front of the bus, leaving him only to lean his head onto the younger to console in secrecy.  
‘What made you sick?’  
Jin couldn’t remember Taehyung eating, and even pointed out that he had skipped his meal with the group before switching locations earlier.  
‘Smoothie.’ Taehyung simply wrote.  
Jin had completely forgotten about the smoothie, despite being the one that got sprayed when the younger spat it across the table.  
Jin pieced the puzzle together, realizing the puffy, red eyes were from the force of retching; his pale skin, and trembling fingers were also from fluid loss.  
Jin didn’t know what to do at that moment. Between filming for their series, and knowing Taehyung had been ill, he felt stuck between remaining professional for business purposes, and wanting to throw everything away just so he could tell Taehyung they were going to the hospital to get an answer on what’s making him chronically ill.  
Jin finally wrote:  
‘I’m sorry. I wish I could do something for you right now.’  
Taehyung didn’t want to burden the others with what he was doing, or how he was handling the situation regarding his illness, so he quickly scribbled a message:  
‘It’s okay. I’m used to it now.’  
Jin read the note and knew this was the end of Taehyung opening up to him. He would sacrifice his happiness to make sure the others felt joy, even leading him to keep secrets as long as the others were doing well.  
Jin didn’t write anymore, but continued to trace his hands along the fabric of Taehyung’s hoody for the remainder of the ride. He was burdened at the moment, unsure of what to do. So he quietly kept it to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> •하, 둘, 셋 (ha, dul, set) is the shortened version of one, two, three in Korean. ‘Ha’ is shortened from ‘Hana’.  
> •달려라 방탄! (Dallyeora Bangtan!) is the cheer BTS yell during their Run BTS series. It means ‘Run Bangtan’ in Korean.


	10. Make it Right (EXPLICIT)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 🎶I could make it better  
> I could hold you tighter  
> 그 먼 길 위에서  
> Oh you're the light🎶
> 
> Jungkook softly sung the small verse with his lips grazing Taehyung’s neck as he held him to his chest.  
> The tears suddenly filled Taehyung’s weary eyes without warning, cascading down as he tightly winced with heartache listening to the soft, soothing vocals of the maknae

“We’re going to have to postpone the campfire until tomorrow as it is currently raining at the house,” the director announced to the group after receiving a call from editors back at the hotel near the rental property.  
“You’ll have the evening to yourselves to decide sleeping arrangements and finish your letters once we arrive.”

Most of the members were glad to have the evening free to rest, finally. They had a busy day and hardly a chance to visit the house after departing the airport early that morning.  
“How are we going to choose rooms?” Jimin asked to whomever was still awake on the bus.  
“How many rooms are there?” Jin asked.  
“I think I saw three when we dropped off our luggage,” Jungkook responded.  
“Double beds, or singles?” Jin asked the youngest, whom was the only one that scouted out the rooms before departing for their adventure.  
“One has two queen beds, another has two twin beds, and one is a single king.”  
“We should make everyone sleeping right now stay in the single bed room,” Jin evilly laughed.  
“That’d put the rap line all together...it’d be like Canada again,” Jungkook hooted.  
“Should we do walk ins to decide like usual?” Jimin asked, not feeling creative enough to think of anything different.  
“I don’t care who I sleep with; I just want to sleep in a bed, or on the sofa,” Jungkook chimed in with his easy going personality.  
“We should go with the one you have to write your letter to, ending with the oldest,” Jin said and then hesitated to see if the others caught on to his scheme.  
“Hey! That means you’d get the single to yourself!” Jungkook announced after realizing Jin’s plan.  
“Taehyungie, you want to share rooms?” Jimin asked his friend.  
“I’m fine with wherever,” Taehyung mentioned without a care. He was relieved to not have the campfire tonight, but now dinner with Jin was the focus on his mind.  
“Hobi and Namjoon-ah can take the singles in one room,” Jin pointed out.   
He slightly raised his voice, but gave little effort to let it get loud as he angled his head in the direction towards the leader, fast asleep on the bus, “Namjoon-ah.... Hobi.... if you don’t want to sleep in the same room, speak now.... No objections? Okay then.” He comically turned back to the maknae line to finish his decision, “they’re okay with taking the small beds together.”  
The three youngest laughed at Jin’s antics, allowing the mood to stay relaxed on the bus.  
“You three want to take the double queens and I’ll take the king with Yoongi?” Jin asked the three members still awake.  
“You don’t want the one bed by yourself?” Jimin asked.  
“No. This way everyone has someone to share with, so it’s fair. One of you three will get a bed to yourself, though.”  
Jimin looked at Jungkook across the aisle and then cocked his head to look at Taehyung.   
“One hugs in his sleep and the other hogs the center of the bed.”  
“Put them together,” Jin laughed. “They’ll just both lay on top of each other by morning.”  
“I don’t care,” Jungkook stated with no disposition to decide on his own.  
“We’ll be here for a week,” Taehyung pointed out, “we can alternate who gets to sleep alone each night.”  
“There you go, Taehyungie,” Jin commended with a pat on the younger’s thigh.  
“Kookie, you can have the bed and Taehyungie and I will share tonight,” Jimin told the younger.  
“That’s fine,” Jungkook honestly did not care if he was alone or with someone. After traveling to so many hotels over the course of their debut until now, Jungkook had shared a bed with all of the members multiple times.  
Jin leaned back in his seat and raised his leg up to stretch it out against the seat Jimin was sitting in. “Won’t those three be surprised when they find out their sleeping arrangements have already been set,” Jin chortled, referring to the unconscious rap line that had no say so in deliberations.

——————

After dinner, Jungkook laid down on the single bed he decided to inhabit for the night. He reclined his arms behind his head and gave a deep stretch to release his tight muscles. He came into the room to get a shower, but wanted a brief rest before finishing up his evening routine, even though laying his dirty body on top of the clean bed riled his mind.

While laying motionless in the bed, Jungkook heard the bathroom door close and the shower come on; however, what he heard next emanating from the closed room caused his curiosity to peak.  
Jungkook rolled to his side and leaned forward to listen better to the mysterious sounds muffled behind the door. He could hear the faint gagging tones of one of the members getting sick hidden amongst the sounds of the shower water running. He didn’t think anybody seemed ill earlier during the quick dinner they had together, but he was especially concerned for the member succumbing to illness in the moment.

Jungkook got up from the bed after deciding to check to see if the mystery member was okay and walked in on the person in question.   
He was flabbergasted to discover Taehyung knuckle deep in his throat and hunched over the toilet bowl.  
Jungkook flinched at the sudden outburst as Taehyung turned towards him and screamed at the top of his lungs to get out. With vomit covering the nimble fingers and tears spilling from the elder’s eyes, Jungkook quickly turned and shut the door behind him as instructed. He felt lost not knowing how to handle what he just witnessed his Hyung doing.  
He wasn’t even sure if what he saw could be true.

The maknae decided to wait in the bedroom, after the sharp tongue scolding delivered from his Hyung, planning to confront him.  
He tore off his tight jeans, revealing comfy black boxers, allowing the cool, air conditioned breeze to nip at his sweaty skin. He removed his black T-shirt, as well, and draped it over the computer chair in the corner of the room.  
As he crawled into the bed and pulled the sheet up over his torso, he heard the faucet sink begin to run, and the shower turn off.   
He wasn’t sure how Taehyung would react to his attempts to talk to him about his discovery, especially after yelling with such ferocity and desperation in his voice, but he had to try.  
He wanted to understand, and talking was the only way in doing so.

Taehyung opened the bathroom door and flicked the light off. His breathing was labored with deep inhales, and exhales that shook like a heartbeat. His head was dizzy and floating from the recent event, and he felt like he would faint at any moment.  
As he waited for his eyes to adjust to the shadow ladened room, he was caught off guard by the soft sound of Jungkook’s coo.  
“Hyung?”  
Taehyung looked towards the bed and saw Jungkook occupying the majority of a mattress. The younger member lifted the cover and patted his hand on the empty space next to him, beckoning the older boy to lay with him.  
Taehyung raised his arm and rubbed the back of his head, tugging on his hair. He was torn with wanting to go to bed from sheer exhaustion, but not wanting to deal with anything Jungkook may question him about.  
“Hyung, come lay with me,” Jungkook soothingly commanded.  
Taehyung heaved a sigh, presuming to give up the struggle and cease hiding anymore secrets from the maknae. He crossed the dark room and made his way towards the bed.  
Jungkook lifted the sheet, allowing Taehyung to roll into the empty space facing away from him. The younger quickly wrapped his heavy arm around Taehyung’s body and breathed in the scent of his freshly washed skin.   
The exhale from Jungkook’s lips tickled Taehyung’s sensitive skin, sending prickling goose flesh all over his body, and chills up and down his spine.  
“You smell good,” Jungkook said, making an effort to break the ice; but the older male made no attempt to respond.

As the two boys laid together awkwardly in silence,Jungkook squeezed his Hyung tighter as he softly sang a brief chorus into his ear:

🎶I could make it better  
I could hold you tighter  
그 먼 길 위에서  
Oh you're the light🎶

Jungkook softly sung the small verse with his lips grazing Taehyung’s neck as he held him flush against his chest.  
The tears suddenly welled in Taehyung’s weary eyes without warning, cascading down as he tightly winced with heartache listening to the soft, soothing vocals of the maknae.   
So many emotions overflowed the metaphorical bottle he kept hidden, and the hurt he felt from hiding everything from Jungkook and the other members ripped apart his strength until there was nothing left.   
He desperately wanted to stop fighting.

“Hyung, are you crying?” Jungkook innocently asked as he could feel the older male tense his muscles against his hands.  
Taehyung’s long, thin fingers covered his teary eyes as he attempted to lurch forward off the bed from the warmth of his dongsaeng to flee the oncoming worrying barrage of questions.  
Jungkook tightened his grip on the elder, using his strength to still Taehyung against his bare chest. His warm hand pressed firmly against Taehyung’s breast bone, allowing him the pleasure to feel Taehyung’s thumping heartbeat.  
“No! Don’t go!” Jungkook demanded while wrapping his arms tightly around Taehyung’s lithe body. He pressed an innocent peck against the side of Taehyung’s thin neck and deeply inhaled his clean scent.  
“Just stay. I promise I’ll make things better, at least for tonight. Just don’t leave me.”  
Jungkook listened to Taehyung’s muffled, hot breaths as the elder attempted to hold back his emotions. He allowed him the time he needed to feel the emotions he had stored away from society to put on a brave front.  
The youngest reached a soothing hand out to caress the reddened skin on Taehyung’s face, softly stroking the chapped skin with his fingertips. He sat in silence, allowing Taehyung the time he needed to expel the tears he had been holding back.  
“It’s okay, hyung,” Jungkook whispered lovingly while holding Taehyung in his arms, “I’ve got you.”

Jungkook was burdened to a numbing worry. He couldn’t fathom what was driving Taehyung to go to such extremes as to purging his own dinner.   
Was he that concerned with weight loss that he took drastic measures to prevent any weight gain?   
Taehyung was always slim, and was one of the lightest members amongst the team, but he couldn’t recollect him, or anyone, mentioning his size at any point to instill the need to lose weight with such dire ways.  
He had told Jin earlier that he skipped eating because he was worried about getting sick, but he was making himself sick anyway. Jungkook was beyond confused by the contradictory statements and actions he witnessed his Hyung following through with, but he wasn’t able to get an answer from his hyung whenever he asked him about it.

Jungkook released an arm and proceeded to massage Taehyung’s tight muscles, beginning near the base of his neck and moving his fingers slowly down his spine.  
As he moved his attentive fingers along Taehyung’s back, he slowly traced each rib through the thick fabric of his hoody with curiosity looming from the touch.  
"Hyung," Jungkook stated rather than questioned.  
"Hmm?" Taehyung hazily responded. He was comforted by the maknae's warmth and security and couldn't help but feel relaxed near immediately after releasing the heavy burden of tears he had been bottling up.  
"You need to eat."  
Taehyung stirred slightly with animosity, attempting to lean forward to create distance between himself and the maknae.  
"I did eat. We had dinner together." He continued shifting forward, but was quickly pulled back into the warm embrace, extinguishing the distance he had created.  
"No. I mean, you need to eat and not throw up." Jungkook paused for a moment to see Taehyung’s reaction, then continued. "I saw you making yourself sick."  
Taehyung quietly spoke in his hazy state, "I just didn't feel good. That's all, Kookie. I'm fine." He patted a loose hand on Jungkook's arm laying across his chest to reassure his lie.  
“Hyung, please talk to me?” Jungkook requested a second time as he tapped soft fingertips onto Taehyung’s bony chest. He whispered assuringly to his elder to help coax him into releasing his stress he had been tucking away.  
“Why were you making yourself sick in the bathroom?”  
Taehyung felt a blanket of guilt envelop him with Jungkook’s question. He knew he had been caught, but his desperation had overcome him and he still persisted with his falsities.  
“Please tell me it’s not what I believe it to be,” Jungkook pleaded in a matter-of-fact way of questioning. “Are you bulimic?”  
“-NO!” Taehyung rejected. He didn’t even want to hear that illness mentioned. His face contorted with a furrowed brow of anger at his denial that anything was wrong.  
“....I wasn’t feeling well,” Taehyung announced with discerning anguish.   
Jungkook froze at Taehyung’s denied outburst, and resumed to just holding onto his Hyung for the moment and softly scratching his fingernails near the skin of his collarbone, hoping the situation and feelings of remorse would dissipate upon further rest.

The moment of calm was lost once again, when the maknae broke the silence with his sudden declaration, “I’m going to tell Namjoon-Hyung,” he announced softly but firm with his decision. “I’m not going to ignore this.”  
“Kookie, it’s just my illness. It’s nothing. Honestly,” Taehyung protested, not wanting to be forced to eat anymore by watchful eyes.  
“If it’s nothing than it won’t matter if I tell him or not. And if you’re sick again, anyway, you’re supposed to tell them. Why aren’t you?”  
“Because I can handle it myself. I don’t need anybody’s help.”  
“Yes you do!”  
A silence fell amongst the two youngest with Jungkook’s heated rise in volume.

“I’m leaving,” Taehyung said as he tried to pry himself from Jungkook’s forceful hold.  
“No! I’m sorry,” Jungkook quickly apologized as he held onto Taehyung with a tight grip. He wasn’t ready to let him go, yet.  
Jungkook pulled Taehyung in and laid his chin on the elder’s neck, allowing his lips to part next to his ear. His breathy whisper filled Taehyung’s eardrums as the hot air flowed from his moistened lips, “stay with me, Hyung. Please don’t leave me. I’m sorry. I won’t say anymore about this.”  
He felt Taehyung’s heartbeat race against the pressure of his hand as he spoke his words.

The youngest pressed his pout against Taehyung’s neck, releasing a long kiss on the clammy skin decorated with beads of sweat. He glided his fingers under Taehyung’s chin and coaxed the elder to angle his face upwards so he could lean in and leave a second kiss on his sharp jawline near the sensitive part of his throat.  
Taehyung’s exhale came out as a gasp when he felt Jungkook’s heavy hand caress down the side of his neck, holding him steady as he continued to leave lingering kisses from his jawline, against the side of his neck, and brushing his collarbone.  
Taehyung reached his arm back to wrap it around Jungkook’s neck while the younger continued leaving marks on his delicate skin. He tangled his fingers through Jungkook’s long hair while he allowed the maknae to express his love on his exposed skin.  
Jungkook released Taehyung’s chin and glided his hand down over the elder’s hooded chest until he reached the hem of the fabric. As his intrigued fingers lifted the material slightly so he could touch flesh, he felt Taehyung’s stomach flex and quiver in anticipation of the roaming sensitive touching.  
Taehyung’s breathing labored and a deep moan escaped past his lips as he bit down on his pout. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against Jungkook’s shoulder to expose his vulnerable neck for more attention from the maknae.  
Jungkook eagerly rubbed his hand up the taut skin on Taehyung’s stomach, gliding it up to caress the sensitive area around his aroused nipple, as Taehyung sensually gyrated against Jungkook’s groin.  
The younger’s curious fingers danced across Taehyung’s flesh, reaching now for the waistband of the elder’s pants. He created a gap by pressing lightly against Taehyung’s tight stomach to pop the elastic above his fingertips before scratching his nails down under the waistband.  
“Stop!” Taehyung gasped as he darted his hand against his pants and pressed Jungkook’s palm flat to still its movements. His breathing was labored with ecstasy induced stimulation from the younger, causing him to pant heavily as he forced a dry swallow.  
“What’s wrong?” Jungkook moaned as he ground his hips against Taehyung’s backside.   
He kissed longingly against Taehyung’s neck, not wanting to be taken out of the sensual moment.

When Taehyung didn’t attempt to inhibit his actions further, Jungkook hastened his hand again, moving to spread his fingers to allow Taehyung’s stiff member to be stroked in a teasing manner.  
At the sensitive touch, Taehyung grasped Jungkook’s wrist and made a furtive attempt to pull his hand out from his waistband, but Jungkook was stronger and hardly struggled to continue feeling Taehyung’s firm erection.  
“Kook, stop!” Taehyung said in a breathy voice, slowly coming to his senses.  
“Tell me why,” Jungkook said before softly nipping the skin on Taehyung’s neck.   
He squeezed him tighter against his chest so Taehyung could feel the massive erection he dug between his thighs. 

Taehyung’s mind was swimming with lust for the younger, but he felt undeserving of the intimacy shared between them after reacting so coldly towards the Maknae.  
He didn’t deserve anyone’s love anymore.  
He was disgusting filth.  
He was garbage.

Jungkook removed his hand from Taehyung’s pants, for the moment, only long enough to collect the elder’s hands and pin them down against his chest with the other, freeing his hand to slide back down the elder’s sweat slick torso and under the elastic waistband without another interruption.   
He bluntly seized Taehyung’s member in his hand, skipping the teasing foreplay, and pumped his masculine grip along the shaft to induce euphoric pleasure.  
Taehyung flinched sharply with passion and kicked his head back against Jungkook’s shoulder, revealing his quaking adam’s apple in his throat that danced with the sudden want to scream.   
With Taehyung’s eyes tightly closed, and his mouth gaping with breathy gasps, a deep, throaty moan escaped his lips in ecstasy as he cocked his head once more against Jungkook’s neck to nuzzle his cheek in the maknae’s soft hair, causing Jungkook’s erection to throb harder with anticipation.  
Taehyung moaned again, but insisted, “Stop, now!” His tone was a bit harsher considering the younger was ignoring him by increasing his lustful movements; pumping his fist even faster, allowing the bitter juices to lubricate his fingers and decrease the friction.  
“Relax,” Jungkook breathily whispered as he leaned in to kiss the sensitive skin of Taehyung’s throat. He continued the movement with his hand, noticing the gliding slickness becoming easier with the lubrication of precum dripping over his fingers.  
“Stop!” Taehyung yelped when Jungkook proceeded to rub past his member with his fingertips to the soft, tensing skin between his thighs.   
“No! Kook! Stop!” Taehyung gasped with desperate pleas.  
Jungkook hushed as he exhaled deeply against Taehyung’s skin, “shhh, just relax. I’ll make you feel good.”  
The younger male rubbed a slick finger on Taehyung’s entrance, applying pressure lightly to break the seal and proceed to enter.  
“Stop! Stop!” Taehyung shrieked as he tugged on his wrists, but finding no release from the younger’s tight hold.  
Jungkook continued to slide his finger in and out, but remained slower than desired as he felt the elder’s muscles flexing relentlessly.  
“Hyung, relax,” Jungkook coaxed, leading Taehyung to instinctively flex as his heart thumped with lust when the younger spoke so erotically.  
Jungkook lifted his leg and wrapped it around Taehyung’s to pull his thighs apart and resist the clenching upon his roaming hand as it played.  
“Stop! Please, Kook!” Taehyung begged, but his body wasn’t matching his words as he gyrated his hips against Jungkook’s hand that was exploring his manhood.  
The younger pressed his finger in further until he was completely inside his hyung. He kissed Taehyung’s quaking throat as he allowed his elder to thrust his hips and use his digit as he pleased.  
“Kook, please,” Taehyung whined in pleasure.  
His body was open to the sexual exploration, was his mind was sick and not wanting any part of the experience.  
Jungkook pulled his finger nearly the entire length free from Taehyung’s entrance, only to insert a second finger and plunge it deep in again.  
Taehyung’s voice caught with a moan from the physical sensation.  
He was becoming angry with his body disobeying his objections from his mind, and wanted to stop. But with his body displaying physical feedback from the sexual tension, Taehyung knew Jungkook wouldn’t stop his actions.

The elder had managed to untangle one of his hands free from it’s hindering clutches of the younger, and hastily halted Jungkook’s hand that was at the ready to intrude on his entrance.  
Jungkook suddenly became annoyed in his aroused state and forcefully grabbed ahold of Taehyung’s arm.  
“Let go of me!” Taehyung began to yell back after feeling the painful grip on his arm. He used his other hand in a futile attempt to pull Jungkook’s grip from his arm, but this only angered the aroused male even more.  
Jungkook grabbed Taehyung’s wrist roughly and slammed them against the bed above his head, causing Taehyung to rotate to his back from the force. Jungkook swept his leg over Taehyung’s body to straddle him and pinned him down with his weight.   
Taehyung could see the tensed muscles in Jungkook’s abdomen flex as the younger pressed firmly against his resistance forcefully with both hands clasping sharply against the skin on his wrists.   
While he adjusted his hips to comfortably straddle Taehyung without feeling the sharp hip bones grinding into his thighs, he noticed the fearful look in the elder’s eyes as he stared up at him in shock.  
“Jungkook, stop!” Taehyung cried out in trepidation, never seeing the maknae with such rage behind his expression. He knew Jungkook could overpower any of the members by brute force alone, and in his weakened state from starvation and his most recent purge, he had no chance in defending himself against the drunken lust.

“You’re hurting me,” Taehyung cried out.  
“You hurt me!” Jungkook quickly retorted.

When he watched the elders struggle in their hardships, he experienced immaculate grief since he wasn’t sure how to aide them in their problems or burdens. And with watching Taehyung slowly destroy his life, Jungkook couldn’t stand the deep emotional pain he felt daily. He desperately wanted to fix the situation for his Hyung, but the simple fact was, he couldn’t; especially when he kept secrets from him.  
“Hyung, you’re destroying yourself!” Jungkook shouted with tears beginning to form as he leaned his heavy weight against Taehyung’s wrists, causing the fragile hands to turn blue from the lack of circulation.  
“Let go of me, Jungkook-ah!” Taehyung cautiously said.  
Jungkook held onto the elder in a clutching grip with tears now running down his face as he pleaded. "Please, Hyung! I'm begging you, please stop this! I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore! I want you to be around for longer than what you will be if-"  
A hitch in his voice disrupted his sentence as he caught a breath while trying to hold back the flow of emotions.  
“Kookie, let go of me,” Taehyung said with more calmness, trying to diffuse the situation in hopes Jungkook would release him before things became violent. His wrists and hands were being crushed by Jungkook’s fearsome strength, leading him to realize how much emotional pain the younger was dealing with as he expressed it through the physical force applied against his skin.

After seeing the pain in Jungkook’s watering eyes, Taehyung’s guilt started to overwhelm him greater than before.   
He didn’t want to see the pain he was causing his members.   
He almost felt deserving of Jungkook’s outrage and the physical pain emitted from the younger.  
He shouldn’t have been so selfish.

“Please just let me go,” Taehyung requested a second time.  
“No! I don’t want you leaving me,” Jungkook said as he bent down and laid his heavy body on top of Taehyung.   
He released the thin, bruised wrists, and wrapped his arms around his hyung’s back, pressing the side of his face onto Taehyung’s neck and letting his lips softly kiss the salty skin near the elder’s collarbone.  
While being caught off guard by Jungkook’s softness now, Taehyung reciprocated the hug by draping his thin arms around his dongsaeng’s neck and softly rubbing the skin down his broad back to ease the tension. He could feel the tears of regret beginning to burn.  
“It’s okay, Kookie,” Taehyung hushed with an intimidating fear lingering on his voice, “I won’t leave you tonight. We can just go to sleep and forget this happened.”

Normally, Taehyung would have been open to the youngest member’s adoring touch, but under the circumstances preceding the night, he was, unfortunately, removed from feeling emotionally open to love, despite what his body displayed in physical arousal.  
He felt guilty for leading Jungkook into a misunderstanding that he was looking for more than just sleep that night.

“Hyung,” Jungkook’s hot breath tickled Taehyung’s skin, sending chills throughout his body for a second passing.   
However, he was still on edge after seeing Jungkook switch to anger so quickly and get physically rough with him.  
Jungkook’s voice was strong, but he couldn’t hide the escape of a sniffle while he spoke, “please tell me what is wrong with you. I’ll listen to anything you need to say.”  
“I don’t need anything from you. I’m fine.” Taehyung, especially, didn’t want to involve the maknae in his predicament. He was meant to take care of the younger, but he had been so obsessed with avoiding food, that he hadn’t been able to attend to Jungkook’s needs.

The maknae reared up onto his heels in a second wave of anger beginning to blossom.   
He swiftly swiped at Taehyung’s clothing to expose his soft, sunken skin and emaciated form.  
“You’re not fine when you look this way! It hurts me to even look at you anymore! I can’t even touch you without thinking about how delicate you’ve become and that I’ll hurt you!”   
The words stung, but it was too late; what was said was out now.  
Taehyung cautiously smoothed the fabric of his hoody down to hide his body from the maknae. Jungkook solemnly watched the motion as his emotions swirled deep inside him in a confusing symphony.  
“Why won’t you talk to me?” Jungkook spoke, sounding defeated.  
“I will talk to you, just not about this.” Taehyung placed his hands on Jungkook’s muscular thighs and softly scratched his fingertips against the exposed skin. He was severely on edge and actually fearful that Jungkook would strike him in his heated state if he didn’t diffuse the situation.  
He wasn’t a violent individual, but he did experience moments of displaying a short temper that seemed out of sorts for the situation present that lead the older boy to believe this.  
With how much of a disappointing burden he had become for the others, he wouldn’t have found Jungkook to be out of line if he did haul off and beat him for his stupidity and annoyance.

As jungkook reached out and cupped his hands around Taehyung’s to still their movement against his thighs, he spoke unwavering, “I’m not going to stand by and watch you do this to yourself anymore. I promise to protect you, no matter what.... even if it’s from yourself.”

Jungkook spoke boldly to someone older than himself, but he meant every word that left his lips.  
Taehyung couldnt help but feel butterflies flutter in his stomach while listening to Jungkook articulate his battle to save the one he cared for so passionately. His maturity had grown exponentially throughout the years since debut.  
Jungkook released Taehyung’s hands and allowed them to fall against his legs.   
He gave one last pleading look towards his Hyung before crawling off the bed and grabbing his T-shirt from the computer chair. As he pulled the shirt over his head and adjusted the hem, he looked back towards Taehyung, noticing he was watching his every move with an upsetting expression veiling his flawless features.

Jungkook walked back over to the side of the bed and leaned down until his forehead touched Taehyung’s. The elder reached his hand up to cup the nape of Jungkook’s nape, eagerly aching for the maknae to lay back down and not leave him alone.

Jungkook spoke quietly as he held onto Taehyung’s side, gripping his flesh with a burning love, “just because I’m leaving right now does not mean I’m mad or anything. I just need a moment to clear my head and then I’ll be back.”   
Jungkook didn’t want Taehyung to feel rejected with his exit, so he felt the need to reassure him of his reasons for abruptly getting up. He really did love him, and nothing he did would ever change his feelings. 

With his words falling on deaf ears, Jungkook turned and left the darkened room, leaving the older boy to lay alone with his guilty conscience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> •Hangul translation:  
> 그 먼 길 위에서  
> (On top of that far road)  
> 그 (that/those)  
> 먼 (distant)  
> 길 (road)  
> 위 (top)  
> ~에서 (preposition- on)
> 
> •I had to make it so only registered users could leave comments since I began to receive harassing comments from an individual on the last two chapter posts.  
> I have deleted the comments, so others won’t have to read them, but I just wanted to let those that wrote before I changed it that were not registered, this is the reason you will be unable to comment in the future.  
> I don’t want to turn off commenting entirely since I do value interacting with those here to simply read a fictional story.  
> Stay well, everyone.   
> Do not let one person’s aggravation sully your mood. 💜💚


	11. Am I Wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon could tell Jungkook was getting flustered with what was on his mind and could see the panic building up in his quick, agitated movements and staggered pacing.  
> “I can leave, Jungkookie. It’s fine,” Hoseok said as he went to grab his phone from the nightstand.  
> “No, I just.... I-I ... I don’t know what to do!”   
> Namjoon got up from his seat and crossed the room to reach Jungkook. He placed a hand softly on the younger’s shoulder and leaned in slightly so he could look into the youngest’s eyes.   
> Jungkook rubbed furiously at the back of his head like he was trying to wring the thoughts out. His breathing was even more labored with the impending secret he was about to blurt out that wasn’t his to admit. He almost felt like he was betraying Taehyung for going behind his back, but he had warned him of his plans.  
> “What’s going on, Jungkook?” Namjoon spoke in a loving, concerned tone.  
> Jungkook looked up with tears reddening his eyes, catching both Namjoon and Hoseok by surprise.  
> “It’s V-Hyung,” Jungkook began with a tear escaping down his cheek.

Jungkook went to search for Namjoon in his shared room with Hoseok down the hall.   
He lightly knocked on the door and waited for someone inside to answer. He forced to suppress his emotions in order to speak formally to his leader, but he could feel the fire building inside him.

After a moment, Hoseok opened the door. Jungkook tried to fake a smile, but he could tell his expression was off when Hoseok’s smile dissipated and he appeared concerned.  
“What’s wrong?” Hoseok immediately asked the maknae, noticing he was only in his boxers and T-shirt from earlier.  
“Hobi-Hyung, is Namjoon-Hyung inside?”   
“Yeah, he’s here. Is everything alright?”  
“Umm... I-I don’t know,” Jungkook stuttered, unsure if he wanted a private conversation with just the leader, or if he just wanted to confide in anyone that would listen to unload everything troubling his mind.  
“Is that Jungkook?”   
Namjoon’s voice could be heard from deep inside the room.  
Hoseok twisted to allow the youngest to pass through the doorway and go find the one member he was searching for. 

He rounded the corner to find Namjoon sitting at the desk with his laptop open and working on composing more music.   
Namjoon looked up at Jungkook’s concerned expression and pressed his laptop screen down to provide the youngest with his full attention.  
“What’s wrong, Jungkook?” Namjoon asked as he rotated his seat to face the maknae that now stood in the center of the room and was tugging at his lung hair with fretful fingers.  
Hoseok came up behind Jungkook, curious to what he had to say. He brushed his hand through Jungkook’s long hair to inhibit the younger’s frantic scratching, eventually settling at the nape of his neck where he proceeded to squeeze the tense muscles in an effort to relax the upset maknae.  
“Umm, I don’t know how to say this,” Jungkook stammered once more, scratching at his scalp nervously again, feeling like he was going to explode if he didn’t blurt out his feelings all at once.  
“Do you want to talk in private?” Namjoon asked, thinking he didn’t want Hoseok to hear whatever was bothering him.   
Jungkook rarely seemed agitated to the point where he couldn’t speak openly with the older members, but Namjoon wanted him to feel comfortable in anyway, especially if it was something personal.  
“I don’t know! Umm, I just-,” he cut himself off as he looked back at Hoseok, catching his breath in a nervous hiccup as he felt the pressure from what he had to say growing steadily the more time passed. He could feel his breathing start to turn into hyperventilated inhales as he panicked, wondering if what he was about to do would be seen as abandoning his friendship with Taehyung. But he really wanted to do what he thought was best for his hyung’s health, despite how he would feel emotionally towards him later.

Namjoon could tell Jungkook was getting flustered with what was on his mind and could see the panic building up in his quick, agitated movements and staggered pacing.  
“I can leave, Jungkookie. It’s fine,” Hoseok said as he went to grab his phone from the nightstand.  
“No, I just.... I-I ... I don’t know what to do!”   
Namjoon got up from his seat and crossed the room to reach Jungkook. He placed a hand softly on the younger’s shoulder and leaned in slightly so he could look into the youngest’s eyes.   
Jungkook rubbed furiously at the back of his head like he was trying to wring the thoughts out. His breathing was even more labored with the impending secret he was about to blurt out that wasn’t his to admit. He almost felt like he was betraying Taehyung for going behind his back, but he had warned him of his plans.  
“What’s going on, Jungkook?” Namjoon spoke in a loving, concerned tone.  
Jungkook looked up with tears reddening his eyes, catching both Namjoon and Hoseok by surprise.  
“It’s V-Hyung,” Jungkook began with a tear escaping down his cheek. “I caught him throwing up in the bathroom after dinner. He was forcing himself to puke.”  
“Is Taehyungie sick again?” Hoseok asked, worried Taehyung wasn’t getting better from his illness.  
Namjoon closed his eyes while he spoke to his friend, “no; not in the way you’re asking.”  
Hoseok looked bewildered at the leader, confused what Taehyung could be sick from if not from his illness and why he would be forcing himself to be sick.  
“What are you saying?” Hoseok asked.  
Jungkook looked mystified at Namjoon, suddenly getting the notion that the leader had more information already concerning Taehyung than his admittance.

“Jin-Hyung came to me awhile ago about Taehyungie; him and Yoongi-Hyung, actually. They informed me of what Taehyungie had been doing during our comeback schedule.”  
“I don’t understand,” Hoseok reiterated to his friend. “What’s wrong with Taehyungie?”  
Namjoon motioned a hand towards the twin beds, “here, sit down.”  
Hoseok didn’t like the fact he had to sit down for this discussion. It was either going to be long winded, or rather grave news.

Jungkook took a seat on Hoseok’s bed, and Hobi sat close to him with his arm around his back to comfort the maknae, leaving the leader to sit across from them on his own bed.  
“Taehyung is sicker than what we expected. He apparently stopped eating awhile back since he thought food was making him sick, and he was afraid of becoming ill again during our comeback tour. Jin-Hyung had confronted him one night, and Yoongi-Hyung gave him an ultimatum to allow him to sing in the next part of Cypher in exchange for eating dinner with them every night.   
“Jin-Hyung told me Taehyungie said he was eating, but then started feeling sick again to the point of wanting to throw up.... but... I guess he began forcing himself to do it to relieve the nausea he was experiencing.” Namjoon sighed as he drew the unfathomable prospect as to how Taehyung was still losing weight, despite eating with the older members.  
“Oh, poor Taehyungie!” Hoseok exclaimed. “What do you plan on doing about this?”  
Namjoon gestured his hand in front of his face and shrugged before resting his chin on his balled fists. “I don’t know.”   
He looked up to his friend, feeling lost and unsure of how to proceed. “I am really stumped at this point. I don’t know how to help him. And he hasn’t been honest with any of us since he is really afraid to eat.”  
“What if he gets more tests to figure out what’s making him ill?” Hoseok mentioned the idea.   
“I thought of that, but his tests have come back negative every time. I’m wondering if it’s in his head and he’s believing he’ll be sick after eating, so it manifests itself in the way he sees it happening.”  
“What about telling Sejin-hyung?” Jungkook asked innocently, struggling to hold back his tears in front of his elders.  
He hated having to have this conversation, but it was for the best.  
It was necessary in order to save his hyung from self destructing further.

“I have a meeting with the managers to discuss scheduling tomorrow morning, so I was going to mention it to them then. I just didn’t realize he was this sick, though.”  
“Namjoon, this is serious,” Hoseok quietly mumbled realizing the degree of intensity with the situation. “I mean, he’s literally starving himself because he’s afraid to eat.... this can kill him.”  
“I know,” Namjoon solemnly began. “I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I guess I was hoping it would fix itself, but I was naive and didn’t notice everything going on with him.”  
“Have you tried to talk to him?”  
“Anytime I mention something, he dismisses it and says he’s doing fine. I’m sure he’s hiding it because he doesn’t want us to interfere with anything. And keeping us in the dark also makes him feel less guilty. I don’t think he realizes how much we can see he’s suffering.”  
Jungkook hung his head down, allowing Hoseok to rub his hand against his back in a consoling sensation.   
He never felt troubled until he had to see one of his hyungs struggling with their own hardships. And hearing Namjoon mention Taehyung suffering in silence, brought a heaviness to Jungkook’s heart.

Namjoon reached out and gently squeezed Jungkook’s knee. “It’ll be okay. We’ve gotten through every bad day so far. He has us to support him through this and none of us are going to turn our backs on him in his time of need.”  
Jungkook lifted his head, revealing the tears flowing from his saddened eyes, “I’m really scared for him, Hyung. You should see what he looks like under his clothes.... he’s skeletal, and it scares me so much. I just want him to eat something!”

Namjoon stood up, seeing the pain in Jungkook’s eyes, and cupped his hands under the maknae’s arms to pull him up to his feet. He wrapped his arms around him, knowing he needed the closeness of a friend at this emotional moment.  
“It’ll be okay,” Namjoon assuaged, “I’ll take care of everything. This is another hurdle, but we’ll get over it together. He just really needs our support right now.”  
“Hyung,” Jungkook cried as he pressed his mouth against Namjoon’s shoulder, “I can’t take worrying he’s going to die at some point this year! All I can do is love him, and that’s not good enough to save him! I just want him to eat! Please, just fix him!  
“Just fix him.....”

—————-  
  
After speaking to Jungkook about his worries regarding Taehyung, Namjoon took matters into his own hands in order to protect the health the kid had left.  
He had confronted the second youngest multiple times about his health and eating patterns, and only received constant reassurance from the younger that he was fine. But with his current physical state, ARMYs posting on social media about their worries regarding his appearance, and now the youngest and oldest confiding in him to do something, Namjoon no longer could trust going to Taehyung directly anymore.   
He was pushed against the wall to solve a dilemma he wasn’t sure how to handle. Taehyung would just continue to lie if he confronted him once more, so he had to figure out another way to get him to cave and come forward about everything and accept the help he necessarily needed.

Namjoon met up with the directing staff, mainly to discuss filming for future episodes of Run BTS, amongst several side projects, as well. 

The staff hadn’t been informed with the evidence found about Taehyung’s sickness over the course since development, but they had to have noticed his weight loss, especially with the costume fittings and rehearsals showing his lack of energy.   
He was slick, though.   
He always seemed more lively when the cameras began rolling, and Namjoon knew it was all an act to convince ARMY everything was going well.

Namjoon sat at the conference table in the rented office alone with the director, assistant director, and writer.  
The director pitched a multitude of ideas for future episodes before asking the leader for his opinion on what he’d like to do, or maybe ideas the other members have mentioned, seeing as he was the voice of the group.  
“I’d like something that deals with food, or cooking,” Namjoon pitched. “Our cooking episodes are ranked pretty high, but ARMY also has put the episodes containing meals together at the top, as well.  
“But I want to make sure we’re filmed eating, if I may add,” Namjoon politely requested.  
“We could do something like a banquet for the next Festa celebration,” the assistant director added.  
“Festa isn’t for awhile,” Namjoon stated. “Is there anyway we can have an episode pushed to the front of the lineup instead of waiting for months?”  
The directors and writer looked quizzically at the leader adamantly pushing for such a strong request.  
“Namjoon-ssi,” the director began with a questioning tone, “is there a reason you’re pitching so hard for this idea and why it can’t wait for a later date?”  
Namjoon huffed a built up sigh and gained the courage to blurt out the worries the group had brought to him.   
“I want to see if Taehyung will eat something if he knows the cameras are filming him.”  
“Is there something going on with Taehyung-ssi?”   
“Taehyungie has lost a lot of weight, and he’s admitted to a few members awhile ago that he went more than a week without eating. He said he was worried he would become ill again if he ate, so he decided to stop eating to prevent that from happening.”  
The director looked at the other staff members, but didn’t have a change of emotion sweep over his facial features like Namjoon thought may happen. The director contained his professional business composure with a stone cold expression.  
“I had my suspicions Taehyung-ssi was doing something in terms of weight loss. The editors brought his change of appearance to my attention awhile back, but I dismissed it assuming it would resolve itself; I see i was incorrect.”

Namjoon was able to keep his emotions at bay when talking to the staff members like business professionals, and showed the curtesy to bring everything to their attention if he thought it would benefit the group for the best.  
“What exactly has Taehyung-ssi been accused of by the other members?” The director asked, folding his hands onto the table and leaning forward with an intimidating gesture that was not deliberate.  
“Jungkook told me he overheard Taehyung throwing up in their bathroom one night after dinner and then denying it. Jin-Hyung told me he found Taehyung throwing food away and had him confess the duration he had been avoiding food. And Suga-Hyung mentioned he had made an ultimate with Taehyung to have dinner with him every night, and said it was due to worry for his health.”   
Namjoon finished, wondering if the staff members would scold him for not disclosing this information sooner; and he wouldn’t entirely blame them if they did.  
“How long has this been going on?” The writer asked in a more stressed tone than the director had expressed.  
“He became sick almost a month before our comeback, but I’m not sure when he stopped eating, or began throwing up. Maybe a month after comeback, around the time we were in Texas, I may have noticed he was losing weight. But I remember him saying that his weight loss was due to the strict diet the doctor had put him on.”  
“What does he say when you bring this up; assuming you’ve spoken to him about everything?” The director noted in his monotone voice.  
“He denies everything and insists he’s doing well. That’s why I wanted to see his reaction when being filmed. He can’t avoid food when cameras are rolling, otherwise, ARMY will mention it across all social media platforms. They’ve already been commenting on posts about his gaunt look in recent videos.” Namjoon trailed off feeling his demeanor and tone change as he voiced his concerns to the staff members.  
The director nodded his head and finally unlaced his fingers to sit back in his chair in a more laid back way.   
“Alright, Namjoon-ssi,” The Director stated, “we’ll figure something out to get the ball rolling to see his reaction. We’ll determine our next step regarding his health after that if we think his actions are detrimental to himself and the group. I will also notify Sejin-Ssi so he can make the ultimate decisions for Taehyung-ssi.”  
“Thank you, sir,” Namjoon said with a bow in his seat. He felt relieved the staff now had wind of Taehyung’s behavior and he didn’t have to shoulder the burden himself anymore.

————————

As night fell upon the lake house, the crew was hard at work setting up the campsite for the bonfire they planned for the members. They brought in an assortment of meats, had ramen packets ready, and various veggies laid out for the boys to choose from.

The members made their way out, making exclamations of grandeur as they took in the beautiful scenery of the banquet before them, and the roaring fire at the center of a row of comfy chairs.   
Taehyung glared at the food with his mouth watering. He couldn’t remember the last time he left food in his stomach to be digested, but he could feel the intense hunger pangs happening now.

The members made their plates and found spots to sit at a picnic style table near the fire. Most of the members hardly had much on their plates since they were used to community dishes, so they proceeded to bring the platter of cooked meats, and the hot pot of ramen to the center of the table, leaving only veggies, kimchi, and rice to decorate the individual plates for consumption.  
Taehyung was so hungry smelling the food, and knowing he was being filmed, he discretely attempted to sample simple foods here and there; a bite of rice, an empty rolled perilla leaf, a sip of water.   
Jungkook dipped his chopsticks into the pot of ramen, pulling out a steamy helping of the savory dish, and laid it on a plate to blow the heat away in an effort to cool it down.  
He grasped a smaller bit from the pile on his plate and extended his arm towards Taehyung.   
“Here, Hyung,” he held his chopsticks near the elder’s mouth, forcing the ramen into view.  
Taehyung was annoyed at Jungkook’s caring nature right now. With the cameras on them, he couldn’t push the chopsticks from his face. He opened his mouth and allowed Jungkook to feed the small amount to him. He was hopeful that if he ate now, the youngest wouldn’t attempt to feed him again during the dinner.

He was sorely mistaken.

Jungkook, along with the other members, continued passing bites of food to each other, as they always did during meals, and Taehyung was no exception.  
He was becoming extremely flustered with the amount he had eaten during the dinner, and was ready to flee for the bathroom to expel the contents of his stomach.  
However, after the members were finished mingling and eating, they had to move over to sit by the fire to read their written letters for the rest of the filming duration.   
The contents in Taehyung’s stomach churned as he sat next to Jimin, awaiting for the director’s next cue to begin reading the letters aloud.

“Who wants to start?” Hoseok asked to begin the scene.  
“I’ll go first and then we’ll work our way backwards through age,” Jin selected.  
The members all got situated by the fire to listen to the eldest speak his words of wisdom to the youngest.  
Seokjin stood up holding his small letter in hand, cleared his throat and began to read his heartfelt speech:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was left open ended since daily uploads of the member’s individual letters will begin tomorrow.


	12. For You: Jungkook-Ah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surrounding the peaceful campfire scenery, a letter written by the eldest, lovingly (and humorously) was read aloud to the Golden Maknae.

Jungkook-ah,  
The Golden maknae.  
You’re superior in everything that you do, except for the things that you quit.... like learning the drums.  
Since you were so young when you came to the company, I’ve really felt like a parent raising you over the years. It’s remarkable to see all of the incredible qualities from each member bestowed upon you; and you, in turn, have become us six.  
You’re humble like Namjoon-ah,  
you’re dedicated like Yoongi-Yah,  
you’re cheerful like Hobi,  
you’re loyal and nurturing like Jiminie,  
you’re fashionable like Taehyungie,  
and you’re handsome like me.  
Jungkook-ah, there is nothing in this world that you cannot do. Your strength is to be admired, your passion to be commended, and your ambition desired. You’re willing to try anything with your constant curiosity.  
To watch you mature so much sometimes makes me forget that you’re still young. And someday, while I’m playing guitar.....  
I’d like for you to practice the drums again.  
사랑해!


	13. For You: Jin-Hyung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transitioning to the next member, in a more somber, relaxed mood, Yoongi began to read his letter for the eldest.

Jin-Hyung,  
Sometimes it’s hard to express in words all the great qualities you have, so I apologize that I cannot do this justice.  
I’ve watched you take care of the team when we first debuted, cooking for us every night, making sure we were in our good graces, and even teaching me how to prepare meals, as well.  
You inspire me to look out for the younger members, instead of focusing on myself.  
Your attitude uplifts me whenever I’m struggling with something, and even though I never say anything, you always seem to know when to say the right words to encourage me to do better.  
I’m proud to look up to you as my Hyung.  
화이팅!


	14. For You: Yoongi-Hyung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon arose from his seated position with his letter in hand. He cleared his throat and readied himself for the delivery of his speech for Yoongi, as well as, encouraging words to humble the rest of the members.

Yoongi-Hyung  
We’ve lived together the longest and we know everything about each other. Sometimes I see you more as a friend, than as my Hyung, but not for reasons that may seem immature; it’s because of your down to earth nature and the way you speak towards me.  
You’ve inspired me to write my lyrics better. I am impressed that you can write a song every night when it would take me a month to write one.  
You’re dedicated, passionate, and a lyrical genius.  
I hope to one day be able to replicate the speed at which I write songs, similar to you. However, when I get better, you’ll still be far more admirable since you won’t stop working.

I’d like to live in this moment for all that it’s worth.  
One day, the time will come that we will witness our final moments:  
We will witness our final concert,  
We will witness our final song,  
We will witness our final MV,  
We will witness our final album,  
We will witness our final dance practice,  
We will witness our final VLive,  
We will witness our final laughable moment,  
We will witness our final emotional moment,  
We will witness our final bow,  
We will witness our final group hug,  
And we’ll witness our final ‘I love you’, and ‘goodbye’.  
Because nothing is meant to last forever, someday, we will witness our disbandment. But I’d like for the memory of BTS to live on in the hearts of ARMY forever. As I’m a fan of my fellow members individual work and unique traits, I can safely call myself ARMY, as well. So you will all stay in my heart until the very end.  
사랑합니다  
화이팅

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In correlation with Namjoon’s speech, make sure you do something worthwhile everyday. Don’t waste a moment, because you can’t get it back.  
> Travel, try new foods, learn a language, try different hobbies, take classes, volunteer, etc.  
> Let go of toxic friendships that no longer serve you, and open up to creating new bonds with people that are worth your precious time.
> 
> Take care everyone; don’t be afraid to attempt something daring today.


	15. For You: Namjoonie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yah! I have to follow after the leader says such beautiful words?” Hoseok complained as he gathered his letter and took to his feet.

Namjoonie,  
Our incredible leader.  
It would take an eternity for me to list everything that makes you amazing. Despite us being friends, you seem wise beyond the years. I will forever look up to you.  
Your humbleness is to be envied.  
Whenever I feel stressed, and I bring you my hardships, you help me see that it’s not so bad.  
I see the amount you must endure, and sometimes I wish I could take some of the burden off your shoulders, but you stand tall and keep a level head through it all.  
I am proud to be able to call you my friend, and leader.  
사랑해!


	16. For You: Hobi-Hyung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a shy smile that made his eyes disappear, Jimin stood sheepishly to deliver his letter for his Hyung.

Hobi-Hyung,

H is for the happiness you bring to the world.  
O is for the outstanding choreographies you create.  
S is for the superior rapping skills you possess.  
E is for the enjoyment you bring to my life.  
O is for the originality you write in your lyrics.  
K is for the kindness that warms my heart.  
H is for the hope you give to me.  
Y is for the youthfulness from your playful side.  
U is for the understanding when I mess up a step.  
N is for the nurturing way you teach a dance.  
G is for all of the grandeur that is Jung Hoseok-Hyung.  
사랑해요


	17. For You: Jiminie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a dizzying haze, Taehyung slowly brought himself to an upright position. Despite his worries clouding his mind, his heart sung soft lyrics to his friend.

Jiminie,

Your smile lights up the darkest of rooms.   
Your undying love fills the widest of jars.  
Your friendship exceeds any relationship ever felt.  
Your voice soothes the most anxious of minds.  
Your dancing energizes the weakest of knees.  
Your beauty compares to those most envied.  
Your happiness means everything to me.

As my best friend, you’re the first person I think of when I wake up, and the last person when I go to bed. We’ve shared the best days of our lives together, and you’ve been by my side for some of the worst. I wish I could reciprocate everything that you do for me, but I cannot. You’re able to make people forget their troubles just by smiling at them.  
You’re always asking ‘did I do well? Did I do okay?’ and the truth is, you will always do better than what you think. You don’t need reassurance that you’re the best; just know that you are.

사랑해 친구!


	18. For You: V-Hyung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still feeling the heartache from the previous night, Jungkook arose to his staggered stance for the special delivery of his heartfelt poem.

“You’re Beautiful” by Jeon Jungkook

Hyung,  
You’re beautiful in every way that the world sees you.

Your beautiful square smile, that no one else can replicate.  
Your beautiful crows feet, upon your eyes they decorate.  
Your beautiful deep voice, that no one else can register.  
Your beautiful written lyrics, angelic wise messenger.  
Your beautiful thick eyebrows, that no one can forget.  
Your beautiful long fingers, hold my hand without regret.  
Your beautiful kindness, that no one takes for granted.  
Your beautiful love, euphoric feelings steadily implanted.  
You’re beautiful in everything you do,  
You’re beautiful in every way that I see you.

사랑해요 형!


	19. Blood, Sweat & Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m so sick of this, Taehyung!”  
> .......  
> .......  
> .......  
> Then suddenly, it happened.
> 
> He hit him.

Jungkook finished reading his lovely, poetic letter to Taehyung, and thus, concluded the final member to speak his truths.

“Wah! Jungkookie, that was beautiful!” Hoseok exclaimed with great admiration.  
Jungkook looked over at Taehyung and noticed his elder’s head hung low with his bangs covering his eyes. He wasn’t sure if it was a sign of remorse, or resentment from the previous night, but his subtle eye aversion made him question if Taehyung would be devastated to find out he went behind his back to talk with Namjoon.

Filming wrapped up and the members were instructed to get some rest until tomorrow while the directing staff would return to their own hotel accommodations for the remainder of the evening.  
Hoseok offered to clean everything as punishment for losing so many times at the Rookie King game they had played the day before at the library, allowing the staff to leave earlier for the evening.  
The other members grabbed some dishes to help Hoseok clean some, but Namjoon noticed Taehyung bolting past the sliding glass door to enter the house; completely unaware that he had been spotted by the leader’s watchful eye.  
Namjoon slowly crept through the house after placing a tower of dishes in the sink, only to find the bathroom door connecting to the maknae line’s room already closed.  
The leader pressed his ear against the wooden door and heard a faint gagging sound, nearly hidden behind the running tap water from the faucet; a ploy to disguise what was happening, Namjoon fathomed a guess.  
He wasn’t sure if he was hoping Taehyung was sick from his illness: which would mean he was still very ill, or if he was forcing himself sick: which he could forcefully stop.  
Without knocking, Namjoon twisted the handle and opened the door to see Taehyung with his fingers knuckle deep in his throat.  
The leader reacted without thinking and raced into the bathroom to pull Taehyung’s hand away from his salivating mouth.  
“Stop, Taehyung!” He hollered while wrapping his arms around the younger’s body, trying to get his hand as far away from his mouth as possible.  
Taehyung furiously fought back.  
He had to get the food out before it made him sick!  
Why didn’t Namjoon understand?  
He had to do this in order to feel okay!

“Taehyung! Taehyung, Stop!” Namjoon shouted, wrestling with Taehyung’s flailing limbs.  
“Get off me!” Taehyung yelled back, scratching at Namjoon’s flesh to pry his arms off of him.  
He had to get the food out.  
He couldn’t wait any longer.  
It was bound to make him sick if he didn’t take this chance.  
It had already been too long since their dinner.  
Why couldn’t Namjoon understand this?

“Taehyung! I said stop, dammit!” Namjoon forced Taehyung to the ground to keep him from destroying himself further. For being so emaciated, he was putting up quite a fight.  
He wrapped an arm around Taehyung’s neck in a subdued chokehold without applying much pressure to his windpipe, avoiding the possibility of causing any damage in the process.  
Namjoon wanted him to stop fighting and accept the help he was being offered, but he was struggling relentlessly with the leader.

Namjoon, with his back against the wall and Taehyung positioned between his thighs, solidly forced the younger to find the only available defense: digging his brittle nails deep into Namjoon’s fleshy arm. He was desperate to be released by any means necessary.

Namjoon’s guttural howl, after bearing the pain long enough hoping Taehyung would give up the struggle, infuriated him to the point that he couldn’t process reality clearly anymore. His clouded judgement just kept screaming to stop the younger as soon as possible to get the pain to stop persisting.  
Namjoon couldn’t take the struggle anymore and released the chokehold and tried to grab Taehyung’s hands; but the younger was adamant about not being caught a second time and quickly scurried forward, pressing off Namjoon’s leg to propel himself further away from the leader’s long reach.

Taehyung made a swift move for the door handle, knowing he could get ahead of the elder and make it to the other bathroom with the distance he created, but Namjoon was quick with his reflexes and wit, as well.  
Instead of going for Taehyung, whom was out of his reach from his wingspan, Namjoon swung his leg sharply, kicking the door closed before the younger could get out, knocking the handle forcibly from his grip.  
While Namjoon hoisted himself to his feet, Taehyung attempted to grab the handle a second time with the same goal in mind. But Namjoon was too close for him to dart through the gap before grabbing ahold of him and slamming him against the sink with all his might.

“I’m so sick of this, Taehyung!”  
.......  
.......  
.......  
Then suddenly, it happened.

He hit him.

Namjoon raised his arm and struck the younger with a backhanded swing across his face, making contact with the pronounced cheekbone jutting from his sallow face, and causing the kid’s face to strike the mirror in a chain reaction.  
Taehyung crumpled to the floor like a sack of stones with the shattered pieces of glass scattering amongst his body.  
While holding the freshly bruised area decorating his damaged skin, Namjoon saw crimson liquid seeping between Taehyung’s fingers as the younger stared up in complete shock.  
The titanium ring on his striking hand must have caught the soft, delicate flesh, or perhaps the violent force from his anger did the deed, but all he knew, he had crossed the line in an unforgivable offense.

Taehyung immediately tilted forward, bowing his head to the ground with a guttural wail that filled the house, catching the other members by surprise from the horrendous, painful screams echoing through the halls.  
Taehyung wasn’t crying from the physical pain; it was the emotional hurt of having his older brother strike him out of anger.  
He had pushed Namjoon to this point.  
He had pushed every member away, and now, even the leader was through with him.  
He was alone.

With every howling scream, the veins in his neck became more visible. Spit strings connected to the floor from his gaping mouth as he yelled painfully in heartache.  
Namjoon, horrified from his loss of control and his violent actions, made an about face on his spiraling heels and rushed out of the room and down the steps, making a beeline for the front door.

“What’s going on?! What happened?!” Jin cried worriedly as he stood in the living room with the other members, able to hear Taehyung’s wailing from above. His eyes were wide with fear that something immensely terrible had just occurred upstairs behind closed doors.  
“Namjoon!” Yoongi yelled after him, frozen in his place with disbelief.  
“Someone go to him!” Namjoon stiffly said without slowing down, nearly breaking into tears of his own.  
He couldn’t believe he struck him.  
He had never been so angry with him before.  
His actions were inexcusable, and all he could think to do was leave the premise.

“Where are you going?! Namjoon!”  
While Namjoon rushed to close the door behind him before anyone could follow, Jin and Jimin took off for the bathroom to check on Taehyung.  
Yoongi, instead, followed after Namjoon with Jungkook trailing closely behind.

As Jin and Jimin made it to the doorway, both males froze as they saw Taehyung on his knees crying as hard as he could with his forehead pressed against the cold floor, and his face being held by his blood smeared palms. His face was bright red from the forceful cries, and he clutched at his bangs as he rocked forward to another bow as he heaved more screams.  
The blood from his cheek and temple had been spread through his hair as he moved his shaking hands uncontrollably about his face in his fit of tears as he tangled his long fingers in his locks and tugged as hard as he could.  
He was so mad at himself.  
He deserved this.  
He deserved more than this.  
He didn’t fault Namjoon for striking him.  
Someone should have beat him much sooner than this after causing such a nuisance for the other members.

“Taehyung!” Jimin shouted as he saw the bright blood flowing down his cheek.  
He zipped into the bathroom swiftly once Taehyung leaned back onto his knees and cried out to his friend, begging him to help him.  
“He hates me!” Taehyung choked through the tears, wrapping his arms around Jimin who was now sitting in front of him to console him.  
“No, he doesn’t!” Jimin quickly reassured with fear in his voice.  
He couldn’t believe what he was visually seeing.  
Had Taehyung really pushed Namjoon so far as to strike the younger?

“Taehyung, what happened?” Jin asked as he brushed a tissue through Taehyung’s hair before resting his hand on the back of his neck. He was crouching next to the huddled friends, but was also concerned, still, for Namjoon. Taking on the mediating parental role, he didn’t want to draw any conclusions without hearing both sides of the story.  
“Taehyung, did Namjoon-Ah hit you?” Jin was able to keep his composure, despite things becoming violent, since he was very protective as a big brother to all the members.  
“I deserved it!” Taehyung wailed, reaching out for Jin to hold his hand in comfort.  
“Taehyung!” Jimin shouted as he clung to the heavy embrace.  
“No, you didn’t. No one deserves to be hit. Let me see.” Jin said, motioning for Taehyung to turn his head so he could look at the wound.  
There was a deep, open gash across Taehyung’s cheekbone, and dark red blood was flowing down his cheek, staining Jimin’s shirt sleeve in the process of holding his friend close.  
“You’re gonna need stitches.” Jin said, releasing Taehyung’s hand.  
He proceeded to grab a washcloth from the sink and slightly soaked it under the cold tap.  
He returned to his crouch and pressed the cloth against Taehyung’s skin. The boy had hushed his screaming wails, and moved to a more tolerable whimpering cry as Jimin held him.  
As Jin wiped the excessive blood from Taehyung’s tanned skin, and tried his best to remove the smeared crimson from his hair, he placed his hand against the side of Taehyung’s face while applying pressure to the wound to try to stifle the profuse bleeding.  
“What happened Taehyung?” Jin asked in a calm, motherly tone.  
Taehyung didn’t know how to answer.  
Namjoon was right to hit him.  
He deserved it for the amount of burden he had brought on everyone. 

“Where did he go?” Taehyung tearfully asked.  
“He left.” Jin mentioned, knowing full well that Taehyung was mainly concerned with Namjoon being okay, instead of his own well-being.  
“He hates me! I know he does!” Taehyung repeated, releasing more sobs against Jimin’s shoulder.  
“Taehyungie, stop,” Jin commanded, “he loves you. You didn’t see him when he left; he looked terrified.”  
“Taetae, nobody can hate you,” Jimin said as he squeezed his arms tightly around his friend.  
He had no idea what exchange happened between Taehyung and Namjoon, or what could have pushed the leader to lose his temper and strike the younger member, but he knew there was still love between them.  
He saw it in Namjoon’s eyes as he fled the house.

———————

Yoongi ran after Namjoon along with Jungkook sprinting behind. The leader was already a decent way down the street, but it didn’t take much for the two to join up with him at the intersection of the quiet neighborhood.  
“Namjoon-Ah, what happened back there?” Yoongi asked with concern in his monotone voice.  
“I hit him!” Namjoon exclaimed with a matter-of-fact declaration.

Yoongi watched Jungkook’s facial features contort to a flabbergasted, open jawed expression, leaving him to wonder if his nonverbal cues matched the younger’s.  
“What do you mean ‘you hit him’? Why?”  
“I don’t know! I was just so angry and I wanted him to stop hurting himself! I lost it back there and I.... I-I hit him!”  
Namjoon grabbed the sides of his head as his headache had turned to an unrelenting migraine.  
The trio was still walking down the unfamiliar road when Yoongi asked where the leader was heading.  
“I have to tell Sejin-Hyung I’m done.”  
“What do you mean you’re done?”  
“I’m done being a member!”  
“Hyung! You can’t quit!” Jungkook interjected with hysterics.  
“Namjoon-Ah, this was a misunderstanding, we can fix-“  
Namjoon halted and spun on his heels to face his smaller Hyung, causing Yoongi to abruptly stop to keep from colliding with the taller male, “no! I hit him! There’s no going back and fixing that! There’s no trust between us anymore! I can’t be apart of the group if I’m going to assault another member!”  
“Namjoon-Ah, listen! We can fix this. We have fixed all of our problems until now. There is no reason you have to quit the group because of this.”  
“How can I promote a campaign to end violence when I haul off and belt the kid?! That would make me a hypocrite!”  
Namjoon was referencing their global campaign they had been working on with UNICEF Korea.  
“Namjoon-Ah, stop and think for a second,” Yoongi started. 

Jungkook was fighting to hold back his emerging tears ever since Namjoon exclaimed he was going to quit. He was the main reason Jungkook decided to join their company in the first place. He was his personal role model and idol.

“Let’s not make any impulsive decisions just yet. Let’s all go back to the house and discuss this; as a group. This is something that affects all of us, not just between you and Taehyungie. This can be addressed together once everyone has had a moment to calm down. The situation is still too heated for anyone to make any rational decisions. Okay?”  
Namjoon bit his bottom lip and looked up at the peaceful clouds covering the stars overhead. Yoongi was correct that he was making impulsive decisions, and one person’s exit would be detrimental for the entire group.

“Yeah?” Yoongi called again to snap Namjoon from his internal daydream.  
Namjoon nodded and allowed Yoongi to place his arm on his back to coax him in the direction towards their accommodations.  
Jungkook tagged along behind, still attempting to hold back his tears. He was relieved Namjoon was coming back to the house, but he was still concerned about the situation with Taehyung; he had never heard him scream like that and with such a painful undertone behind it.

As the three returned to the dorm, they noticed the rental car was missing.  
They entered the house to find a silence blanketing the open area of the living room.  
“Where’d they go?” Jungkook rhetorically asked, knowing the other two wouldn’t know the answer.  
“They left right when I came in, but didn’t say where they were going,” Hoseok said as he entered the living room from the kitchen.  
“What is going on?” He continued, unaware of the circumstances after being outside tidying up the dining area alone.  
“Hold on a second,” Yoongi hesitated while holding up a finger so he could find the other members.  
“I’ll call Jimin’s phone in case Jin-Hyung is driving,” Yoongi stated while pulling out his cellphone and selecting Jimin’s name.

.....”hello?”  
“Jimin-Ah, where are you guys?”  
“We’re taking Taehyungie to the hospital to get stitches.”  
“Is he okay?” Yoongi had no idea Taehyung had been cut during the physical attack, so he was caught off guard by the statement.  
“He’s okay, it’s just a cut that won’t quit bleeding. Is Namjoon-Hyung with you?”  
Namjoon could overhear the conversation and he felt guilty hearing the younger male asking about him.  
“Yeah, he’s back here.”  
“That’s good. Taehyungie was asking if he came back. Is he near you?”  
“Yeah, he’s standing right here.”  
“Can I talk to him?”  
“Hold on.”  
Yoongi held the phone out for Namjoon to take to fulfill Jimin’s request.  
“Jimin-Ah?”  
“Hyung! I’m glad you came back! Taehyungie wanted to apologize and he was upset that you left. Do you want to talk to him?” Jimin sounded as if he was shouting into the phone like the window was down while they were driving and he was attempting to talk over any noisy distractions.  
“Jimin-Ah, I can talk to him tonight when he comes home.” Namjoon didn’t believe Taehyung actually wanted to talk to him. He assumed it was peace keeper Jimin trying his best to mend the fence.  
“No, Hyung, he’s asking for the phone right now. Will you talk to him?”  
If Taehyung was the one asking for the phone, Namjoon would hear him out.  
“Put him on, Jiminie.”  
.......  
“hyung?” Taehyung’s deep voice rang through the receiver.  
“Taehyungie, listen I-“  
“Hyung, I’m so sorry!” Taehyung’s voice sounded raspier with the force of his sudden apology. “I’m sorry for what I’ve been doing and what I put you and the other members through! I understand why you got so mad because I feel it too! I’m always mad at myself everyday! I hate that I’m doing this! I hate myself for everything I’ve done!”  
“Taehyungie?” Namjoon waited a moment to see if Taehyung heard him call out his name, or if he was still rambling through his apology.  
When he heard nothing on the line, Namjoon proceeded, “Taehyungie, we can talk when you get home. Just listen to Jin-Hyung and get yourself taken care of at the hospital.”  
Namjoon paused for a moment.  
“I’m sorry, Taehyungie.” Namjoon felt great remorse for striking his dongsaeng. He never would have imagined ever lifting a hand to one of the members, especially Taehyung.  
“Hyung, I need help!”  
“I know, Taehyungie. Jin-Hyung will get you to the hospital and you’ll get the help you need.” Namjoon naively instructed.  
“No, Hyung! I don’t want to do this anymore! I can’t take it! I’m miserable living this way and everyday I’m hoping is the end!”  
Namjoon finally understood what Taehyung was stating.  
“Taehyungie, we’ll talk about this once you’re home, okay? This is not an appropriate phone conversation; this is something we’ll sit down and discuss as a group.” His heart ached hearing Taehyung divulging his depression vocally aloud.  
“You’ll still be there?”  
“Yeah, I won’t leave again.” Namjoon felt jilted at the innocence Taehyung expressed in his concern for him to be at the house.  
“You promise?”  
“Yeah, Taehyungie. I promise I’ll still be here once you’re home.”  
“Okay. Please don’t leave me! I need you here with me because I can’t do this anymore on my own! I’m scared!”  
“I’ll be right here waiting, I promise.”  
“Hey Hyung?”  
“Yeah, Taehyungie?”  
“사랑해요 .....”  
“사랑해.”


	20. A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung’s wide eyes looked out at the group to see half a dozen eyes looking back at him. Jin saw the scared look behind the younger’s brown eyes, and cautiously placed his hand on Taehyung’s cheek.  
> “Taehyung? What’s wrong?” The concern in his voice rose, unaware of the mystery in the air.  
> Taehyung’s breathing started to speed up as he reached to grip onto Jin’s hand against his cheek. His expression contorted into a pained veil as his eyes winced in fear of telling his secret.  
> “Taehyung?” Jin remained calm, despite the panic rising in his heart of what Taehyung was hiding.   
> “I-“ Taehyung stuttered. He didn’t know how to confess to his Hyung.  
> “Taehyungie, it’s okay. I’m right here, and I promise I won’t be mad, or blame you. Please tell me.”  
> Taehyung took a deep inhale but immediately choked out a sob he was suppressing with his exhale.  
> “Taehyung, are you taking something?”

Yoongi received the phonecall from Jimin that the trio were on their way back from the hospital. He told the remaining members in the house the others were returning and to prepare to have a group discussion, despite the late night hour.

Jin opened the front door and was met with eyes glancing up from their seated positions scattered about the living room. He moved out of the way to hold the door open for the two friends to enter, whom were holding onto each other in their weary, exhausted state.

As soon as Namjoon saw Taehyung enter the house with a dark, swollen bruise and a butterfly stitch below his sunken eye, he immediately vacated the couch to go be by his side.  
“Taehyungie,” Namjoon shamefully called with pain stinging his vocal cords.   
The younger noticed the leader heading towards him and quickly released Jimin’s arm to swiftly approach the elder halfway.  
They met up in a collision of flesh, both wrapping their arms tightly around the other, and apologizing for different reasons.  
“I’m so sorry, Taehyungie! You didn’t deserve that!”  
“I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through! I don’t want to be a burden anymore for everyone! It was my fault! I pushed you to do that!” Taehyung’s dry tear ducts began to burn with emotion as his apologies spilled out.  
“No, Taehyung,” Namjoon stated, placing his hand softly against the younger’s cheeks so he was forced to look at him while he spoke, “Nothing is your fault. I failed to see to your needs in the beginning and allowed this to get out of hand. I should have been there as a leader and your Hyung.”  
Namjoon paused briefly before slightly tilting Taehyung’s face and grazing his thumb under the damaged skin.  
“Look at your face,” he painfully winced in rhetorics.  
Taehyung could hear the regret and sadness in the leader’s voice as he checked out the closed gash on his cheekbone. The wound wasn’t as deep as the others’ had first assumed, but due to the location, it bled heavily for a time before receiving the liquid stitches to contain the clot.  
Namjoon released Taehyung’s face and wrapped his arms back around the thin, frail body before him in another apologetic hug.  
“I’m so sorry,” he quietly whispered next to the younger’s ear, “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Namjoon-ah,” Yoongi called from his seated position on the sofa. He motioned his arm out towards the other seats, “we need to have a group discussion.”

As the troupe made their way to finding comfortable seats, Hoseok called for Taehyung to come to him where he had been seated in the oversized recliner. He spread his legs and pulled Taehyung to sit between his thighs, as he wrapped his arms around his stomach for an easy back hug.  
“How are you feeling?” Hoseok asked, releasing his grip and replacing his touch to soft scratches against the younger’s back.  
“I’m okay,” Taehyung confirmed as he pressed back to smoosh his small frame into Hoseok’s consoling comfort.

“Some very unpleasant events have happened today, and we need to address them as a group in order to move past this,” Yoongi began. “Taehyung-ah, I’ve tried to help you, but this has gotten out of hand for anybody to handle anymore. We need to figure out how to get you better, but that requires you to be completely honest with us. If I ask you a question, you have to tell me the truth, otherwise we cannot progress.”

Taehyung listened intently to his elder, although nervous, he was ready to open up and accept the help from everyone. He had witnessed the intense emotions behind everyone’s eyes over the past few months, and disregarded them for his own selfish benefit.

“Namjoon-ah was ready to leave the group about an hour ago,” Yoongi reminded, causing half the group to feel utter shock since they had been away dealing with Taehyung’s injuries at the hospital during that discovery.  
“He came back because we are a unit. We are more than just a musical act; we are family. And when family is hurting, we don’t turn our backs on them; no matter how much they resist our support.  
“Namjoon-ah knows what he did was out of line. There’s no excuse for striking anyone, ever. So, I’m sorry, Taehyung-ah. On his behalf, I apologize for what happened. We cannot change what has happened, and accept that it, sadly, had to occur.  
“Right now, I’d like to ask you, what you think we can do to help you.”  
All eyes turned towards Taehyung, whom shyly looked at the floor in shameful embarrassment. Hoseok laid his chin against Taehyung’s shoulder blade and rubbed his side to coax an answer out of him.  
“I don’t know,” he quietly muttered.  
Yoongi nodded while pursing his bottom lip like he usually did when he was trying to solve a conundrum.  
“Okay. That’s fair, since I don’t know either,” Yoongi agreed.

“How long have you been making yourself throw up after meals,” Jimin quietly asked in a morose tone. He had found out about his purging when Jungkook came to him to vent about the previous night in their bedroom.   
Taehyung rubbed agitated fingers nervously at his eyes and flicked his hair back, not wanting to tell them about his disgusting habit.  
“It’s okay, Taehyungie,” Hoseok comforted, “we’re here to help you.”  
“Umm,” he released a frustrated huffed sigh. His mind was at war with blurting everything out, and fighting to continue to hide his secrets.  
“Since I started making you eat with me?” Yoongi asked to persuade an answer.  
“Like a week after- But I tried! I really did!” Taehyung forced his efforts out through a higher pitch to show he made an attempt, “I wanted to do what you asked but I couldn’t make the pain go away!” He slapped his balled fist against his thigh in frustrations that he gave up so easily.  
“I tried,” Taehyung repeated, rubbing his long, nimble fingers against his eyes to cease the burning behind his dry lids. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” he choked with a hitch in his deep voice.  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok cooed while gripping onto the younger, “What do you need from Hyung? I’ll do anything to help you.” Hope despised seeing the other members upset, being the moodmaker of the group after all, so he was desperate to fix the situation with Taehyung.  
“I don’t know! That’s the thing!” Taehyung began to speak with great effort to force everything out that he had kept inside. With tears at the forefront, he unloaded:  
“You keep asking me what you can do to help, but I really don’t know! I don’t know what to do for myself! I’m terrified to eat anything since I’m always wondering if it’ll make me sick again! I hate it! And if I tell anyone that I’m feeling sick, I’ll get more testing which holds everyone up! And they can’t find anything wrong, so it’s a waste of time! I don’t want to be sick, but I don’t want anymore testing! It hurts! This is the only way to make it through each day without hurting!”  
Taehyung’s sad eyes burned red as the emotions flowed from his mouth.   
“Taehyungie,” Namjoon called out for the younger to notice, “going to all the hospitals with you was not a waste of time. The doctors told me the tests are coming back inconclusive because you’re not eating when they’re testing you. Certain tests interact with the nutrients, and when they’re depleted, you’ll get a false negative. As soon as we get you eating again, we’ll get you the tests you need to figure out what is wrong-“  
“I don’t want anymore tests!” Taehyung impolitely cried out due to the overflow of emotions he was experiencing, digging his grimy nails into the dry skin around his wrists to resist losing control.  
“I know,” Namjoon acknowledged. “But I’m not letting you starve anymore. You’re going to end up killing yourself if someone does not intervene; and right now, you have six people doing just that. There is not one person here that wouldn’t do everything in their power to save you from destroying yourself.”  
Hoseok brushed his hand through Taehyung’s hair to help comfort the weeping dongsaeng. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to experience such sickness from a staple that was meant to sustain life....but instead struck them down in their youthful prime.

“Taehyung-ah, do you know how much weight you have lost?” Yoongi asked after realizing Namjoon was hesitating to see the younger’s reaction.  
Taehyung shook his head. He avoided the scale, knowing he was rapidly losing weight due to complications during dress rehearsals and costume fittings.  
“One thing that has to start immediately is you can’t force yourself to be sick anymore,” Yoongi instructed. “You’re going to damage your voice if you continue to do that, let alone damage your health.”  
With tears dripping off his nose as he hung his head in sickening grief, Taehyung acknowledged Yoongi’s instructions with a nod. He had already experienced his voice raspy and sore during a concert, causing him to miss the high notes, but at least he could say he attended the concert instead of having to miss it entirely due to his illness. He was still able to dance, and perform.... though, it was a struggle.

“We’re not doing this because we’re tired of dealing with it; we’re genuinely worried about you, and care about your health. We love you and want nothing more than for you to get better,” Jin added to the conversation.   
Taehyung held his head in his thin hands as he wept in frustration. He was comforted with his disordered eating since he relied on having an empty stomach to feel better. But now that he was going to have to keep food down, he was reeling with worry about feeling nauseous for days on end. As long as he didnt have to experience that stabbing pain in his abdomen ever again, he wanted to continue what he was doing by whatever means necessary.

“What are you thinking, Taehyungie?” Jin asked the crying dongsaeng, noticing his distemper altering during the intervention.  
Taehyung wiped his fingers over his eyes to slough away the tears pooling at the brim of his eyelids and looked towards the eldest with a defeated look.  
Hoseok squeezed the younger’s shoulders and noticed the tension hanging in his muscles.

“Talk to me, Taehyungie,” Jin coaxed once more. He got up from the cushion he was seated on and crossed the floor to perch on top of the coffee table in front of Taehyung and Hoseok. He held out his open palms so the younger could place his hands within his, and curled his crooked fingers around Taehyung’s cold hands where he eventually lowered them to his lap.  
With a lower voice, nearly a whisper, he spoke again, “please talk to me. I know this is difficult for you to let go, but I’m here for you. I love you so much, Taehyungie; just let me listen to what you have to say.”  
Taehyung’s heart ached with Jin’s kind words. He lowered his gaze and felt the emotions flowing like another tsunami wave.  
Jin reached for Taehyung’s chin and lifted his face to look at him. “It’s okay, Taehyungie. What do you want?”  
“I want to keep starving,” Taehyung truthfully spoke.  
“You can’t starve yourself, Tae-“ Yoongi quickly added but was interrupted when Jin held up his hand to cease his sentence.   
Jin was the only member that was able to tell Yoongi what to do, and the one that Yoongi obeyed.  
Taehyung looked wearily towards Yoongi before Jin eased his face back to look at him. “You’re only talking to me right now, Taehyungie, so just focus on me. Okay?”  
Taehyung made a slight nod to confirm the eldest in his delusions that everyone in the room didn’t matter during their moment together.  
“Why do you want to starve yourself, Taehyung?” Jin calmly asked with a hint of pain mingling in his concerning question.  
“If I don’t eat, I can’t get sick.”  
“How are you able to practice and perform without getting exhausted if you don’t eat anything?” Jin asked.   
He had been pondering this thought since noticing Taehyung’s avoidance with sustenance, but never directly asked the obvious.  
Taehyung’s wide eyes looked out at the group to see half a dozen eyes looking back at him. Jin saw the scared look behind the younger’s brown eyes, and cautiously placed his hand on Taehyung’s cheek.  
“Taehyung? What’s wrong?” The concern in his voice rose, unaware of the mystery in the air.

Taehyung’s breathing started to speed up as he reached to grip onto Jin’s hand against his cheek. His expression contorted into a pained veil as his eyes winced in fear of telling his secret.  
“Taehyung?” Jin remained calm, despite the panic rising in his heart of what Taehyung was hiding.   
“I-“ Taehyung stuttered. He didn’t know how to confess this secret to his Hyung.  
“Taehyungie, it’s okay. I’m right here, and I promise I won’t be mad, or blame you. Please tell me.”  
Taehyung took a deep inhale but immediately choked out a sob with his exhale that he was attempting to suppress.

“Taehyung, are you taking something?”   
Jin rubbed his hand against Taehyung’s neck as the younger hung his head in shame. He felt Taehyung’s grip tighten against the hand he was holding and knew he must be getting close to uncovering the answer.

“What are you taking Taehyung?” Jin asked, noting the seriousness of having a member resorting to illicit drugs.  
“Amphetamines,” Taehyung mumbled, barely audible for anyone to hear.  
“Speed, Taehyung?” Namjoon asked in clarification from across the room.  
Taehyung nodded as the tears cascaded down his cheeks. He felt so ashamed for what he was doing; failing to live up to his hyungs’ expectations.  
“Taetae, you’re taking drugs?” Jimin asked his friend with such pain quaking in his voice.  
“What’s the name of the pills, Taehyung?” Namjoon asked, pulling out his cellphone to research the product on Naver.  
“Um, Clobenzorex, I think,” Taehyung answered.  
“Where did you get them from, Taehyung?” Jin asked, trying to refocus the younger on himself so he wouldn’t shutdown from the onslaught of questions the other members were bombarding him with.  
“The internet.”  
“Do you still have them?”  
Taehyung nodded while avoiding eye contact with the eldest. He felt so small with the surmounting guilt washing over his filthy soul.  
“You’re going to give them to me when we’re done here, okay?” Jin instructed.   
He knew of other idols that took amphetamines to deal with exhaustion and their endless schedules and practices, but the members of BTS agreed to avoid all foreign matters that could injure themselves, or cause ARMY to follow suit when the idols they admired dabbled in substance abuse. They took pride in being clean cut and managing their tiresome schedule through hard work alone in regards to their success.

With his eyes still scanning the screen of his cellphone, Namjoon interjected to ask a question, “how long have you been taking the pills, Taehyung?”  
“Maybe a month or two?” Taehyung guessed.   
He couldn’t actually remember when he began taking them since he left them in his bedside table for awhile before trying them out. He was afraid of the pills, at first, since he bought them from a source in Mexico, but was unable to read the instructions, or directions. He had no idea of the dose, or how often he should take them, but found once a day seemed sufficient for a time. He occasionally doubled up in a day when practice ran especially long into the evenings. He became addicted rather quickly to the euphoric feeling and numbness the pills brought over his mind; not to mention the diminished appetite he experienced.

“Do you take them everyday?” Namjoon asked.  
Taehyung nodded once again.   
Hoseok leaned forward until his chest was against Taehyung’s back, where he proceeded to wrap his arms around the younger’s waist, resting his fists in the warm lap. He was torn up inside with hearing of Taehyung’s unhealthy habit, worrying that he may have done some irreversible damage to his mental health, or physical health.

“When you go off of them, Taehyung, you’re probably going to have withdrawals. It says your body, most likely, has already developed an addiction to the pills, so you’ll feel pretty bad coming off them.”  
Taehyung acknowledged the leader with a bow of his head. He could tell he was already hooked on the effects of the pills. Within a week, he became short tempered the moment the effects began to wear off in the evenings. Coupling that with the dizzying headaches happening from the moment he awoke until he got the chance to pop a pill, he was adamant on continuing the pills to survive their rigorous lifestyle.

Namjoon continued, “between throwing up and taking these amphetamines, Taehyung, it’s extremely dangerous for your heart. We’re fortunate that this didn’t result in a deadly concoction with you having a heart attack during a rehearsal, or on stage.”  
“I’m sorry,” Taehyung wept. He felt Hoseok tighten his grip around his waist to give him a comforting hug, but he still didn’t feel better.  
Jin wiped the tears running from Taehyung’s eyes, “it’s gonna be okay. We’re all in this together.”  
“I’m so sorry,” Taehyung whispered a second time.   
Hearing his hyungs being so supportive made the remorsefulness in his heart deepen.  
“Taehyung, why did you start taking the pills instead of talking to one of us,” Namjoon asked. “What made you look into those?”  
“I just didn’t want to feel tired anymore. But if I said anything, you would have forced me to start eating again. I just don’t want to feel sick again.”  
“But don’t you feel sick with the way you’re living now?” Yoongi asked the obvious.  
“It’s not the same,” Taehyung sighed. It was hard to explain the difference with how he felt considering he intentionally was throwing up to avoid feeling nauseous.  
“Taehyungie,” Jin interrupted, “is there any food that doesn’t make you feel sick?”  
Taehyung thought for a moment before responding, “sometimes sweet potatoes are okay. And rice doesn’t always make me sick.”  
Jin nodded with Taehyung’s answer. He knew a meal plan of just starchy vegetables and rice wouldn’t be ideal for nutrients, but if it got Taehyung consuming calories enough to bring his weight up, that would be a start in the right direction.

“We’re going to have to tell Sejin-Hyung what happened tonight,” Yoongi mentioned to the group.   
“Everything?” Taehyung questioned, worried he was talking about him throwing up, as well as the kerfuffle between him and Namjoon. He was hoping to contain this secret within the group and not involve the staff.

“They already know, Taehyung-ah,” Namjoon stated, “I told them during the meeting I had early this morning. They already know everything that you’ve been doing, sans the pills, though; but only because we’re just now finding out ourselves about those.”  
“Did they seem mad?” Taehyung innocently asked.   
Their opinion of him mattered immensely, and he felt this would knock him down a peg in their minds.  
Namjoon shook his head while trying to remember the conversation, “no. They had their suspicions about your weight loss, and I just confirmed it. They seemed more concerned and told me they were going to decide what to do in regards with your health after filming tonight. Once they get wind of this, they’ll probably proceed with a professional treatment plan to get you healthy again.”  
“That means more tests,” Taehyung sighed in dissatisfaction.  
Hoseok had been rubbing the younger’s back for the duration of the conversation and felt sympathetic for Taehyung. It was obvious he was fed up with having tests performed without results, and resorted to drastic measures to alleviate the pain for himself, but he needed medical care until an answer was found.  
“But it may lead to an answer on why you’re feeling sick, and then you can get better and start to feel like your old self again,” Hoseok said to help ease Taehyung’s worries.  
He leaned his chest against Taehyung’s back again, wrapping his arms around the younger’s chest at an angle, and pulling him backwards to rest against him in the recliner. He just wanted to hug him the entire night until he felt the slightest bit better in his heart. He pressed his lips against the back of Taehyung’s head, leaving a soft kiss within his colored locks.

“Does anybody have anything more they want to say before we call it a night,” Yoongi asked, taking control of the dialogue.  
“You understand that we’re not mad at you, right Taehyungie?” Hoseok asked, brushing his hand through the younger’s soft hair.  
“Disappointed,” Taehyung mumbled under his breath as he tangled his fingers around Hoseok’s, feeling as though the members would be disheartened to find out he was using drugs to manage his life.  
“We’re not disappointed in you, Taehyungie,” Jin interrupted. “We understand why you did everything the way you chose.....” Jin took a moment to think of how he wanted to word his next statement.  
“I just wish you would have talked to me, or someone, from the very beginning. So much could have been prevented if you would have talked to us.”

Taehyung had his eyes lowered to the floor as his Hyung spoke. He felt guilt, shame, embarrassed, relieved, angry, frustrated, helpless, but also hopeful. The mix of emotions was causing a cocktail of confusion that he couldn’t sort out in his mind. 

“If that’s everyone, we’ll call it a night,” Yoongi announced.  
“Taehyung-ah, please go get me the pills.” Yoongi stood up from his seat and waited for Taehyung to stand, as well. He placed his hand against the younger’s back to guide him towards his room.   
Even though Yoongi felt they broke a lot of ground, he still had trouble fully trusting the second youngest to bring the entire stash of pills to him, so he felt it was necessary to follow him into his room. If Taehyung had even the slightest addiction to the pill’s effects, he assumed there’d be some stashed away; hidden somewhere for a ‘just in case’ purpose.

The two males entered the bedroom and Taehyung made his way over to the bedside table. He opened an aspirin bottle and allowed several green pills to fall from the bottle and into his open palm. He had only brought enough pills to get him through the trip, while the rest remained secured in the dorm back in South Korea.

“Is that it?” Yoongi asked as Taehyung obsequiously placed the pills in the elder’s cupped hand.  
Taehyung nodded, but didn’t disclose that there were more available at home. He felt overwhelmed giving every little bit of his safety net up all at once. He retained a piece of mind knowing he still had pills waiting for him once he returned home.

“Taehyung-ah,” Yoongi called for his attention, “you’re doing the right thing. I know it’s comfortable handling things the way you were, despite it being unhealthy and unsafe, but this is right. You can’t allow your mind to take over and force you to be less than you’re worth. Listen to us when we tell you you’re better than this. Alright?”  
Yoongi cupped his hand against Taehyung’s sweat slicked neck in a fatherly way.  
“Thank you for giving me these. Please don’t buy them again.”   
Yoongi released Taehyung’s neck after a soft pat, and turned to walk out, “the other two will be in shortly, so find comfort in them for the night.”  
Yoongi paused near the doorway before turning back to see the sullen, sunken eyes decorating Taehyung’s sad expression. He sympathized at the depression the younger was experiencing with the multitude of changes happening all at once; it was probably overwhelming to the point of shutting down completely.  
Yoongi returned to his position in front of Taehyung and wrapped his arms around the kid in a tight hug.  
Taehyung, momentarily caught off guard with Yoongi’s physical embrace, found the comfort in resting his cheek against the elder’s shoulder with his face angled against his hyung’s warm skin, allowing his lips to softly brush his neck. He inhaled Yoongi’s scent and appreciated the moment for all it was worth.  
“Lean on us when you need that crutch; don’t turn to drugs or secrets again. Okay?”  
Taehyung didn’t respond. He just wanted to remain held in this moment while his mind was in turmoil. He wanted to explain to Yoongi how sad he had been and that he didn’t know how to dig himself out of this depression. He was lost in his confusion that he developed with his disordered ways, and couldn’t figure out how to receive the help he wanted without letting go of his newly created habits that made him feel better. He so badly just wanted to ask for help, but his dry mouth retained the words.

Yoongi liberated himself from the younger’s hold, and with that, left the room.

Taehyung stood in the unfamiliar room, lost and alone, but somehow tried to find the ray of hope the members were telling him was vastly approaching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone struggles at some point in their life. It’s okay to feel lost and not know what to do. Some emotions can be difficult to process and cause us to turn to unhealthy ways of coping.  
> For those of you currently dealing with a crisis, understand how important it is to talk to someone you trust. If family or friends are not reliable, find a teacher, doctor, counselor, or locate a crisis helpline. There’s also support groups available online.
> 
> It’s okay to be sad, angry, depressed, or scared. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, or going crazy. They are just emotions, and emotions are meant to be felt. These are very painful to feel at times, and many wish to hide from them, causing the suffering to just be a prolonging experience. Finding a supportive person will help when you just need a shoulder to hold you up.
> 
> If at any point, you hit a moment where you feel like you cannot handle life anymore, and you feel as if you have no one around that understands your pain, I will leave my contacts for anyone and everyone. I do not have the answers, but I can listen without judgement. Because that is the one thing people suffering need the most; is to be heard.
> 
> You’re not a burden. You’re not worthless. And you are important. 
> 
> The hardest thing to ever do, is telling somebody that you’re not okay.   
> If you don’t know what to say, or you’re just a shell of a human at that point, just send me a message with a 💜. I have used this for years on my Instagram ever since Taehyung introduced ‘Borahae’. 
> 
> I truly love you all with my whole heart and you deserve health and happiness.  
> Take care.
> 
> Instagram: _mybutt_  
> Email: kojiro44705@gmail.com


	21. War of Hormones (EXPLICIT)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung impatiently reached his hand up to grasp behind the younger’s neck to pull him back in for another round of smothering osculations.  
> Jungkook slid a hand under the elder’s jawline and stroked down his thin neck as he passed his tongue aggressively between his lips to taste the salty bite of the other male. Taehyung’s deep moan rang in Jungkook’s ears, causing his erection to painfully harden, nearly bursting from the sound alone.

“Hyung, are you going to take a shower?” Jungkook asked as he entered the shared bedroom.

Taehyung had been lost in thought after Yoongi left him alone in the empty space of the room before noticing Jungkook had entered quietly.

“Yeah, I have to,” Taehyung rasply said with a dry voice.   
He needed to wash the dried blood from his neck and out of his hair before turning in for the remainder of the night.  
“You want to get one together? I still need one too,” Jungkook innocently shared.  
It wasn’t unfamiliar for the two youngest to share the washroom at the same time, especially when Taehyung had been adamantly recommending it to the group since shortly after their debut. However, the elders appreciated showering solo, and quickly shot down his requests.  
“Do you want to go first?” Taehyung asked the youngest. His shame was telling him to self isolate for being a disgrace to the group, so he opted to allow Jungkook the right to clean up before him.  
“No, come on. We can both get it done at once,” Jungkook said as he tugged on Taehyung’s arm to guide him towards their bathroom.

Jungkook reached out and flipped the light switch to illuminate the immaculate space of their washroom.  
Taehyung noticed the blood that once marked up the clean, white floor, had been wiped away by one of the other members while he was at the hospital getting his stitches. He assumed it was, most likely, the youngest since he spent every opportunity to straighten up the house when it was in disarray.

Even though he didn’t have to, Jungkook helped his Hyung undress by first pulling the zipper down the front of his hooded jacket.  
Taehyung felt self conscious, knowing the way his body appeared with multiple bones jutting out from beneath his flesh, but he refused to hinder Jungkook’s helping hands as they patiently removed his layers. He was still exhausted from everything that occurred and was feeling troubled to find the energy to help himself with the simplest of tasks.  
Once he finished undressing Taehyung, Jungkook peeled off his own tight, black jeans, feeling the cool air bite at his clammy skin. He watched Taehyung stand still with his arms folded across himself in a failed attempt to hide his body and stay warm; his gaze never raising from the floor as he stared blankly at nothing in particular.  
"You ready?" Jungkook asked as he placed a hand on Taehyung's bare shoulder.  
Taehyung nodded while slowly creeping towards the glass shower stall.  
It was a large shower that would easily cater to the boys' needs without causing them to bump into each other during the cleansing session.

Taehyung stepped in first and moved to the back of the stall, out of reach of the awaiting shower stream. Jungkook stepped in second and turned the knob to get the water running. He was hit with the bitter, cold needlelike sting of the water and understood why Taehyung chose to hide at the back.  
Jungkook waited for the water temperature to become warm and then dipped his head under the stream, brushing his long hair back until it was completely soaked. Wiping water from his eyes, he reached out and waved a hand, beckoning for his hyung to come closer to him.  
Taehyung padded closer and began to submerge himself under the beads of water, but quickly recoiled when the bite of the water scattered across his broken flesh, causing the electric stings to repel him away further.  
"Here," Jungkook said after noticing the harsh look on Taehyung’s face. He moved under the shower head to block the stream with his back. He rotated Taehyung to face the back of the shower and pulled him against his chest and tilted his hyung’s head back to brush the water cascading down his chest onto his brother's hair until it was soaked and slicked back.  
Jungkook reached for the shampoo bottle and squirted a dollop in his palm. He swiped half onto his hair and then massaged the rest onto his hyung’s colored locks. He was careful while scrubbing around the area near Taehyung’s sideburn where tiny nicks from the broken mirror had set up.

Once Taehyung’s head was covered in small suds, Jungkook massaged the shampoo into his own hair. After quickly rinsing, he readjusted the temperature and placed his hands on his elder’s shoulders.  
"You ready?" Jungkook asked.  
Taehyung kept his eyes fixed down but moved back until he was pressed against Jungkook’s chest. Again, Jungkook tilted Taehyung’s head back and rinsed the bubbles from his hair. He looked at the length and thought Taehyung could use a hair trim since his bangs were becoming  
long and covered his beautiful eyes.

As Jungkook ran his hands through Taehyung’s long hair, making sure to get out all the excess shampoo, he watched Taehyung’s sullen face relax. His eyes were closed but he could see the tension flee every time he placed his hands against Taehyung’s body.  
He cautiously wrapped his nimble fingers near his hyung’s throat to caress the moistened skin. Taehyung instinctively craned his neck to allow Jungkook easier access to caress his nails softly across his flesh to stimulate the pleasurable nerve endings.  
The younger reached his other arm around the elder’s waist until he ceased to rest it passionately on Taehyung’s taut stomach.  
He leaned his face down to nip the skin against Taehyung’s neck with a hasty, hungry kiss.  
Taehyung wrapped his thin fingers around Jungkook’s hand on his neck, and brought it against his chest where he proceeded to clasp it flat against his chest as he stroked the skin with his thumb.  
Jungkook flexed his biceps, and squeezed Taehyung’s entire frame against his in a warm, wet embrace.  
“I love you, Hyung,” Jungkook breathily exhaled near Taehyung’s ear, causing euphoric chills to run throughout the elder’s entire body.  
Taehyung reached his arm up to rake his fingers through Jungkook’s slick hair before resting it on the nape of his neck. He leaned his head against Jungkook’s shoulder, and angled his face until his lips almost touched Jungkook’s skin.  
“I’m sorry for being a bad Hyung to you. I really am not someone to look up to in the slightest,” Taehyung apologetically told the younger as he massaged the tense muscles in Jungkook’s neck.  
“You’re perfect no matter what you do,” Jungkook quickly disregarded as he released Taehyung and spun him so they were now face to face. He gently placed his palm against Taehyung’s cheek near the discolored skin, still finding Taehyung’s features to be breathtakingly captivating despite the sickening bruised flesh flecked with bits of dried blood.  
“There’s nothing I can say to convey my true feelings that you’ll believe right now. So I’m just going to tell you that I love you with all my heart, and that I’ll do anything for you that you could ever need.”   
Jungkook pulled Taehyung into his chest to give him the tightest hug he had ever given someone. “I promised to protect you, no matter what, and that’s what I plan to continue doing for you.”  
Taehyung rubbed his palms against Jungkook’s broad, muscular back, feeling the muscles flexing with the slight, methodic rock the younger subconsciously was doing during his comforting hug.  
“I love you, Hyung,” Jungkook repeated as he slid his fingers down Taehyung’s back until he reached the fleshy part of the elder’s thin backside where he proceeded to cup the skin in a more romantic, lustful way.  
“I love you too, Kookie,” Taehyung said, resting his cheek flush against Jungkook’s shoulder, and stilling his hands to softly grip the muscles flexed in the younger’s back.  
Jungkook tilted his face and pressed his lips against the pillowy softness of Taehyung’s pout. He inhaled deeply as he partially opened his mouth and passionately passed his tongue between Taehyung’s lips to stroke the elder’s awaiting organ.  
While kissing his Hyung with deepening romantic pleasure, Jungkook dominantly took a step forward until Taehyung’s back pressed against the shower wall. He reciprocated the playful kiss by massaging Jungkook’s roaming tongue with his own.  
The younger ground his hips into Taehyung’s while he stroked the nape of his neck as they kissed. His masculine erection dug into Taehyung’s thigh as he continued to pulsate the throbbing girth against his flesh.  
Jungkook detached from the liplock to catch his labored breath, noticing the redness around Taehyung’s gaping square mouth as he panted heavily. The stubble from Jungkook’s unshaven face, and the force of the kiss caused the skin around the elder’s mouth to become decorated with pink love reminders. Jungkook couldn’t control himself with the sight of Taehyung. Listening to his panting with the water glistening across his lips made his erection quiver with greater desires.

Taehyung impatiently reached his hand up to grasp behind the younger’s neck to pull him back in for another round of smothering osculations.  
Jungkook slid a hand under the elder’s jawline and stroked down his thin neck as he passed his tongue aggressively between his lips to taste the salty bite of the other male. Taehyung’s deep moan rang in Jungkook’s ears, causing his erection to painfully harden, nearly bursting from the sound alone.

He grabbed onto Taehyung’s hip, running his hand down his supple cheek until reaching his slim thigh, and hoisted his leg up to press his erection deeper against the male’s hot groin.  
Taehyung arched his back without breaking away from the kiss, and swiveled his hips against Jungkook’s throbbing cock, nearly begging for more.  
Jungkook glided his hand under Taehyung’s lifted thigh until he reached the center of his backside where he allowed his curious fingers to prod the delicate skin. The water from the shower, mixing with the shampoo residue, had made Taehyung’s skin slick with moisture on his lower half. Feeling the difference in skin texture, Jungkook gently slid his middle finger around the rim of Taehyung’s opening to prepare him for more pleasure.  
Taehyung moaned even louder as he broke the kiss to tilt his head back and arch his back even more from the pleasurable sensations the younger was tormenting him with.  
“Oh, Hyung!” Jungkook gasped after hearing Taehyung’s deep, lustful moan singing in his ears again. He leaned his hand against the shower wall while tastefully nipping and sucking at the skin of Taehyung’s shoulder. He was struggling to contain himself since it had been a long time since they had been together in a romantic atmosphere.  
“Oh, Kookie,” Taehyung moaned while scratching his fingers down Jungkook’s tense back.  
Jungkook raised his head from marking the elder’s flesh to lean his forehead against Taehyung’s while he panted with uncontrollable arousal.  
“I’ve missed you so much,” Jungkook breathily exhaled, allowing his lips to graze Taehyung’s in a titillating tease.  
He delivered another quick, deep kiss before retracting back, driving Taehyung’s arousal wild with wanting more from the maknae.  
“I want you so bad right now,” he gasped again, nearly begging for an immediate release.  
Taehyung looked into Jungkook’s lust drunk eyes as he panted for air, hardly able to control himself either.  
“I don’t know if I’m ready, yet,” Taehyung warned, after noticing himself tensing up from Jungkook’s playful fingers near his entrance.  
Jungkook assertively pressed a final, hot kiss against Taehyung’s soft lips before whispering, “I’ll go slow.”  
Jungkook eagerly glided his hand back around Taehyung’s hip to return his fingers near the awaiting tight opening. He slid his finger around the rim to glisten the hole with shampoo residue to make insertion less painful. He slightly pressed his middle finger into Taehyung, but ceased his movement when he felt his hyung tense up and construct his muscles even more.  
“Relax,” Jungkook instructed through whispers before attempting to press his finger further in.  
“Ah!” Taehyung yelped from the frictional pain occurring.  
“Put your arms around my neck and hold onto me,” Jungkook coaxed, taking a dominating stance to support both of their weight.  
Taehyung obediently wrapped his arms around Jungkook’s neck and felt the younger press harder against him, pinning him against the shower wall.  
The Golden Maknae placed his fingers at the entrance a second time before pausing.  
“Are you ready?” Jungkook asked, trying to control his movements so Taehyung felt more pleasure than pain. He knew this was going to hurt since it had been so long, and he didn’t want to traumatize the skin since he wanted Taehyung to feel mainly pleasure from this. 

“Not yet,” Taehyung timidly said.  
“Just relax,” Jungkook demanded again. He playfully nipped at Taehyung’s lower lip, before colliding his mouth back to passionately tonguing the elder.  
As they stroked their tongues against each other, Jungkook waited to hear Taehyung’s guttural moan once more before plunging his middle finger sharply inside him.  
Taehyung kicked his head back against the shower wall and dug his nails into Jungkook’s skin while he winced in pain from the quick insertion.  
“It’s okay, it’s okay! Just relax now and it’ll start to feel good. Just relax,” Jungkook coached Taehyung as he felt the muscles tighten around his finger, nearly cutting off circulation to the appendage.  
“Ow-oh!” Taehyung coughed as he gripped the younger.  
“I’m gonna start moving now,” Jungkook said as he felt the pressure around his finger ease in intensity slightly.  
“No wait!” Taehyung begged, still experiencing more pain than pleasure.  
“Shhh, just trust me,” Jungkook said, slowly easing his finger rhythmically out and in from Taehyung. He could feel the tension lessening with each pump as his finger became slicker, and easier to slide in and out.  
He felt Taehyung’s entire body quiver and jerk as he pumped his hand faster, realizing the euphoric pleasure was starting to take over his Hyung.  
“You’re doing good. I’m gonna add another now,” Jungkook heatedly whispered.  
Taehyung could barely function anymore. His body was involuntarily jerking with immense pleasure as he felt Jungkook’s fingers massaging his prostate at the perfect angle. His erection throbbed as he neared and he quickly kicked back against the wall before gripping onto Jungkook’s working arm to still his movement.  
“Im gonna cum!” He blurted out with his eyes rolling back in his head as he tried to suppress his orgasm.  
“You ready for me?” Jungkook asked, halting all movements while waiting for his hyung’s answer.  
Taehyung nodded while biting his lower lip, causing Jungkook’s excitement to skyrocket from how sexy he looked.  
He eased his fingers back out, allowing Taehyung to gasp from the sudden change in sensations, but soon pressed his massive, throbbing erection through the opening before he had a chance to lose the slack in elasticity he had built up.  
Jungkook didn’t warn Taehyung before impaling him upon his sword. Taehyung stiffened his body from the swollen girth that was ferociously inserted, but soon adjusted by arching his back again as Jungkook pumped his hips, allowing the lubrication of his precum to hasten the pleasurable sensations once again.  
“Oh god, you feel so good,” Jungkook moaned as he slowed his hips and began to grind deeply into the elder to prolong his erection.  
“I want to cum together,” Taehyung moaned while holding onto Jungkook’s shoulders, barely able to open his eyes from the intense pleasure.  
After hearing Taehyung’s desires, Jungkook grabbed onto the older male’s hips and thrusted powerfully and swiftly into him, hitting just the appropriate spot that would make both erupt at once.  
“Huff! Huff! Ohhh!” Taehyung could feel his body warm up as he released his load between their bodies.  
Jungkook noticed the sticky semen glistening down Taehyung’s half-flaccid cock and made several more rough thrusts before orgasming deep inside of him, filling his hole with hot fluid that was pumped out with the last few quivering thrusts.  
Both males gasped as they clung to each other, trying to catch their breath and contain their faulty footing as their knees shook with their orgasmic release.

As he caught his breath from his panting state, Jungkook lovingly placed his hands against Taehyung’s cheeks and gave him a dry kiss against his, now, chapped lips.  
When he reeled back from the simple peck of a kiss, he watched the corners of Taehyung’s mouth raise into the familiar boxy shape he remembered so well. It had been months since he last saw his Hyung smile without faking it for the cameras, or the fans, so his heart was content just gazing into his hyung’s eyes for the moment.  
He leaned in for a second kiss, but held this one longer, allowing for a nip of the lower lip, before continuing forward to wrap his arms around Taehyung.  
Jungkook inhaled deeply feeling his heart thumping from the excitement moments ago, slowly going back to a steady rhythm.  
“I love you, Hyung,” Jungkook softly spoke lovingly near Taehyung’s ear.  
Taehyung reciprocated the hug, and rested his weak arms around the younger’s sturdy waist.  
“I love you, too, Kookie.” With his knees weak and his body tired, Taehyung could hardly stand to finish the shower. He felt comforted in Jungkook’s arms, and wanted to stay in them for the remainder of the night without moving. He wanted to stay in this ephemeral moment for as long as he could.

“Are you in any pain?” Jungkook asked, taking a step back to look his Hyung in the eyes. It had been a long time since they had done anything, so his concern was getting too rough with the elder and hurting him during their love making. He had a tendency to become overly rough in his aroused state like a wild animal, and had to be told from time to time to take it slow.  
Taehyung offered a crooked smile and calmly tapped his palm against Jungkook’s broad chest, “no, I’m okay.”  
Jungkook gripped the nape of Taehyung’s neck and gave one final, passionate kiss before pulling away.  
“The hot water will run out soon; we should finish up before it gets cold.”  
Jungkook reached for the washcloth and splashed it with body wash. He did a quick once over on himself thinking the washcloth would be soiled after cleaning the blood grime from Taehyung, even though the water had washed most of the events from earlier off his skin.  
The younger male rinsed the cloth and added fresh soap to it. He began carefully washing the dried blood on Taehyung’s face, being gentle enough not to break open the small cuts near his ear.  
The younger rubbed Taehyung’s back with the cloth before noticing a pink trail of water infused blood trickling down the elder’s inner thigh.  
“Ah, I’m sorry Hyung,” Jungkook apologized with great remorse. He assumed Taehyung wasn’t ready enough and the rough friction from his excitement caused him to bleed slightly from his dominance.  
Taehyung shook his head and tapped his fingers gently against the younger’s shoulder, “no, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”  
He didn’t mind the pain for the moment; it was enough to focus his mind on the physical distraction instead of the roaming thoughts fluttering through his mind regarding the previous discussion amid the group.  
Jungkook slowly pulled back so he could gently continue washing Taehyung’s body.  
He ran the sudsy cloth down the elder’s backside carefully so not to aggravate the traumatized skin further. He could sense Taehyung’s discomfort when he glanced at his hyung’s tight, white knuckled grip on the shelf holding the shower supplies.  
He hadn’t taken into consideration Taehyung was weaker now, and more fragile than he used to be with his weight loss. But his arousal was too much to control from his excitement with just being close to his Hyung once again.  
Both males rinsed the soap residue from their bodies and then Jungkook turned the shower head off.  
He stepped out of the shower, letting the warm steam escape the enclosed space, and wrapped a towel neatly around his waist. He grabbed the second towel and held it open for Taehyung to use.  
As Taehyung slowly crept forward out of the shower stall, Jungkook placed the towel on his head and aggressively rubbed it over his hair. He draped the towel over Taehyung’s head before long, and let it dangle around the male’s body, nearly covering his entire small frame with the puffy, oversized terrycloth.   
The elder pulled the cloth around his shoulders to hide his body from the impending cold temperatures outside of the steamy warmth of the shower.  
Jungkook grabbed a hairbrush and reached out for Taehyung.  
"Come on," he coaxed as he took Taehyung’s hand into his. He flipped off the light and walked out of the bathroom with Taehyung trailing tirelessly behind.

The two brothers found Jimin in the bedroom waiting on one of the beds with a change of clothes for both of them by his side.  
Jimin’s eyes fell to his friend and he forced a bashful smile towards him.  
"Hey, Taetae," Jimin cooed. He stretched out a hand and Taehyung immediately traipsed across the floor towards him.  
As Jungkook handed Jimin the hairbrush, Jimin pulled Taehyung down so he was sitting on the edge of the bed in between his thin, spread legs, with his back facing him. He did a quick tussle of the towel over his damp locks and then released the towel so it laid bunched at Taehyung’s waist. It was then with all the blood washed away, Jimin could see every protruding bone in Taehyung’s shoulders and back, rippling down his spine as he leaned forward from exhaustion.  
Jimin raked the brush through Taehyung’s colorful hair while Jungkook grabbed the change of clothes Jimin had laid out for him and proceeded to change furtively.  
"Thanks," Jungkook said as he tied the drawstring to his lounge pants.  
"You're welcome," Jimin replied while still focusing on brushing Taehyung’s hair.  
Jimin wrapped his arms around his lithe friend, letting his chin find rest in the crook of Taehyung’s neck.  
"You ready to sleep, Taetae?” Jimin asked, as he was past the point of exhaustion himself.  
Taehyung reached a hand up and held onto Jimin’s forearm, finding peace and safety in his friend’s arms. He closed his eyes wishing he could have this comforting feeling forever.  
Jungkook swiped a hand through Taehyung’s freshly brushed hair, giving a playful tussle before returning to the bathroom to blow dry his own long hair.  
Jimin released his arms, gave a loving pat softly against Taehyung’s chest, and reached for the clothes he had laid out. He grabbed the boxers first while Taehyung stood up and turned to face him.  
Placing his hands on Jimin’s shoulders, Taehyung lifted one foot at a time to help get himself dressed. But after the boxers were on, Taehyung didn't want any more fabric touching his sore body. He moved past Jimin and began crawling onto the queen sized bed.  
"You don't want anything else," Jimin asked while aiding Taehyung up to the pillows. He found the irony of Taehyung wanting to sleep with less clothing, and Jungkook fully getting dressed in lounge pants and a T-shirt quite opposite than usual.  
"No. I just want to sleep," Taehyung replied drowsily.  
Jimin pulled the comforter down and waited for Taehyung to get his spindly limbs under before pulling it over his friend’s body.  
"Are you sleeping here with me?" Taehyung asked, lightly holding onto Jimin’s wrist.  
"Do you want me to?" Jimin inquired, knowing tonight’s sleeping arrangements were for him and the maknae to share a bed and Taehyung had the other completely to himself.  
Taehyung nodded with half lidded eyes.  
"Okay," Jimin confirmed. He removed his black hoody, exposing a white, thick long sleeved shirt underneath, and kicked his socks off. He tossed everything in the corner in a heaping pile, not caring at this point to tidy things up.  
"Move over," Jimin preciously said as he gave his friend a playful shove, careful not to hurt Taehyung’s bruised body.  
He crawled under the covers and laid on his folded hands, resting them behind his head, and exhaled a long sigh of exhaustion.  
He stared at the ceiling knowing sleep would elude him due to the dancing thoughts in his wandering mind regarding Taehyung’s drug use and Namjoon’s future once disclosing the information to management about the scuffle that ensued after the campfire.

Jungkook walked back into the bedroom with his hair soft and fluffy from the hair dryer. He meandered over to the light switch and flicked it off, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness with the aid of the small nightlight illuminating his path towards the bed.  
“Kookie,” Jimin called out to the maknae. He raised his arm up to express that he wanted a hug from the youngest.  
Jungkook wandered over to the couple and playfully gripped onto Jimin’s small hand, slightly jostling it to lighten the mood.  
“Kookie, sleep here,” Jimin joked as he interlaced his fingers with the younger kid and slightly wriggled his arm back and forth.  
“I’m too big,” Jungkook laughed, knowing he was in the running as becoming the largest member next to Namjoon.  
“You’ll fit. Here,” Taehyung said as he pressed back into Jimin and lifted the covers to expose the open area near the edge of the mattress.  
“I can’t fit there,” Jungkook laughed.  
“Yes you will. Lay down,” Jimin coaxed while pulling on his arm so he’d lose his balance and sit down.  
“Here, I’ll hold onto you so you won’t fall out,” Taehyung joked.  
Jungkook obeyed his playful hyungs and laid down next to Taehyung. Jimin wrapped his arms past Taehyung to grab ahold of Jungkook’s arms, sandwiching his friend between them both.  
“See, you fit just fine,” Jimin jeered.  
They were in perfect syzygy laying in the bed together.  
Despite the discussion earlier, the maknae line seemed at peace for the moment, laying together and enjoying each others’ presence.  
Jimin’s mind was racing with questions he wanted to ask of his friend, but he disregarded them due to the late hour, and didn’t want to inhibit Jungkook’s slumber. Even if he couldn’t find the opportunity to slip into a peaceful rest, he hoped for the other two to find some sleep.


	22. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Being afraid shows that we are human. You can run from it, or take control of it. I trust you’ll make the right decision.”  
> The manager clapped his hands down gently against Taehyung’s shoulders.  
> “Please eat with the members again today. Our flight will happen soon enough, and then we’ll arrange your schedule for a doctor visit.  
> “Take care, Taehyung-ssi.”

“Is everything okay?” Hoseok asked Namjoon as his friend entered the shared bedroom in the rental house.

He had been waiting impatiently for the leader and Taehyung to return from their impromptu meeting with the directors and managers to disclose the secrets that were being kept, and the resulting assault that occurred afterward.

“They want to have a meeting with the entire group now,” Namjoon sullenly said. “I have to go get the others, so get yourself ready.”  
“But what did they say? Is everything okay? Are you okay?” Hoseok rattled.   
His mind was running wild with worries of the unknown:   
Are they pulling contracts?   
Are they still a seven member group?   
Is Namjoon being punished for striking a member?   
Is Taehyung being reprimanded for taking drugs?   
Is he getting treatment? 

Namjoon took a moment to calm his friend’s frantic thoughts after hearing the stressed tension in his questioning voice, “they didn’t say much to Taehyung and me, rather, they said they’d give their decision to the entire group.” He paused for a breath and looked away, “I wish I could give you something more substantial, but I can only tell you the facts for now. So come on, get ready.”

After gathering the other members and returning to the conference hall located at the hotel where the staff was staying, the discussion was about to begin with managements’ decision.

“We’ve talked it over after Namjoon-ssi and Taehyung-ssi brought all the data to us in regards to last night’s ordeal.   
“We’re not going to reprimand Namjoon-ssi for inflicting an injury upon Taehyung-ssi since his guilt and regret should be punishment enough.  
“That being said, we are going to make an official announcement that BTS will be taking an official, and extended, break from all media and work obligations.  
“We decided this to allow Taehyung-ssi‘s wounds to heal, and to get medical procedures scheduled without the worry of performances and interviews getting in the way.  
“The rest of you will be free to do whatever you want to recuperate during this undisclosed amount of time.”

The members seemed bewildered by the lack of consequences doled out for the scuffle last night, and instead, feeling like they were being rewarded with a vacation to rest their overworked bodies.  
“PD-nim, are we really allowed to do whatever we want?” Jimin asked, surprised at their first official break since debuting.  
“That is correct. You may travel, visit family and friends...take time to rest since you’ve been working exceptionally hard this past year since going global. We have noticed you’ve been getting injured and coming down with illnesses quite often and would like you to take care of your health for awhile.  
“You will be required to take your manager and bodyguards with you when traveling abroad for obvious reasons. And we ask that you avoid situations that look bad for the company and the group. Keep in mind to stay professional with your actions and words.  
“Now, if there are no more questions, you are free to begin your vacation. You can get with a staff member to discuss flight arrangements if you wish to fly out of here, but everyone else will be flying back to Korea in two days if you plan to stay the remainder of this time here.”

The members each looked around at the staffs’ smiling faces beaming back at them before breaking out in elated grins of their own.

Slowly, the members began to file out before Manager Sejin called out to one individual in particular.   
“Taehyung-ssi, please stay behind. We have to talk to you about your care.”  
Jimin looked wearily towards his friend and was concerned Taehyung wasn’t going to have a joyful experience like the rest of the members were about to embark upon.

Taehyung sat back down at the conference table to listen to Manager Sejin’s decision regarding his health.  
“Taehyung-ssi, I apologize you can’t afford to leave the country due to the procedures we have scheduled for you. We also can’t have you going to airports until your face heals so your image doesn’t get passed around on social media. We can’t allow this dispute to go past these walls with the UNICEF campaign in place. Your makeup artist can cover it for the trip back to Korea, but also wear a mask and hat to cover up as much as possible.  
“You will be seeing a physician in Seoul that will determine the tests you need right away. We also have a feeding clinic lined up if we notice you aren’t cooperating with eating on your own. We would prefer to allow you to go at your own pace, but if you continue to do harm to yourself, we will intervene and take you to the clinic where you’ll be under twenty-four hour watch.”  
Taehyung felt his heart sink while listening to Manager Sejin deciding his fate for him. He was against more testing, but he understood the staff was trying to do their best with concerns for his health at the moment.  
“Are you okay with these restrictions?” The manager kindly asked the youngest in the room.  
“Yes,” Taehyung politely responded. There was no point in trying to bargain as the management team had already locked in their decision.  
“We’ll schedule your first appointment as soon as possible as to not draw these circumstances out for long. Keep your phone on you and we’ll call you when you need to be ready to leave once we’re back in Korea. Until then, you have these two days to rest.”

Taehyung bowed his head and gratuitously thanked the staff for being reasonable pertaining to the entire situation.  
He turned again, nearly out the door when another manager spoke up, “actually, Taehyung-ssi, before you go, I received an offer specifically for you.”  
Taehyung stopped in the doorway, hesitating with the odd announcement and unsure if this was meant to be good news or bad.  
“Please, take a seat for a moment,” the manager gestured back to the seat Taehyung had just vacated.  
“I received an email from an American casting agent that was asking if you would be interested in filming for a television series. They saw you in Hwarang, and are willing to work around your schedule to a certain extent. Obviously, they have deadlines they must meet for filming, but they are willing to shoot your scenes more rapidly than a regular filming schedule for the series so you can still promote with the group.  
“However, with recent events, our schedule is now free to better work with the production company. The decision is ultimately yours to make, but this would be an opportunity to break out into western filming for you if you wish to continue pursuing an acting career, as well. It will also expose an entire audience to BTS through your acting if you do choose to follow through with this opportunity.”

Taehyung was caught off guard with the offer, especially after being told he was going to be spending time getting procedures over the next month, but he was excited to have the chance to act once again.  
“Umm, when would filming begin?” Taehyung stuttered, curious about it coinciding with his facial wounds healing.  
“They would like you there in a month to start working with a vocal coach to learn your lines in English, and then filming would begin later. That would give us time to schedule your appointments, and allow your face to heal properly before you’d have to leave.”  
“How long will I be in America?” Taehyung asked, assuming an American series would be filmed in the states.  
“They’re actually filming in Japan. They’re scheduling fifteen weeks for actors, trying to film thirteen episodes with one episode per week, and then reshoots for two weeks. But they are offering to rush your scenes for the possibility of promotions with the group, so you won’t be there for the full filming duration. It would definitely be at least two months straight including the first month working with the tutor for your English.”

Taehyung was beginning to feel excitement fluttering in his stomach the more his manager spoke about the opportunity.  
“Umm, when are they expecting my decision? I just don’t want to make a commitment when I’m unsure of the testing and then have to back out.”  
“You have a week before I have to respond with your decision.”  
“Taehyung-ssi,” Manager Sejin spoke up again, “we can make it work if you wish to take this role. This will be your opportunity to focus on regaining your weight, and building up your health as long as you follow the doctor’s orders for the duration you’re home. But if you disobey the lifestyle we’re implementing, you will lose this opportunity if you are placed in a clinic for twenty-four hour watch, where we no longer will have control of your rights.”  
Taehyung nodded; seeing to the idea that the staff was waving the ultimatum in front of him to grasp outright for his own benefits. He desperately wanted to act again, but knowing   
if he didn’t change his ways immediately, he would lose the opportunity presenting itself.

“Think it over; you have a week to make a decision, and the staff will take care of scheduling your appointments. One of us will get with you tomorrow morning, so please be awake around 9 o’clock. You don’t have to get ready for anything, just be awake,” Manager Sejin commanded.  
“Yes, thank you,” Taehyung said, standing up and bowing to the staff seated across from him.   
He wasn’t sure what the manager meant by ‘being awake, but not having to be ready’ tomorrow morning.   
Maybe to go over finer details about the acting role is all he could fathom to guess.  
“Taehyung-ssi,” Manager Sejin continued before Taehyung turned to leave, “we run a company, yes, but seeing to your health is our number one priority right now. Don’t think that you can’t come to us when you’re struggling for fear we’ll terminate your contract. If you need something, let someone know. Do you understand?”  
“Yes, thank you,” Taehyung said with another bow.   
He turned and left the conference hall to go find the rest of the members waiting for him downstairs.

The members were dropped off at the rental property for the remainder of the day. They had a lot on their mind with the unusual offer of an official break to be free to do whatever they pleased for an undetermined amount of time.  
Taehyung shuffled to his room with Jimin following right behind.   
Closing the door quietly behind them, Jimin spoke to his friend, “so what’d they have to say to you?”  
Taehyung turned to see his friend still hanging onto the doorknob with his hands behind his back.  
“I have an offer to act in an American series filming in Japan.”  
Jimin’s eyes widened as much as they could and the corners of his mouth tilted upwards. “Really?! That’s amazing, Taetae!”  
He crossed the room to sit next to his friend on one of the beds.  
“Are you going to take it?” Jimin asked, knowing how much Taehyung enjoyed acting previously.  
“I want to, but I’m not sure with the testing the staff wants to get done if I’ll be able to.”   
Taehyung fiddled with the fabric of his sleeve, hanging past his hand, in a nervous gesture.  
Jimin reached his arm around his friend and pulled him into his side, “What did management have to say about that?” He asked concernedly.  
“I have to see a physician once we fly back to Korea, but they said they could work around a filming schedule if it’s what I want to do.”  
“That’s amazing, Taehyungie! Why don’t you seem as thrilled as I am?” Jimin said trying to cheer his friend up.  
“I’m just nervous, I guess.”  
“What are you nervous about?”  
“What if I get sick while I’m by myself in Japan? If I could stay this way, I could manage-“  
“No, Taehyung-ah, you’re not doing this anymore,” Jimin’s cheerful tone took a sudden turn as the stern sound resonating in his vocal cords came out abruptly with the message he wanted to convey. “I don’t care about the filming or opportunities if it’ll keep you sick. If BTS failed and we all had to go our separate ways just so you’d become healthy again, I’d wish for that to happen in a heartbeat without a second thought. I care too much about you to sacrifice your health for career opportunities. I love you, Taehyungie.”  
Jimin wrapped his other arm around Taehyung to deliver an embrace that sealed his intentions.  
Taehyung tilted his head to rest on Jimin’s shoulder while he clutched onto his friend’s arm that was tightly clenching at his chest.

——————  
  
The next morning, Manager Sejin arrived early to the rental property to check up on the members.   
He greeted Namjoon, whom was reading a novel in the living room with his feet kicked up onto the couch.   
“Were you planning to fly back to Korea with the rest of the staff tomorrow?” The manager asked on a friendly basis.  
“Yes. I think I’ll stay in Korea for most of the break, as well,” Namjoon mentioned.  
“Is your guilty conscience making it so you won’t travel?” The manager asked, assuming the leader felt remorseful obligations to stay homebound after assaulting Taehyung.  
“I was planning to go to his appointments with him since he isn’t able to travel like the others.”  
The manager hesitated and then spoke calmly to the leader, “you’re very loyal. I’m sure Taehyung will appreciate the kind gesture. But please don’t let it interfere with your own happiness. You need to forgive yourself for everything you think you’ve done wrong to that kid. Taehyung has already forgiven you; I expect you to do the same; you don’t have to punish yourself for these misdeeds.”  
“I know; but I want to be there for him.”  
Manager Sejin sucked in his bottom lip and nodded his reluctant confirmation at Namjoon’s respectful leadership.  
And with that, he left the room.

Manager Sejin crept stealthily up the stairs, noticing most of the members were still asleep in their beds and not wanting to disturb them, he managed to pass each room unnoticed. 

He made his way to the room the maknae line was occupying and casually opened the door. Knowing how difficult Taehyung was to awaken in the past, he was surprised to see him sitting up on his bed with Jimin and Jungkook sleeping together in the adjacent bed.  
The manager quietly whistled for Taehyung’s attention, which was patiently focused on his phone with one earbud positioned in his ear, and beckoned a finger for him to follow him out of the room.  
Taehyung swung his legs to one side and followed the manager out into the hallway, where he quietly closed the door behind him.  
“How was your sleep?” Sejin asked kindly.  
“I stayed up playing games most of the night,” Taehyung admitted.   
His mind was too restless to get any restful sleep, so he tried to focus on video games to clear any mental distress.  
“Well, I’m here to get your weight to see where we’re at, currently. Please follow me to the other bathroom. There’s a scale in there.”  
Taehyung padded along behind the manager, resistant in his mind, but physically obeying his every command.

They entered the bathroom and the manager closed the door behind him for privacy concerns. He brought the scale out to the middle of the floor and positioned it so he could see the numbers clearly.  
“Please undress, Taehyung-ssi. You can leave your underwear on, but everything else needs removed.”  
Taehyung was embarrassed to have his bony body shamefully exposed in front of the manager, even though he had been used to undressing in front of the staff for every concert with costume changes in the past. But this was different; this wasn’t just a quick change for work- this was to see how bad he had let himself go.

Taehyung stepped on the scale and watched the numbers hit triple digits before teetering between a few numbers after the decimal.  
“102.6 pounds, Taehyung-ssi,” Manager Sejin read, sounding disappointed with the number. Even despite the American scale not displaying in metric measurements, Taehyung knew the number was severely low. His rough conversion in his head led him to guessing he was around 46.5 kilograms.

“You may get dressed now,” Sejin sighed as he pulled out his phone and noted the measured weight to compare with future measurements.

Taehyung hurriedly replaced his clothes to hide his body once again, while the manager took a seat on the lidded toilet.  
“How is your head- do you have a headache?” Manager Sejin asked, referencing coming off suddenly from the Amphetamines.  
Taehyung shook his head minimally, “it’s alright.”  
The manager released a long, slow exhale, expressing annoyance and concern with Taehyung’s current health status.  
“Did you eat last night with the other members?”  
“Jin-Hyung made me rice and roasted sweet potatoes.”  
“Did you eat everything?”  
“Most of it,” Taehyung said feeling a wave of guilt blanket over him out of nowhere.  
“Did you keep it down?”  
“Yes,” Taehyung responded, nearly whispering the answer. He felt ashamed with the manager finding it necessary to question him like the guilty party in a police interrogation; though, he had good reason to do so and wasn’t out of line to ask.

“Did you feel sick at all during the night?”  
“Maybe a little.”  
“Well, Taehyung-ssi, it’s going to be difficult to tell if any nausea is stemming from your illness, withdrawals from the pills, or simply allowing your digestion to adjust to having food again. But it’s commendable that you are taking steps in the right direction.”  
Taehyung bobbed his head in acknowledgement to what the manager had to say, but he couldn’t help feel annoyed with himself that he was being applauded for the simple task of eating. It was a basic necessity that people did everyday and never receive any accolades for doing what is considered the norm. He felt as though his timid, milquetoast persona made him appear childlike to the manager now; someone that had to be taken care of.

“Taehyung-ssi, your health is my main concern at the moment. I would resign from my position as manager just to ensure you were doing well in life to show you how much I care. I don’t need you to get better for the sake of the group; I want you to get better because you’re worth it. I understand you don’t want to make anymore hospital visits, but it’s the only way to get your health back to where it was before all this occurred. I mean it when I say, ‘if you need anything, please let someone know’. Everything is currently on hold, so everyone is available at a moment’s notice. Please use those lifelines when the time arises and you need something from us. Don’t hesitate to ask for help.”  
The manager paused his kind words to notice Taehyung’s head lowered and glistening pearls of sadness falling from his hazy brown eyes.  
“Come here, Taehyung-ah,” Manager Sejin said, getting up from his seated position and holding his arms open for Taehyung to come close.  
Taehyung felt rigid as he allowed the manager’s towering stature to offer a consoling hug, conveying his love towards him. 

“Is there something you’re not telling me, Taehyung-ah?” The manager asked, lifting the clouding veil and exposing Taehyung’s hinderance to reciprocate the embrace.  
He felt the boy stiffen in his grip, giving him the idea Taehyung was, in fact, hiding something.  
He released Taehyung and took a step back to send a professional glare in order to get the younger to speak his truths.  
“What is it?”  
“Ummm, I-I...” Taehyung stuttered feeling uncomfortable speaking to Manager Sejin about this personal issues now.  
“Did you do something you weren’t supposed to last night?” The manager asked, signifying that he wasn’t about to drop the subject until he received an answer.  
“No! I did everything I was asked of,” Taehyung forced his words out, beginning to feel frustrated rather quickly.  
“Are you wanting the pills?” The manager quietly asked, like it should be a secret kept only between them.  
Taehyung froze in his transparency, feeling as if the manager was able to read him like an open book.  
“I feel really depressed and angry all of a sudden and I can’t stop thinking about them.”  
“That’s the withdrawals from the effects they have on you, most likely. You’re going to feel miserable, and your mind is going to make you crave them so you’ll be more inclined to seek them out.”  
The manager hindered his words for a moment to allow Taehyung to understand what he was saying.  
“Please do not seek out those urges once we’re back in Korea. I mean it, Taehyung-ssi. We can look into counseling once we return if you find it too difficult to stay sober.”  
Taehyung found it odd hearing that vernacular being thrown out. ‘Sober’ and ‘counseling’ are terms he would hear when talking about an addict; but he wasn’t an addict- he was a professional; an idol.

“Are you afraid, Taehyung-ssi?” The manager asked while eyeing the younger, watching him fidget awkwardly and waiting for his chance to leave.  
“About what?” Taehyung inquired, debating on whether he wanted to completely disclose his emotional state with his manager, or deny the existence of fear.  
“About anything. What are you afraid of?”  
“A lot,” Taehyung hindered with his admittance.  
“What exactly? Please elaborate.” The manager had an expression of concern cascade over his face, revealing the more humanesque, fatherly side.  
“I don’t know how to go back to being who I was before I got sick. I’m afraid to eat anything since I don’t want to experience that pain again. I’m afraid I won’t know how to function without the pills providing me energy with our hectic work schedule. Im afraid I’m losing control of how to live with others taking responsibility for my actions. I’m afraid I’ve disappointed everyone that knows me in so many ways...” Taehyung trailed off with his last fear, feeling this one hurt the most.   
Between the staff, his hyungs, the maknae, his family, and ARMY, he had fallen from glory at a rapid rate and didn’t deserve to be an idolized figure adorned in the spotlight anymore.  
“Taehyung-ssi, I want you to stop living with the hope of returning to the you that is now in the past. You’re now going to have to learn to live with an illness for the time being, you’re going to have to rebuild everyone’s trust around you, and you’re going to have to live knowing that you nearly hit rock bottom. This is your opportunity to rebuild relationships and reinvent yourself into somebody you appreciate. Get the procedures done now, so you can move on from this fiasco and continue with your career. Right now, you can choose to either ignore this part of your life, or you can make something better out of it. Write it down. Compose music. Tell your story for others to hear that may be going through the same situation.   
“Being afraid shows that we are human. You can run from it, or take control of it. I trust you’ll make the right decision.”  
The manager clapped his hands down gently against Taehyung’s shoulders.  
“Please eat with the members again today. Our flight will happen soon enough, and then we’ll arrange your schedule for a doctor visit.  
“Take care, Taehyung-ssi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember first writing this chapter back when BTS took their break in the real world. Seems so long ago now that I think back to that time.


	23. Jamais Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Taehyung continued to wheeze roughly, Jin felt his grip loosen in his palm all at once.  
> “Taehyung?! Please don’t faint! I need you awake with me!” Jin pulled Taehyung to his chest and lifted the boy’s chin to elongate his neck and open his airway.  
> “Breathe in, Taehyung,” he shifted Taehyung’s body so his torso wasn’t being compressed like it had been when he was hunched over the toilet.
> 
> This was just like last time.
> 
> They were in this very position.
> 
> It was happening again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before beginning this chapter, I would like to ask for well wishes, prayers, and good vibes for a dear friend battling an illness today.
> 
> ARMY is family, and we all support one another.  
> 💜💚

After speaking with the manager, Taehyung returned to his room and crawled swiftly into the cold, empty bed. He caught sight of Jimin hugging himself in a tight ball while Jungkook was sprawled out on his stomach, taking up the majority of the bed; both still sound asleep while the awakening world began to stir.  
The second youngest pulled a pillow to his chest, and slowly drifted back to sleep with a pounding metronome happening in his head.

“Taehyungie.... Taehyungie...... are you awake?”  
Taehyung’s dry eyelids snapped open, revealing bloodshot whites across a doe-eyed stare as he startled awake from his deep sleep.  
He looked towards the edge of the bed and saw Jin hovering over him with his hulking frame. He quickly relaxed after processing his Hyung was the reason for the abrupt transition into consciousness after seeing the elder’s handsome, bare face.

“Taehyungie, it’s almost noon.”  
Taehyung rolled away in the bed, not wanting to be awake. He had a splitting headache and felt like he was going to throw up if he sat forward.  
“Taehyung-Ah, come on and have something to eat with me. What do you want? I’ll make it for you.” Jin pulled the covers from Taehyung’s thin figure huddling in a ball to expose his body to the frigid nip in the air.  
Taehyung scooted further from Jin’s reach in an effort to be left alone to sleep off his debilitating migraine.  
“Taehyungie,” Jin called, crawling onto the bed that was now askew with the covers laying haphazardly. He curled around Taehyung’s childlike fetal position, leaned on his elbow and craned over the younger’s torso to try to see his sleeping face.  
“Taehyung-Ah?” Jin called a second time, swiping his hand across Taehyung’s cheek before suddenly inhibiting his own movements with a striking realization. He placed the back of his hand against Taehyung’s forehead, and then moved it against his neck, just under his chin. He noticed the kid was alarmingly warm to the touch with tiny beads of sweat glistening across his tan skin.  
“Taehyungie, are you feeling alright?” Jin asked worriedly.  
“I have a really bad headache and feel sick,” Taehyung hazily responded to the elder.  
“Where’s Jiminie?” Taehyung asked with a drowsy voice.  
“He went to the art museum with Namjoon-ah a little while ago,” Jin answered as he raked his slender fingers through Taehyung’s hair.  
“Taehyungie, I’m going to call a manager to take you to the hospital. You look very ill.”  
Taehyung didn’t dispute anything Jin said, which worried the elder even more. Normally the younger would never relinquish the fight; instead choosing to say he was completely fine, but he just accepted what the eldest decided without argument.

After Jin hung up from speaking with one of the staff members, he returned his focus back to the sick boy laying in bed.  
“Taehyungie, do you want some water?” Jin was sitting upright with his leg running parallel to the younger’s back while he softly brushed his fingers through Taehyung’s hair to comfort him. He could feel the warmth resonating through the multiple layers of fabric and igniting heat on his leg pressing against Taehyung’s body.  
“No,” Taehyung throatily moaned with his discomfort.  
“You didn’t take anything, did you?” Jin asked, worried the younger would feel disheartened finding out he could no longer be trusted, but Jin found it necessary to ask for the sake of his health.  
Taehyung shook his head, but ceased at once when he felt the pounding in his skull maximize from the jostling movement.  
“Do you need anything right now?”  
Taehyung began to speak with a sense of urgency, “I think I’m going to throw up.”  
“Okay, come on,” Jin hastily grabbed Taehyung’s side, just under his armpit, to hoist him up into his arms and quickly walked to the bathroom.  
He could feel Taehyung’s dead weight in his arms, despite being so thin, as he made it to the bathroom just in time to lift the lid of the toilet before hearing a guttural retch within Taehyung’s throat.  
He allowed Taehyung’s legs to dangle while he waited for him to catch his footing, nearly falling just to get to the porcelain bowl quick enough to expel the contents of his stomach.  
Jin squatted behind Taehyung and rubbed his back while he listened to the younger retch and dry heave until nothing was left but tear filled eyes and whimpering moans.  
He briefly flicked his eyes into the bowl as he reached for the handle to flush away the aftermath, only to notice the liquid was now a deep, dark brown filth staining the inside of the bowl.  
“Taehyung, did you eat anything?”  
Taehyung shook his head as he leaned against the seat from sheer exhaustion.  
“When was the last time you ate?” Jin was hoping the color was from the previous meal the younger ate, but he assumed his stomach would have been empty by now.  
“Sweet potato and rice you made me,” Taehyung breathily gasped in response.

Jin watched as Taehyung panted heavily for breath while leaning on his arm, and hunkering over the toilet in exhaustion.  
It was too reminiscent of the time he found the boy in the same position, doing the same thing. He felt completely alone this time, knowing everyone was out of the house exploring the nearby cities.  
“Don’t worry, Taehyungie, the manager will be here soon and then you can go to the hospital. Just hang on for me, okay?”  
He stood up to grab the hand towel and proceeded to run it under cold water.  
This was too much like deja vu right now.  
He was reliving his nightmare and couldn’t wake up.  
Fortunately, Taehyung was still conscious, and the staff was on their way to help. But he was still frightened that the events would take a turn for the worst.

Jin knelt back down next to Taehyung and wiped his mouth clean for him. He wiped the cold cloth across Taehyung’s face, soaking up the sweat running down his clammy skin, and then held it against the younger’s neck near his pulse point to cool him down quicker.  
“My stomach hurts,” Taehyung croaked, nearly bringing himself to tears trying to hold in the pain.  
“Is it the pain, or nausea?” Jin asked.  
“It’s that stabbing pain. I feel like I can’t breathe,” Taehyung’s dark eyes looked scared as he spoke to his older brother.  
“Here,” Jin said grabbing onto Taehyung’s hand that was clinging onto the bowl, “squeeze my hand when the pain is too much.” Jin knew Taehyung had the strongest grip strength, but he was willing to sacrifice his comfort if it helped ease Taehyung’s suffering a bit. Perhaps having Taehyung focus on crushing his hand would help take his mind off from the excruciating pain in his gut, Jin hoped.  
Taehyung began squeezing tighter as he winced in agonizing pain.  
“It’s okay, Taehyungie. Just focus on me, okay?”  
Jin’s mind raced frantically with worry. 

_‘I can’t do this!’_

_‘I’m so scared!’_

_‘What do I do?’_

_‘I don’t know what to do!’_

“Are you doing okay? Do you feel like you’re going to pass out or anything?” Jin asked, fearful that Taehyung would soon slip into unconsciousness like months before.  
“I can’t breathe,” Taehyung gasped.  
“Okay. Do you want me to reposition you? What do you need, Taehyung?” Jin was beginning to panic more.  
He didn’t want Taehyung to faint and leave him alone without help.  
At least if he was awake, he could calm his nerves that Taehyung wasn’t as bad as before.  
He just needed him to be awake.

_‘Please, just stay awake, for me?!’_

While Taehyung continued to wheeze roughly, Jin felt his grip loosen in his palm all at once.  
“Taehyung?! Please don’t faint! I need you awake with me!” Jin pulled Taehyung to his chest and lifted the boy’s chin to elongate his neck and open his airway.  
“Breathe in, Taehyung,” he shifted Taehyung’s body so his torso wasn’t being compressed like it had been when he was hunched over the toilet.

_This was just like last time._

_They were in this very position._

_It was happening again!_

“Are you still with me, Taehyung?” Jin called feeling the panic overwhelming him.  
Taehyung gripped onto Jin’s pantleg and pulled at the fabric in a balled fist to fight the pain he was enduring. He wriggled and kicked his feet in agony, but nothing made the pain subside.  
“It hurts so bad, Hyung!” Taehyung tearfully cried as his mouth altered to a squareful wince as he grinned and bore the excruciating pain.  
“I know! I know! I’m sorry, Taehyung! Here,” Jin reached for Taehyung’s fist that was pinching the fabric of his pantleg, “I’m right here. Just hold my hand, okay? I got you. Okay?! Your hyung is here for you!”  
Taehyung writhed against Jin’s broad chest as the pain became unbearable. His feet scraped the floor as he kicked, trying to control the tension his entire body was now suffering.  
“I can’t take it! Hyung, it hurts so bad!” Taehyung practically screamed the words between gasps and labored breaths, unable to tolerate what was happening.  
“I don’t know what to do!” Jin began to cry in self defeat. There was nothing further he could do to help the sick boy.  
“I’m so sorry, Taehyungie! I’m sorry! I can’t do anymore! I’m sorry!” Jin just kept repeating his sorrow aloud without a second thought.  
He wanted to help, but the fact of the matter was Taehyung was on his own at this point. Nobody could help take away his pain for him until the paramedics arrived.

Jin quickly pulled out his cellphone and dialed the manager’s number.  
“Jin-ssi?” Manager Sejin responded after accepting the call.  
“Please get here quick! Taehyung isn’t doing well!”  
The manager could hear the urgency in Jin’s quaking voice as the underlying tears came out in the desperate tone.  
“I’m almost there. Just remain calm and tell me what’s happening,” The manager tried not to sound alarmingly worried over the phone to keep from frightening Jin even more. However, he was fearful of Taehyung’s condition with the sounds of the oldest member’s voice straining to evoke his worries.  
“I woke up Taehyungie and he felt very warm. He said he felt sick and ended up throwing up dark liquid that looked like coffee grounds. Now he’s having trouble breathing. His lips are blue.”  
“Okay, ill go ahead and call for an ambulance. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”  
“He’s in so much pain, Hyung!” Jin hollered with his ever growing pleas.  
“I’m coming! I’ll be right there shortly.”  
“Okay, thank you,” Jin barely got the ‘thank you’ out before hearing the call drop from the manager.

“How are you doing, Taehyungie?” Jin asked, making sure Taehyung was still conscious. The stress made his fingers shake as he glided a hand through Taehyung’s hair.  
“Is a manager coming?” Taehyung gasped with his labored breaths.  
“Yeah, Sejin-Hyung is coming; he’s almost here. He’s calling an ambulance for you.”  
“My stomach hurts,” Taehyung said as he mindlessly lifted his shirt to show the invisible pain hidden beneath his tan skin.  
Taehyung was past the point of exhaustion, nearly ready to slip into an unconscious state from the amount of insufferable pain he was failing to endure. His body was shutting down and his mind wanted a break from the grueling misery the world had handed him.  
“I know- I know,” Jin pulled the hem of Taehyung’s shirt back down to cover his abdomen once again. He placed his hand against the puffy, inflamed flesh protruding up from Taehyung’s sunken stomach.  
“Does this feel better?” Jin remembered Taehyung mentioning the pain lessening when he pressed intently on the cantankerous spot in question.  
Even though Taehyung was in dire need of pain management, he nodded slowly so Jin would feel at ease, despite not feeling a lick of difference with the minute pressure being applied. He felt too much torture and his body and mind couldn’t withstand an ounce more.

“Where’s Jiminie?” Taehyung asked once again, sounding sluggish through his rasping breathy words.  
“You asked earlier. He’s at the museum with Namjoon-ah. Don’t you remember?” Jin was worried Taehyung was lost in his delirium and was slipping out of consciousness. “Do you want me to call him so you can talk to him?” Jin thought if Taehyung was focusing on the conversation with his friend, he’d stay awake long enough until the ambulance, or Sejin arrived. Any form of distraction would have to be better than just enduring this torment.  
“Okay,” Taehyung gasped. His breathing was beginning to slow, but was now sounding congested, like he had a buildup of fluid in his airway.  
Jin picked up his phone again and dialed Jimin’s number.  
“Jimin-Ah,” Jin said into the phone after connecting before Jimin even made a sound.  
“Hyung? What’s wrong?!” Jimin could hear the panicked tone emitting from the speaker.  
“Jimin-Ah, can you listen for a few minutes?”  
“What’s wrong?! Is everything okay?!” Jimin repeated.  
“Taehyungie is sick and Sejin-Hyung is on his way to take him to the hospital. He was asking for you, so can you please keep him talking until someone gets here?”  
“Taehyungie is sick?”  
“Yes, please talk to him so he stays awake. I can’t have him passing out on me. Please just keep him talking!”  
“Okay, Hyung.”  
“Here he is-“  
“.....”  
“.....”  
“Jiminie?”  
Jimin was taken aback by the sound of Taehyung’s deep voice coming through his phone.  
“Taehyung, you’re not feeling well?”  
“Are you at the art museum?”  
“Yeah, I came here with Namjoon-Hyung.”  
“Is it pretty?”  
“Yeah, Taehyungie. It’s beautiful.” Jimin strived hard to keep his voice leveled to prevent Taehyung from hearing his growing worry.  
“I wanted to see it.”  
“We can come back together, okay? You’ll love it here. I promise.”  
“Okay.”  
“How are you feeling? Jin-Hyung said you were sick.”  
“My stomach....”  
“Your stomach’s hurting?”  
“I threw up.”  
“Oh no, Taehyungie. Did you eat something?”  
“No.”  
“When did you start feeling sick?”  
“Not long ago.”  
“Does it feel like the time you went to the hospital?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Make sure you let Jin-Hyung know you’re there for him. He sounded worried,” Jimin joked, his only defense once a tough situation arose.  
“Okay.”  
“Is anybody else at the house?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“I’m gonna see you at the hospital, okay?”  
“Okay.”  
“Namjoon-Hyung and I are leaving the museum now.”  
“Did you see everything?”  
“Huh?”  
“Did you see all of the art?”  
“.....”  
“Yeah, Taehyungie. Every last one of them,” Jimin was lying, but he couldn’t tolerate having his friend selflessly tell him to stay while he was ill; especially after asking for him, specifically.  
“You’re not feeling tired or anything are you? Jin-Hyung is worried you’re going to fall asleep on him.”  
“I want to. It hurts so bad, I want to sleep until it stops.” Taehyung had reached the penultimate stage of pain he could tolerate before his mind fought to slip from reality.  
“I know, Taehyungie. But you have to stay awake for Jin-Hyung. He’s going to get really scared if you fall asleep. You just have to stay awake a little longer is all.”  
“I’m scared.”  
Those two words struck Jimin deep in the heart. “Me too, Taehyungie. I hope the doctors can figure out what’s wrong this time. I don’t want you to be sick anymore. It scares me knowing this could happen at any moment.”  
“It happens when I eat.”  
“I know. But I’m so happy you’ve been eating again. We’ll have to go back to the comic book cafe again so we can try more of the dishes they had on the menu. We can read a new series together. What do you say?”  
“......”  
“Taehyungie? Are you still there?”  
“......”  
“Taehyung?”  
“......”  
“Taehyung?! Please say something.”  
Jimin could almost make out Jin’s voice echoing through the phone line, but it was inaudible what the words were in the background.  
A rustle could be heard as the phone passed between hands and Jimin couldn’t make out anything beyond the electronic piece he held to his ear.  
Jin finally spoke on his end of the line, “Jimin-ah, Sejin-Hyung just got here, so I’m going to hang up. Thank you for speaking with Taehyungie while we waited.”  
“I’ll meet you at the hospital, Hyung.”  
“Okay. I have to go now.”  
“Hyung!” Jimin quickly shouted out.  
“Yeah?”  
“Please take care of Taehyung; he’s scared.”  
“I know, Jiminie; I am too.”  
And with that, both parties ended the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Friday will finally reveal what has been ailing dear Taehyung....


	24. Answer: Love Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Manager Sejin returned to the group with a glimpse of a relieved smile flashing across his face as he locked eyes with Jin. They had just spent the majority of the afternoon, and into the evening, with each other worrying desperately over the young kid secluded in the back.  
> “They finally found what’s been ailing Taehyung-ssi,” Sejin spoke with great reprieve.  
> All eyes widened in a whirlwind of elations and curiosity for the diagnosis.

Manager Sejin came running to the bathroom and spotted both boys on the floor; Taehyung laying in between Seokjin’s legs with his head on the elder’s thigh, breathing heavily while he weakly held onto the phone, and Jin careening over the young one, rubbing his shaking fingers through Taehyung’s long hair.  
Without saying a word, Manager Sejin hastily entered the room and knelt down beside Taehyung.  
“Taehyung? How are you feeling?” He spoke more fatherly with a level tone, than a business personality while communicating with the second youngest during this vexing moment.  
Taehyung opened his heavy, maroon lidded eyes to peer up at his manager. He was struggling for breath, and his chest ached with every raspy inhale and fluttering exhale. Beads of sweat dotted his skin and he was limp with exhaustion everywhere except his heaving chest.   
He laid the phone onto his abdomen, forgetting he was having a conversation with his friend.  
“Is it your stomach, or did you take something after I left?”  
Taehyung could no longer speak amidst his heavy inhales; instead, he lackadaisically shook his head, unable to voice his answer.  
“You didn’t take anything?” The manager confirmed the head shake as he felt Taehyung’s thin fingers wrap around his arm for solace and peace of mind.  
Taehyung made a slight nod in response as his mouth gaped open with his persistent panting breath.  
Seokjin lifted Taehyung forward with Sejin’s help so he could free his leg from under Taehyung’s weight and finish the phone conversation with Jimin while the manager helped the younger.

Sejin tilted Taehyung’s head back to open his airway better, but he still couldn’t breathe with the crushing weight he felt in his chest.  
“Is it your stomach?”  
Taehyung tapped his shaky fingers against Sejin’s arm like a version of Morse Code to tell him he was correct. He then moved to point to the left side of his abdomen, just below his ribs to locate the spot that was harming him.  
Manager Sejin lifted Taehyung’s shirt and noticed his abdomen ballooning out against the rest of his concave stomach.  
“This is where it’s hurting?” Sejin asked as he cautiously placed his hand flat against the distended skin.  
Taehyung nodded and placed his hand on top of his manager’s, pressing down weakly to feel the pressure.  
Jin hung up from the conversation with Jimin and spoke respectfully to the manager, “he says pressure makes it hurt less.”  
Sejin bowed an acknowledgement and then looked back at Taehyung. He placed his hand against the younger’s forehead, brushing his bangs back as he steadied his hand, but continued to rub the skin under his calloused thumb.  
“The ambulance is on it’s way to take you to the hospital. The paramedics will stop your pain soon enough.” Manager Sejin assumed they’d give Taehyung some sort of pain killer to alleviate the ache in his abdomen, similar to the events that occurred previously when he first became ill months ago.  
“Taehyung, You didn’t do anything after I left, did you? It’s alright if you did, but I need to know right now so I can tell the doctors when we get to the hospital.”  
“I didn’t...” Taehyung deeply exhaled.  
“Are you being honest right now?” Sejin asked, worried Taehyung may be lying due to past circumstances. But it was imperative to disclose any information to the hospital so he could get the adequate treatment he needed.  
“I promise.... I just.... went.... back .... to bed...”  
“Okay,” Sejin said as he rubbed Taehyung’s hair in a fatherly manner, “I believe you.”

The paramedics arrived and Sejin let them in to ascertain the situation upstairs. They immediately intubated Taehyung to help him breathe better. Sejin explained Taehyung’s recent medical history to better indicate what the paramedics were dealing with in regards to his current state of suffering.   
They prepped an IV and began a drip of morphine to alleviate the pain.  
They strapped him onto the gurney and wheeled him to the awaiting ambulance to take him to the hospital.  
Seokjin rode in the front seat of the ambulance while Sejin seated himself in the back next to the other paramedic, whom was busying himself with the ventilation bag to help Taehyung breathe with ease.

After arriving at the hospital, Taehyung was quickly taken back to the emergency room to see the doctors on call.  
They abruptly removed his clothing while getting the details from the paramedics. The emergency staff moved Taehyung to a bed to free up the gurney for the paramedics to take back with them.  
Seokjin and Manager Sejin were nstructed to stay in the waiting room if the doctors had more questions, and would receive the news of the diagnosis once discovered.

After several hours of hearing nothing from the residents working in the hospital, the waiting room was now full of familiar Korean faces sitting alongside Seokjin and Manager Sejin.  
Namjoon and Jimin were the first to arrive after receiving the phone call from Jin, followed by Hoseok and Jungkook from their luncheon, after swinging by the hotel to pick up Yoongi whom was working on his music with a staff member until receiving the call himself.  
With no word on Taehyung’s current condition, Sejin couldn’t inform the group how their band mate was fairing.

“Hi, are you with Mr. Kim?” A friendly doctor, named Dr. Mikhail, came out from the emergency room doors to the waiting room full of foreign faces staring back at him.  
Sejin stood up to greet the doctor and shook his hand.   
“Yes, I’m his manager,” Sejin said in fluent English.  
“He’s doing okay; he’s stable now. We had to operate to remove his gallbladder that was full of gallstones. One of the stones actually blocked the biliary duct and caused an acute pancreatitis attack, resulting in it becoming inflamed and swelling into his chest cavity, compressing his lungs to the point where he couldn’t receive enough oxygen.  
“He’s currently sedated for the pain, but you can go back to see him now. We’re going to periodically come in to check the condition, but with the inflammation, we’ll keep him under sedation for the pain.”  
“When will he recover?”  
“It’s hard to determine at this point in time. Some people recover on their own after a few hours, but due to the complications with the gallbladder, it could be longer. Right now it’s just touch and go.”  
“With his gallbladder removed, this won’t happen again, correct?” Sejin asked with hope embedded in his question.  
“You said he was hospitalized several months ago with similar symptoms, but those doctors didn’t diagnose pancreatitis?” Dr. Mikhail asked with inflection.  
“Yes, sir. We just found out he’s been getting sick off and on ever since, as well. Why wasn't this discovered when he had testing done?” Sejin asked in confusion.  
“There’s no true test that we can run to achieve a diagnosis for pancreatitis. We actually have to run other tests to rule out possibilities of other illnesses or diseases in order to arrive as the pancreas being the cause. So basically process of elimination.   
“I did receive transcripts from the labs he had done in Texas and New York and I can see on the imaging of his endoscopy that’s he had an indent in his stomach. I would fathom a guess that he was fairly sick when he had this procedure done and his pancreas had swollen to the point of pressing against his stomach.  
“With more than a few attacks, that could become chronic pancreatitis, meaning he’s going to live with this for the rest of his life. Dietary changes can help keep the chances of another attack from happening, but there’s always a chance he could become sick one day for no correlating reason.”  
“Why does this happen? What’s wrong with his pancreas?”  
“When a person eats, the pancreas releases enzymes to break down the food ingested. The enzymes activate after leaving the pancreas; but in Mr. Kim’s case, the enzymes activate while still inside the pancreas and breaks down the organ, which is irreparable. It’s quite painful according to other patients that have gone through similar experiences. His pancreas is basically being destroyed whenever this occurs, to put in layman terms.  
“Now, I can’t absolutely say whether or not the gallbladder was responsible for the pancreatitis in the first place, or if it was just a coincidence that both occurred simultaneously; I mean, he could have had a pancreatitis attack and a gallstone blockage without there being a link between the two. So like I said, we’ll just have to keep checking to see if removing the gallbladder also fixes the issue with his pancreas. Only time will tell as of present.”  
“I understand,” Sejin said while nodding in confirmation.  
“Just follow up with his physician to keep a constant eye on everything and he should be okay.”  
Sejin nodded again and then looked back at the crew he had standing behind him, eagerly waiting to hear news of their friend.  
“How many visitors can he have at a time?”  
“He’s actually setup in a bigger room, so I’d say you can all go back. But he’s most likely going to be asleep for awhile to come.”  
“Thank you, Sir,” Sejin said, “I’ll inform them of his status right away, and then we’ll be ready to go back.”  
“No rush; take as much time as you need. When you’re ready, just tell one of the nurses and they’ll direct you to his room.”  
The doctor held out his hand, and Sejin lightly shook it out of foreign respect.

Manager Sejin returned to the group with a glimpse of a relieved smile flashing across his face as he locked eyes with Jin. They had just spent the majority of the afternoon, and into the evening, with each other worrying desperately over the young kid secluded in the back.  
“They finally found what’s been ailing Taehyung-ssi,” Sejin spoke with great reprieve.  
All eyes widened in a whirlwind of elations and curiosity for the diagnosis.  
“He had emergency surgery to remove his gallbladder which was full of stones and caused a blockage. It then attacked his pancreas, which swelled against his lungs making him unable to breathe.”  
“Poor Taehyungie,” Jimin exclaimed, still upset that he wasn’t able to be with his friend after finding out he was asking for his presence while he was going through so much suffering.  
“He’s going to be okay, right?” Jungkook asked with worry lingering in his soft voice.  
“Can we see him?” Jimin abruptly blurted out.  
“Yes. He’s recovering now so they have him sedated. Apparently he’s in a lot of pain still, so they’re going to keep him asleep until his pancreas calms down.”  
“So he’ll be back to normal once his pancreas heals itself?” Seokjin asked, hoping for the best that Taehyung could get back to his life before all of this occurred.  
“The doctor said he is unsure if removing Taehyung-ssi’s gallbladder would help, or if it was a coincidence that both acted up at the same time. But we can only wait, and hope for the best for Taehyung-ssi’s health to improve.”  
“Can we all see him?” Hoseok asked with an unusually solemn tone, unbeknownst to the world where he regularly projected such an excitable personality.  
“I’d like to visit him alone, first. I know you’re all greatly worried for him, but I’d like a moment.”

The group didn’t object to the manager’s proposal. The members understood his intentions were well, and he only had Taehyung’s best interest at heart.


	25. Fly to my Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please hold him tight, Chris,” Dr. Mikhail instructed the nurse.  
> The male nurse circled around to force Taehyung into the steady fetal position so his spinal cord jutted out better.  
> “Ah!” Taehyung winced, becoming more aware of the motions dancing around him as he continued to battle the sleep away. Tears of pain seeped from his eyes as he sharply moaned aching sounds from his raw throat.

The somber manager followed the corridor towards Taehyung’s room. He creaked the door open and saw the young man asleep in the hospital bed.  
There was a tube under Taehyung’s nose providing fresh oxygen for his lungs while he slept with an IV drip steadily flowing into his vasodilated veins. The rhythmic beat of his heart rate sung softly through his monitor with wires dangling off the side of the bed adhering to his thin chest, and casually exposing his, unusually, pale skin to the atmosphere.  
Sejin slowly stepped forward until he reached the side of the bed. The dark circles under Taehyung’s lidded eyes caused him immense grief; the whole sight was too much to take in at the moment. 

Sejin lifted the warmed blanket and readjusted it to cover Taehyung’s chest from the chilly, air conditioned room.  
He pulled the awaiting chair next to the bed and seated himself catty corner to the sleeping boy. With trembling hands, he curled his fingers around Taehyung’s cold hand that was poking out from the blanket’s warmth.  
“I am sorry you had to go through this,” Sejin began to speak, holding his composure to prevent his voice from quaking. “The other members are very worried for your well being..... we all are, actually. They’re waiting to see you, but I wanted to say some things before they came back. Whether you can hear me or not, I believe these words will heal us both.  
“I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to the people in your life. As your manager, I have to take on a more professional role and I fail to show emotion during times when appropriate. But you brighten up my life when I am with you. Your childish nature allows me to briefly forget my professionalism and reminds me of the youthful needs to just be happy.....  
“I want you to be happy again, Taehyung. Your smile has disappeared. But I promise you, I will work tirelessly for it to return to your face. You have suffered in silence to allow the group to prosper, but while everyone was benefitting from the endless concerts, performances, and appearances, you were just trying to survive each day. With everyone that works so closely with you, someone should have stepped in sooner. I take the blame, as well. I saw your appearance change and didn’t say anything to you. I saw footage from the editors that they cut from film because of your gaunt appearance. The stylists mentioned taking in your costumes too often.  
“....and yet, I never came to you.”  
Sejin paused momentarily to wipe the moisture accumulating at his nose.  
“I’m deeply apologetic towards you, Taehyung. I was in denial that something was wrong. But, I will do better from now on, making your health, and the other members’ health, top priority. I won’t allow anything to be dismissed that my fellow staff mates bring to my attention.  
“Though I express that you can always come to me if you need something, I understand your drive to do your best for your fans. I feel the exhausting effects, as well, during our travels, so I understand how tiring it must be trying to find the energy to perform on top of that.  
“This time of rest for you and the other boys is necessary after having to endure so much this year. I really hope you do see this as beneficial and not as a punishment. You didn’t do anything wrong, so there was no need to reprimand you in anyway. I am very disappointed you sought out the use of illegal drugs, but under the circumstances for the desire to keep your energy up, I understand everything. Just please,” Sejin clasped Taehyung’s thin hand against his chest as he looked up to the heavens, “please don’t ever take those pills again. With your health so fragile and your body so frail, we are all so lucky you did not suffer a heart attack while performing.”  
Sejin placed his warm palm gently against the side of Taehyung’s face, softly rubbing his fingertips against his hairline as he gazed with a fatherly love at the sleeping boy.  
“It will be okay. I’ll help you every step of the way. Learn to lean on the strengths of the other members, and the staff, and you’ll get through this.”  
Sejin pulled Taehyung’s limp wrist to his lips and delivered a dry peck to his fingertips.  
“I love you, my boy,” he quietly whispered.

Sejin, in astounding disbelief, felt the long nimble fingers gently apply pressure against the skin of his hand.  
“Taehyung-ssi?!” Sejin exclaimed in a quiet tone. Was it reality he felt, or just his hope playing tricks within the labyrinth of his mind?  
“Taehyung-ssi?” Sejin said once more as he pressed his hand against the crown of Taehyung’s head.  
Sejin felt another squeeze from the fingers slowly curling around his own.  
“Taehyung? Can you hear me?” Sejin asked.  
He remembered the doctor saying Taehyung would be asleep for several hours as a result of the anesthesia still waning, and the pain killer administered earlier.  
Sejin watched as Taehyung’s eyelashes flitted hazily on, still, heavily lidded eyes, and the beat of the monitor hastened as the pulse slowly increased in a creeping manner.  
“Taehyung, if you can hear what I’m saying, go ahead and squeeze with your hand.”  
Sejin tenderly constricted his palm to let the sleeping boy understand which hand to use.  
He felt the response of pressure gingerly being amassed against his skin as he smiled with tears breaking free.

Sejin had been so worried seeing the state Taehyung was in when he arrived at the accommodations, barely retaining consciousness while being cradled in Seokjin’s arms, that he felt an overwhelming amount of emotions flood his mind like a tsunami wave. He choked on a sob he attempted to suppress, still remaining quiet in the darkened hospital room.  
“Taehyung?”  
Taehyung’s facial muscles began to show movement as the blood prickled through his sleeping body. Sejin watched a rippling wave run across the thin skin of Taehyung’s maroon colored eyelids as the orbs rotated underneath.  
“Hm!”  
A quick sound emanated from Taehyung’s dried, chapped lips, and Sejin felt the pressure increasing as the thin fingers curled tighter. He watched Taehyung’s crow’s feet scatter near his eyes with a pained expression as the muscles in his cheeks raised and tightened.  
“Taehyung?” Sejin’s tone altered from elated happiness and relief to one of mixed worry and postulating queries.  
“Huh!”  
Taehyung exhaled a pained note as the muscles in his neck began to awaken and stir. He methodically pressed his crown against the pillow, increasing the anguished wince in his contorted facial appearance.  
“Taehyung, are you okay?” Sejin drastically increased his worry watching Taehyung stirring in his awakening haze.  
He quickly reached out and pressed the ‘Call’ button on the handheld remote to get a nurse for help.  
“Mm!”  
The pitch in Taehyung’s painful moans accompanied the quickening pace of the rise and fall in his chest. His breathing reached a rapid hyperventilation, and a tear escaped from his tightly clenched eyes, running down his dry cheek, until taking up a final resting place in the canal of his ear.  
“Shh-sh-shh,” Sejin hushed, brushing his warm hand against Taehyung’s chest, trying to cease the panic the boy was processing.  
“Taehyung! Squeeze my hand again if you can hear my voice.”  
Sejin didn’t feel a difference in the amount of pressure Taehyung was already forcing against his thick skin.  
“Ah!” Taehyung croaked in a higher decibel. His square mouth appeared to make an attempt to vocalize words, but as his tongue flicked against his teeth, no words could be formed with the burning dryness in his throat.

A male nurse opened the door to Taehyung’s private room and proceeded to step in.  
“He’s waking up?” The nurse asked, noticing Taehyung’s tense posture and heavy breathing.  
“He began moving only a few moments ago, but he seems to be in pain,” Sejin responded.  
“He probably needs more pain management,” the nurse said, taking a moment to listen to Taehyung’s chest with his stethoscope. “I’m going to call the doctor and see if he wants to do an epidural analgesia.” The nurse wrapped his stethoscope back around his neck and walked hastily towards the exit. “I’ll be right back with the doctor.”

Sejin watched Taehyung continue to brace his body tensely for the throbbing pain he was feeling. Sejin felt helpless as he could only wait, callously rubbing the soft skin on Taehyung’s hand as it gripped tighter now.

The doctor entered the room and immediately went to Taehyung’s bedside to listen to his chest. Sejin noticed it was Dr. Mikhail, whom had delivered the news of Taehyung’s surgery.  
“He’s waking up sooner than expected, so he’s starting to feel the pain. Was he on any medications before this?” Dr. Mikhail asked aloud as he flipped through the open chart to check over his notes from earlier.  
“He had been taking Amphetamines for several weeks, before I found out. But I don’t believe he’s taken them in the last day or so.”  
“It might be lessening the effects of the anesthesia, and causing his pain to be received more than usual. I’m going to administer an epidural catheter so we can manage his pain over the next few days.”  
The male nurse was bringing the tools needed for the doctor to use for the procedure.  
“Will you help me rotate him,” Dr. Mikhail commanded the nurse.  
The two medical workers proceeded to roll Taehyung onto his side gently, while Sejin stood at the bedside ready to help in any way he could.  
Taehyung’s hand flopped onto the bed with the rotation and he subconsciously balled his fist from the surmounting pain, encapsulating the blanket in his grip to bear the brunt of the hurt.  
“Huh!” Taehyung yelped with a sharp gasp resonating from his dry lips. Tears moistened his long eyelashes as he clenched tightly.  
Sejin placed his hand on top of Taehyung’s balling fist to let him know he was not alone in this endeavor.  
“Please hold him tight, Chris,” Dr. Mikhail instructed the nurse.  
The male nurse circled around to force Taehyung into the steady fetal position so his spinal cord jutted out better.  
“Ah!” Taehyung winced, becoming more aware of the motions dancing around him as he continued to battle the sleep away. Tears of pain seeped from his eyes as he sharply moaned aching sounds from his raw throat.  
He pressed his free hand against the orderly’s stomach in hopes the man would step away and stop hurting him. In his sleepy delusion, Taehyung was not understanding that these two men were making attempts to remove the pain he was grossly enduring.  
“It’s okay, my boy. They’re going to help you,” Sejin spoke quietly to Taehyung as he bent low, almost as if he was delivering a secret no one else was meant to hear.  
“He may go back to sleep once the medicine gets into his system. He could just be waking up due to the pain from the procedure, but the anesthesia could also be wearing off sooner than expected from interference with the drugs still in his system.”  
Dr. Mikhail finished placing the catheter and administering the epidural analgesic with the epidural pump, which was going to continue relief for Taehyung while the pain persisted.  
Nurse Chris released Taehyung from his hold and replaced the blanket over his thin body after Dr. Mikhail finished taping the catheter in place.  
“The epidural should take effect fully within a half hour, but other than that, his vitals sound good. I’ll have Chris give him a dose of Ativan to ease the hyperventilation for now and in case he does wake up fully.” Dr. Mikhail moved the tubing connecting the catheter of the epidural pump so it didn’t get snagged by a nurse within the next few hours while it continuously delivered a dose of pain relievers.  
Sejin nodded and replaced his seat back at Taehyung’s bedside.  
Nurse Chris inserted a needle into the IV port in Taehyung’s arm and administered the dose of anxiety medication.  
“Alright,” Nurse Chris began as he capped the dirty needle and tossed it in the biohazard waste bin, dropping his rubber gloves into the waste basket, “did you need anything else for now?”  
Sejin shook his head at the nurse’s kind bedside manner. “No, thank you.”  
“Okay then. Someone will be in later to check his vitals and change his IV.”  
Chris was near the door when he momentarily turned back, “were you ready to have the other family members come back?”  
Dr. Mikhail had informed the nurse Sejin was going to be visiting the patient, and to stay aware that the rest of the group would need to be told where to go when the manager was ready to have them back.  
“Yes, thank you.” Sejin didn’t look back at the nurse. He was watching Taehyung’s breathing begin to slow down from it’s rapid pace as the drugs started to take effect. He brushed his hand across the boy’s cheek to wipe the drying tears from his skin. Though the other members knew the dire situation, he didn’t want them to know the pain Taehyung was going through for some reason.


	26. Fake Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung burrowed deeper into the bed to escape the chill in the room and cautiously crept his cold fingers near Jimin. He wrapped his hand over Jimin’s arm for comfort, but soon watched as Jimin stirred awake with a blissful stretch.  
> “You’re awake, Taehyungie?” Jimin said after rubbing the sleep from his eyes and automatically grabbing Taehyung’s outstretched hand.

It had been three days since Taehyung was brought to the hospital for the removal of his diseased gallbladder. He no longer slept around the clock, but instead, spent the time reassuring his visitors that he was doing well and not to worry.  
Between managers, members, and staff, Taehyung was never alone; especially with the constant companionship Jimin showered him with by staying next to his bedside nearly every waking moment.

Taehyung rolled onto his side in the early morning hours and felt a slight nudge against his skin as he pressed his weight upon a heavy object. He opened his tired eyes and saw Jimin sleeping peacefully on tightly folded arms. His friend pursed his puffy lips as he dreamt, leaving Taehyung to wonder what he was experiencing; whether it was a dream or a nightmare.

Taehyung burrowed deeper into the bed to escape the chill in the room and cautiously crept his cold fingers near Jimin. He wrapped his hand over Jimin’s arm for comfort, but soon watched as Jimin stirred awake with a blissful stretch.  
“You’re awake, Taehyungie?” Jimin said after rubbing the sleep from his eyes and automatically grabbing Taehyung’s outstretched hand.  
“The doctors came in last night to remove the thing in your back,” Jimin explained, not remembering what Sejin told him it was called.  
“I remember them coming in, but I was exhausted and couldn’t speak for some reason,” Taehyung responded with a deep croak to his vocal notes.  
“I think it was still dosing medicine, making you sleepy,” Jimin soothingly replied. “How are you feeling? Does your stomach hurt at all?”  
Taehyung had to take a moment to ponder the aches throughout his body. He didn’t feel sickeningly painful, but the dull ache was a nuisance for the time being.  
“It’s not too bad, but I don’t know if the medicine is masking any pain for now.” Taehyung pressed his hand against his abdomen, but quickly retracted when he fingered the puffy skin surrounding the sutures. He momentarily forgot about the removal of his organ, but suddenly moved his mind to the vain notion of developing a potential scar upon his body. He had to be careful when dressing, to avoid flowing shirts that could expose his torso to fans during concerts and live performances.   
This event had been kept under wraps so fans didn’t have to worry about the second youngest member. Left in the dark, ARMY was simply waiting patiently for the next upload from one of the members; whether a VLive stream, or the next episode of Run BTS.   
The fans were all Taehyung cared about in that moment.

“Sejin-hyung said we’re leaving for South Korea once you’re discharged from the hospital. He said we can still have our break so you can work on getting better without the stress of work getting in the way,” Jimin explained to his quiet friend. “I thought that was kind of nice for him to take your health into consideration most... he means well,” Jimin trailed off.

Taehyung vaguely remembered hearing Sejin-hyung’s voice when he was first admitted to the hospital several days ago. Though he couldn’t open his eyes from the surge of morphine flowing through his veins, he could understand the words the manager spoke so passionately.  
“He is a good Hyung,” Taehyung admitted.

No further words were exchanged while the two boys watched an animated television program on the screen plastered to the wall of Taehyung’s hospital room. Though they were not fluent in the English language like Namjoon, they were able to understand most of the plot based on visual context. They really just wanted the sound flowing through the air to break the silence of their racing thoughts; Jimin with worry over his friend, and Taehyung fighting the cravings amidst the drug withdrawals from the amphetamine usage.

Dr. Mikhail knocked gently, but audibly loud enough, against the doorframe of Taehyung’s room. Jimin naturally arose from his seated position next to Taehyung’s bedside, but the door slowly crept open before he could take a step to answer.  
“It’s good to see you’re awake,” Dr. Mikhail mentioned as a second white-coated person entered the room behind him. “This is Dr. Hyeon-u; he’ll be our interpreter. Is it alright if he’s here for the assessment?” Dr. Mikhail didn’t actually have to ask for their permission, but he felt it was polite to consider their emotions as young men in a completely foreign country.  
Dr. Hyeon-u interpreted the request, and received a nod from both men.  
“How are you feeling today,” Dr. Mikhail asked as he hovered over Taehyung and listened to his patient’s heart rhythm through the cold stethoscope.  
Taehyung spoke in short replies to the interpreter, feeling it was impolite to face away from the person conducting the interview.  
“Your heart sounds strong, your lungs sound clear and it seems you’re recovering well with the antibiotics.” Dr. Mikhail acknowledged as he administered the final dose of IV antibiotics himself, rather than ordering the nurse to do so as a common hospital protocol.   
Taehyung would move on to oral antibiotics to keep any bacteria from causing future infections in the fresh sutures covering his broken skin, and no longer needed the IV antibiotics since he was able to stay awake more regularly.  
“You’ll be able to be discharged tomorrow if we don’t see any complications regarding your pain management with the cholecystectomy,” Dr. Mikhail delivered the favorable news. “I’ll have the nurse come in to untangle you from some of these machines and bring you breakfast, alright,” Dr. Mikhail joked to Taehyung’s foreign ears.  
Jimin smirked generously after the interpreter repeated what the doctor had said, but Taehyung just gave a nod of acceptance with the situation, failing to make light of the joking manner.  
“Your pancreas doesn’t seem to be as inflamed so we’ll try some solid food while you’re still in the hospital to make sure you don’t still need intravenous nutrition. But if you don’t have any questions, comments, or concerns, I’ll let you get back to your cartoons,” Dr. Mikhail said with a sly wink and smirk, still making attempts to get Taehyung to smile.  
Jimin quickly interjected, “is there anything he can have for nausea? He won’t eat since it makes him sick.”  
Taehyung flicked his eyes over to his friend, feeling embarrassed that Jimin openly admitted that he was choosing to starve himself.  
“Are you feeling nauseous?” Dr. Mikhail asked as he scribbled a note in Taehyung’s chart.  
Taehyung shook his head even though the mere idea of eating again made his stomach begin to churn.  
“Some people can develop postoperative nausea from the anesthesia, so we’ll see how the food goes and if you begin to feel like you’re going to vomit, I can give you some Zofran for it. Okay?”  
Taehyung nodded his head in confirmation.

Dr. Mikhail and Dr. Hyeon-u left Taehyung’s room after asking if either male needed anything more, in which they received dual shakes as quiet responses.

Jimin waited for the door to close before he turned off the silenced television.  
“What are you going to do when we get back to Korea?” Jimin asked with ever growing curiosity.  
“Sejin-hyung says he’ll find a private practice therapist so there’s not a possibility of being photographed entering a rehabilitation program,” Taehyung spoke through dry, chapped lips.  
“Do you think that’s enough to get better?” Jimin asked while expressing concern through the lilt in his voice.  
Taehyung looked at his friend by his bedside wanting to reassure him, but unable to predict his future actions was what kept him from speaking as it felt like a possible lie.  
Jimin curled his warm fingers around the lengthy hand of his friend and gripped it similar to a meaningful hug. “You don’t have to feel like you’re recovering on your own, Taehyungie.” Jimin looked sincerely at Taehyung’s dark rimmed eyes. “I’ll stay with you the whole time and we can work through everything together; we’re a team and nothing less.” Jimin paused to fight back the sudden tears prickling his senses, but continued speaking after a brief sniff. “You’re my best friend, Taehyungie, and anything you’re struggling with, I promise I will be there to share the burden and help ease your suffering.”

Taehyung felt the pierce of honesty strike him low and hard deep within his chest. While he whole heartedly appreciated Jimin’s compassion and empathy, he was apathetic for the help being offered. He was fearful of becoming sick again since the doctors couldn’t fully diagnose him as healthy, despite the removal of his organ. He wanted to continue the self-taught techniques of starvation to cope with the uncertainties of future possibilities of the recurring illness.

Taehyung looked at his friend and flicked a crooked, forced smile in hopes Jimin wouldn’t feel disheartened at the imposter sitting before him with the toxic thoughts dancing throughout his mind.  
Does saying one thing to ease another’s worry, while commiserating secretly of doing the opposite, make someone a phony?  
Taehyung felt like it did, and he felt fake for the ambivalent indecisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing in future chapters may start to feel different since something came up yesterday.  
> My dad has tested positive for covid and he was taken to the hospital last night. (I don’t live at home anymore, but my mom, sister, niece and nephew are also infected.)  
> I planned to escape into my writing in order to cope, but the words just weren’t flowing correctly.   
> So just a heads up as we’re approaching the new chapters that go into the second half of the story.  
> I find writing to be very therapeutic, but some things may not make sense in my writing when my mind is being pulled away in multiple directions.
> 
> Stay safe, and well.  
> 💜💚


	27. 00:00 (Zero O'Clock)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate this feeling! I want someone! I don’t want to be alone in my head anymore! Why can’t I just ask for somebody to sit with me?! Please?! Just someone be with me! I will listen to anything anyone has to say to me, just, please, say something to disrupt these thoughts! I can’t take listening to them anymore!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written from Taehyung’s point of view.

_My mind is a mess. My thoughts make no sense to me anymore. I try to do what is asked of me, but there’s something controlling my actions and I feel helpless trying to fight back; like I’m a marionette at the mercy of a ruthless puppet master tugging at my withered strings._

_I thought I loved the members unconditionally. I’ve seen them cry for me. Yet, I don’t feel I’m trying hard enough to meet their expectations of me. I’m exhausted just waking up each new day that is presented._

_I miss seeing Jimin’s smiling face. I miss hearing Jungkook’s laugh. I miss playing games with the members, and having meals with them. No one is the same and it’s all because of me. I’ve become such a toxic person and the negativity is seeping into their happy lives.  
I’ve ruined what everyone worked so hard to build. I rode on their coattails, acting childish and immature after we debuted. I still never thought we’d get this big. I didn’t do anything to support this group. No wonder it took so long for Bang PD-nim to finally remember my name; I’m easily forgotten._

_I didn’t feel this way when I was taking the drugs. I miss that numbness. I hate feeling everything again. All I experience is endless pain and suffering and I don’t know what to do to make it stop; it just keeps getting worse everyday that I continue to live.  
Why did they forbid me to take them? How are those pills any different than, say, an antidepressant? Both take away the emotional burden of just being in an intolerable state of mind.   
I just have to wait long enough until I’m home. I’ll feel better once I can have a pill in my system; I know I will!_

_But....is that selfish of me?_

_Everyone told me not to take anymore. If I disobey them just for my own benefit, what does that say about me as a person? About my character?_

_I am absolutely pathetic.  
I have nothing left inside of me.  
I am just a vagrant shell of a human being; a beggar seeking the approval of others, meanwhile, never actually fulfilling my own sense of self._

_I hate this feeling! I want someone! I don’t want to be alone in my head anymore! Why can’t I just ask for somebody to sit with me?! Please?! Just someone be with me! I will listen to anything anyone has to say to me, just, please, say something to disrupt these thoughts! I can’t take listening to them anymore!_

_I’m so tired, but my brain will not let me rest. It’s mad at me. I know it wants the drugs. I can hear it screaming at me throughout the night. I can’t handle what it says to me anymore. It’s even trying to scare me. I have terrible nightmares while I’m awake, causing me to fear what will vividly be imagined if I dare fall asleep. Is this from the drugs? Will this stop once I take some more?_

_I’ll be home soon.  
I have the blister packets waiting for me there.  
I can see the magical candied beans so well when I close my eyes.  
They’re like a dream come true to my living nightmare.  
Just a little longer and I’ll be home.  
I just have to hold on one more day.  
Just hold on._

_Why can’t I just open my mouth and say something?! Why can’t I tell others I’m not okay?! I don’t feel good! I don’t feel like myself anymore! I’m afraid of what the puppet master will make me do next! I’m spiraling out of control and I’m scared terribly! I just want somebody to sit with me right now! Somebody tell me everything will be okay! I can’t fight these cravings anymore! I need the drugs desperately! I’m nothing without them! I can’t function normally without them flowing through my veins! I’m in pain! I don’t know who I am and it hurts to continue living this way! Please?!_

_.....won’t somebody save me?  
.....save me from myself?  
.....I’m afraid of what I’ll do...._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Below is the English translation for the song **00:00 (Zero O'Clock)**
> 
> **Verse 1**
> 
> _You know those days  
>  Those days where you're sad for no reason  
> Those days where your body is heavy  
> And it looks like everyone else except you is busy and fierce  
> My feet won't set off, though it seems like I'm already too late  
> I'm hateful of the whole world_
> 
> **Verse 2**
> 
> _Yeah, here and there are click-clacking speed bumps  
>  My heart grows crumpled and my words lessen  
> Why the hell? I ran so hard  
> Oh why to me_
> 
> **Pre-Chorus**
> 
> _Come home and lie in bed  
>  Thinking if it was my fault?  
> Dizzy night, looking at the clock  
> Soon it will be midnight  
> Will something be different?  
> It won't be something like that  
> But this day will be over  
> When the minute and second hands overlap  
> The world holds its breath for a little while  
> Zero o’clock_
> 
> **Chorus**
> 
> _(Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
>  (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> Like that snow that just settled down  
> Let's breathe, like the first time  
> (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> Turn this all around  
> When everything is new, zero o' clock_
> 
> **Verse 4**
> 
> _The beat slips away little by little  
>  I can't put on an easy face  
> I keep forgetting familiar lyrics  
> There's nothing going my way  
> Yes, it's all in the past  
> Even talking to myself, it's not easy  
> Is it my fault? Is it my wrong?  
> Only my echo comes back with no answer_
> 
> **Pre-Chorus**
> 
> _Come home and lie in bed  
>  Thinking if it was my fault?  
> Dizzy night, looking at the clock  
> Soon it will be midnight  
> Will something be different?  
> It won't be something like that  
> But this day will be over  
> When the minute and second hands overlap  
> The world holds its breath for a little while  
> Zero o’clock_
> 
> **Chorus**
> 
> _(Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
>  (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> Like that snow that just settled down  
> Let's breathe, like the first time  
> (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> Turn this all around  
> When everything is new, zero o' clock_
> 
> **Bridge**
> 
> _Put my hands together to pray  
>  Hoping that tomorrow I'll laugh more, for me  
> It'll be better, for me  
> When this song ends  
> May a new song begin  
> Hoping that I'll be a little happier, yeah_
> 
> **Chorus**
> 
> _(Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
>  (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> Like that snow that just settled down  
> Let's breathe, like the first time  
> (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> (Ooh-ooh) And you gonna be happy  
> Turn this all around  
> When everything is new, zero o' clock_


	28. Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I will have no choice but to terminate your contract with the agency.”   
> Sejin stared deeply into Taehyung’s dark eyes as he spoke his condemning words and noticed the corners droop worriedly across the boy’s pale face.

_Please don’t do this to me.  
I don’t want to do this again.   
I’m not having fun anymore.   
I don’t know how to make this pain stop.   
Just, please, stop.  
I'm so desperate I’ll do anything......  
Anything........_

—————————————-

The familiar Korean roadways brought comfort to the native born members as the black SUVs sailed perilously toward the unoccupied dorm everyone missed while working in the states.

Sejin had spoke with Taehyung when the members were exiting the airport, and instructed he would be contacting a mental health professional to begin regular visits at the dorm upon return.  
While opening up about unfavorable circumstances caused Taehyung’s immediate distaste for such help, he accepted the decision his manager had already made in advance.

“How long do you have to see him?” Seokjin asked Taehyung in the crowded van, voice audible enough for the other five members to hear.  
Everyone’s attention turned to Taehyung, awaiting his reply.  
“I guess, until I get better,” Taehyung shrugged, trailing off with uncertainty lingering in his deep voice.

Truth was, he wasn’t sure what ‘better’ meant anymore. He thought discontinuing the amphetamine abuse would have been enough to mark the idea of being ‘better’, but Sejin gave him a warning that the road to recovery was going to be difficult and take proper amounts of time to wane. This challenged Taehyung to prove his capability of persevering and overcoming others’ doubts, but hidden in the confusing haze was what defined him as ‘recovered’.

“When do you have to meet with him?” Yoongi spoke in his natural throaty, monotoned pattern.  
“Manager-nim said he’d get in touch with the guy once we landed in Korea,” Taehyung responded politely.  
Yoongi nodded his head and eased back into his deepening thoughts. He had dealt with depressed episodes in his life and wanted Taehyung to understand receiving professional help would be the best option at this point in time. He’d always felt therapeutic measures were essential for anybody dealing with hardships they couldn’t figure out on their own, and Taehyung’s situation definitely warranted the time to be set aside and focus on his mental health. The unfortunate aspect was a falter with the therapeutic relationship if Taehyung became too focused on giving back to the fans and felt forced to sacrifice grasping the magnitude of the situation and forgoing putting in the effort to properly heal the trauma set in his mind.

The SUV pulled into the empty parking deck to unload it’s precious cargo. The members filed out, one by one, and moved to retrieve their luggage from the several different vans in tow.  
Sejin exited the passenger side of the SUV that had led the convoy and walked back towards the second youngest member that was impatiently teetering on his heels awaiting his turn to grab his suitcases.

“Taehyung-ssi,” Sejin called out just as Taehyung pivoted his footing and stepped up to the open door of the van.  
“My apologies for short notice, but the therapist had time open in his schedule to meet with you this afternoon for a consultation. You’ll have around six hours to get settled in and wash up before he gets here, but don’t leave the dorm for anything before then, alright?”  
Sejin wasn’t asking if Taehyung understood his request, simply because it was a command more than anything. His instructions were meant to keep him on lockdown, for the moment, to be sure Taehyung didn’t have the chance to receive any illegal substances while in Korea. He wanted to believe Taehyung was honest about his decisions to quit abusing prescription pills, but with the long effects of withdrawal from the drugs, he worried Taehyung may decide to seek out more medication to decrease any cravings that could arise in due time.

Taehyung didn’t argue and just accepted the manager’s demand. He was too exhausted from the previous events in the United States, and also felt the weakness perpetuating the pain in his entire body that his substance use had been helping to mask.  
Taehyung nodded and returned his attention to his luggage.  
Sejin reached his hand out and firmly grasped Taehyung’s outstretched arm, just below his crooked elbow.  
“Everyone’s schedule is on pause just for you, Taehyung-ssi. Don’t take this moment lightly, and focus your attention on what your therapist says to you.”

_Your therapist._

Taehyung felt a twinge of disheartening upset with the idea of failing to stay well enough for the sake of the entire group, including the staff, that meant he needed a professional to fix the damage he had caused. Not only to those involved professionally around him, but he was also a major disappointment to ARMY, as well. His feelings of being considered an idol waned warily deep within his conscience.  
“If I see your condition worsening, or find out you’re faking progress for others, I will have no choice but to terminate your contract with the agency.”   
Sejin stared deeply into Taehyung’s dark eyes as he spoke his condemning words and noticed the corners droop worriedly across the boy’s pale face upon hearing the ultimatum.  
Though it sounded harsh to threaten ending the career of one of the world’s most beloved artists, especially during a time to be considered his prime, Sejin’s only intentions were towards Taehyung’s health and cooperation to, ultimately, save his life in the long term.   
Whether Taehyung’s future would continue as an idol, or he’d be released from the agency, Sejin planned to focus on helping Taehyung during his recovery for as long as it took; because he saw him as a genuine friend.

The agency had never encountered a situation with a trainee, or idol, developing a drug dependency that required intervention. In most scenarios, the person in question would be released from the company immediately without question. But Sejin had grown protective of the seven member group and developed compassion and empathy in understanding the rigors and stressful day to day, fast paced lives the group was enduring, and persistently running on empty, despite the cherished smiles they painted on their weary faces.   
Truth be known, Sejin knew Taehyung was a good kid and deserved the benefit of the doubt. However, the seriousness, and possible lethality of the circumstances, became too much to tolerate with ease.

Sejin watched Taehyung’s adam’s apple bob in his throat as he took a dry swallow. He watched the chapped lips part slightly and listened to a heavy exhale blow out of the younger’s mouth.  
Taehyung regained his composure and nodded slowly, focusing his gaze downward after being hit with the life altering ultimatum if he chose not to take things seriously and adhere to the manager’s demands. The added stress, now, to recover even quicker and please the company for the sake of continuing to live his passion as an idol, weighed heavily on Taehyung’s mind and began hindering his ability to comprehend what his main goal was during this time, and soon, within therapy.

Sejin released Taehyung’s thin arm and gave a fatherly pat against the kid’s rounded back. He fathomed a guess that his words seemed harsh, but it was mainly due to his unwavering love for the entire group, and only wanting to see them succeed in every aspect of their life.  
“It’ll be okay, Taehyung-ssi.”  
Taehyung listened to the heavy echo of footsteps filling the parking deck as his manager walked matter-of-factly away from him. His ruminating mind was hungry for some guidance on what he should do that would get the best results in the shortest amount of time.

———————————————

_You can’t do this on your own.  
You need me to give you guidance and courage.   
Where would you be right now if I didn’t hint at the ways to make you stronger?   
Laying in a pathetic heap clutching your stomach like the worthless puke stain you really are?   
Stop pitying yourself and get your shit together.   
There’s an audience waiting and you’re wasting everyone’s time.  
You’re nothing when you don’t listen to me.  
Now, are you ready to obey everything I tell you, Taehyung?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am hoping to get a never-before-seen chapter out by Friday which marks the beginning of the second half of the story.
> 
> I say ‘hope’ only because I forgot to check how many chapters of the old version still have to go up.
> 
> If memory serves, there might be four left as this one was Chapter 25 previously.
> 
> I can’t wait. It features Hobi a lot since it was his birthday days ago when I wrote it.


	29. Don’t Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Any suicidal thoughts in your lifetime?”  
> Taehyung hesitated, causing Matt to look up from his computer screen. He didn’t say anything to encourage Taehyung to speak up, but the mixed emotions of caring and concern read clearly on his face.  
> “Not that I’d ever act on them,” Taehyung blurted out. He didn’t want the therapist to misunderstand or draw any sort of conclusions where they weren’t meant to end up.  
> “It’s okay,” Matt replied. “Thank you for your honesty, Taehyung.”
> 
> _‘Taehyung’._
> 
> Again, his heart jumped when hearing his name fall from the therapist’s lips. He bowed his head to allow his long bangs to cascade over his eyes, masking his bashful hue of rosy cheeks that he worried were decorating his pale face.

_He doesn’t actually care about you, Taehyung._   
_Only I know what will make you feel better._   
_You’re wasting everyone’s time with these childish antics._   
_Now hurry up and get this over with so we can get back to work like we’re expected._

Taehyung slowly opened the heavy, soundproof door to the room where a gentle looking man had patiently been waiting.  
The man gingerly rose to his feet and reached outward to shake Taehyung’s hand with the brightest of smiles. Taehyung, not accustomed to the westernized handshake, and felt more comfortable to offer a bow instead, resisted any postural tilt and flicked open his hand to receive the gesture.  
“Hello, Taehyung. My name is Matthew. How are you today?” The therapist asked as he grabbed tenderly at Taehyung’s ‘dead fish’ hand shake.  
Taehyung noted the accent and deduced that he was a foreigner; if the mere physical characteristics didn’t give way to any indication that Matt was, in fact, from the U.S.

“I’m okay,” Taehyung hesitated, unsure if he should ask the therapist the same query, or just let the Q & A initiate.  
Matt gestured openly to two chairs across from where he sat at his desk, “you can pick either seat, Taehyung.”  
Taehyung chose the closest chair, but wondered if this was a test in reaching a diagnosis in his decisive capabilities.

Matt organized his desk with a manilla folder, most likely soon to be filled with Taehyung’s quotes and test analyses, a legal pad, and a thick, leather bound book with gold embossed lettering that read DSM V, in which Matt would retreat methodically back to reference like a Bible; he had brought the diagnostic book from the U.S., though, criteria for diagnoses would be different across the pond. 

Taehyung observed the therapist as he typed away on his keyboard without saying anything further. With the soft, friendly features painted across Matt’s face, and his knitted green sweater one size too small, hugging his healthy frame, Taehyung felt calm and at ease that there was no threatening sensations stemming from this strange man.  
Matt paused his typing after a minute when he noticed Taehyung staring at his frantic fingers dancing upon the keyboard. He flamboyantly laced his fingers and leaned forward over his desk in a highly interested manner.  
“How are you today, Taehyung?”  
Taehyung wondered if Matt forgot the exchange in pleasantries just before, or if he was nervous, as well.  
“I’m okay,” Taehyung said flatly.  
“Are you actually ‘okay’, or are you responding with what you think I should hear?”  
Taehyung felt a little transparent with the way Matt asked the question, like he knew the truth already.  
“Honestly,” Matt urged, knowing the patient-therapist relationship had to be built on trust and honesty.  
“I don’t know,” Taehyung hesitated as he turned his attention to his slender fingers fiddling with his cuffed sleeve, “I thought I was okay.”  
“Okay,” Matt confirmed with great empathy in his voice.  
“What is causing you doubt that you may not be ‘okay’?” Matt continued.  
Taehyung’s head buzzed with a confusing dizziness and he felt disconnected from this reality.  
“The fact that you asked me twice feels like I should tell you a different answer,” Taehyung opened up, unable to lie at such a trivial question.  
Matt leaned back in his chair, but never looked away from Taehyung.  
“Taehyung,” Matt spoke before a pause as he waited for Taehyung to look up, “whatever you say between us is going to be kept confidential from anyone outside of this room, okay?” He gestured in a circular motion around his head that made Taehyung visualize a helicopter propeller spinning out of him. “I know that you’re going through some painful emotions at the moment, and I’d like you to know upfront that our time together everyday is specifically to focus on you and your healing.”

_Everyday?_

Taehyung raced through the past few days of his interactions with his manager, but couldn’t find one instance where Sejin mentioned seeing a therapist every single day.  
Was he that crazy?  
“I’m going to talk to you everyday?” Taehyung questioned with added emphasis on ‘everyday’.  
“Yes. Your manager was very concerned with your health and asked what I thought would be best considering your special circumstances with your lifestyle as an idol, despite being on hiatus for the moment,” Matt leaned forward once again causing his chair to creak, “it’s not set in stone, Taehyung, and we can always lessen the sessions if we see improvement along the journey.”  
Taehyung returned his focus to his hands once again and exhaled a breathy sigh as he subconsciously bobbed his head acknowledging the situation.  
“Does this bother you, Taehyung?”  
Hearing his name being spoken so often kept bringing his attention back to the reality of everything instead of the roaming nature he had become accustomed to enduring the past few months. It was, somewhat, comforting everytime he heard Matt say his name, like he had to be reminded that he existed to someone else... and mattered for just that moment.  
“I don’t know,” Taehyung once again repeated. He felt this was going to become the phrase of the day that came out when a response was necessary.  
“Okay,” Matt spoke empathetically in understanding. 

He began typing on his keyboard again after placing some thick, black rimmed glasses on his nose. Taehyung thought it was odd he hadn’t been donning the specs before, but quickly replaced that thought with other stagnant worries troubling him.  
“I’m going to just ask you some basic questions so we can see where we need to start, okay Taehyung?”

_There it was again: ‘Taehyung’._

He began to feel a constricting suffocation as warmth permeated his entire chest cavity like a puppy love schoolboy.  
Taehyung whispered an ‘okay’ while he fought with his uncertainty in emotions as they blossomed unexpectedly.  
Matt glided the curser of his mouse over blank boxes waiting to be ticked once the examination had begun.  
“Does anyone in your immediate family have a diagnosis in regards to mental health?”  
“No.”

**NO:** _check._

“Has anyone in your extended family ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?”  
“No.”

**NO:** _check._

“Have you ever been previously diagnosed with a mental illness?”  
“No.”

 **NO:** _check._

“Any suicidal thoughts in your lifetime?”  
Taehyung hesitated, causing Matt to look up from his computer screen. He didn’t say anything to encourage Taehyung to speak up, but the mixed emotions of caring and concern read clearly on his face.  
“Not that I’d ever act on them,” Taehyung blurted out. He didn’t want the therapist to misunderstand or draw any sort of conclusions where they weren’t meant to end up.  
“It’s okay,” Matt replied. “Thank you for your honesty, Taehyung.”

_‘Taehyung’._

Again, his heart jumped when hearing his name fall from the therapist’s lips. He bowed his head to allow his long bangs to cascade over his eyes, masking his bashful hue of rosy cheeks that he worried were decorating his pale face.  
“Have you had any suicidal thoughts in the last three months?”  
Taehyung couldn’t bring himself to openly admit in words what he had been thinking about during the last several months while he struggled with his internal dialogue at times. His mouth squared to say something- anything, but his body just wouldn’t allow for the words to come forth, bringing to fruition what was currently just a thought.  
Matt noticed Taehyung’s struggle to speak, and allowed him the time to see if he could bring himself to open up on his own terms when he was ready. But as he continued to watch Taehyung’s lips contort with stuttered notes, he attentively watched the corners of Taehyung’s shadowed eyes droop downward as his chin flexed with the shake of an approaching sorrow, and he offered his wisdom.  
As soft as he could, Matt deadened the tension in the quiet room with his lowered tone, “it’s okay to experience suicidal ideations, Taehyung. The important thing is that you’re able to be here today to talk to me about it because you never acted on those thoughts.”  
Though the next question was, in fact, whether or not Taehyung made an attempt, Matt unprofessionally assumed Taehyung had avoided acting upon any urges due to the fact he had been filled in on the circumstances by Sejin that this was only a brief illness and Taehyung had never experienced troubles in the past.  
“Is it fair if I mark that you have had those thoughts in the past three months?”  
Taehyung nodded finding it easier to respond as long as he didn’t have to acknowledge the reality through speech.  
“Are you eating regularly?”  
“Now,” Taehyung hinted.  
“How have you been eating in the past three months? Restricting? Binging? Purging?”  
From Taehyung’s physical gauntness, Matt hovered his curser over ‘restricting’, waiting to check mark the box. But instead, Taehyung threw him for a loop with a nod.  
“Can you explain to me the cycle so I better understand?” Matt asked attempting to keep Taehyung from fully shutting down in verbal communication.  
“I would try not to eat for as long as I could, but the other members started pointing out that I was skipping meals. So I would eat in front of them, but then....” Taehyung trailed off without finishing his sentence.  
“What method would you use to get rid of the food, Taehyung? Did you force yourself to vomit, take laxatives or diuretics, overexercise?”  
“Umm,” Taehyung rubbed his open hand across his eyes like he was shaking the Magic 8 Ball of his mind to loosen the answer.  
After a brief moment with another awkward silence, Taehyung raised his head to look at the therapist like he was begging for him to say something to ease his racing thoughts.  
Matt was only human and sympathized for Taehyung as he watched the boy wrestle with his mind as the session progressed. He lifted his hands from his computer and laced them in from of him as he leaned forward in the same manner as before.  
“What are you thinking about right now?”

_What?_

Taehyung’s thoughts abruptly halted from the random question he now faced.  
“I don’t want to do this,” he softly pleaded.  
“Why is that?”  
“I don’t know.” The notorious phrase of the session made, yet, another appearance.  
“Are you having trouble saying what is going on out loud since that would feel like accepting that they’re real?”  
Taehyung couldn’t understand the confusing question entangling itself with his, already, cluttered, toxic thoughts scrambling within his head.  
“Are you going to tell my manager?” Taehyung quickly asked as a hitch caught in the back of his throat while constricting vocal cords made him feel suffocated.  
“No,” Matt said while flicking his head side to side, “everything is just between you and me. Okay, Taehyung?”

_Taehyung...._

“What if I don’t get better?”  
“Is that something that worries you most?”  
Answering a question with another seemed cliched to Taehyung.  
“My manager said he’ll break the contract if I don’t get better.”  
“What would that mean for you, Taehyung?”  
Taehyung couldn’t imagine a future where he didn’t grace the stage and perform for fans while dancing in tune to prerecorded song composures as ARMY belted the lyrics to their heart’s content.  
“What would be the point in living anymore?”  
Taehyung was shocked by the words that he spoke. But he genuinely couldn’t see a future doing anything else.  
“I think there’s a lot for you to live for, even if you do have to take time away from your current life. Everything is impermanent, Taehyung. If your contract ends, that doesn’t mean it’s for the rest of time. It will allow you the time to focus on proper healing, and then you can see about returning to performing once again if that’s what you choose.”

The therapist was right. Taehyung catastrophized the worst possibilities instead of understanding where the benefits were hidden.  
“Do you think that’s the way things will lead?” Matt asked, realizing Taehyung wasn’t going to say anything unless provoked.  
Taehyung shrugged, but resisted uttering the same phrase. “I don’t know what he would consider as ‘better’.”  
“Without asking him directly, we can only guess, and that wouldn’t be making any progress, would it?”  
Taehyung shook his head.  
“Would you consider asking him what his thoughts are so you can remove the stress of wondering?”  
Taehyung was having trouble with the way the therapist asked questions. Maybe it was because he was a foreigner with different dialect, or perhaps it was the clouded thinking Taehyung was tormented with that hindered his ability for basic comprehension.  
“I would assume it’s the way I was before I got sick,” Taehyung said.  
“Sick with your eating disorder?”

That stung. 

Hearing a professional mention the word ‘disorder’ caused Taehyung to reel back in his seat. He was fine hearing the term tossed around by others, but when a professional with the ability to make the diagnosis mentioned the words, it was a direct shot to the core.  
Taehyung shook his head, “before that.”  
Matt nodded, starting to see the timeline unfold.  
“Is this what sparked the disordered way of eating for you, Taehyung?”  
Taehyung nodded.  
Matt folded his arms and leaned even more across his desk, practically laying upon the wooden surface. Taehyung analyzed the man and wondered if he expressed genuine interest by the way he sat in waiting anticipation, or was just getting comfy from the boredom of Taehyung’s seemingly dull existence.  
“Well tell me about that; how was that experience for you?”  
Taehyung tried to remember the details of his first attack, even though it was fairly difficult not to recreate it vividly in his imagination.  
“I was in practice when I was hit with this stabbing pain in my stomach. I thought it was just a cramp, or something, but it just kept getting worse until I could barely breathe; it was so bad.”  
Matt showed a worried expression as he was deeply enthralled in Taehyung’s story.  
“I remember collapsing on the dance floor and seeing Hobi-hyung’s face, but I can’t remember much after that.”  
Taehyung looked up to get a read on Matt’s expression, but his eyes were just met with understanding.  
Taehyung continued while averting his gaze, “I didn’t think too much about it until it happened again and I began throwing up everything I ate. When I couldn’t even keep water down, I decided to stop eating so I wouldn’t throw up.”  
“And that’s why you started restricting; I see,” Matt confirmed his understanding. “Did you go to the doctor?”  
“They didn’t find anything at first, and the tests were becoming more unbearable once I started feeling better after about two weeks of not eating.”  
“But, Taehyung, you had to have known you couldn’t continue for very long without eating or drinking. What was your plan for that?”  
Taehyung wasn’t really sure what his plan had ever been, nor if he ever had one. He just made the connection that after not eating for weeks, his stomach started to feel better on it’s own.  
“I was just afraid to eat again.”  
Matt noted the silence falling over the room. “What made you begin to purge,” he sighed out.  
“I felt forced to eat with members but just couldn’t stop freaking out afterwards of whether or not the food would make me sick again. So I started making myself throw up.” Taehyung looked up again after realizing the irony of the situation, “I was worried about becoming sick, so I made myself sick,” Taehyung gave a maniacal grin with a brief chortle, “kind of funny when you think about it.”  
“No, I get it completely,” Matt voiced, sympathizing with the steps Taehyung attempted to prevent another traumatizing attack.  
“Did you notice your ability to perform waning with the lack of nutritional intake during this time?”  
“Even though I was losing a lot of weight, I really began to feel very heavy during dance practice, like I was wearing a weighted vest and cement shoes.”  
“So this really started to affect your everyday life in regards to your career; I see.”  
Taehyung could feel the words ready to spew out of his mouth like a floodgate had just been opened. It felt rectifying to finally get these secretive behaviors out from the overfilled bottle of hidden emotions buried deep within his soul.  
“I went online and found these pills that were supposed to help with energy. They were expensive, and people were reviewing them, warning that they were illegal. So I took that as code that they were legit....and I ordered a box of them.”  
Taehyung looked at Matt to see if he had a disapproving feature emoting visually, but he was caught off guard by the actual look in the therapist’s eyes. It was of complete understanding that led Taehyung to continue to spiral out of control, despite his desperate acts to figure out a way to return to his normal life without instigating his mystery illness.  
“What were these pills, Taehyung?”  
“Clobenzorex,” Taehyung shamefully uttered.  
“That’s a pretty powerful amphetamine, Taehyung,” Matt assuaged. Though he wasn’t a psychiatrist that dealt specifically with medicine, he had a general knowledge of commonly used drugs by people suffering from substance abuse.  
“It made me feel better, though. I started to feel like my usual self, and i didn’t even think about how hungry I was anymore.”  
“That’s because it’s an appetite suppressant,” Matt confirmed.  
Taehyung lowered his head with a guilty conscience, like a dog being reprimanded for peeing on the carpet.  
“Are you still taking these pills,” Matt asked.  
Taehyung shook his head. He didn’t want to admit he had several blister packs hidden throughout his room in the dorm and, instead, stuck with just answering the question being asked.  
“Okay, that’s good, Taehyung.”  
Matt looked down at the watch on his wrist and sighed an exhale.  
“I’m sorry this seems cut short, but I have to get going for my next appointment,” Matt said as he slid some papers inside of the folder that would, eventually, become Taehyung’s book of secrets and insights. “I want to thank you for being so open and honest with me and that it shows a lot of courage and bravery. Thank you, Taehyung.”

_Taehyung._

“I will be back tomorrow, and we can pick up where we left off at the same time, okay?”  
Taehyung nodded, but he couldn’t understand this desire to latch on to this man that he just met and beg him to stay with him. He didn’t want to feel lonely once he watched Matt exit the room.  
“Okay, Taehyung. I’ll see you tomorrow, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed you have a good rest of the night,” Matt said in his flamboyant demeanor.

And with that, Taehyung watched his therapist leave after packing up his laptop and giving a wave, only to feel the overwhelming sensation that he had been abandoned in this lonely world, yet again.


	30. Louder Than Bombs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Resting his head in his open palms, he pressed massaging fists against his eyes to momentarily blur the world. His head ached from the lack of Amphetamines in his system, and the pain medicine he took hours before had done little to alleviate his symptoms.

_Loneliness.  
Everyone is leaving you.  
Your grandmother.  
Your grandfather.  
Lee Ui-Soo....  
Maybe you should reunite yourself with them once again. _

After leaving the borrowed office where the meeting was held with his new therapist, Taehyung wandered back to his room with thoughts reeling in his mind. He felt like his emotions were running wild and he just needed a moment of quiet to focus on life.

_He’s being paid to listen to you whine.  
He doesn’t actually care about you.  
No one does.  
You’re a waste of space.  
You’re ruining everyone’s hard work.  
You can’t live without me, so why are you disobeying?  
Take the pills and you’ll feel better. _

Taehyung pulled out his desk chair and sat warily down, feeling exhausted with no physical strength left to hold himself together. 

_The pills are within reach.  
Just grab the box.  
Yeah, grab the box!  
Make the headache go away.  
Make the pain go away.  
Make yourself feel better.  
Yeah, make us feel better.  
Just one pill is all we need and things will be perfect. _

Resting his head in his open palms, he pressed massaging fists against his eyes to momentarily blur the world. His head ached from the lack of Amphetamines in his system, and the pain medicine he took hours before had done little to alleviate his symptoms.

_The answer is in the desk drawer.  
There’s a water bottle right here.  
We have everything we need to take away the pain.  
Why are you refusing?  
Why do you disobey?  
Listen to us!  
We know where the answer **LIES**.... _

He wanted his thoughts to still their momentum for a moment so he could rest his exhausted body, but he could not find the energy required to fight those menacing imps frenzying within his head.

_You’re nothing, Taehyung.  
You’ve contributed so little in this world.  
What use are you anymore?  
You’ll never become anything as long as you continue to ride the coattails of others.  
They’re the reason you are even an idol.  
Your family should have tossed you out with the trash long ago.  
That’s why your parents left you to be raised by your grandmother.  
They didn’t want you.  
Lucky for your grandma, she died before she could see how pathetic her grandson turned out to be.  
You’re just a waste of life..... ___

__

__“Stop! Stop it! Shut up already!” Taehyung screamed, pounding his fists repeatedly against the wooden surface of his desk. “Stop yelling at me!”  
His chest heaved with the onsetting feelings of emotions swirling inside of him, but soon dissipated as the subsiding adrenaline allowed him to feel a different sensation stinging in his wrist._ _

__In labored breaths, he rotated his hand to scan his eyes across the surface of his skin like a nosy detective. There was a dark blue lined mark that had lumped on the skin over the pisiform knob of his wrist. He pressed his cold fingers lightly on the blemished skin and felt the electrocuting streak of searing heat target the pain receptors through his arm. He jerked his hand back and pressed his wounded fist deep into his lap to bear the pain.  
As Taehyung rocked methodically in his chair, focusing on the pain in his wrist, the realization of quiet settling around him felt like a burden had been lifted from his conscience.  
The voice within his mind had silenced abruptly during the time he tended to his new injury.  
An overwhelming sense of tiredness swept over him as the pain endorphins filtered his toxic brain activity to a dormant state.  
His lidded eyes cascaded darkness as a precursor to the oncoming dreamworld while he wavered back and forth in his chair. With the lethargic notions that his bed was too far to hazily move to in his intoxicating stupor, he crossed his arms and placed his head in the fold of his elbow, allowing his eyes to stare longingly at the blue tinted skin of his sore wrist.  
Taehyung traced his mind for any sense of communication between the voices, only to be met with a complete stillness of relaxation; peace at last.  
With numbness of thoughts and emotions from the pain triggered reality, Taehyung quickly fell into a peaceful sleep at his desk.  
He could finally get some rest, at last, for he was at peace from the intrusive thoughts._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lee Ui-Soo was a childhood friend of Taehyung’s that committed suicide in 2017.


	31. Your Eyes Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung nearly winced as Jungkook held onto his bad hand, twisting his wrist slightly which sent searing pain throughout his arm. But the pain dissipated once Jungkook released his grip and cupped his hands around the backs of his thighs and pulled him close until he was standing between the younger’s firmly spread legs.   
> Jungkook proceeded to wrap his arms around Taehyung’s hips and leaned his face to press softly on Taehyung’s concaved, yet, fleshy stomach. As he flexed his arms to embrace the elder in a constricting hug at his waist, he released the quietest of soft musical moans to elicit a calming feel in this comforting position.

_Hyung...._

_Hyung....._

_Yah...._

“Hyung!”  
Taehyung startled awake in a jerking fashion with the sound of Jungkook’s melodic voice lingering in the air.  
“Hyung, you were asleep at your desk,” Jungkook said while Taehyung rubbed his eyes with the back of his unbruised hand. “Come on. Move to your bed.”   
Jungkook reached his arms around Taehyung’s waist and pulled the elder up until his back was flush against his chest. He pressed his face against the naked nape of Taehyung’s heated neck, and calmly moaned with closed eyes as he roamed a hand along Taehyung’s thin chest; resting it close to his pronounced collarbone, high enough for his fingertips to brush lightly through the fabric of his shirt and cause a euphoric tickle across the skin of the protruding bone.

Taehyung relaxed in the younger’s arms and allowed his weight to be distributed evenly between them. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the present moment.  
“I missed you,” Jungkook said softly, lips brushing against Taehyung’s skin, causing a slight sensation that sent chills throughout his body. He breathed in the scent of Taehyung, filling his lungs with the essence of his elder.  
“Jungkook,” Taehyung began, hesitating as his voice trailed off.  
Jungkook flexed his arms to encapsulate Taehyung’s smaller frame in his grasp. His heart thumped heavily with the sound of his name being stuttered through quivering lips.  
“Please don’t say anything, hyung.”  
Taehyung reached his better hand up to clasp onto Jungkook’s thick forearm, close to where it rested near his heart.  
“Why would you say you missed me?” Taehyung asked, sounding more like Jungkook’s hyung than his equal like he often portrayed himself to be in his presence.  
“I didn’t mean anything by it; just forget it!” Jungkook abruptly said, attempting not to upset Taehyung and lose the close touch he just established.  
“What’s wrong?” Taehyung asked, slowly rotating in the midst of Jungkook’s masculine embrace. His voice suddenly became curious, but he kept his tone steady after sensing the standoffish vocal notes from the young man grabbing ahold of him.  
“Jungkook, look at me,” Taehyung said, settling his cold hands beneath Jungkook’s jawline until the younger lifted his head up to meet his eyes.  
There were no tears brimming his eyelids, but something about Jungkook seemed unsteady as he stared back at his hyung; the muscles in his cheek flexed as he clenched his teeth into the habitual grind he often committed.  
“Do I seem different?” Taehyung softly asked, flitting his dark eyes up and down to analyze Jungkook’s features from eyes to mouth.  
Jungkook just nodded ever so slightly against Taehyung’s hands to answer.  
Taehyung’s thoughts kept getting pulled away since he could see the raised contusion inflamed upon his wrist where the bash to the desk happened earlier in the day.

“Here; sit on the bed,” Taehyung said while pointing towards his sleeping arrangements across the room.   
His bed was made accordingly, with sheets tucked in, and a TaTa pillow nestled by the wall that the bed was pressed against.  
Jungkook reached the bed first and kept ahold of Taehyung’s hand as he turned to face him once seating himself atop the plain covers.   
Taehyung nearly winced as Jungkook held onto his bad hand, twisting his wrist slightly which sent searing pain throughout his arm. But the pain dissipated once Jungkook released his grip and cupped his hands around the backs of his thighs and pulled him close until he was standing between the younger’s firmly spread legs.   
Jungkook proceeded to wrap his arms around Taehyung’s hips and leaned his face to press softly on Taehyung’s concaved, yet, fleshy stomach. As he flexed his arms to embrace the elder in a constricting hug at his waist, he released the quietest of soft musical moans to elicit a calming feel in this comforting position.

Taehyung raked his good hand lovingly through Jungkook’s freshly washed hair, noting the presence of discolored roots making an appearance throughout the dyed strands of color.  
“Jungkook,” Taehyung called in a quiet tone.  
Without releasing his grip, like he was holding onto the other to save his own life, Jungkook spoke sullenly, nearly in a whisper, “you were very different.”   
The gloomy undertone of resignation loomed heavily in the surrounding air.  
Taehyung froze with uncertainties, stilling his hand upon Jungkook’s crown.  
“I know,” Taehyung finally whispered, unable to fight reality.  
He cupped his uninjured hand round the nape of Jungkook’s muscular neck and rubbed his calloused thumb softly against his skin.  
“I’m sorry, Jungkookie,” Taehyung began while brushing the younger’s long hair once more. “I know I’ve treated the members terribly and put the group in jeopardy of falling apart for my own personal issues that I didn’t see as a problem. I feel like a complete idiot for acting so selfishly instead of saying anything in the first place.”  
He felt Jungkook tighten his grip on his hips, but continued to speak his peace.  
“I wasted a lot of time and everyone’s energy while they tried to point out what I was doing was going to ruin everything we worked for. I mistreated the people I consider my family, and I don’t think I will forgive myself for putting you through that.”  
He slid his thumb across the sharp edge of Jungkook’s jawline until he reached his chin where he continued to place pressure until he was now looking apologetically into the doe eyes staring back at him. “I love you, Jungkookie, and I’m so sorry for not being your hyung like I should have been-“  
Nearly cutting off the end of Taehyung’s words with a jarring acceleration, Jungkook arose swiftly to his feet and pressed his lips hard upon Taehyung’s pillowy pout to stop his sympathetic apology.  
His hands gripped Taehyung’s back with fingers curling slightly until his nails scratched upon the fabric of his shirt that served as a barrier from his elder’s waxy skin. His heart swelled as he inhaled deeply, becoming intoxicated with the scent of Taehyung’s aftershave.  
With his heart rapidly pulsating, and his chest heaving in a passionate embrace, Taehyung unlocked his lips from Jungkook’s dry mouth and poked his tongue out to moisten his square smile.  
Jungkook leaned the crown of his head against his hyung’s and unforgivingly exhaled hot breath across Taehyung’s face, filtering his exuberant thoughts of ecstasy until he found the words he wanted to say:  
“Don’t ever apologize to me again for things that are out of your control.”


	32. Interlude: What Are You Doing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t know what to do, Jimin!”  
> Jimin sensed Taehyung was unraveling at a rapid pace, but like his friend, he also, did not know what to do.  
> “Where are you right now, Tae? I’ll come get you.”
> 
> “I’m by the river,” the melancholy voice moaned.

Jimin gazed over at his phone as he watched the screen blacken. He wondered what notifications he missed while hitting the ignore button in his hazy stupor after spending the evening sharing drinks with Yoongi.  
He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat up, feeling his back crack clear down his spine, one vertebra at a time.  
As the world became clear around him, he slapped his hand down to clasp onto the thin phone. He popped the charging plug free and lit up the screen’s backlight with a rigorous tapping of stiff fingers.

_**Taetae: will you give me a call when you get this mess.....** _

The preview of the text ended mid sentence and Jimin became curious why Taehyung didn’t come into his room to snuggle like usual instead of messaging him.  
He unlocked his phone and selected the ominous message to read it in it’s entirety.

_**will you give me a call when you get this message? I didn’t know what to do and panicked. sorry jimin.** _

Jimin’s heart sped up rapidly after reading the full message.   
What happened?   
What made Taehyung panic?   
Why was he apologizing?  
He tapped the mini phone icon and waited for Taehyung’s voice to come through the speaker.  
“Jimin-ah?”  
“Tae? Are you okay? Where are you?” So many questions needed to be answered.  
“I’m sorry, Jiminie,” Taehyung’s voice cracked in a higher pitch than the normal low notes he regularly spoke.  
“What’s wrong? Are you crying?”  
“I couldn’t take it anymore!” The cries became audible, decorating each word with a heavy undertone.   
“What happened?” Jimin tried to keep his voice from sounding in hysterics so Taehyung could have his moment, but hidden from view, he was a mess.  
“I couldn’t take hearing the voices! I just wanted them to stop! I’m sorry I did it! I was in so much pain!”  
Jimin’s heart broke while listening to Taehyung break from the phone to heave loud sobs and gasp for fresh air.  
“Tae?” Jimin questioned, waiting to see if Taehyung would respond.  
“I’m so sorry! I messed up again! I’m going to be kicked out!”  
Jimin’s worries erratically ran laps within his mind, “did you take something?” He spoke softly, subconsciously lowering his voice as if people would be on the other side of his closed door with their faces pressed against the frame to hear his conversation.  
“I don’t know what to do, Jimin!”  
Jimin sensed Taehyung was unraveling at a rapid pace, but like his friend, he also, did not know what to do.  
“Where are you right now, Tae? I’ll come get you.”  
“Are you going to tell everyone?” Taehyung’s voice shook as he stifled cries long enough to get his words free.  
“No. It’ll just be me.” Jimin wanted to tell Sejin that he needed help, but he didn’t want to destroy the relationship he had with Taehyung.  
“I’m by the river,” the melancholy voice moaned.  
Jimin kicked his legs free of the bedsheets and started to pull clean clothes from the closet.  
He knew the exact spot Taehyung would be at since they would often go to relax and talk therapeutically with each other from time to time. It was a mutual meeting spot designated for their friendship to bloom.  
“I’ll be there shortly. Just stay put and don’t leave, okay?” His voice began to rush while he made valiant attempts to dress with the phone next to his ear. Speakerphone would have been helpful at this moment, but he worried the robotic sounds of a possible confession could be heard if someone happened to be passing by his room.  
“I’m sorry,” Taehyung sobbed the sentence that soon trailed off into white noise.  
“It’s okay! I’m coming! If you need anything, call back!”  
And with that, Jimin hung up and raced out of his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a double chapter upload today since they were 1) both pretty short with minimum progression of the story, and 2) I can upload a brand new chapter Friday like I had hoped.
> 
> So this chapter was the very last of the old version, and tomorrow will start all new never-before-seen chapters.


	33. Intro: Boy Meets Evil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What is going to happen when I take you home, Taehyungie?”  
> The younger shook his head as he nervously tugged upon the strands of hair near his neck.  
> “Why won’t you tell me? You’ve already hinted at it multiple times enough for me to know something bad will happen once we’re home. Do you need me to take you to the hospital?”  
> “No!” Taehyung yelled out in terrifying worry, “no, please don’t! I can’t be left alone with the terrorizing voices in my mind. Please stay with me!”

“Taehyungie!” Jimin called aloud as he rushed over to stand with his friend near designated location by the Han River.

The air was cool as the midnight hour ticked past.  
Jimin had received an alarming phone call earlier that sent chills down his spine to hear Taehyung’s somber voice speak so dead with sound.

Taehyung turned to see Jimin running up towards him with Hoseok trailing behind.  
“Why...” Taehyung began, but decided not to finish as any words after would have felt rude.  
“I had a few drinks with Suga-hyung and asked Hobi-hyung to drive me,” Jimin responded, knowing full well that was going to be Taehyung’s question.

Hoseok stood next to Jimin and spoke with an exhausted tone, “Taehyungie, are you okay?”  
Taehyung’s response was a cause for concern. He shook his head and had his mouth gaped like words were meant to exit, but only silence filtered into the air.  
Hoseok could feel the worry looming overhead, “what’s wrong?! What’s going on?!” He placed his heavy hand upon Taehyung’s shoulder.  
“I-I....ummm,” Taehyung stuttered, finding it even more difficult to explain himself to his hyung than if it was just his friend.  
He quit trying to force his words and moved to raise his hand slightly and open his cupped palm to reveal what he was hiding.  
Nestled in his palm was a crushed box with partially missing pockets inside the blister packs that crinkled as the cardboard tried to regain its structural integrity.  
Both males had a brief exclamation as they realized what the younger was displaying, but Hoseok immediately became the protective big brother for the two friends.  
“Give me the pills, Taehyung,” he said, opening up his hand to receive the toxic chemicals.  
As Taehyung flipped his hand over to give away his happiness, Hoseok could see the shakiness present in the younger’s quaking hand.  
After palming the crumpled box and placing it in his jacket pocket, Hoseok took a step forward, closing the distance between him and Taehyung, and unwelcomingly put his searching hands inside Taehyung’s sweater pockets.  
“Do you have anything else,” Hoseok asked as he allowed his fingers to flit deep inside the warm pockets.  
Taehyung shook his head as he lowered his gaze in shame at the lack of trust between him and his hyung.  
“Where did you get these,” Hoseok asked without stepping back. The suffocating space made Taehyung feel inferior.  
“They’ve been hidden in my room,” Taehyung admitted quietly.  
“Did you take any before we showed up?”  
Taehyung didn’t answer. His shame spoke for him as he hung his head in silence, letting his bangs cover his saddened, tear stained eyes.

“Look up,” Hoseok commanded as he cupped his fingers around Taehyung’s chin and forced his head up to unveil his eyes.  
Taehyung’s immediate reaction was to grab Hoseok’s wrist in worry of the sudden movement.  
“Let me see your eyes,” Hoseok demanded with a tone neither Jimin nor Taehyung ever heard before.  
Taehyung opened his bloodshot eyes and stared hopelessly back at his hyung’s soft features. He could feel his gaze practically begging for a savior from himself in that moment.  
“You didn’t take anything, did you?” Hoseok postulated a guess from the lack of dilation in Taehyung’s pupils.  
“What if I did?” Taehyung defended with great offense.  
“It wouldn’t change the fact that I’m still giving these to Sejin-hyung and telling him about this,” Hoseok chirped, feeling himself getting on edge with Taehyung’s sudden upheaval of anger and torment.

Taehyung felt his anger coursing through his bloodstream with every admission from his hyung’s lips, “why do you have to get him involved?! Is it not good enough that you now have my pills and I have nothing?! I have nothing!” Taehyung shrieked as he was harboring much frustration for his own failing actions.  
“Taehyung stop!” Hoseok demanded as he closed the gap and tried to wrap his arms around the younger. He could tell Taehyung was losing his grip with reality and was acting out in ways that was unlike him in nature.  
“No! Don’t touch me!” Taehyung shouted as he raised his hands and pressed futilely against Hoseok’s chest.

The eldest didn’t hold back and managed to resist Taehyung’s meek strength and was able to subdue him into a consoling hug, “I know this isn’t you, and I know you don’t mean what you’re saying right now. I know you don’t want to be left alone anymore.”  
“Stop! Just shut up!” Taehyung yelled rudely at the elder, “you don’t know how I feel! You don’t know what this is like!”  
Hoseok immediately interrupted, “you’re right! I don’t know what you’re going through. But I’m here to listen to you. Help me understand what this is! Tell me what this feels like!”  
“It sucks!” Taehyung hollered.   
“Why?” Hoseok continued, hoping to break through Taehyung’s barriers, “tell me! What is it?!”  
“I hate living!” Taehyung wailed as the tears began to fall. He reached up and gripped the fabric of Hoseok’s jacket into his fist, “I can’t take the pain! All I want is to take the drugs and no matter how much I try to resist, it’s not getting any easier! Nobody knows what this feels like! I just want to take them so I can stop the hatred of living everyday! All I think about is how much better I’ll feel if I just take one pill! I just want one, is all! Please?! Just make this go away! Please just let me have one more pill before you give them to Sejin-hyung! Just one? Please?! I need them!”  
Taehyung trailed off as he continued begging for the substance that his mind had become addicted to.

Hearing his friend pleading for the drugs made Jimin’s heart break. He staggered forward and wrapped his arms around Taehyung’s thin waist, and buried his face in the crook of his neck.  
“Taehyungie, listen to yourself,” Hoseok said as he adjusted his arm to allow Jimin into the trio of comfort. “You are so addicted to these pills that you are begging like a drug addict.”  
Taehyung heaved his tearful sorrows as he no longer cared about his composure, “I just want them back... I regret giving them to you.... I just need one more and then I can stop.... just to help with right now and then I won’t ask again....”  
Hoseok clasped his hand around the back of Taehyung’s head and swayed his body as he rocked methodically against the two friends, “you can keep begging all you want, but I’m definitely not giving you a single pill back. I will take responsibility in making sure you get better, and that includes resisting your cravings for you.”  
“But it hurts so bad,” Taehyung muffled a cry against Hoseok’s shoulder, “don’t you care that I’m in pain?! Don’t you want to help take it away?!”  
“Don’t guilt me into doing something like this, Taehyungie,” Hoseok said with a ferocity in his vocal song as he gripped his fingers tighter upon the nape of Taehyung’s cradled neck. “You can make me feel terrible all you want because I know it’s the addiction talking to me and not my sweet Taehyungie. But I will not bend to the demands of your addiction. If I have to sit with you every second of the day until these cravings pass, I will. I don’t care how many times you say you hate me, I will not let you continue to fall apart.”  
“Shut up!” Taehyung cried, “I don’t need anybody- I just need a pill and everything will be fine! Just get off of me and give me back what’s mine!”  
“Taehyungie, stop,” Jimin spoke up to discontinue the tension and animosities towards his hyung, “stop yelling at Hobi-hyung like that.”  
Jimin never raised his voice while speaking; he kept his tone level, but he _had_ to say something to halt Taehyung from saying words he’d soon regret. He couldn’t stand to listen to the barrage of volatile words spewing from his friend’s mouth towards their big brother anymore.

“Why did you bring him?! Why is he here?! He’s ruining everything! Just give me back my pills!” Taehyung screamed as he began pounding his fists harshly against Hoseok’s back.  
“Stop!” Jimin shrieked as he grabbed onto his friend’s bludgeoning fist.

“You’re not my Taehyungie,” Hoseok whispered, causing Jimin to freeze as he gripped his friend’s wrist in his hands. “I don’t know who you are, but you’re not my Taehyungie. He would never hit me. He would never yell at me. He would never take my smile from me. Whomever you are, you need to leave so my Taehyungie can come back. I hate you and what you have done to this kid.”  
“Hyung...” Jimin gasped hearing his hyung’s cold words flow effortlessly from his lips.  
“I want my Taehyungie back,” Hoseok repeated as he grabbed onto Taehyung even tighter, smothering the younger’s crying eyes against his shoulder. “I just want my Taehyungie back.”

Hearing his hyung say he hated him hurt Taehyung to no end. His chest strained with the pain of loneliness and he snapped from his pleading cries for drugs, moving to the strong desire of wanting Hoseok to love him once more.  
“I’m sorry...” Taehyung cried out with the veins in his neck protruding from the force of the words being expelled amidst the heartache. “Please, don’t hate me! I don’t want to live if I know that you hate me!”  
Hoseok didn’t say anything for a moment, but, instead, just continued to hold onto the younger and allowed him this time to release his emotions. He understood that Taehyung was defenseless under the power of his addiction. He knew the addiction would do, or say, anything to get what it wanted. But he also decided he had to brace himself for the vicious insults and pain headed his way if he took on this role to help save the younger member from himself.

“Taehyungie,” Jimin cooed as his tangled his fingers gently through his friends sweat slicked hair sticking out from under his beanie, “please stop saying these things.”  
“It’s okay, Jiminie,” Hoseok remarked as he continued rocking Taehyung as he held him in his arms, “he’s going through something we have no idea how to handle. I’m resilient to what he says because I know he doesn’t mean it-“  
“But I’m not!” Jimin immediately interrupted, “I can’t stand here and listen to him say these things! He’s breaking my heart!” Tears finally broke loose from Jimin’s eye slits as he exhaled his frustrations.  
“Go sit in the car,” Hoseok said as he lightly shoved Jimin’s hand away from Taehyung’s arm. “I can handle this, just go take care of yourself right now.”  
Jimin looked up at his hyung ready to break. He didn’t want to walk away and abandon the two others at this time.  
“It’s okay. Just go,” Hoseok said as he gestured towards his parked car, “I’ve got this. You’ve done well.”  
Jimin turned sheepishly away and felt the over flowing surge of emotions as he marched back towards the awaiting vehicle. He felt helpless and weak compared to what Hoseok was able to endure just now.

“Taehyungie,” Hoseok called after hearing the younger member stifle his sobs a bit, “you’re friend is upset....”  
He noticed Taehyung briefly quiet down as he spoke of his friend.  
“What can you do to make him feel better?”  
Taehyung didn’t respond. He just released his grip from his hyung’s jacket and began to wipe his tear streaked face.  
“He misses his friend. He misses being playful. He misses laughing with you- I can see it. We all do.”  
The eldest squeezed his hand against Taehyung’s back to massage the tense muscles under his sweater. “When will my Taehyungie come back home?”

“Is this me now?” A deep, throaty whisper escaped the younger’s dry lips as he questioned his life’s circumstance.  
“Hm?” Hoseok moaned, curious if he misheard the younger in what he asked.  
“Will I be ungrateful and selfish forever now?”  
“No!” Hoseok cooed as he pressed his lips against Taehyung’s neck, leaving a dry peck upon the clammy skin, “you’re struggling with something very heavy right now and this is just how you’re handling it because you don’t know any better. This isn’t you; you’re lost somewhere in here and fighting to break free. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through on the inside, or the pain you’re suffering, but I can tell you that I am suffering right here with you. Seeing you this way is causing me excruciating amounts of pain because I don’t know what to do for you- I don’t know how to help you. But i will stay by your side and will never step away from you in your moment of need. I will always be right here with you, do you hear me?”

Taehyung shifted in his stance, propelling his body erect to lock eyes with his hyung, “can I say something?”  
Hoseok clasped his hands around Taehyung’s nimble fingers and felt the icy cold digits curl against his skin.  
Taehyung sallowly looked down at their balled fists. Without raising his gaze, he spoke unwittingly, “I’m afraid for my safety.”  
Hoseok felt jilted at the reality of the moment, “what do you mean, Taehyungie?”  
Taehyung slowly shook his head as he winced his dry lids together to shake the idea from his clouded mind, “I don’t feel in control of my actions anymore,” he raised his eyes and met the elder’s worried stare, “I don’t feel like I can take care of myself.”  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok began with uncertainty, “I’m really trying to understand, but can you elaborate for me?”  
“Umm, I...” he released one of his hands to scratch at the back of his head with a nervous twinge, “I want to take this aggression out on myself.”  
“I still don’t understand,” Hoseok explained as he shook his head in confusion.  
“It’s like I have a separate being inside of my brain, and right now, they’re screaming at me to shut up. They don’t want me to tell you anything more because if I go home and do what it tells me, I’ll be able to feel better.”  
The elder looked hesitantly at his dongsaeng, but didn’t know what to say. He was flabbergasted with Taehyung opening up so honestly.  
“Inside of my head,” Taehyung continued as he pressed a pointed finger against his temple, “I’m being yelled at for giving you the pills. I’m being told that I’m a fool because the answer to feel better was in my hands, and I gave it away like an idiot. So now.... now,” Taehyung fought to get the rest of his sentence out.  
“What now? What is that voice saying now?” Hoseok helped to coax the information out.  
“Now,” Taehyung sighed in hopeless defeat, knowing the hidden entity inside of him would dole out an even worse punishment for disobeying. “It’s gonna be worse if I tell you- I’ve said too much!”  
“No! No! No, Taehyungie,” Hoseok quickly cued, “you haven’t said enough. Please, keep telling me! I want to know more. What’s going to be worse?”  
“The punishment.”  
“What do you mean?” Hoseok looked fearful at the younger male. “Why are you going to be punished? By who?”  
“That voice.... they’re mad at me. That’s why I can’t take you hating me, as well.”  
“Taehyungie, I don’t hate you,” Hoseok quickly stated in his defense, “I’m here because I love you.”  
“I said really mean things to you,” Taehyung said with shame.  
“I know it wasn’t you saying-“  
“I need to pay for what I’ve said!”  
Hoseok paused and brazenly stared back at Taehyung. He seemed to be losing a battle before his very eyes.

“What is going to happen when I take you home, Taehyungie?”  
The younger shook his head as he nervously tugged upon the strands of hair near his neck.  
“Why won’t you tell me? You’ve already hinted at it multiple times enough for me to know something bad will happen once we’re home. Do you need me to take you to the hospital?”  
“No!” Taehyung yelled out in terrifying worry, “no, please don’t! I can’t be left alone with the terrorizing voices in my mind. Please stay with me!”  
“Alright,” Hoseok said as he grabbed Taehyung’s hand that began pulling chunks of hair from his scalp. “Do I just need to sit with you, or what will keep you safe? I don’t know what you mean, Taehyungie.”  
Hoseok was beginning to have frenzied worries running amok in his mind as the panic set in with the unknown.  
“Umm...I don’t know how to say this. I want to know how you’ll react, because I don’t want you to freak out.”  
“Taehyungie, not knowing is what’s causing me to worry. Please, just tell me. I’ll try not to react, but I got to tell you, I’m really starting to get scared.”  
Taehyung’s blank expression with puffy, maroon lidded eyes peered back at Hoseok in wonder. His mouth gaped slightly as he cautioned a soft sigh, “you’re scared, hyung?”  
Hoseok found the look of Taehyung’s features to be eerily unnerving as it felt like he was gazing into his soul with that blank expression that didn’t appear to be human.  
“I am scared; I’m not going to lie.”  
“I’m scared too, hyung,” Taehyung exhaled the sentiment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brand new chapter that continues the story past the point where the original left off.   
> Hobi was chosen for this part since I wrote it around his birthday.


	34. Singularity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The excitement of the possibility of receiving the drugs made Hoseok’s stomach churn in anguish.  
> “Let me get them and get some water and I’ll come right back, okay,” Hoseok said as he cautiously began to rise from his kneeling position.  
> “Oh! Right! Of course!” Taehyung shrilled in euphoric heat at the idea that his pain would soon be taken away. “Thank you, hyung! I love you so much for taking care of me! You’re the best I could ever ask for!”  
> “Just sit right here and wait for me to come back with water, okay,” Hoseok said as he gently pressed his palms against the air to contain the younger male to staying seated.
> 
> Hoseok walked to the closet and grabbed the crushed box of pills from his jacket pocket and turned to see the psychotic smile decorating Taehyung’s sallow features. “Stay right here and I’ll get you some water; I’ll be right back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your body is not paper; don’t cut it.  
> 💜💚

Hoseok had driven the two friends, and himself, back to the dorm in silence. It had begun to rain as the car sailed down the highway towards their residence. Soft classical music streamed throughout the vehicle at a low volume to break the tension slightly to ease everyone’s discomfort.

Hoseok pulled into the car park and killed the engine.  
“Jiminie, make sure you’re quiet in case the others are asleep,” Hoseok stated, considering the time was well past midnight by now. “Taehyungie and I will be in my room for a bit.”  
Jimin flicked his eyes to peer at his friend sitting in the passenger seat and nodded.  
“Hobi-hyung,” Jimin softly called while hidden in the shadows from the backseat, “thank you for coming out tonight.”  
Jimin knew Hoseok handled the situation with Taehyung appropriately. He wasn’t sure what he would have done in that position if he saw Taehyung begging for the drugs.  
“You’re welcome, Jiminie.”

The trio broke off their separate ways once inside the dorm, and Hoseok followed behind Taehyung into his room.  
“You can sleep in here tonight, Taehyungie,” Hoseok stated as he removed his jacket and hung it in his closet. “I’ll probably work on writing some more, so you can have the bed.”  
Taehyung turned and eyed his elder from where he stood in the middle of the room.  
“I can’t do this,” he stated as his whole body shook involuntarily.  
“What do you mean? Can’t do what?” Hoseok asked as he cautiously took a step forward towards his dongsaeng.  
“I’m going to break!”  
Taehyung’s voice wavered and quaked as he forced out his quick sentences. Hoseok could hear the worried tension in the younger’s voice.  
“I’m going to lose it!” He yelled as he pulled his hands up to cover his face. His fingers danced wildly as they shook from the panic setting in.  
“Here, Taehyungie. Sit down,” Hoseok stepped forward and grabbed ahold of Taehyung’s shoulders and guided him down towards the ground.  
He nestled his arched back against the bed frame and continued to speak with unnerving worry surmounting from deep within, “the voice; it’s really loud right now!”  
“What’s it saying?” Hoseok asked as he placed his arm across Taehyung’s shoulders and pulled him into his armpit.  
“It’s telling me to do bad things to myself now that I’m home.” Taehyung continued to hide his eyes with his trembling fingers as he found it easier to speak if he couldn’t see his hyung looking at him.  
“What exactly is it saying? What does it want you to do?”  
“It’s telling me to burn my skin to punish myself for getting rid of our drugs. It’s the only way it’ll stop yelling at me is if I pay for what I’ve done.”  
Hoseok held onto Taehyung with grief stricken worry as he listened to what the younger was admitting. He found his speech pattern to be erratic and of concern the way the younger used “our” to describe himself and the voice as two separate beings.

“Taehyungie,” Hoseok began with fear in his melodic voice, “have you had to do this before? Burn yourself, I mean?” He was afraid for the response. He didn’t want it to be true.  
Taehyung choked out a heavy sob upon hearing his hyung’s question, “I have.”  
“You’ve burned your skin before!?” Hoseok couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He tried not to allow his voice to come out sounding surprised, but he was in shock with the extremes the younger was falling victim to.  
He felt Taehyung nod his head against his arm as he continued to listen to his sharp, hyperventilated inhales of panic.  
“Show me what you’ve done,” Hoseok commanded.  
Taehyung reeled forward on his knees, escaping the comfort of Hoseok’s arm. He bowed his forehead to rest against the wooden floor as he trembled from the worry rising within.  
Hoseok gripped his hands against Taehyung’s sides and leaned over to speak next to Taehyung’s ear, “you didn’t do anything wrong that you need to be punished for tonight. I forgive you for what you said because I know it wasn’t you talking; it was the pills-“  
“No!” Taehyung shouted his interruption, “I need to be punished for getting rid of the pills like a fucking idiot!”  
Hoseok realized the toxic voice was only angry that Taehyung had rid himself of something that would continue to destroy himself, causing whatever entity that swelled inside of him to be angry with his decision.  
“No you don’t,” Hoseok explained in a calm manner to ease Taehyung’s dreadful worries, “you did what you had to do, and I’m so proud of you. I couldn’t imagine how hard that was for you to give me the drugs when you, clearly, were fighting whatever it is that’s keeping you addicted. I am so proud of you, Taehyungie.”  
“I just want this voice to shut up! My head hurts so bad,” Taehyung wailed as he ground his forehead against the wooden floor, clasping his hands harshly against his ears like he could numb out the drone of the silent screams inside his mind.

“What can I do,” Hoseok asked as he kneeled down and rested his head against Taehyung’s upper back. He was feeling exhausted trying to stay a step ahead, but could no longer guess what the younger member needed anymore.  
“Can I please have a pill so I can feel better? This will be the last one; I promise! I won’t ask again!” Taehyung stifled his tears as hope embraced his sick mind in a delusion that his hyung would abandon everything he just worked for.  
“Taehyungie, what’s going to happen once that pill wears off and you want another one?”  
“I can do it!” Taehyung shrieked with anger bubbling in his veins, “I just need one for tonight and then I can quit tomorrow- I know I can!”  
“What if I say no,” Hoseok knew he wouldn’t give in to the demands of the addiction, but he wanted to diffuse the situation without causing Taehyung to spiral out of control, and into a vicious rage.  
“Please, don’t do this to me!” Taehyung reared back on his heels and struck his hands out to grip Hoseok’s wrists tightly. He had a crazed look glazing over his eyes as he spoke with eagerness, “I thought you loved me! Didn’t you say you’d do anything to help me?! You’re hurting me if you don’t give me my pills back! Is that what you want?! Why are you hurting me, hyung?! I’m in pain!”  
The duality of emotions was bipolarizing in effect as he witnessed the young male switch personalities at the drop of a pin.  
“Taehyungie, release my hands right now,” Hoseok demanded as he held his balled fists in front of him to see the white knuckled grip clasping against his skin.  
“Are you going to give me a pill?!” Taehyung questioned with a lilt of excitement hidden in his voice.  
The excitement of the possibility of receiving the drugs made Hoseok’s stomach churn in anguish.  
“Let me get them and get some water and I’ll come right back, okay,” Hoseok said as he cautiously began to rise from his kneeling position.  
“Oh! Right! Of course!” Taehyung shrilled in euphoric heat at the idea that his pain would soon be taken away. “Thank you, hyung! I love you so much for taking care of me! You’re the best I could ever ask for!”  
“Just sit right here and wait for me to come back with water, okay,” Hoseok said as he gently pressed his palms against the air to contain the younger male to staying seated.  
Hoseok walked to the closet and grabbed the crushed box of pills from his jacket pocket and turned to see the psychotic smile decorating Taehyung’s sallow features. “Stay right here and I’ll get you some water; I’ll be right back.”  
Taehyung nodded with glee, barely able to contain his excitement.

Hoseok traipsed down the dark hallway towards the bathroom. He flicked on the light and lifted the lid to the toilet. As he pulled out the blister packets that held three and a half dozen tiny green capsules, he begin to press each pill to break the silver lining. He watched as the chemical candies quietly fell to the surface of the water where they floated in a carousel of broken dreams.  
After releasing the blister packets free from everything, he flushed the handle and watched the colorful pills swirl down the drain. He understood his actions would ensue a volatile reaction from the younger, but he saw this as a better option than what would entail if he bent to the addictions desires and actually gave Taehyung the pills.  
Hoseok filled a small cup with water, and flicked off the light illuminating the bathroom.

Taehyung was still seated impatiently waiting upon the floor where Hoseok had left him like a trained puppy. He returned with the cup of water and held out his hand waiting for Taehyung to take the cup from him, “here, drink some of this first.”  
Taehyung quickly took the cup and swigged a gulp of the sweet nectar as he obeyed in order to receive his next treat. He held out his open palm and enthusiastically requested, “my pills?”  
Hoseok held the box in his hand and watched Taehyung in this gentle state of adherence. It was pathetic seeing a grown man so easily corrupted by a tiny poisonous pill.

“Drink some more,” Hoseok said.  
“I won’t have any left to take my pills if I keep drinking though,” Taehyung playfully cooed as he took another gulp, “I’ve gotten good at swallowing them dry, though! It’s a habit since I’d pop them at the most random times when we were out! I never knew where we would be when I’d have to respond to that voice!”  
Hoseok listened as Taehyung spilled his secrets. He felt like he was breaking on the inside as he watched his dongsaeng speak so freely about taking drugs during their travels. It was astounding no one had noticed. Seeing his mood change so abruptly in just these last few hours was alarming he was able to suppress so much for so long.

“Can I have one now?” Taehyung asked as he stretched his hand up in a beggars fashion.  
Hoseok stood before the young male, watching him asking selfishly for the drugs he was forbidden to take. He lifted his hand and looked at the crumpled box sitting in his palm.  
“There’s none left...” Hoseok admitted finally.  
“What?” Taehyung laughed with anxious worry.  
Hoseok pulled out one of the blister packets and showed every vacant compartment was missing a resident. “It’s empty,” he repeated as he flipped the packet between his fingers.  
“Where are they?!” Taehyung shrieked as he stood from his kneeling position, “there were still some in there! I know there was! I counted them when I got back! Where are they?!”  
Taehyung grabbed ahold of Hoseok and dug his rage fueled nails deep into his elder’s skin.  
“I threw them out,” Hoseok quietly said, not feeling like fighting anymore from the exhausting nature of a situation that had gone on for far too long.  
“What?! Why?! Where are they?! I’ll just go get one from the bin!” Taehyung’s eyes were maniacally wide with desperation.  
“I flushed them away,” Hoseok admitted, readying himself for what the younger had building inside of him.  
“You did what?!” Taehyung angrily snarled feeling the impulse to swing at his hyung. “How could you! I hate you so much! You’re hurting me, don’t you see?!”  
Hoseok had reached his limit and wanted to keep Taehyung’s voice down to prevent the others from being rustled awake from his shrills of hysteria. The beating fists of the younger swung wildly in his fitful rage of anger as he behaved like a spoiled brat not used to being told no.  
“Shh, Taehyungie shut up,” Hoseok said sharply as he endured Taehyung’s flailing long enough to close the gap and cover the younger’s mouth to muffle his screaming of harsh criticisms.

The two boys fell to the ground with the scuffling, but Hoseok immediately gathered himself and straddled his legs over Taehyung’s hips to still him from regaining his footing. He continued pressing his hand over Taehyung’s lips and managed to grab one of the younger’s hands in the struggle to resist being hit again. He noticed Taehyung busied his other hand with trying to remove the smothering palm from his filthy, insulting mouth.  
“Shut up and listen to me, Taehyungie,” Hoseok demanded as he jerked Taehyung’s head for attention, “if you don’t stop screaming and acting this way, I will get Sejin-hyung so he can have you admitted to the hospital tonight! Do you understand me?!”  
The tears flowed from Taehyung’s eyes at a rapid pace. Hoseok could easily tell his dongsaeng was in an immense amount of pain, but he also had to take his own health into consideration. He wasn’t about to allow Taehyung to verbally, or physically, abuse him in his addicted rage for one more moment.

Taehyung stopped resisting the struggle and removed himself to feeling defeated.  
Hoseok could feel the strong suction of the suffocating inhale against his palm and gently lifted his hand to allow the fresh air to reach Taehyung’s lungs.  
Hoseok sat back on his heels and watched as Taehyung heaved the heaviest sobs.  
The young member crossed his arms and laid them across his face to hide his features from his hyung. He wanted to regain his control of himself. He hated this powerless feeling that had taken over his entire self.  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok finally said as he leaned forward and tugged gently at Taehyung’s arms, only to be met with resistance from the younger.  
He noticed Taehyung’s sweater had lifted some when he fell back and could now see enough of his tan skin near his hip bone exposed. There was a sickening broken bubble of skin that had lint residue from the fabric of his pants mixing with the seeping liquid that was hidden underneath the waistband of his jeans.  
“Taehyungie, why?!” Those were the only words Hoseok could get out before placing his face in his hand and careening over in doubled over travesty. He cupped his hand softly over the wound, careful not to touch the broken skin to avoid any sting from the salt of his hand.

Taehyung didn’t argue or fight back. He remembered the wound he had created and knew exactly what Hoseok was remarking at.  
“Taehyungie, please talk to me!” Hoseok cried out, no longer able to control his composure.  
His heart had taken too much and he couldn’t tolerate one more thing in the moment, “please tell hyung why you did this to yourself!”  
Hoseok curled his fingers around the band of Taehyung’s jeans and pulled at the fabric to expose more of his skin. But he was not ready for the sight he found below his waist: there were multiple burn wounds overlapping each other in the slight area he could see.  
“Oh my god, Taehyung! What did you do?!” Hoseok gasped aloud. He fingered the button of Taehyung’s pants and was clasping the zipper before the younger interjected and grabbed his hands to stop his motions.  
“Let me see. I have to know what you’ve done,” Hoseok proclaimed as he pulled away Taehyung’s hands that were impeding his movements.  
“No, stop! I didn’t mean for you to see!” Taehyung denounced as he pulled at the waist of his jeans to replace them upon his hips to hide his shameful acts.  
“I have to know, Taehyungie,” Hoseok said once again, “I know they’re there. I just want to see how bad it is.”  
“I wish they’d get infected and kill me! I don’t care anymore!” Taehyung cried, not giving up the fight to keep his pants where they are.  
“Please let me see, Taehyungie. I don’t want to keep threatening you with telling Sejin-hyung, but these are open wounds.”  
“Don’t tell him!” Taehyung whined, frustrated at himself for failing to keep his destroyed flesh hidden, “he’s going to make me go to the hospital and I’ll be by myself! I want to stay here with you!”

The back and forth, love-hate, language Taehyung was expressing was exhausting for Hoseok to keep up with. It was messing with his mind to feel empathetic at one minute, and then on his guard the next.  
“Can I see them?” Hoseok pleaded. He wanted to see the amount of damage Taehyung had delivered to himself to know how bad things were.  
“Are you going to say anything?!” Taehyung inquired with great unease.  
“Let me see first. Right now, it’s just you and me, okay? I’m sorry I brought up hyung’s name. I shouldn’t have done that,” Hoseok was trying to diffuse the tension in order to have Taehyung trust his efforts in helping him through this.  
“You already saw them. Please just let me be,” Taehyung begged as he gripped the fabric of his jeans in an unrelenting death grip.  
“Will you at least let me clean them out for you? I care if they get infected and I’ll feel better if you allow me to do that.”  
“Please stop,” Taehyung cried as he tilted his head back to release more frustrated whimpers.  
“Listen, Taehyungie,” Hoseok reproached as he grabbed ahold of Taehyung’s hands still hellbent on holding the band of his jeans, “I already know you have burns here. I know you’re embarrassed about them, and that’s okay. Please just let me clean them and put a bandage on them so I can at least feel better about the situation. Okay?”  
“I don’t want you to think I’m crazy,” Taehyung cried out with worry.  
“I won’t; I promise,” Hoseok easily admitted, “can I see what they look like?”  
Hoseok waited, but was met with silent sniffles from the younger.  
“Okay?” He repeated as he plucked Taehyung’s hands up, “it’ll be okay. Just hold this.” Hoseok reached up to his bed and grabbed the small RJ pillow Jin had left in each of the members’ rooms as a joke. He gave it to Taehyung and placed it over his eyes. “Just hold onto this, okay?”  
Taehyung gripped the RJ pillow over his eyes and continued to whimper with anxiety as he felt Hoseok’s hands begin to undo his jeans.  
Hoseok could feel Taehyung’s body trembling underneath him and felt relinquished to continue. But as his big brother, Hoseok knew he had to make sure the wounds were cleaned out.

He pulled the zipper down and peeled the fabric apart to expose the black boxers underneath. More sickening broken flesh flecked the younger’s groin area under the waistband of his underwear and Hoseok knew it would be even worse the lower he went.  
“Are you okay?” Hoseok politely asked the younger, understanding this was probably humiliating to have his secrets being revealed in this manner.  
The RJ pillow moved slightly as Taehyung pressed it to his nodding face.  
Hoseok pulled Taehyung’s jeans down slightly until he met resistance with the floor beneath his hips. He patted the younger’s bottom to get him to lift up so he could continue exploring the vicinity of the scene.  
As Taehyung sheepishly raised the slightest bit to aid Hoseok, he couldn’t help but feel the overwhelming sensation of powerful emotions consume his entire being. His body shook as he fought to control himself long enough while Hoseok checked the damaged area.

The elder tugged at the black band of Taehyung’s boxers to reveal the entirety of damage that had been dealt. Nearly his entire pelvic area was covered in burned skin, some more noxious than others.  
“Taehyungie, why?” Hoseok softly asked while he thumbed some clean skin near the worst looking sore that was seeping fresh fluid.  
“I’m sorry, hyung,” Taehyung muffled a sorrowful remorse through the RJ pillow.  
“Stay here, I’m going to get some things from the bathroom to clean these out.”

Hoseok stood abruptly to run to the bathroom to grab a towel and supplies to clean the wounds and bandage his dongsaeng up.


	35. Stigma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can do it myself in the bathroom.”  
> “No, Taehyungie. I’d rather do it myself so I know it’s done properly. Pull your pants off and come on,” Hoseok said while pawing at Taehyung’s ankle to hurry him along. It was very late at this point, and Hoseok just wanted to go to bed to end this dreadful night.  
> Taehyung stirred slowly, but still obeyed his hyung’s orders to disrobe his garments.  
> “How far down are they? Do you have to take off your underwear, too?” Hoseok asked as he waited for Taehyung to finish pulling his legs free from his jeans.  
> He could see more burns on Taehyung’s upper thigh, poking out from under the hem of his boxers.  
> “Are they all over your legs, Taehyungie?” Hoseok crooned with pain strewn through his words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your skin is not paper, don’t cut it.  
> Your face is not a mask, don’t cover it.  
> 💜💚

“Hobi-hyung!”

Hoseok closed the mirror to the cabinet where he was gathering antibiotic ointment, revealing the owner of the voice standing in the doorway of the bathroom.  
“Jungkook-Ah, did I wake you?”  
“I heard you and Taehyung yelling,” the youngest admitted, “is everything alright?”  
Jungkook flitted his eyes to the objects laying upon the counter and looked back worriedly to his hyung, “what happened?”  
“Jungkookie, go back to sleep, okay? I’ve got this,” Hoseok proclaimed as he clapped his hand against Jungkook’s arm and worked to usher him away from the bathroom; but his efforts were met with resistance.  
Jungkook gripped the doorway of the bathroom to keep himself from being pushed away, “please don’t leave me in the dark. If something happened, I want to know about it.”  
“No, Jungkookie,” Hoseok said as he shook his head, “not tonight. Just go back to bed.”  
“Is it Taehyungie-hyung?” Jungkook quickly questioned as he grabbed ahold of Hoseok’s wrist to prevent him from pushing him further. “What happened? Please tell me.”  
Hoseok sighed not knowing if he should tell Jungkook of the exact circumstance happening within his bedroom. He wasn’t able to guess what the younger’s reaction would be upon hearing the news, and wondered if he should lie about the real reason for having these items.  
But Hoseok couldn’t lie, “I found some injuries on Taehyung.”  
“What kind?” Jungkook questioned.  
“They’re burns,” Hoseok explained, “he did them himself, and I just want to clean them out.”  
“What do you mean? Why would he do that?” Jungkook continued his interrogation as his fretful mind started to work full force.   
“I don’t know, yet. I was hoping he’d tell me once I cleaned them out.”  
“What kind of burns? Like cigarette burns?” Jungkook asked in confusion.  
“No, I’m not sure, but they’re bigger than that.”  
“Hyung,” Jungkook sullenly called, “is he going to be alright?”  
Hoseok sighed a disingenuous exhale, “I really want to reassure you, but I don’t think I can right now. I honestly don’t know.”  
“Is he still in your room?”  
“Yeah, I want to keep an eye on him tonight since he gave me the rest of his drugs he had hidden in the house. He said he’s scared he’s losing control, so I thought it’d be best to keep him close.”

The overload of truths spilling from Hoseok’s mouth was a lot for the youngest to take in all at once.  
“He had more drugs here?”  
“It’s okay, I got rid of them. They’re out of the house for now,” Hoseok responded as he turned to finish gathering the rest of the supplies necessary for treating Taehyung’s injuries. “Look, Kookie, go back to bed for the night. I don’t want to leave Taehyungie by himself for long-“  
“-can I see him?” Jungkook quickly persuaded with the interruption.  
Hoseok slightly shook his head, “the burns are in a private area, and I don’t think he’ll feel comfortable if he found out tonight that you know what’s going on. He’s going through a lot right now with the drug withdrawals and I’d rather you not be there to share the brunt of any of his anger.”  
“I’m not a kid anymore, hyung,” Jungkook admitted with angst, “I get where you’re coming from, but if something is going on with Taehyungie-hyung, I want to be there for him. I won’t be able to rest knowing something is happening in the room next to mine and I’m supposed to pretend like I don’t know anything. Besides, two people watching him would be better than just you, right?”  
Realizing Jungkook’s animosity to fight for his desires with every ounce of strength he had, Hoseok breathed a sigh of displeasure, “I can only ask him what he wants when I go back. If he says no, I want you to go back to your room, okay?”  
“Okay,” Jungkook agreed with a relieving hope that he’ll be able to help Hoseok with Taehyung.

Hoseok returned to his room and opened the door noticing that Taehyung was now sitting upright, hugging the RJ pillow between his chest and knees.  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok called in a hushed voice.  
Taehyung turned his head to peer back at his hyung blocking the doorway. Though his eyes were dry like sandpaper orbs, he was able to see the shadowy silhouette of legs hidden behind the eldest.  
“Jungkook heard us and wants to know if he can come in to see you.”  
Taehyung watched his hyung in a dead stare that creeped the elder to his very core. He didn’t know how to answer; he didn’t know what he wanted in that moment, other than the sweet euphoric sensations from the drugs he craved most.  
“Hyung?” Jungkook beckoned with his soothing, melodic voice filling the air.  
“He knows, Taehyungie,” Hoseok admitted in fear Taehyung would turn Jungkook away if he worried about keeping his injuries a secret.  
Taehyung swiped his face across the little RJ pillow to wipe the tears from his sore eyes.  
“Hyung,” Jungkook called again as he wiggled his body past Hoseok, “please don’t turn me away; I want to sit with you.”

Taehyung laid the side of his face against the pillow and continued the dead stare in the direction of the doorway, but he made no attempt to focus on either member. He was fighting a losing battle within his mind, and exhaustion was taking over at a rapid pace, leaving him with nothing left but a shell of a corpse.   
“Hyung,” Jungkook called as he crossed the floor to reach Taehyung, “what’s the matter?”  
He sat next to the elder and straddled him in between his thighs as he moved to cradle his arms around Taehyung’s fetal body. Watching the vapid expression of deadness malinger across Taehyung’s features caused a sinking, sick sensation in his stomach.  
“I don’t feel good,” Taehyung softly whispered to the younger as he finally made eye contact.  
“Taehyungie, are you feeling sick?” Hoseok asked while setting the first aid supplies on the floor next to him.  
Taehyung shook his head, implying that he meant he wasn’t feeling mentally well at the present moment.

“Taehyungie, let me clean out your burns,” Hoseok said while dousing a cleaning pad in the overturned peroxide.  
Taehyung flicked his gaze towards Jungkook without even flinching his head, “I can do it myself in the bathroom.”  
“No, Taehyungie. I’d rather do it myself so I know it’s done properly. Pull your pants off and come on,” Hoseok said while pawing at Taehyung’s ankle to hurry him along. It was very late at this point, and Hoseok just wanted to go to bed to end this dreadful night.  
Taehyung stirred slowly, but still obeyed his hyung’s orders to disrobe his garments.  
“How far down are they? Do you have to take off your underwear, too?” Hoseok asked as he waited for Taehyung to finish pulling his legs free from his jeans.  
He could see more burns on Taehyung’s upper thigh, poking out from under the hem of his boxers.  
“Are they all over your legs, Taehyungie?” Hoseok crooned with pain strewn through his words.  
“Just take them off, hyung,” Jungkook said after noticing Taehyung’s hesitance to remove the light fabric.

It was humiliating for Taehyung to lay bare bottom in Hoseok’s room while his elder touched near his flaccid member as Jungkook looked on, but he just wanted to get through this nightmare as quick as possible. 

_It’s what you get for getting caught.  
It’s what you deserve for getting rid of our drugs.  
You insolent fool!  
They’re going to see how disgusting you are.  
You’re an embarrassment!_

Taehyung peeled off his boxers and twisted his legs up into himself, wishing to hide as much skin as possible with his tangled limbs.  
“Here, hyung,” Jungkook called as he crossed his legs and scooched to sit behind Taehyung, “lay your head here and focus on me, okay?” Jungkook patted his hand against his lap and held onto Taehyung’s arm to ease him down comfortably.  
“Here’s RJ,” Hoseok said as he placed the pillow on Taehyung’s stomach, in which Jungkook took it and held it closer towards Taehyung’s face to hug.

Hoseok pulled Taehyung’s legs down to unveil the destroyed skin all around his pelvic area. He noticed darker, blood-dried wounds on his hip crease where it looked as if they couldn’t heal properly, and kept splitting the scab from the skin with daily movements.  
“This will probably burn, Taehyungie, since a lot have lint from your clothing stuck in them.” Hoseok pulled at the flesh of Taehyung’s thigh to look closer at one of the burns near his hip crease, “This one looks like it could be infected.” The raised, puffy, pink area around the injury was a cause for concern. It felt warm when Hoseok placed his hand near the inflamed skin.  
“Oh, Taehyungie...what did you do?” The eldest lamented under his breath.

Hoseok dabbed some of the peroxide on the infected looking burn and watched it immediately begin to bubble profusely. Taehyung’s thigh jerked from the stinging sensation, but he managed to keep from kicking out. The pain felt, somewhat, better, occupying his thoughts from what was happening inside his head.

“Hyung?” Jungkook quietly cooed as he rifled his fingers through Taehyung’s long hair, “why did you burn yourself?”  
Taehyung cradled the RJ pillow next to his face, wanting to hide in embarrassment from the two other members, but Jungkook pressed the pillow to uncover his hyung’s mouth.  
“I was trying to resist taking the pills,” Taehyung softly whispered.  
“You did this because you were trying not to take the drugs?”  
Taehyung nodded his head in shame.  
“What did you burn yourself with?” Jungkook asked while he watched Hoseok wipe the moistened cloth over the second largest broken bit of flesh.  
“A lighter and a piece of metal,” Taehyung vaguely stated.  
“What do you mean?” Jungkook queried for a better understanding.  
“I’d heat up a metal spoon, and then leave it pressed against my skin until it cooled.”  
“Oh my god, hyung!” Jungkook gasped his horrid grief. He couldn’t imagine how painful that must have felt, let alone, doing it multiple times on the same, sensitive area.  
“Why did you do it here,” he asked, gesturing a pointed finger towards Taehyung’s nether regions.  
“It’s the one spot I could keep hidden from the staff. No one would see it, even during costume changes. But....,” Taehyung closed his eyes tightly with the shameful deeds being admitted, “I got carried away since we’re on a break.”  
“Why didn’t you come to me, or anyone else, instead of doing this to yourself? Hyung,” Jungkook exclaimed as he cupped his fingers underneath Taehyung’s strong jaw, “I’m never busy to the point where I won’t sit with you.”  
“This made the voices in my head stop saying terrible things to me,” Taehyung stated under his breath, “As long as I could focus on the pain, I didn’t hear as many things being said.”  
“What do you mean- what voices?” Jungkook was confused, but desperately wanted to understand more of what his hyung was going through so he could work at helping him in the future.

“It feels like I’m not in control of my actions anymore, and there’s a puppeteer living in my head that makes me do things I don’t want to do. When I try to resist, I just hear constant screaming and it’s worse than anything he’s trying to force me to do. I’d rather take pills, starve, or burn my skin than have to hear him yelling at me for hours on end.”  
Taehyung reached out and interlaced his fingers with Jungkook’s; softly caressing his thumb over the fading tattoo heart on the younger’s flesh. He wanted this comfort. He felt protected when he was able to feel Jungkook’s warmth.

“Do you want to get better?” Jungkook asked as he brushed the long hair behind Taehyung’s ear, causing the elder to experience shivers up and down his spine as fingernails brushed lightly against the sensitive skin.  
“I want to go back to before all of this happened. I hate living this way, and seeing the way everyone else seems to be miserable just being around me makes me hate myself.”  
“Do you think we look miserable, or is that voice convincing you we’re miserable?”  
Taehyung blinked his desiccated eyes as he watched Jungkook’s thumb rub the length of his knuckles to help soothe his troubled mind.  
“I don’t know anymore,” Taehyung said, questioning his own memories now.  
“What’s it saying right now?” Jungkook asked while leaning forward to rub Taehyung’s neck in a light massaging way.  
“It’s kind of quiet since I’m thinking about the pain. But it’s still telling me that I’m an idiot for giving the pills away, and that I’m terrible for yelling at Hobi-hyung the way that I did. It’s saying I need to be punished for both of those and it’ll only get louder the longer refuse.”  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok admonished briefly, “I’ll feel worse if you punish yourself because of the way you spoke to me tonight. I know that’s the addiction speaking, and I don’t want you to hurt yourself because you think you deserve it- you don’t. I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore. Ignore that voice because it’s wrong. You should never feel like you have to punish yourself in this manner. If you feel bad, tell me you’re sorry. I’ll accept that.”  
“I just want the voices to stop yelling at me,” Taehyung forced his words free as the tension was building heavily inside him.  
“I know you do; I want them to stop talking to you too,” Hoseok hesitated before applying some more gauze, moving to softly rub Taehyung’s upper thigh for comfort in that moment. “What can we do to help you instead of allowing you to continue hurting yourself?”

Taehyung paused his hand that was tickling Jungkook’s wrist as he traced his finger over more inked drawings. After a moment, he parted his lips, “I don’t know. I don’t know what else to do that doesn’t seem extreme, or damaging.”  
“What if you just come sit with us?” Jungkook asked, still raking his stiff fingers through Taehyung’s hair. “You’ve isolated yourself from us more and more and it feels like we’re growing distant from you. I would be fine if you found me and just wanted to do something.”  
“But the voice still won’t stop,” Taehyung elaborated, trying to get his point across, “it doesn’t matter how long I’m with people, it’s like I’m not even present with them. It’s like everybody blends into the background and I’m left so alone with just the voice in my head. Being able to hurt myself helps me feel something, and brings me back to reality when I’m in pain. I don’t want to stop doing that because I don’t want to feel alone. I hate that emptiness! It’s worse than anything! It’s terrible being surrounded by people and still feeling absolutely alone!”  
“You’re not alone, hyung,” Jungkook announced as he pulled Taehyung’s hand to his lips and placed a dry kiss on the back of his bony flesh, “if I have to tell you every five minutes that you’re not alone, I will. But I’m refusing to give you the opportunity to distance yourself and do this to yourself anymore. I love you so much, hyung.”  
“I love you too, Taehyungie,” Hoseok chimed in with a hand softly rubbing against Taehyung’s stomach. “I’m finished with the bandages,” he said in a low, husky tone as he pat his hand gingerly against Taehyung’s hip.

Hoseok crumpled up the pieces of paper from the bandages and squished them into a tight ball with the soiled cotton wipes.  
“Here’s your pants,” Hoseok mentioned, placing the jeans next to Taehyung’s side for him to put on, “I’m going to put this stuff back.”  
Hoseok gathered the unused supplies and returned to the bathroom to wash up.

“Hyung,” Jungkook beckoned as he fingered Taehyung’s chin and tilted his head to look up at him, “please don’t ever hurt yourself like this again. When you injure yourself, you’re hurting me as well. Okay?”  
Taehyung stared groggily and listened to Jungkook’s pained words, “I’m sorry, Kookie.”   
Taehyung reached his hand up to grip the nape of Jungkook’s neck to pull him closer. The younger obeyed the call and leaned forward until he was able to press his lips upon Taehyung’s open mouth. He felt Taehyung’s tongue momentarily breach his oral cavity before retracting back and being replaced by a soft lick to his lower lip.  
The younger gently slid his hands against the skin of Taehyung’s cheeks and scratched his fingernails softly on the skin of his neck.  
“I love you, hyung,” Jungkook whispered before delivering a quick peck to Taehyung’s pillowy pout. “Hobi-hyung’s going to be back any minute, though.”  
Taehyung slowly blinked his eyes in a drunken stupor as the exhaustion was setting in even more with the late hour. He grabbed his boxers and sat up to place them back on his body. He grabbed his jeans and was caught off guard, while standing up, when he felt Jungkook’s hand wrap around his torso and clutch him tightly against himself.  
“Do you love me more than the drugs?” Jungkook whispered heavily near Taehyung’s ear, allowing his hot breath to spread evenly across the elder’s skin.  
It was a simple question, but one Taehyung was unable to answer honestly. He heard the voice telling him the drugs provided all the effects of love and was the simplest way to feel better. It reprimanded him for even considering Jungkook to be better than the synthetic capsules of exhilaration and ecstasy.

Taehyung rotated his hips until he was face to face with the maknae, who continued to hold the elder’s hips steadily next to his, but without forcing pressure on the injuries.  
“Kookie, I love you so much.” Taehyung leaned forward to rest his forehead against the younger’s. He exhaled a dizzying sigh, reeling from the screams he couldn’t suppress any longer. He desperately wanted to be in this moment; he desired to feel every sensitive touch applied from the younger....but the puppet master was present; and angered.


	36. Blue & Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop! Please! I’m begging you now! This is too much! What do I have to do right now to make you happy so you’ll stop?! I’ll do anything!
> 
> _I knew you’d come around like my good boy.  
>  But, I always knew I could make you do anything I command.  
> Now, rip that bandage off and tear into those scabs!  
> Make them bleed until the underbelly of your nails are caked with blood!  
> Do it!  
> Make it hurt!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your skin isn’t paper, don’t cut it.  
> Your face isn’t a mask, don’t cover it.  
> Your size isn’t a book, don’t judge it.  
> 💜💚

Please stop talking to me. I can’t hear my friends when you’re so loud. I don’t want to do anything you’re telling me anymore.

_You’re a waste, Taehyung!  
I knew you would back out eventually!  
You’re weak!  
You think you can erase me?!  
I own you!_

No! You’re not real! You don’t exist and everyone is telling me not to listen to you anymore!

_So everyone else is the problem!  
We can make it so they stop caring for you!  
We can break them!  
We can destroy your ties to them!  
You’ll be alone soon enough and you’ll come crawling back to talk to us!  
They hate you, Taehyung!  
They tolerate you!  
We chose to be with you!  
We chose to stay and talk to you!  
Aren’t we better than them?_

Stop talking to me! I don’t want to hurt my family anymore! I just want to go back to the way things were!

_Are you an idiot?!  
What do you think we’ve been doing for you?!  
Haven’t we been answering your whines?!  
We told you how to stop feeling sick and it worked!  
We showed you how to get more energy and it worked!  
We showed you how to cope when you acted like a child that couldn’t handle life anymore!  
And this is how you repay us?!  
By disobeying?!  
How could you be so disrespectful?!  
We’ve done nothing but help you!  
You will pay for your insolence!  
You think this is bad now?!   
Just wait!_

What are you going to do?! Why can’t you just stop talking to me?! You’re not real! I made you up! I can just stop thinking about you and you’ll go away!

_Don’t be stupid!  
We have the power to control you!   
Don’t believe us?!  
Look at your fucking hand!  
Look at your skin that you were digging through with your fucking filthy nails!  
You’re just my plaything now!  
I control everything you do!_

Stop! I don’t want to hurt myself anymore! What can I do?! What will make you shut up?! I don’t know what to do!

_Do you enjoy your nightmares?!  
I’ve been having fun creating those!  
Did you know you were afraid of the dark?!  
I could probably kill you this way if you continue depriving yourself of sleep!  
I’m having so much fun torturing you!  
What else can I do to prove you’re mine forever?!_

Stop! Please! I’m begging you now! This is too much! What do I have to do right now to make you happy so you’ll stop?! I’ll do anything!

_I knew you’d come around like my good boy.  
But, I always knew I could make you do anything I command.  
Now, rip that bandage off and tear into those scabs!  
Make them bleed until the underbelly of your nails are caked with blood!  
Do it!  
Make it hurt!_

If I do this you’ll let me sleep tonight?! I’ll do it if you promise not to create a nightmare tonight! I just want this night!

_You’re making me angry waiting!  
Are you disobeying?!  
Fucking rip into your skin!  
Do as I say!  
You’re mine, Taehyung!  
I won’t stop until you’re in pain and agony!  
Do it!  
FUCKING DO IT YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!_

I’ll do it! Just stop yelling! See? I’m doing it! I’m listening so please stop screaming at me!

_Yes!  
Scratch!  
Scratch your skin raw!  
Make yourself bleed!  
More, Taehyung!  
I need more to satisfy my thirst!  
Don’t stop until you’re ready to pass out!  
Rip through your skin!  
Destroy yourself!  
Ruin everything your disgraceful brother did!  
Tear through his efforts that are restraining us from reaching the burns!  
Don’t let them heal!  
He doesn’t deserve you!   
You’re my plaything and I won’t share you with anybody else!  
Do as I say!  
Claw through your skin until I’m satisfied!  
Obey me!  
I have all the power!  
You’re mine, Taehyung!  
I am the angel you talk to, so listen now!_


	37. Hold Me Tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jin spoke like a father should to his son. He didn’t speak of his misfortunes, or his bad behaviors; instead, he understood that life is being lived very differently between people. He could see others struggling where he never faltered.   
> “I don’t want to hear this,” Taehyung quietly whispered as he hung his head low, “not before I have therapy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your skin is not paper, don’t cut it.  
> Your face is not a mask, don’t cover it.  
> Your size is not a book, don’t judge it.  
> Your heart is not a door, don’t close it.  
> 💜💚

“Taehyung-Ah,” a voice called from the doorway to his bedroom.  
Taehyung turned to see Jin leaning against the doorframe, awaiting a response from the younger.  
“Can I come in?”  
Taehyung wasn’t feeling up to the barrage of questions Jin would most likely ask. He knew Hoseok had probably told the other members of his injurious behavior at this point, and didn’t feel like expressing his torment to anyone.

“I have to go in a little bit,” Taehyung refuted, trying to politely tell Jin he wanted to be alone.  
“I know,” Jin responded, already aware that Taehyung had a therapy appointment in a little bit. “I just have something I wanted to tell you.”

Jin stepped inside and pressed the door closed behind him. He turned back to see Taehyung seating himself at the edge of his bed, appearing like he was ready to receive a lecture for his poor choices in life.

“I’m proud of you, Taehyungie,” Jin spoke with a level tone, and the statement caught Taehyung off guard. “You were able to see that you needed help last night and called someone. I’m truly happy that you gave Hobi the drugs. He said it was really difficult watching you beg to have them back, so it’s really commendable that you were able to stop yourself from taking anything. I’m really, very proud of you, Taehyungie.”  
Jin spoke like a father should to his son. He didn’t speak of his misfortunes, or his bad behaviors; instead, he understood that life is being lived very differently between people. He could see others struggling where he never faltered.   
“I don’t want to hear this,” Taehyung quietly whispered as he hung his head low, “not before I have therapy.”  
“You don’t think you deserve to be told this, do you?” Jin questioned the transparent boy sitting sullenly in front of him with hands tightly clasped in his lap, “in all honesty, you wouldn’t feel there was ever a good time for me to say this to you. Hobi told me you hear voices that tell you unspeakable lies. I’m sure they’re telling you that I’m lying right now; that you don’t deserve to be recognized for difficult decisions. Taehyungie, that voice is the liar. I couldn’t imagine how hard it has been for you to try to recover your life when you’re addicted to a substance. You were very brave to stand up to everything that voice was telling you, breaking your spirit and tearing you down, just because you knew it was better to get those drugs out of your possession-“  
“-please stop,” Taehyung whispered with his head still hanging.  
Jin watched a tear glisten as it fell free from the young man’s eyes.  
“Taehyungie,” Jin called as he crossed the length of the room to kneel in front of the younger, gently clasping his hands around Taehyung’s fists, “I’m so proud of you!”  
“Please, stop,” Taehyung pleaded once more, pushing intently to remove Jin from his view so he could hide his tears.  
“I’m proud of you,” Jin continued to repeat the phrase.   
He wanted Taehyung to hear this over and over until he finally could withstand the statement, and resist denying the sentiment.  
“I’m proud of you, Taehyungie,” the elder reached his hand to softly caress Taehyung’s cheek as he watched the younger bite back the steady flow of salty tears.  
“Why are you doing this to me,” Taehyung’s voice croaked as he suppressed the breaking of his heart.  
“I want my voice to be the one you listen to. I’m real. I’m standing right in front of you. My voice is the real one; not the one inside your head.”  
“Humans lie to get what they want. Why should I believe you?”  
“I wouldn’t lie to you, Taehyungie,” Jin said with love in his heart as the shocking question was asked by the younger, “is that what it’s telling you-that I’m lying?”  
“It’s stupid,” Taehyung dismissed, unwilling to answer.  
“No, it’s not. Tell me what you hear. I want to hear them, as well,” Jin leaned his chest against Taehyung’s shins, and wrapped his arms around the younger’s hips, interlacing his fingers at his rear. He gazed up into Taehyung’s eyes waiting for his dongsaeng to explain.  
“They say no one can be proud of me,” Taehyung spoke with his voice trembling, “they say I shouldn’t be praised for doing what is expected of me.”  
“What do you mean, Taehyungie? What’s expected of you?”  
Taehyung sniffed and swiped his fingers across the bridge of his nose where moisture had accumulated, “I’m expected not to take drugs; I’m expected to eat meals.... so I shouldn’t be told ‘good job’ for doing those things.”  
“Some things aren’t easy for everyone. If someone injured their back and lived in a wheelchair for years, should they not be proud when they’re finally able to walk after rehabilitation? Aren’t humans meant to walk?” Jin raised his hand and wiped his thumb below Taehyung’s eyes to displace the accruing moisture.  
“It won’t let me be happy,” Taehyung exhaled a hot, breathy woe of defeat.  
“Taehyungie,” Jin began, looking into the glassy eyes of the member before him, “that voice needs someone to stand up to it. And if you’re not able to do it, I’ll do it for you. Tell me what it says and I bet I’ll be able to point out it’s lies. It’s trying to break you so it can have what it wants. It doesn’t care about you; it’s not comforting you.... it’s not going to take your pain away. It’s only making your life worse. It is slowly destroying you in any way it can. It’s starving you. It’s making you addicted. It’s making you destroy your own skin. It’s killing you, don’t you see?”  
“But, I’m afraid!” Taehyung quickly sobbed, not even realizing the words slipped from his lips.  
“What are you afraid of, Taehyungie?” Jin asked while he brushed Taehyung’s bangs behind his ear.  
“I don’t know,” the younger responded. He couldn’t decipher his own thoughts from the voices in his head anymore.  
“Yes, you do,” Jin coaxed, “what are you afraid of?”  
“Ummm,” Taehyung could feel his chest tightening from the anxiety of revealing his shallow tales. He really didn’t want to have this heart-to-heart with Jin just before his therapy session.  
“It’s okay. I’m listening,” Jin urged again.  
“I-ummm.... I don’t want to become nothing without it.”  
Jin looked on in confusion from the vague statement.  
“Taehyungie, do you think that’s your personality, or your persona? That’s not you. You’re none of the filth that you’ve been hearing. That’s not your identity. You’re Taehyung- my Taehyungie; the same person you’ve always been.” The elder cupped his hands on the sides of Taehyung’s sunken face and held him steady with his palms, “you’re everything that is opposite of what that voice says, okay?”

Taehyung curled his fingers around Jin’s hand and held them tightly against his flushed skin. He could feel an explosion of tears wanting to be released but he fought the urgency to fall to pieces.  
“Are you really proud of me, hyung?” Taehyung asked in a childish nature as he gazed deeply at his hyung, begging for him to still love him with all his heart.  
Jin sensed the precious immaturity come out in Taehyung’s question and it caused the elder to smirk with gentle love in his soul, “yes, Taehyungie. No matter how small the accomplishment seems for you at the time, I will be happy just to see you grow.”  
Taehyung nodded the confirmation from his hyung. He was desperately holding himself together, but his hyung always knew the right words to say to him.  
“When that voice gets loud, come talk to me, okay? We can listen to it together. Okay?”  
Taehyung nodded again and bit his lip to bite back the emotions.  
“Okay,” Jin said as he stood up, “I’ll let you wash your face before you go to your appointment. I love you, Taehyungie.”  
Just then, Taehyung sprang to his heels and wrapped his spindly arms around his hyung, burying his face in the crook of the elder’s neck.  
The sudden upheaval nearly caused Jin to tumble over, but he reestablished his footing and fully enjoyed the embrace from the younger.  
He didn’t need to hear any apologetic statements in that moment; he could feel it in the way Taehyung held onto the hug without release.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People don’t hear it enough that they are loved. Others assume they don’t have to say the words because it is simply understood that the love is there. But hearing the words means something. It means you’re worth that breath. You’re worth that moment in time.  
> I want to take this moment to tell you that I love you.   
> It doesn’t matter that I’ve never met you; I’ve been able to communicate with you, and we share a mutual interest; and that’s enough for me.   
> We’ve built a wonderful little community here after nearly three years together, and picking up new friends along the way.  
> You are amazing in every sense.  
> From the very depths of my heart- I love you.  
> 💜💚


	38. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can you tell me what they’re saying?” Matt gently asked the young male.  
> “It’s going to be bad if I tell you,” Taehyung admitted with a fearful expression.  
> “Are you going to be in danger of harm once our session is over,” Matt asked with great concern for Taehyung’s safety.  
> “I don’t want to do it! I just want to numb myself from everything happening up here,” Taehyung weakly explained as he pressed his index finger against his temple.  
> “Taehyung,” Matt began, “I can’t let you leave the office if I feel like you’re in danger of harming yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your skin is not paper, don’t cut it.  
> Your face is not a mask, don’t cover it.  
> Your size is not a book, don’t judge it.  
> Your heart is not a door, don’t close it.  
> Your life is not a film, don’t end it.  
> 💜💚

“Good morning, Taehyung,” Matt said while watching the young male situate himself in the seat in front of the desk to begin his session, “how are you doing today?”  
“I’m fine,” Taehyung nonchalantly answered to be cordial.  
“Are you actually fine, or is that just your go to response,” the therapist asked, glancing up from his computer screen to look at Taehyung over his thick rimmed glasses.  
“I don’t know how to answer that,” Taehyung admitted.

He didn’t appreciate how the therapist seemed to be able to read his mind so effortlessly, like he was as transparent as glass.  
“Sejin, your manager, spoke with me today,” Matt stated with gentle curiosity, “he told me some things your friends had found, and I was wondering if you’d like to speak about that?”  
“What did he say?” Taehyung asked, wondering if Hoseok only mentioned the drugs, or if he told the manager about everything else.  
“He explained that your friend received the pills from you and also found some injuries,” Matt kindly offered the information.

Taehyung could feel his heart sink into his stomach after hearing that Sejin knew about the burns. He would feel mortified if he ever approached him and asked directly to see them.  
“Taehyung, have your injuries been treated, or do you need to seek medical treatment for them?” Matt asked with sympathetic concern.  
“Hoseok-hyung cleaned them out last night,” Taehyung replied.  
“Do you want to talk about what made you harm yourself; what led to that decision?” Matt spoke softly with a gentle tone, but Taehyung couldn’t relax well enough to feel compelled to open up with the therapist.  
“I-I don’t know,” Taehyung stuttered, “I don’t want to talk.”  
“That’s okay,” Matt confirmed, “I’m going to move on, and if you feel like you’re ready to address this, we can always come right back to it. Okay?”  
Matt cocked his head to the side awaiting Taehyung’s response, but only received the quick shifty eyes from the kid seated before him.   
He noticed Taehyung’s hands were trembling uncontrollably and watched as he would jerk his neck with a powerful twitch that caused his head and shoulder to nearly collide. Marrying that with Taehyung’s subtle blue hue of his lips and purple finger tips, Matt’s concern grew to a more worrisome thought.  
“Taehyung, would you consider entering into a rehab facility for your addiction, or for your eating disorder?” Matt asked as he noted on the computer the complexion of the kid.  
“I’m doing fine,” Taehyung said suddenly with sincerity.  
“You’re ultimately in charge of your treatment decisions, but I think it would be best if you were in an inpatient treatment program where you could receive around the clock care.”  
“I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay right here,” Taehyung stiffly said with urgency.  
“Are you feeling okay? No chest pains, or shortness of breath?” Matt tried to remain professional but his empathy was getting the better of him. He worried Taehyung wasn’t receiving enough oxygen with the blue tint of his plump lips.  
“I’m fine,” Taehyung repeated.  
“Are you still meeting with your primary care physician now that you’re back in Korea?”  
“I haven’t yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen soon enough,” Taehyung said while picking the skin near his thumbnail.  
Matt carefully watched as Taehyung ripped a chunk of dried skin from his thumb with the emerging redness of stinging fluid beginning to seep.  
“Do I make you uncomfortable, Taehyung?”

_‘Taehyung’...._

“What do you mean?” Taehyung asked, feeling nervous that he wasn’t making the therapist feel appreciated.  
“Your body language is telling me that you’re feeling anxious, or some form of stressed. I am curious if there was something I could do that would help alleviate some of the tension if you’re struggling in here.”  
“I just don’t feel comfortable telling someone I don’t know about things I should keep secret,” Taehyung easily admitted.  
“I understand, Taehyung.”

_‘Taehyung’...._

“What is telling you that your secrets aren’t meant to be explained. Why _“should”_ you keep them secretive?” Matt said while emphasizing the terminology with air quotes.  
“I’m an idol,” Taehyung stated, “I can only express the good side since I’m constantly being watched.”  
Matt nodded and leaned forward to rest his chin against his palm as he watched Taehyung intently, “that must be very difficult to never feel like you have a break to just relax.”  
“It’s okay, though,” Taehyung quickly responded, “I don’t want to sound ungrateful since I get this chance to do what I love.”  
“What do you assume people would think if you began to express your other emotions that you’ve been suppressing?” Matt queried.  
Taehyung thought arduously while giving a blank stare towards the leg of the desk near his outstretched foot. His mind was cluttered with maniacal voices whispering loudly that he found it troublesome to try to remember the question just asked by the therapist seconds ago.  
His thoughts became disrupted as Matt spoke again, “do you think your fans would see you differently some how if you showed your true emotions?”  
“Please stop,” Taehyung strongly pleaded.  
“Are you okay, Taehyung?”

_‘Taehyung’....._

“Umm...,” Taehyung was getting severely agitated the longer he was in the office with Matt. He dug his nails into his scalp as he viciously scratched the back of his head in a nervous manner.  
“Here, Taehyung,” Matt said as he reached into his briefcase situated at his feet.  
He pulled out a bunny shaped, rounded stress ball that was quite tough to squish without using force. He stretched his arm and leaned over his desk to hand the toy off to Taehyung, in which the younger gladly accepted the peace offering.  
“That will help to keep your hands busy while we talk, okay, Taehyung?”

_‘Taehyung’....._

Taehyung pinched the ears and felt the small beads squish inside the soft, pliable material beneath his fingertips.  
“Will I get better?” Taehyung solemnly asked while focusing his attention on the toy, and not on the therapist.  
“I believe if you put the work in, yes. Do you believe you will?”  
Taehyung sat in silence for a minute as he traced his fingertip around the toy’s mouth to outline the tender smile of the sleepy faced bunny.  
“Why can’t I stop thinking about taking pills? That’s pretty much the only thing I think about, and it’s all I want.”  
“It’s the withdrawals right now. Your drug cravings are going to be very bad for about three weeks since you last used, but if you enter a rehab, the doctors will be able to help you get past those three weeks-“  
“No!” Taehyung abruptly interrupted, “stop telling me I need rehab; I can do this!”  
“Taehyung,” Matt started with his gentle tone at it’s height, “I’m here to support your decisions while you work in recovery, but I’ll always let you know of your options at every step, okay?”

Taehyung didn’t respond for awhile as the tension in the room felt suffocating. He could feel the muscles in his arms and chest tightening as the anger began to boil in his mind, leading him to fight heavily to resist the urge to throw the little bunny from his clutches.  
“What’s on your mind now, Taehyung?”

_‘Taehyung’....._

“I want to leave,” Taehyung shyly said, worried this would hurt the therapist’s feelings.  
“What do you plan to do for the rest of the day?” Matt asked as he interlaced his fingers and leaned back in his chair.  
“I don’t know,” Taehyung sighed with a hopeless breath, “I’ve been trying not to think about later since my manager knows about everything. I’ve been worrying what he’ll say if he sees me.”  
“Do you think he’ll bring up the drugs you gave to your friend, or ask about the injuries? Which is causing you greater worry, Taehyung?”

_‘Taehyung’....._

Taehyung released another exasperated sigh as he struggled to imagine a future meeting with his manager.  
“I think,” he began to speak, but hesitated as he pictured Sejin in his mind, “he’ll probably only ask why I had the pills after he told me never to take them again. But if I tell him I already had them hidden in my room before we even returned home, I think he’ll be more focused on the burns I have.”  
“How do you think he’ll react if you speak honestly with him?”  
“I don’t know,” Taehyung shrugged while sensing the uncontrollable urge to pick at the skin on his thumb again; completely ignoring the bunny he held in his clammy hands. “I’ve never seen him deal with something like this before. I just don’t want to see the look of disappointment on his face when he sees that I screwed up again.”  
“Do you feel he’s seen you _“screw up”_ once already?” Matt asked while noting the air quotes again.  
“My performance has been lacking, I kept going to the hospital, I keep having people intervene to help me, he found out I was throwing up, he found out I was using pills, and now this,” Taehyung rattled off as he gestured towards his crotch where the mottled burns hid away out of sight.  
“Those aren’t screw ups, Taehyung,” Matt announced, “those are problems that were outside of your control that started everything, and your resulting coping skills that you created to try to help yourself move forward in the only way you knew how. Now, from how he sounded when I spoke with him earlier, he sounds like someone who cares for you greatly and will work with you no matter what you are trying to do.”  
Taehyung felt jilted after assuming he was painting the manager to sound like an unreasonable tyrant, causing his worry to grow steadily the longer Matt spoke.  
“I think it would be best if you opened a dialogue with your manager so you can move forward with healing,” Matt continued to explain, “what do you say, Taehyung?”

_‘Taehyung’...._

“Am I crazy?” Taehyung quietly asked the therapist for his professional opinion.   
His head was pounding with a persistent migraine that hadn’t left for weeks now. If it wasn’t the forceful vomiting that caused his head to ache in the past, it was the sudden withdrawals from his Amphetamines that became the source of the undeniable pain.

“No, Taehyung; you’re not crazy. You’re just struggling at the moment.”  
“Why do I hear voices?” Taehyung asked, finally looking up to make eye contact with the therapist in a desperate plea for help.  
“What do these voices say?” Matt asked, coaxing Taehyung to continue talking more about the troubles he was experiencing.  
“That I’m worthless, and there’s no point for me to continue being in this world since I’m a waste of space.” The forced sentence pained Taehyung to say aloud. He feared the voices may retaliate for speaking of them and force him to do something dreadful as punishment. But he was tired of hurting. He was tired of being in pain.  
“You deserve to be here, Taehyung,” Matt said in a less flamboyant style than he normally spoke. “There’s a purpose for everyone, and a reason you’re still here. Alright?”  
Matt watched Taehyung quickly divert his line of sight back to the little bunny he clutched in his tremoring hands.  
“What else do the voices say?”

_Don’t tell him.  
You’re ruining everything.  
He’s going to tell Sejin-hyung.  
If you say anything, we’ll make you pay.  
We’ll make the punishment way worse than what it’s going to be already.  
Don’t resist us.  
Just obey._

“Umm,” Taehyung moaned in a hushed whimper.  
The voices were starting to scream obscenities at him as he fought to expel the details of his burdens. “I can hear them right now.”  
“Is it hard for you to listen to what they’re saying?” Matt asked with kindness blanketed in sympathy.  
Taehyung nodded his head as he chewed feverishly on his bottom lip. The screams were so loud he felt he could barely hear the therapist’s soft voice every time he spoke.  
“What do they sound like?” Matt questioned.  
“They’re screaming at me. They’re saying if i keep talking to you, I’ll have to pay the price,” Taehyung said in a defeated tone as he poked the bunny toy in the face. He trailed off in a soft whisper, “they’re so loud.”  
“Taehyung,” Matt called to the young male.  
Taehyung looked up with an exhausted veil now covering his delicate features.  
“Taehyung, I want you to believe that you are in control of your own actions, okay?” Matt stated. “You have the power to tell those voices that you refuse to bend to their demands, and that you choose to treat yourself with love and respect. They cannot control you; they’re just voices, okay?”  
Taehyung wanted to believe the therapist, but he felt powerless to defend himself when the voices began to scream at him. It was torturous listening to them for hours when he disobeyed them.  
“But if I refuse, I just hear nonstop screaming until I break under the pressure. It’s easier just to listen to what they’re telling me and do it so everything remains quiet.”  
“You said they’re screaming at you right now? Does that mean they’re wanting you to do something and you haven’t done it yet?”  
Taehyung nodded his head with sorrow worn like a mask.  
“Can you tell me what they’re saying?” Matt gently asked the young male.  
“It’s going to be bad if I tell you,” Taehyung admitted with a fearful expression.  
“Are you going to be in danger of harm once our session is over,” Matt asked with great concern for Taehyung’s safety.  
“I don’t want to do it! I just want to numb myself from everything happening up here,” Taehyung weakly explained as he pressed his index finger against his temple.  
“Taehyung,” Matt began, “I can’t let you leave the office if I feel like you’re in danger of harming yourself.”

Taehyung’s heart jumped as the therapist’s words came across as overly protective. He didn’t understand this sensation. He almost felt like he wanted to injure himself willingly in order to feel this sensation repeatedly; this protected feeling.  
“What can I do for you right now Taehyung?” Matt asked the open-ended question.  
Taehyung tried to think clearly, but the combination of screams in his head, and the physical sensations of anxiety plaguing his body, caused the idea he was losing his grip with reality.

“I want to leave,” Taehyung softly whispered, barely audible with his baritone moan.  
“Taehyung, I don’t feel comfortable letting you leave here until I know you’re going to be safe,” Matt explained. “If we can come up with a safety plan for now, I’d like to try that. But, I am able to contact the hospital and have you admitted for a seventy-two hour hold if you refuse help. I really don’t want to force you into the hospital, though.”  
“Please don’t lock me up,” Taehyung begged.   
Everything in him was wanting to leave so he could hurry back to his room and take care of what he was instructed to do by the wardens in his mind.  
“What can we do then, after we end our session, to ensure your safety?”  
Taehyung tried to think. He considered lying just to leave the presence of the therapist.  
“Is there someone available for you to see until these urges pass while you continue to work on grounding techniques that I give you to focus on your surroundings?”  
Taehyung didn’t want to burden anyone else. He was tired of being the center of unwanted attention for his neglectful life circumstances.  
“What if I just try harder?” Taehyung pleaded. He didn’t want to bother a single person with his own frivolous issues.  
“Taehyung, I think it would be better for you to be with someone so they could help distract your thoughts.”

_No one wants that burden put on them.  
Stop being selfish.  
We can handle this.  
Just lie to him already.  
Let’s go.  
He has more important clients to see.  
Hurry up!_

Taehyung looked with his sad eyes at the therapist, “I can’t pick a specific person. The voices won’t let me.”  
Matt exhaled a breathy sigh and rubbed his open palm across his brow to alleviate his tension headache that was forming.  
“I’ll call the hospital and let them know I’ll be bringing in a patient that needs admitted for observations for a few days.”  
“What?!” Taehyung startled a shriek. “No! Please! I’ll pick someone! I swear!”  
Taehyung clutched the little bunny in his fist as he banged his hand against his knee in frustration. If he picked someone now, at least he could try to manipulate them in leaving him alone after awhile, instead of being locked up in the hospital with constant watch.  
“Can we call them so I know for sure you’ll have someone with you?” Matt asked as he lifted the receiver and hovered his hand over the numbered buttons to begin typing the recipient.  
Taehyung quickly ran scenarios through his mind of who would be the easiest to ditch later:   
Namjoon could end up immersing himself in his work and forget he was supposed to be wasting his time with Taehyung.  
Jin would be impossible to get away from.  
Yoongi never slept and could sit in one spot for hours without budging, so he would be difficult to leave.  
Hoseok _did_ end up leaving Taehyung alone to go to the bathroom while he was in his room last night, but he also felt like he couldn’t trust the elder anymore since he told Sejin about everything.  
Jimin was like a barnacle, but Taehyung thought he could probably guilt him into leaving him alone.  
And Jungkook already stormed off after a brief argument they had, leading Taehyung to assume he’d just have to anger Jungkook enough to storm off again. However, on the other hand, Jungkook was much stronger than Taehyung and could easily overpower him if he got caught trying to complete any tasks the voices instructed.

Taehyung racked his brain trying to decide who his unfortunate victim would be when Matt spoke, “a number please, Taehyung.”  
Taehyung poked his tongue out to moisten his lips before reciting the phone number of the unlucky recipient.  
“I think that’s a very wise choice, Taehyung,” Matt commended as he pressed each key before allowing the speakerphone to ring out as both males awaited for the call to be answered.

“Hello?”


	39. Black Swan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t take being alone with these nightmares! If I wake up, and someone’s next to me, I can tell it wasn’t real! But if I’m in my room and it happens, I can’t tell if I’m asleep or awake! At the hospital, I won’t have anyone with me! I can’t do it! Please, don’t send me away!”  
> Taehyung began to sob without restraint as he pleaded his case.

The door to the therapist’s borrowed office creaked open after a gentle rapping of knuckles knocked against the wood frame. Manager Sejin leaned his tall body through the small opening and slightly bowed towards the therapist.  
“Come in, we’re just about finished here,” Matt said in his flamboyant tone as he gestured towards the empty chair seated next to Taehyung.

Sejin quietly walked in with a nervous smile on his face as he bowed again before occupying the vacant seat.  
“Mr. Kim,” Matt began, showing his foreign speech pattern by addressing the manager by his surname, “I’m glad you were able to meet with us.”  
Sejin nodded in agreeance and turned to look over at Taehyung as he spoke freely, “I’m always willing to make time to help Taehyung.”  
He clasped his hand on top on Taehyung’s knee and gave a brief fatherly squeeze to express reassurance that it was no trouble for him to be there.  
“I personally felt it would be better for Taehyung to be with someone for the evening based on my professional opinion. We talked briefly, and he said I could speak openly to you about matters we’ve discussed, but I would like for him to choose what is said of personal details.”  
Matt began to close down his laptop since the session was over and he no longer had to make detailed notes.

“I know we spoke earlier in the day, and I know the extent of information you are aware of, Mr. Kim, so I wanted to make sure there’s a plan of action when we all leave here that Taehyung will be safe for the evening.”  
Taehyung sheepishly looked down at the little bunny toy he was still clutching in his clenched fists as he could feel a panic of remorse growing inside of him as the two elders spoke like he wasn’t a functioning adult anymore. He was ashamed to be putting his manager out and disrupting his busy schedule just for his own selfish reasons.

_You should have lied, you insolent fool.  
_ _Sejin-hyung’s going to be furious.  
_ _You’re such a nuisance.  
_ _Stop being so pathetic.  
_ _What adult needs a babysitter?  
_ _You’re embarrassing yourself._

“Please, stop,” Taehyung mumbled aloud to the voices berating him, only to realize he spoke audibly enough for both men to stop their conversation and look over at him.  
Taehyung looked up and flicked his eyes back and forth from the therapist to Sejin as he felt mortified for letting his tongue slip.  
“I’m sorry,” Taehyung quickly apologized and shook his head while holding up his hands in a momentary surrender.  
“It’s okay, Taehyung,” Matt kindly assured him, “do you want to say something?”  
Sejin eagerly watched Taehyung as he, also, heard his sudden outburst.  
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I said that out loud,” Taehyung shyly stated as he rubbed his fingertips across his burning eyes.  
“Taehyung, are you sure you don’t want to enter a treatment facility, or even stay in the hospital for a few days while you go through the withdrawals?” Matt asked, hoping maybe Sejin’s presence may change his outlook on proper treatment.  
“I don’t want to be left alone,” Taehyung admitted openly.  
“But Taehyung, you won’t be alone,” Matt corrected, “you’ll have around the clock care by a whole treatment team to help you through this.”  
“I can do this,” Taehyung whimpered. He wanted Matt to stop talking for fear Sejin would make the decision to send him away if the manager was convinced it would be best for him.  
“Taehyung-Ah,” Sejin called for the attention of the young man, “what are your plans for the evening to ensure your safety if I choose to let you stay home?”  
Taehyung realized Sejin knew he had all the power at his fingertips. He could make the ultimatum of either treatment, or no longer being a member of BTS if he so desired.  
“I won’t do anything. I just want to stay here at the company,” Taehyung pleaded. He was tired of sitting in the office. He couldn’t even remember what he said that got him into this predicament.  
“Whatever you’re using to injure yourself, I want it in my possession once we leave here,” Sejin demanded.  
Taehyung hung his head like a child being scolded. He was embarrassed that he had to be reprimanded at this age in life.  
“I’m very sorry,” Matt said as he placed his laptop into the cloth messenger back he had slung over his shoulder, “I want to thank you, Taehyung, for making a decision and for being honest with me today. But I have to leave now for my next appointment.” Matt stood up and reached over the desk to shake Sejin’s hand, “thank you so much for coming in to support Taehyung’s journey.”  
Matt turned and looked apologetically at the youngest in the room, “again, I’m sorry to run like this, but I’ll see you the same time tomorrow, okay, Taehyung?”

_‘Taehyung’....._

Taehyung nodded then heard the door open and waited to hear the click of the latch after Matt escaped the overwhelmingly tense atmosphere. He didn’t want to look up. He still clutched the little bunny that Matt forgot to grab before running out.  
“Taehyung?” Sejin called to the younger.  
Taehyung unintentionally jerked his head as the withdrawals created new found tics that he’d been dealing with for over a day now. But he composed himself, despite the tremors, and looked up to meet the manager’s eyes.  
“What can I do for you?” Sejin asked as he continued to watch Taehyung’s hand bob from the involuntary shakes.  
“I can’t go back to my room,” Taehyung said with a hint of fear decorating his voice.  
“Is that because you’ll hurt yourself if you’re by yourself?” Sejin asked.  
Taehyung lowered his gaze back to the toy as he thought carefully of his words, “I don’t want to burden you with this.”  
“Taehyung, it’s not a burden,” Sejin admitted, “my job is to be here managing the lives of everyone no matter what the difficulties are. You can rest assured that I am in no way being troubled to be here right now.”  
“Hyung,” Taehyung called softly as he fingered the ears of the bunny toy, “is that television show still being offered to me; or did I ruin my chances?”  
“It’s still available,” Sejin elucidated, “we were able to call and explain to the producers that you experienced an illness and if they could extend the deadline, in which they happily agreed.”  
Taehyung didn’t know what to say. Everyone around him was taking care of him and he wasn’t even being decent to those that mattered.  
“Is this something you still wish to do?” Sejin asked for clarification.  
“I really do,” Taehyung admitted in a breathy squeak.  
“Then if you work hard to get better, I’ll tell the producers that you’ll be apart of the production. But that will only give you a short amount of time to regain weight and heal from your surgery before you have to leave for Japan. I don’t want the stress of this to interfere with your recovery.”  
“It won’t. I promise I’ll work hard,” Taehyung begged, showing his gratitude that Sejin had got an extension on the offer while he was sick in the hospital.

“Taehyung,” Sejin said as he drew in a deep inhale and adjusted his legs to a more comfortable position before leaning his arms against his knees, “Jungkook-Ah explained everything to me.”

Taehyung blinked in mystifying confusion at the realization that it was the youngest that told the manager everything; not Hoseok.  
“He told me what you said last night and he seemed very worried when he called me and left a voicemail that he wanted to talk,” Sejin paused briefly after picturing the youngest’s face when he spoke with him that morning. “He cried when he was telling me how bad you seemed last night. He said you were shaking uncontrollably, much like you are now,” Sejin stated as he pointed towards Taehyung’s convulsing limbs.  
The young male felt grief stricken upon hearing the youngest cried over him because of his lack of control. He felt terrible for being the person he chose to be.  
“I want to have faith that you can do this on your own,” Sejin continued, “but I have to consider your physical health, as well-“  
“-Please don’t put me away!” Taehyung quickly interrupted with a raise in pitch and startling gestures, “I don’t want to be by myself! I can’t be in a room alone anymore!”  
Sejin abruptly grabbed Taehyung’s flailing arms and restrained them into the younger’s lap as he leaned forward and spoke quieter, “you’ll have medical care at all times and will be less alone in a treatment program-“  
“NO! PLEASE!” Taehyung screamed as the veins protruded in his neck from the blunt force of fear percolating his psyche.  
He gripped onto Sejin’s wrists as panic set in and he moved to sheer begging, “I can’t take being alone with these nightmares! If I wake up, and someone’s next to me, I can tell it wasn’t real! But if I’m in my room and it happens, I can’t tell if I’m asleep or awake! At the hospital, I won’t have anyone with me! I can’t do it! Please, don’t send me away!”  
Taehyung began to sob without restraint as he pleaded his case to the manager.  
“What nightmares?” Sejin questioned the younger as he plucked Taehyung’s nimble fingers from his arms and held them gently in his hands.  
“Please don’t send me away!” Taehyung cried again as subtle spit strings clung to his teeth.  
“Taehyung, I’m giving you this chance. You’re still here at the house,” Sejin confirmed.  
The manager clutched onto Taehyung’s shaking hands and rubbed his thumb against the bony protrusion of knuckles emblazoned under the taut skin.  
“I don’t know what I can say because I’m worried I’ll blurt out something wrong and you’ll take me to the hospital,” Taehyung confessed with tears soaking his long lashes.  
“I know. I understand,” Sejin noted. “There seems to be a barrier of communication between us because I tell you to tell me when you’re struggling, but you’re afraid to tell me anything since I’m the one that determines your treatment within the company. I commend you for giving Hoseok the pills last night and letting him help you with your injuries. That shows you are trying to get better, and I acknowledge that. You’re also eating again, and haven’t been throwing up, correct?”  
Taehyung sniffled as he bowed his head to confirm he’s been eating the diet prescribed by the hospital from his surgeon.  
“Since I see you’re putting in the effort, I will support your request to stay in the house, and I will stand by that decision unless I see your health in jeopardy. While the shaking is very concerning to me, I have been reassured that it’s a normal part of the withdrawals. I do want you to see a physician, to make sure your vitals are stable, and to also see to your burns.”  
While Taehyung dreaded seeing the doctor for reasons towards his self injuries, he was relieved with the notion he wouldn’t have to live in fear of being sent to the hospital for days on end.

When Taehyung didn’t say anything, Sejin decided to ask the question the younger was fearing most, “can I see your injuries, Taehyung?”  
The embarrassment and humiliation flooded every nook and crevice within his mind. He was mortified that this moment came to fruition.  
“They’re covered,” he quickly admitted with the sudden realization his blessed hyung had bandaged the wounds well last night, “Hobi-hyung made sure they were taken care of.”  
Sejin nodded, and didn’t further pursue the awkwardness in the present moment.  
“Taehyung,” Sejin beckoned for the younger’s attention, “if you feared my decision to hospitalize you, why did you ask your therapist to call me when given the option?”  
Taehyung stared at his purple hued fingers that were poking out of the warming huddle of balled fists as the manager tried to use his own heat to aid in warming Taehyung’s ice cold fingertips. He looked down at the floor and saw the little bunny toy laying haphazardly by the leg of the desk. He wanted to reach down and cradle it once more for security, but something stopped him from moving.  
“I thought you would be the only one that would know what to do,” Taehyung looked up with his glassy eyes to meet his manager’s gaze with a silent plea for guidance.  
Sejin’s heart ached looking back at the kid he grew to love like his own child. He watched the seven members grow up before his eyes, making sure they had what they needed to pursue their dreams.  
This time was no different; Taehyung needed support, and Sejin would make sure he had it.


	40. Interlude: Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The darkness enveloped his entire being in the cold, dead of night. The lights were all off, and Taehyung found himself alone, once again, in the abandoned room of shadows.  
> He flicked his eyes open as he heard a rustling sound emitting from the closet as the door creaked slowly open.  
> Taehyung’s heart began to race as he watched a shadowy form peer out of the dark depths from inside the clothing fortress.  
> His voice couldn’t break free from his sealed lips and he forced a muffled whimper as the fear plagued his line of vision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **For added ambience, save this chapter to read at night.**

Taehyung sat comfortably at the computer desk while watching Jungkook from the back as he peeled off his black sweatshirt to reveal his near completed vibrant tattoo sleeve.  
The younger had been in the gym for a good portion of the day, working to blow off some steam from his heavy heart he procured the previous night. He wanted to shower and clean himself of the sweat sticking to his glistening skin, but he was delivered Taehyung in the evening when their manager explained that he had a business meeting across town and Taehyung chose to opt out of burdening the manager with this newfound dilemma of babysitting an adult child.

Jungkook waltzed over to his computer chair where Taehyung was reclining back, placed his hands on both armrests, and leaned his body down until his face was inches from his hyung’s.  
“Can I take a shower real quick, or do I have to take you with me,” he half jokingly said as his eyes lingered on the beautiful features of his elder.  
He wanted the mood to be more lighthearted than the previous; he didn’t want his hyung to say terrible things for second night in a row, whether about himself, nor to another member.  
Taehyung playfully pushed Jungkook’s chest and scoffed, “I can be left alone; I don’t need you to be my warden.”  
Jungkook felt his lips curl upward into his crooked smirk, enjoying Taehyung’s quip back. He rolled the chair closer and pressed his pout against his hyung’s lips. He felt the elder reach up and stroke the side of his cheek as he held on longer to the kiss.  
“What are you going to do while I’m gone,” Jungkook asked as he stared longingly at Taehyung’s luscious lips.  
“Breathe fresh air that’s not mottled with your gym stink,” Taehyung delivered the snide remark with his boxy grin decorating his face.  
“Well, maybe I’ll choose to stay this way all night and see how well you enjoy my stink.”  
“You wouldn’t lay in your bed without getting a shower,” Taehyung quick wittingly doled out another comeback.  
Jungkook giggled with how well Taehyung knew him, “no, I definitely wouldn’t.”  
He enjoyed this back and forth with his hyung. Things had gotten too serious lately, and he missed sharing laughs with his elder.  
He leaned in once more to give a final peck on Taehyung’s lips before leaving for the bathroom with a change of clothes in hand.

Taehyung drew one of his legs up to rest his chin upon his knee while he looked around Jungkook’s room. He didn’t feel like beginning anything as the sudden striking fear of being alone sunk in. He wasn’t used to this overpowering anxious feeling everytime he was left by himself to his own devices. It was unfamiliar and uncomfortable, to say the least.

Sejin found some sources online while he was with Taehyung during the afternoon, and explained what the withdrawals from the Amphetamines would be like and what to expect in the next several weeks.  
Taehyung worried that if he couldn’t handle the first week, how would he ever handle the third week which was meant to peak at that point.  
But looking everything up with the manager did help Taehyung to feel at ease that this would eventually go away and he wouldn’t feel this way for the rest of his life.  
He just had to continue to remind himself to hold on a little while longer and things will get better.

Taehyung tapped his finger on the gliding mouse as he mindlessly played a short game on Jungkook’s computer. His eyes blurred as his lids became heavy with sleep, and his focus for the monotonous gameplay ended abruptly.  
He resisted the urge to crawl into the bed alone as he fought to stay awake longer; but it had been days of very little sleep that now weighed heavily on his mentally deprived state.  
He rubbed the palm of his hand over his eyes in the meekest of efforts to wipe the sleep from his sore eyes. Seeing the dimming of the room as his lids fluttered shut soothed his body free from tension. The euphoric feeling of rest caused his yearning for sleep to magnify more than he could resist.  
He lowered his head until he nestled comfortably in the crease of his folded arms, assuming he’d be okay for the short moment Jungkook was away.

_The darkness enveloped his entire being in the cold, dead of night. The lights were all off, and Taehyung found himself alone, once again, in the abandoned room of shadows.  
He flicked his eyes open as he heard a rustling sound emitting from the closet as the door creaked slowly open.  
Taehyung’s heart began to race as he watched a shadowy form peer out of the dark depths from inside the clothing fortress.  
His voice couldn’t break free from his sealed lips and he forced a muffled whimper as the fear plagued his line of vision. His muscles were completely paralyzed, including those in his jaw that would allow him to scream.  
Watching the shadow shrink down and begin to crawl across the floor towards his feet that dangled from the chair caused Taehyung’s panic to worsen. He could feel tears moisten his eyelashes as his body fought to release the fright building within. He desperately fought to scream for help, but he couldn’t make a loud enough sound; just the inaudible muffling of moans as the fearful whimpering persisted.  
The shadowed creature was now at his feet and looking up at him with a terrifying, contorted face that had the appearance of a human with a disfiguring broken jaw hanging agape. Taehyung cried while watching the creature pull itself up onto the armrest and loom it’s body overhead. It’s loud drone of a moan flowed from its gaping mouth while Taehyung was paralyzed of all movement.  
He didn’t want to be underneath this creature anymore!  
He was terrified!  
What was this thing?!  
Why couldn’t he open his mouth to yell for help?!  
He needed someone to save him!_

“Hyung!”

_The creature screamed it’s terrible shrill of a voice as it clamped it’s lengthy fingers around Taehyung’s arm. The pain amplified his stinging skin as the fear blanketed his entire body with immense tension wreaking havoc within his muscles._

“Taehyungie-hyung!”

_He could feel the warm, acrid stench of it’s breath as it flicked its severed nub of a tongue out of its mouth as it watched Taehyung closely. The vicious snarl rang out at an ear piercing decibel as the salivating slobber dribbled from it’s rotting teeth._

“Hyung!”

_Taehyung fought tooth and nail to scream for help. He was terrified as the creature loomed it’s distorted face over him and growled angrily, causing the nerves in his side to flicker and tighten suddenly and he felt his body jerk away slightly.  
His mumbled, whimpering cries were the only thing he had available as a defense to this terrifying ordeal. Tears flowed across the bridge of his nose and dropped to the desk below, creating a pool of fear to gather on the wood surface._

“Wake up!”

Taehyung felt his body being jerked upright, causing the creature to disappear suddenly from the jolting movement; dissipating into thin air like a shadowy dust fueled anomaly.  
He woke up screaming as he was no longer paralyzed with fear. The voice that couldn’t come out before was emerging full force as the wails for help were dire.  
Tears ran streams down his sunken cheeks as a new creature grabbed his body and shook him violently.  
“Heeeellllp! Help meeee!” Taehyung screamed at the top of his lungs.  
“Hyung! Hyung! Shhh! Stop!”  
Jungkook clung onto Taehyung’s trembling body as he tried to hush him quiet, but his screams were ear shattering and he knew something was vehemently wrong.

Hoseok pushed Jungkook’s door open abruptly to reveal the two boys in a crazy embrace, with both shouting at intolerable volumes.  
“What is going on?” Hoseok exclaimed in a breathless manner from running into the room in trepidation that something bad was happening.  
Jungkook gripped onto Taehyung’s flailing limbs and tried to activate a bear hug to subdue the elder male, but he kept meeting resistance as Taehyung punched his fists forward to beat the younger anywhere he could land a blow.  
“I don’t know! He was crying at the desk in his sleep and then he just freaked out when I tried to wake him up!” Jungkook’s words were broken in structure as he fought to restrain Taehyung.

Hoseok squeezed through the opening before quickly closing the door behind him to drown out some of the sound from the remaining members in the house.  
The eldest walked over to Jungkook as the younger pinned Taehyung’s arms to his sides and held him against his masculine chest to end the struggle as quick as possible.  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok called as he grabbed onto Taehyung’s cheeks to still his face with his hands to check his eyes.  
“Hope!” Taehyung yelped as his mind started to awaken into lucidity to the scenery around him.  
As his elder came into view better, he corrected his words and begged for help, “Hyung! I’m so scared!”  
Jungkook eased the pressure he was applying, realizing the combative nature was no longer imminent.  
“Hyung, I’m scared! Help me!” Taehyung cried with great force.  
Hoseok saw the dilated orbs dancing wildly as his dongsaeng jerked his hands free from Jungkook’s hold, and jutted them out to grip onto Hoseok’s shirt.  
“Please!? Please, help me!?”  
Hoseok stepped closer and placed his arms around Taehyung to cradle him in his embrace. He could feel his entire body shaking violently, and noted the sweat soaking through his heavy shirt.  
“I’m here! It’s okay- I got you, Taehyungie!”  
Jungkook released his hands from his hyung and took a step back worried he had done something wrong.  
Hoseok noticed the hurt expression on the maknae’s face and waved his hand to gain his attention while he allowed Taehyung the moment to cry away his pain.  
Jungkook looked up to see the eldest mouth that everything was going to be okay. His reassurance was of little help, though, as hearing Taehyung screaming like that was overwhelming for the youngest to bear.  
“Taehyungie,” Hoseok cooed as he placed his hand on the back of the younger’s head to hold him steady.  
Taehyung released a few more heavy sobs before managing to stifle his cries in a more fitful moaning nature. He coughed and hiccuped as he tried to regain his composure and catch his breath, holding the elder’s sweatshirt in his balled fists like a lifeline to reality.  
“What happened, Taehyungie?” Hoseok quickly asked when he realized Taehyung had quieted down to where he would be able to hear him speak.  
“I fell asleep and something came out of the closet!” Taehyung woed in horror.  
Hoseok and Jungkook both looked towards the closet to see the door was ajar, but nothing was hanging out of it.  
“Were these the nightmares you mentioned last night before you fell asleep with me?”  
Hoseok had a brief heart to heart with the younger last night as Taehyung confessed his phobia of falling asleep for having nightmares consistently everytime he dozed off.

In a way, Jungkook was relieved to hear this news since it meant he didn’t cause Taehyung’s screaming to happen.  
“It’s so real! I can feel them breathing on me and everything and I can’t move or call out for anybody! Why can’t I wake myself up from these nightmares!?”  
“It’s okay, Taehyungie,” Hoseok answered, “it wasn’t real. Nothing’s here except me and Jungkook. You’re okay.”  
Hoseok rubbed his hand through Taehyung’s hair near the nape of his neck as he persuaded the younger that everything was okay.  
“It was just a nightmare. You’re okay. Look,” Hoseok called as he waved his hand for Jungkook to come closer, “Kookie’s here.”  
The eldest grabbed onto Jungkook’s hand and placed it onto Taehyung’s upper arm to allow him to feel the maknae’s touch.  
“You startled him with your screaming while you were asleep.”  
Jungkook moved closer to weave his arms around Taehyung and deliver a full embrace of a soothing back hug, in which he buried his face in the crook of Taehyung’s warm, sweat scented neck.  
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jungkook questioned, feeling nearly traumatized after seeing his hyung crying furiously in his sleeping state.  
“I’m so scared to sleep!” Taehyung whined, knowing he desperately desired to sleep after resisting the need for days on end. “I don’t know what to do!”  
“Hyung, you’re sleeping with me tonight. I’ll protect you. I’ll make sure you feel safe enough to fall asleep,” Jungkook coaxed in the only way he knew best.  
“Taehyungie, did you sleep at all when you were with me last night,” Hoseok queried.  
“I only fell asleep after I scratched open all of the burns!” Taehyung blurted out freely without restraint, “that stupid voice told me to do it, otherwise it’d make everything so much worse! So I did it! It was the only way I could fall asleep and not have a nightmare! I just wanted to go to sleep! I’m so tired and exhausted! I want to sleep so bad!”  
Taehyung trailed off in a wail as he divulged his secret shame to Hoseok.  
“What do they look like today?” The eldest asked in his big brother worry over the younger’s well being.  
“Please don’t make me undress in front of you again! I’m so exhausted, I just want to sleep!” Taehyung cried his pleas in order to escape the shame of having his hyung helping him with the same issue in a déjà vu rerun.  
“Taehyungie, they can’t get infected. Did you wash them out and put antibacterial on them today?”  
“Please?! I don’t want you looking at them! I’m sorry I did it! Okay?! I don’t want you to get mad at me for doing that right after you got done cleaning them! You’re going to hate me even more now if you see them!”  
Taehyung groaned with tears flowing as he clutched the fabric of his hyung’s hoody in his desperate attempts to avoid having the elder’s hatred for him grow.  
“Taehyung, I don’t hate you. You told me why you did it, and I understand. That’s not going to make me mad at you-“  
“-I’ll do it,” Jungkook interrupted in a hopeful effort to end the back and forth debacle of the two older members.  
“I can get it done quickly and then we can go to bed right away so you can finally sleep,” Jungkook spoke directly to Taehyung with his lips caressing the back of his neck with each word scattering hot breath from his vocals.  
“It’s late, hyung. Come to the bathroom real quick and Hobi-hyung can go back to his room.”  
Taehyung wiped vigorously at the skin around his eyes in a futile attempt to dry his tear stained face. He didn’t want to prolong this ordeal any longer either.  
“You’re gonna go with Jungkookie?” Hoseok asked, releasing his hold as Taehyung pressed his body away from the eldest.  
The younger male nodded his hanging head as he continued to wipe the tears of shame from his sullen face.  
“Okay,” Hoseok commended as he pat his hand against Taehyung’s shoulder, “you’ll be okay to sleep tonight, Taehyungie; you have J.K. with you to fight any monsters you dream up, alright? Maybe you can work up a big one for him so he has a challenge.”  
Taehyung looked hopelessly back at his hyung with fright still decorating his wide eyes, “I’m sorry for being me.”  
Hoseok squeezed his hand against Taehyung’s shoulder one last time and forced a crooked smile, “everything is okay.”  
He leaned in and kissed Taehyung’s forehead, just above his hairline, like he often did from time to time, “you have nothing to be sorry for, Taehyungie; I understand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sleep Paralysis:** “ The main symptom of sleep paralysis is being unable to move or speak during awakening.[1]
> 
> Imagined sounds such as humming, hissing, static, zapping and buzzing noises are reported during sleep paralysis.[5] Other sounds such as voices, whispers and roars are also experienced. It has also been known that one may feel pressure on their chest during an episode.[6] These symptoms are usually accompanied by intense emotions such as fear and panic.[7] People also have sensations of being dragged out of bed or of flying, numbness, and feelings of electric tingles or vibrations running through their body.[8]
> 
> Sleep paralysis may include hypnagogic hallucinations, such as a supernatural creature suffocating or terrifying the individual, accompanied by a feeling of pressure on one's chest and difficulty breathing.[9] Another example of a hallucination involves a menacing shadowy figure entering one's room or lurking outside one's window, while the subject is paralyzed.[10]”


End file.
